If there is anything that I enjoy as much as a great horror film it is an entertainingly bad one. There is something charming, and often times engaging about a B-Horror film that is so outlandishly bad that it is, well, good. But unfortunately for the following 5 films on this list they were so mind numbingly, gut wrenchingly, and unapologetically bad that they couldn’t even achieve that status. You can paint a turd gold, but in the end it’s still a turd, and you can try and sell your movie with overly produced money shots in a series of halfhearted trailers, annoyingly intricate viral campaigns, or stuff it full of respectable industry icons…but ya ain’t fooling anybody. Your movie sucks. And I call B.S. Read on for the skinny…
Back in 2007, when the film adaptation of Steve Niles’ illustrated cult classic “30 DAYS OF NIGHT” hit the big screen I considered it one of the best vampires flicks of the decade. The film was atmospheric, engaging, entertaining, and full of interesting character actors. (Here’s looking at you Ben Foster) But the 2010 direct to DVD follow-up was anything but, and the first red flag should have been the recasting of all of the first films key players. But instead of taking my own advice and avoiding the flick entirely I went out, got a pizza, fired up the Redbox, and took the surefire dud home with me. The results were plenty of eye rolling, my fair share of dozing off, and a healthy portion of “Why the fuck do I do this to myself?”.
I just about wish that I could leave this one off of here out of respect for Wes Craven alone, but when something is bad, it’s bad. I think that we were all hoping that the horror legends return (and debut in 3D. Yawn.) to the big screen with an original horror picture would be more akin to “SCREAM” than it would be “CURSED”. Unfortunately we weren’t so lucky, and if the terrible box office showing was any sort of barometer for the quality of the film itself, then it is safe to say that no one was buying into the hype. So now that only leaves one thing to be said: let’s just hope “SCREAM 4” isn’t as disappointing. Fingers crossed.
I’ll make the embarrassing confession that I actually spent money on not just ONE ticket to this incoherent mess from Misher Films, but TWO tickets as I blindly walked into a modestly inhabited theater one drizzly night this Fall with my girlfriend. I thought, as I bought these two tickets, “Hey, it has Ian McShane in it. He was in ‘DEADWOOD’. I loved him in that. How bad can it be?’. Boy, was I wrong. From the second we sat down there was not one 5 minute period that myself and my date didn’t look over at one another and contemplate ditching the wasted $20 endeavor entirely and going to the nearest greasy diner in order to hopefully blow an artery and forget the entire 109(!!!) minute long snooze fest. Sadly, we sat through every second. And THAT my friends might just be even more embarrassing a feat than spending the money on the tickets in the first place.
Oh Sam Bayer…what more can be said about your soulless, heartless, master class in how to butcher a fan beloved classic franchise that hasn’t already been said? I’ll be honest: you had me fooled. You actually had me sitting down in a crowded theater at midnight on a Thursday evening, (9 hours before I had to be into work I might add) with an overpriced combo #3, and my vintage Freddy t-shirt on my back, ready to watch what I thought would be a disappointing, but passable attempt to reinvent Craven’s 80s classic. Unfortunately what I got was shoddy FX, a mind numbingly boring Rooney Mara, and enough plot holes to make even the most embarrassed members of the BP board blush. You didn’t help yourself with your unapologetic comments about your clusterfuck mess of a film to fans afterwards, and I can honestly say that the ONLY good thing to come out of that theater going experience was buying both Fright-Rags ‘Dream Editions’ from my phone during the movie.
And then there is Afterdark Horror Fest’s stinker to rule all Afterdark Horror Fest stinkers – “THE GRAVES”. Everything from the high school drama club caliber acting, to the paper-thin ‘plot’, combined to make for one of the absolute worst Redbox rentals I have ever bared witness to. Never before have I regretted so harshly a decision to spend a hard earned dollar on a film that could have just as easily gone to buying a delicious double cheeseburger had I just walked the extra 20 feet to the counter at my local McDonalds. But alas, there was no going back, and even with a handful of cameos from some genre icons I simply cannot be any more harsh on this film. “THE GRAVES” sucks. Period. And if you find a copy of this at your local rental store or Best Buy I implore you to ‘drop’ it on the floor ‘on accident’ and treat it like you would a cockroach you found crawling around your pantry, because that is the only enjoyment to be had from this stinker.