[Editorial] How NOT to Dress Up Your Kid This Halloween

Blond Boy Crying

Halloween is a time for dressing up your spawn in cute costumes, no doubt about it. But not every costume sized for little ones actually fits.

Here’s a collection of costumes appropriate only for Honey Boo-Boo children. And yes, Honey Boo-Boo is on the list.

Kiddie Pinhead:

Okay, I can definitely see the appeal of this costume from the perspective of a grubby little boy. I can actually remember being that grubby little boy and thinking a guy with a face full of nails looked pretty cool.

As a parent, however, you either know what Pinhead’s really up to with those nails, or you’re completely ignorant. They say “what you don’t know can’t hurt you,” but that’s not actually true when sharp eyed horror fans call child services on you for possible teaching your child the ecstasy of pain.

Kiddie Roadblock:

If your child wants to go as G.I. Joe character (not the most likely thing in the world since the movie doesn’t even come out until next year) let them go as one of the ninjas. That’s a good look for children. Putting your kid in a fake goatee to help them better resemble The Rock just looks silly. And if you’re willing to go that far, why not go all the way and shave your kid’s head. Commit!

This is the kind of costume that allows poor youngsters to walk around thinking they looks cool when in fact they’re practically Urkel. Don’t do it. Don’t make your kid an Urkel. (Urkel, on the other hand, would make a fantastic kiddie costume.)

Kiddie Robin:

There are almost too many angles from which this is an awful choice. Number one: There are so many superhero costumes out there right now. Some are just kind of tights. Other have neat padding so your kid looks extra muscular. Why in the world would you pick the one that’s just a stupid T-shirt? This one also come with a Zorro mask, probably the most ubiquitous and easy to find mask on planet Earth.

But that’s nothing compared to number two: Don’t let your kid dress up as Robin. He’s a sidekick. If you’re going to be a superhero go as Batman or Superman but not Robin. The reasons why he’s actually the more interesting character are completely lost on children. Instead you’re just setting them up to have bad self-esteem.

Kiddie Wonder Woman:

Here we have yet another stupid T-shirt costume, but that’s not the point this time. Instead I’d like to direct your attention to the area just under the torso and above the hips. Do you see the lines drawn to make Wonder Woman appear thinner than the little girl actually wearing the shirt? Do you agree that this should be considered a minor infraction against common decency and humanity? Girls have a hard enough time with body image already. Do you really want to make your daughter feel worse about her self by covering her in a constant reminder of her inability to conform to impossible standards?

Baby Spock:

You know what? I think the original Star Trek series is one of the best television shows ever. I also think the classic Star Trek uniform is one of the snappiest shirts in uniform history. Unforunately, the world doesn’t care what I think, and to most people out there Star Trek equals nerdy fandom and nerdy fandom is a choice a kid should make when he or she is old enough, not when they’re an innocent, nerdy-free baby. At least take them as Kirk.

Kiddie Optimus Prime:

Against all odds, there are actually some pretty cool Optimus Prime costumes out there. This isn’t one of them. This particular version does too good a job copying the anarchic, indecipherable design from the Michael Bay movies. It’s such a bizarre, ugly costume, I can’t even tell if that’s a kid or a full grown man under it all.

If you’re set on Transformers, pick a costume derived from one of the billion animated Transformers series out there. Your kid will thank you later for never making him a poster boy for such cinematic atrocities.

Kiddie Girl Captain America:

Sadly there aren’t a lot of female superheroes for girls to dress up as for Halloween. To help right that wrong, many superhero costumes are available in both boy and girl versions. Unfortunately, a lot of the girl versions seem to go out of their way to look dumb.

This Captain America costume, for instance, is one of the worst offenders. The colors are right, and I can understand going with the red skirt instead of pants. But that mask. Instead of just giving the girls a Captain American mask, they mix American iconography with a tiara. The results are horrific. Don’t do this to your daughter. If you must, buy the costume and get a normal Captain America mask separately. Or she can go without a mask altogether, just like he does most of the time in the films.

Honey Boo Boo:

Honey Boo Boo is already a child, so calling this costume “kiddie” would be redundant. Having said that, hopefully this costume stays within the fat adult community and no kids have to suffer wearing it. Then again, I guess tons of kids all over this country go out dressed like Honey Boo Boo on a daily basis.

Even if your kid begs and pleads, even if she claims a healthy understanding of both irony and why Honey Boo Boo is awful, you should probably stick to your guns on this one. Tell her to go as Miss Piggy instead.

Kiddie Bane:

Kind of like the Joker before him, Bane’s a surprisingly violent character to have his own child-sized Halloween costume. Unlike the Joker, Bane dresses like a militia member and wears what looks like an S&M mask on his face.

This one is just going to make kids look awkward and when they look back on pictures of it, they’ll ask you what you were thinking letting them go out dressed like that. The only plus side for this costume is all the funny Bane voice impressions it will hopefully give rise to. I never get tired of that, and I imagine it’s even funnier coming from children.

Kiddie Mater:

So Cars is all about a world made for humans but actually occupied by human-like automobiles. Kids seem to like it. As a result, there’s this costume, in which a kid pretends to be car who is pretending to be a human. In other words, a car with eyes and a mouth now also has a head coming out of its roof and arms coming out of its windows. In even more other words, the kid’s costume is a car driving out of his chest.

Kiddie Twister:

Presented without comment.

  • MachetAY

    Is anyone else annoyed by that curly hair blonde kid?

    The power of chist compells you… you little motherfucker!!!

    • Alex † Von’Fratt

      HAHA!

  • NixEclips

    Very well done, sir.

    • NixEclips

      Oh, and that Twister one is disturbing.

      • Alex † Von’Fratt

        LOL, I said the same thing!

  • Alex † Von’Fratt

    LOL, Honey Boo Boo has my weak as hell.

    • Alex † Von’Fratt

      me*

  • grayghost

    That twister costume reminds me of that Eddie Murphy skit from ‘Raw’…
    “Mother fuckers spinning the spinner and kicking my ass….Right foot blue right hand red….”

  • IGETIGETBLOODY

    my 4 year old daughter wants to be a zombie fairy.