Billy Corgan Promotes His Wrestling Federation By Appearing In A Furniture Commercial

sadbillycorgan

Billy Corgan, the man most known for fronting the powerhouse rock group Zwan, is promoting his wrestling company Resistance Pro by creating a commercial that is quite possibly the most intense, raw, and realistic wrestling battle ever to be put to celluloid. The commercial is, at its base, in fact a promotion for furniture company Walter E. Smithe Furniture but the gripping tale in the video overshadows that fact entirely.

The commercial opens with several grown men playing musical chairs in the middle of a wrestling ring. Immediately the lighting, tone, and gritty, grimy atmosphere drew me in, droplets of testosterone-filled sweat beading my forehead. When Corgan wins one of the chairs, Unnamed Music Chairs Man #1 shoves him, bringing to mind the great many playground fights that I witnessed in my elementary school career. It is then that Corgan’s wrestling entourage bursts onto the ring from places unknown (behind the couch, maybe?) and begins wreaking havoc upon the men in suits.

I jest you not when I say that what unfolds is nothing short of the most brutal attack ever put on television. The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan pales in comparison. This apocalyptic clashing of the titans puts Greek mythology to shame. If you dare, the video is below. However, you have been warned.

I would be incredibly excited to watch Resistance Pro if I knew that Corgan were on the roster as a wrestler. However, I think I know what his finisher would be. You see, before each fight, he would run his bald head through a bowling ball cleaner until it shone clearer than any mirror. Then, in the ring, he would reflect the overhead lights into his opponent’s eyes, blinding him, whereupon he could do his signature takedown, “The Rat In A Cage”. This move involves him pinching his nose to create an even more nasal voice that would cause his opponent’s head to explode, a lá Scanners. Using this technique he would become the next Undertaker by never being defeated in a main event.

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  • weresmurf

    Oh dear Corgan… what on earth has happened to you. How the mighty have fallen…

  • http://www.facebook.com/joshua.turney.58 Joshua Turney

    I still found that more entertaining than 65 % of his music….. maybe 72 %.

  • grayghost

    Zwan?!…never heard of them…Smashing Pumpkins i’d say that’s what he’s most known for.

    • KeepDoubting

      Seriously came here to say this. Most known for Zwan? Smashing Pumpkins will always come to mind when I think of Billy Corgan. I’ve never known anyone to think otherwise.

      • EvanDickson

        I’m pretty sure @JonathanBarkan was joking.

        • JonathanBarkan

          YOU DON’T KNOW ME EVA…yeah I was totally joking. I zigged instead of zagged.

          • grayghost

            Great, Now I feel like a dick..I was the first one to mention the pumpkins thing..and Obviously didn’t get the sarcasm..and I’m Mr. Sarcasm

  • Psycrow

    If they added those sound effects to regular wrestling, I might start watching it again.

  • divisionbell

    Really? Best known for Zwan?? Are you sure he wasn’t in another band that was bigger and way more relevant???

    • JonathanBarkan

      This entire article is poking fun at the commercial and situation. Of course he is more well known for Smashing Pumpkins. However, not being the biggest fan of Corgan, I couldn’t help but poke at him a bit.

      • En_Noir

        I thought the article was clearly satirical in nature, not sure how some of you guys missed it. Oh well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  • lauren.rae

    Hey, um, Jon….I think you dripped some sarcasm right over…*wipes screen*

    Ahh, that’s better.

  • lovezoid

    Zwan burn!!! Haha I’m a huge Pumpkins fan but that gave me my first laugh of the day, nice.

    • JonathanBarkan

      ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/msaez3 Manuel Saez

    A wrestling federation? Really, Billy? He really is as delusional as everyone makes him out to be. huh? I admired him so much during his hey-day (‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’ is a masterpiece), but this is just embarrassing. The only people who care about wrestling are lonely man-children and children. How tragic.

    • Lauren Rae

      So where do women wrestling fans fall in that paradigm?

    • grossgreg

      Corgan’s been a fan of fake wrestling since he was a kid.

  • m1bayluv41510

    Best known for Zwan? I thought he was best known as the doctor from Spun..

  • JonathanBarkan

    @grayghost No worries! Sarcasm is sometimes kinda hard to tell via writing. It happens to the best of us. :)