Earlier this year, right before Valentine’s Day, we hosted an article innocuously titled “10 Horror Movies That You May Not Watch With Your Girlfriend” that sparked a huge amount of discussion. Now the author of that list, Bryce Lucien (vocalist of Dallas, TX metal band Seeker), is back with another list that is sure to rustle more than a few jimmies! He’s decided to take on the zombie film genre and give us his Top 10 reasons why they’re not all that they’re cracked up to be. Head on below to see if you agree with his reasonings!
The best part is that this is going to be the first of many lists from Lucien. I won’t spoil any details but the guy has some upcoming lists that are just fantastic!
Seeker’s latest album is Unloved, which you can snag via iTunes.
Top 10 Reasons Why Zombie Movies Suck
10. Predictability – All zombie movies start with the same unlikely hero who in his desperate attempt to flee, stumbles upon a group of equally unlikely survivors. After some coaxing he is always convinced to join the group of new found friends, and they attempt to make their way towards safety that they have either heard about or hope to stumble upon. One of the group will succumb to the stresses of society’s collapse and the loss of loved one, one will become greedy and get himself killed, and the kindest member of the group will be bitten and have to be shot by someone who loves him. The remaining survivors will always move forward to an uncertain future as the credits roll.
9. Impossibility – The zombie apocalypse is just never going to happen. The fact that it has absolutely no basis in reality puts zombie films firmly in the realm of sci-fi/fantasy, thus rendering them harmless and non-terrifying.
8. The World Would Rapidly End – As history has taught us, governments tend to have a heavy handed, i.e. violent, reaction to most global crises, and so when faced with the complete breakdown of civilization, I think it is safe to say that these powers would rapidly destroy the world through conflict. The evil, mutated reptilian lords that would rise up out of the nuclear winter and control the wasteland would be a much bigger threat than any undead horde.
7. The Zombie’s Could Not Hunt You – Do you remember the movie “Twister”? Do you remember how the film constantly implied that the Tornadoes were sentient beings that were actively hunting Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt? This is very similar to how zombie hordes seem to function. If a pile of brain-hungry, reanimated flesh with no reasoning abilities, no memories, and no thoughts beyond “Brains!” really existed something makes me severely doubt that 1. It would ever be able to find it’s way around whatever city that you happen to find yourself in and 2. That it would be able to follow, stalk, track, or hunt you the second you left its field of vision. There is certainly no way that it would be able to figure out where you were hiding.
6. The Zombies Would Just Eat You – The zombies always seem to be able to conveniently leave enough of their prey intact for that person to be able to become a fully functioning zombie. This just wouldn’t happen. Again, and we’ll even include “28 Days Later” rules into this one, if this is a creature only functioning on instinct, whether that instinct be rage or eating your brains, they will not take a couple of nasty bites out of you and call it a day. They’re going to fucking devour you.
5. Why Do The Characters Want To Survive? – So all of your friends are dead. Your entire family is dead. Civilization has collapsed and there is no cure for this zombie virus in sight. Why would you want to simply prolong the inevitable? Here’s what I recommend: Find enough food, alcohol, hard drugs, and ammunition to last you a few weeks, go into the woods, and accept your fate.
4. Why Is Everyone Suddenly A Combat Expert – The average person can’t even hold their own in a drunken bar brawl, much less a fight to the death with an army of bloodthirsty zombies, and yet everyone in every one of these movies seem to be pretty handy with a gun or a baseball bat.
3. The Zombie Virus – Even in the good zombie movies, like “REC”, the virus is spread through bites. This just isn’t something that can spread that fast. You know what would be terrifying? An airborne zombie virus that spreads like the flu. Someone please make this movie.
2. Why Do The Zombies Never Eat Each Other? – Seriously. If they’re really a pile of angry, undead, mindless bloodlust that only wants to devour everything in sight then why the hell don’t they eat each other? What is it about zombies that allows them to tell the difference between other zombies and you? And don’t say something like “oh it’s because they crave fresh meat”…they’re dead. They can’t smell you.
1. Dialogue – The dialogue in 99% of all zombie movies and tv shows (yeah I mean “The Walking Dead”) is so atrocious, so meaningless and vapid, that there is no way that people who speak like that possess the intelligence or critical thinking skills required to survive in the post apocalyptic wastes.
Seeker w/ Death Before Dishonor, Betrayal
Jan 7 – Albany, NY @ Bogie’s
Jan 8 – Quebec, QC, CA @ L’Agitee
Jan 9 – Montreal, QC, CA @ Il Motore
Jan 10 – Toronto, ON, CA @ Hard Luck
Jan 11 – Toledo, OH @ Ottawa Tavern
Jan 12 – Columbus, OH @ Kobo’s Live
Jan 13 – St Louis, MO @ Fubar
Jan 15 – Fort Worth, TX @ Tomcats West
Jan 16 – Houston, TX @ Walter’s On Washington
Jan 17 – San Antonio, TX @ Korova
Jan 18 – Metairie, LA @ Cypress Hall
Jan 19 – Jacksonville, FL @ Atticus Bar
Jan 20 – Pembroke Pines, FL @ The Talent Farm
Jan 21 – Tampa, FL @ Epic Problem
Jan 23 – Nashville, TN @ The Owl Farm
Jan 24 – Wilmington, NC @ Orton’s
Jan 25 – Trenton, NJ @ Championships
Jan 26 – Hartford, CT @ Webster Underground