Due to my fast lifestyle of plowing models, doing mountains of cocaine, breaking the speed limit, beating and cheating on my non existent wife, and hanging out with tons of celebrities, I can’t play all the video games as fast and as much as I would like. Hence the late review.

Splatterhouse has been a game on my watch list for a while. While I never played any of the old ones, I was excited non the less for this extremely bloody and gory remake. If you have been wondering if the game was worth the wait, well, I’m not going to tell you on the front page! You can head past the break to find out what I really think. If the title didn’t already give too much away. The Baby Factor: Splatterhouse is like Dante’s Inferno made burning hot hellfire love to every gory video game ever. Except bloodier.

In Splatterhouse, like in so many other games, you have to save your smoking hot model girlfriend from demons, and evil, and all the bad stuff in the world. You play as skinny metal kid Rick who right in the beginning of the game is left for dead with his insides pouring out on the ground beneath him. And I have to say, I’ve never seen someone in a larger pool of their own blood before. It really set the mood of the game for me. Rick sees his lady Jennifer dragged off by the terribly evil Dr. West. He hears a voice on the floor, the mask. Inevitably he puts the mask on and completely hulks out, and in a matter of seconds is off to save Jen. That opening scene had stolen my bloody heart in an instant and I was ready to break some fucking skulls and get my woman back.

The mask. Voiced by Jim Cummings. Most of you will say, Jim Cummings, who the hell is that? Once you hear his voice, hundreds of Christmas lights will light up in your brains. He has done just about every cartoon voice from your Saturday morning cartoons ever. His list of movies, tv shows, and video games is epic to say the very least. But hearing the guy who voiced Darkwing Duck say “Come on Rick you fucking pussy!” is incredible. Check out his wiki HERE for the full list of all that he has done.

Back to the game. While Rick seems unsure of himself, the mask constantly eggs him on and says crazy brutal off the wall hilarious shit to keep him going. The mask feeds off of blood so the more brutally you kill enemies the more blood you collect. Blood is everything in this game and I mean EVERYTHING. You have a large jar of blood you collect and as that jar fills you can spend blood like money to buy new moves and upgrades to defeat the monsters. I like this factor because it keeps the game play constantly changing and fresh. You have to impale enemies on spikes as their blood drains downward through floor grates in order to open certain doors. And it’s a god damn bloody mess when you are beating the monsters faces in.

There are a variety of fun weapons in the game, like a 2×4 with nails in it, large sharp objects, enemies heads, and your own arms. Yes, your very own arms. If you cross paths with the wrong enemy, and he gets the best of you, you can lose an arm. Though you don’t die, blood everywhere, you can pick up your own arm and begin to avenge yourself. Luckily enough for you, with a little help from blood and the mask, your arm eventually comes back.

The game occasionally goes 2D to give you that classic old skool feel and gives a nice nod to the originals. You can also unlock the 3 original side scrolling 16 bit games as well. The sound is about what you would expect to hear in a mansion run by some wacked out old doctor who filled his house with demons straight from hell. While the graphics aren’t the best I’ve ever seen, the game play and constant fun I had while playing completely makes up for it.

Around the dangerous and deadly mansion you can find ripped up pictures of your girl Jen in various sexy poses. You also get to see her naked if you are lucky enough to find the right pieces of those pictures. If you haven’t already heard, our lovely leading lady Jennifer was in Playboy.

The Final Word: I absolutely recommend this game. If you love busting skulls, kicking ass with various brutal weapons, blood, and saving hot girlfriends, this is the game for you. It never lets you down and the action keeps going and going. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for another game, whether my arms are attached or not.

This review is based on the Xbox 360 version of Splatterhouse.