Billy Corgan, the man most known for fronting the powerhouse rock group Zwan, is promoting his wrestling company Resistance Pro by creating a commercial that is quite possibly the most intense, raw, and realistic wrestling battle ever to be put to celluloid. The commercial is, at its base, in fact a promotion for furniture company Walter E. Smithe Furniture but the gripping tale in the video overshadows that fact entirely.
The commercial opens with several grown men playing musical chairs in the middle of a wrestling ring. Immediately the lighting, tone, and gritty, grimy atmosphere drew me in, droplets of testosterone-filled sweat beading my forehead. When Corgan wins one of the chairs, Unnamed Music Chairs Man #1 shoves him, bringing to mind the great many playground fights that I witnessed in my elementary school career. It is then that Corgan’s wrestling entourage bursts onto the ring from places unknown (behind the couch, maybe?) and begins wreaking havoc upon the men in suits.
I jest you not when I say that what unfolds is nothing short of the most brutal attack ever put on television. The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan pales in comparison. This apocalyptic clashing of the titans puts Greek mythology to shame. If you dare, the video is below. However, you have been warned.
I would be incredibly excited to watch Resistance Pro if I knew that Corgan were on the roster as a wrestler. However, I think I know what his finisher would be. You see, before each fight, he would run his bald head through a bowling ball cleaner until it shone clearer than any mirror. Then, in the ring, he would reflect the overhead lights into his opponent’s eyes, blinding him, whereupon he could do his signature takedown, “The Rat In A Cage”. This move involves him pinching his nose to create an even more nasal voice that would cause his opponent’s head to explode, a lá Scanners. Using this technique he would become the next Undertaker by never being defeated in a main event.