You love horror. Naturally, you want to show that love on Halloween, the one day a year when you can dress like a psychotic killer and still look relatively normal.
But beware what costume you choose.
Each character says something about you as a person which you might not feel comfortable sharing with the rest of the world. Here are just ten costumes and the secrets about you they could reveal.
Freddy Kreuger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
Of the big three horror film Halloween costumes seriously unoriginal people can choose from (the others being Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers) people dressed as Freddy Kreuger are probably gunning for the most obnoxious. At least the Jasons and Michaels out there will stay quiet. If you choose to be Freddy, you likely think you’re funny, and you’re going to try and prove it all night with strained puns delivered in a strained “Macho Man” Randy Savage voice. Not only that, but you’re also likely to rake people with your stupid rubber knives when they don’t pay attention. If you go with a mask reflecting the Platinum Dunes remake you’re automatically evil.
Frank the Bunny (Donnie Darko)
For some, the popular Frank the Bunny costume offers many advantages. If you’re ugly, its mask hides your face. If you’re fat, its loose fit hides your dinner rolls. But more than anything, it’s a warm-ass costume. So if you live up North, or plan on spending Halloween outside, this one is ideal. It also makes you look fake-film literate enough to hit big with teenage emo girls.
Jigsaw Puppet (Saw)
If you choose a Jigsaw Puppet costume, it’s debatable whether or not you’ve even seen the Saw films. If you have, it says you weren’t paying attention. While this diminutive clown thing remains part of the Saw franchise’s iconic imagery, it actually has very little to do with the films’ events. Also, full grown people who choose little people outfits are secretly afraid of adulthood (I just made that up). Instead, get a bald cap, shave your eyebrows, buy a robe, and go as Jigsaw himself. If you’re especially handsome, cut off your foot and go as Cary Elwes.
Rubber Man (“American Horror Story” — yes, I know it’s not a movie)
You are either dressed up like this because it’s Halloween or because it’s after 9:00pm on a weeknight. Women often reserve Halloween as the one day a year they can see what it’s like to be slutty, so there’s no reason why you can’t use the day to see what it’s like to be a pervert. And now that this costume is based on a television show, you can just shrug off any implications as mere fandom. If you do choose this costume, you are okay with not eating or drinking all night, letting everyone know the size of your package, and drowning in your own sweat. I say go for it.
If you choose a Pinhead costume, we can assume you have some kind of a dark streak flowing through your veins, or you wish you did anyway. You want to dress as a familiar horror icon, but you choose probably the most refined and sexual one possible. People can smell your bad poetry from across the room. Pinhead isn’t a serial murderer, remember, he’s more like a guy who wants to take you to the world’s meanest massage parlor because he thinks you’ll love it despite your exclamations saying otherwise.
You are not only uninteresting and unoriginal, but lazy as well. The Ghostface costume is little more than a black cloak, a plastic knife, and a rubber mask thrown on while microwaving a Hot Pocket. You only wear this costume if you have no interest in Halloween or if you plan to score at the Halloween party and need something that you can take off with minimal fuss. Hopefully, the latter remains not applicable for anyone described by the former.
Evil Tree (Film not specified, so let’s just assume The Evil Dead)
If you wear this costume, I automatically have some reservations about you. First off all, you must not possess great deals of empathy, because this is one of those costumes that can extend well past your actual body depending on how many branches it includes. You’ll be scratching people across the bar without even knowing it.
But more than that, I’m concerned that you’ll take instruction from your Evil Dead counterpart and molest ladies with your branches. It’s not the worst costume in the world, but keep your stick fingers to yourself. And good luck holding a drink.
Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
The first thing this costume tells me about you is it’s late October and you’re going to be very cold. Your nipples may even cut through the corset. That’s dedication, more so if you actually shave your legs and bikini zone for the costume. So even though you’ve chosen one of the more typical adult Halloween movie tie-in costumes, it’s a tough one to pull off that definitely requires some work and enthusiasm.
You’re also probably out for Halloween tail. You don’t dress up like a Rocky Horror character if you’re a hopeless wallflower. Girls you don’t have a chance with will run as far way as possible, so you know anyone left behind is either available or too married to care.
This refined costume choice speaks highly of its wearer. You went for something classic rather than current. You chose a costume based around a suit. You’re willing to and capable of applying a fair amount of makeup to your face. You clearly care. You even have choices — You can play it funny or you can be a scary Betelgeuse if you’re really dedicated. The deciding factor will be whether for not you go around grabbing your crotch and making honking sounds. That stuff’s for pros only.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
You’re a big man and you want to use your size rather than hide it. You also want to scare people. That’s good because what’s Halloween if not a good time to get scared? With the Jason costume, you have two choices. The guy who walks around talking and drinking beers with his mask pulled up is a cheater. The guy sitting in a corner all night, silent and unmoving is a Halloween hero.
Various details with this costume will betray you. So many people go as Jason, you really need to work hard to stand out. The bad Jasons merely don jump suits and hockey masks. The really good ones get genuinely ripped work clothes and take the time to cover their faces with zombie makeup before pulling down the mask. Those who go all the way are dedicated badasses. They may even kill you.
AROUND THE WEB
this week in horror
This Week in Horror - October 9, 2017 - Cynthia, Halloween, As...
Bill Moseley and Sid Haig reunite for a new project, we’ve got an update on the new Halloween movie, and Bruce Campbell is making us very excited about Ash Vs Evil Dead season three!
More in Editorials
It was 35 years ago today (October 22, 1982) that Halloween III: Season of...
I may catch hell for this, but Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers...
A lot of people were surprised or even put out when 20th Century Fox...
The Saw series is many things, including addictively watchable and undeniably iconic, but it...