5 Horror Movies To Avoid On Valentine’s Day!!!

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Assuming your date or significant other isn’t totally repulsed by the horror genre, a lot of our favorite films around here actually make for decent date movies. Especially suspenseful ones that feature scares and tension over gore. Hearts are racing, blood is pumping – your date may even be clutching your arm tighter than usual. It’s good stuff!

However, there are a few films you don’t EVER want to put on if you’re planning on getting intimate with someone. Movies you don’t show the object of your desire should you want a second date. Some stuff, when viewed within the context of a budding relationship or a romantic evening, just can’t be unseen.

Head below for 5 Horror Movies To Avoid On Valentine’s Day!!!

Contracted


I dig a lot about director Eric England’s recent body horror homage. In fact, I like most of the films on this list. But that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate date material. IFC gave out condoms at the special screenings, and I guarantee you those are the least used prophylactics in the history of birth control. There’s not a pleasant sexual experience or healthy relationship in the entire film. Plus? Teeth. Cadavers. Maggots. Save it for the 15th.

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence


Tom Six’s incendiary sequel isn’t exactly a study in bad sexuality. But it is a study in the amount of revolting things that can be done to (or with) the human body. I had trouble eating meat for three days after watching this. It features mouth upon anus stitching, diarrhea and rampant bludgeoning- just to get things started. But the film’s coup de grace is a shot of a newborn infant having its head crushed by the accelerator pedal of a car. Don’t watch it before dinner, don’t watch it before making your move, don’t watch it on this day ever.

Sightseers


If you haven’t seen Ben Wheatley’s wonderfully gory and funny comedy, it’s definitely required viewing. But again, not this Friday! There’s a chance your significant other will watch this, stewing the entire time about the mistakes you’ve made in your relationship that echo some of the selfish shenanigans Chris (Steve Oram) subjects Tina (Alice Lowe) to. As the film wears on we find out that Tina’s not exactly as innocent as she appears, but this brilliant depiction of a doomed romance reaches a pleasingly logical conclusion. And if you’ve been less than fair to your loved one, you don’t want them getting inspired.

Rosemary’s Baby


Roman Polanksi’s 1968 masterpiece is, of course, a wonderful film. But it carries such a palpable sense of violation that I doubt anyone in the room will be in the mood for anything even remotely romantically inclined.

I, Frankenstein


This movie isn’t gross or scary at all. In fact, it features some rather attractive people! But if you show this to someone, they will break up with you. I don’t care how much you like it, the very fact that you’re recommending it is a huge red flag. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first date or if we’re talking about your husband/wife/partner of 50 years. They will rethink the entire relationship and leave you that very night.

 
  • WalkWithMeInDarkness

    Funny list. I also wouldn’t show them something like Martyrs on Valentine’s Day. They’d probably flip their shit. Obvious Valentine’s Day horror viewing would be both versions of My Bloody Valentine and I would say Scream because it’s a fun horror film as opposed to something really dark and depressing.

  • Mayday

    Lars van Trier’s Antichrist. Total mood killer.

  • Nurse Derpusheen

    Funny list.

    • Nurse Derpusheen

      OH! I thought of one. Teeth…. Just no way in hell should you watch Teeth if youre going to get down and dirty…

  • Morefunthanastick

    Funny part is that I had sex with a girl on a date while watching the first Human Centipede.
    I know…we’re weird…

    • huntermc

      Now that’s what I call a keeper!

  • djblack1313

    CONTRACTED was pretty good! the sex scene towards the end….fucking gross (in a great way!)!!!

    • djblack1313

      oh i forgot…the eating out scene in CABIN FEVER PATIENT ZERO was so disgusting. LOL.

      • http://mitchmacready.blogspot.com/ Zombie-Killa

        I haven’t seen Patient Zero yet, but I remember the scene in the original Cabin Fever, where the guy was feeling his girlfriend’s leg in bed, and he accidentally stuck his hand in the mushy, bloody part that was infected.

        And after she died, the same guy (I forget the name of the character, but I know he played Shawn on Boy Meets World) had sex with another woman in the group, and he passed the infection to her. Nasty, nasty stuff!

        Oh, and you should probably avoid part 2 for Cabin Fever (Spring Fever) for Valentine’s Day also. Now that’s a gross prom scene! lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gabbi.cordero Gabbi Cordero

    don’t watch the strangers. girl rejects a guy’s proposal and later has the balls to actually try on the ring? bound to start an argument.

  • mountain twin

    id add ‘The Loved Ones’ (which i enjoyed). lots of serious foot trauma. also… Sightseers is super romantic! great date movie.

  • SaltSlasher

    This is where those Horror movies with a little bit of “erotica” can come in handy.