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Homecoming (V)

Spoiler-filled review

I’m not going to waste a single second of your time; HOMECOMING is a straight-up insult to horror fans and every single aspiring horror director on the planet. Showing zero heart, ambition or even a shred of creativity, this is a Franken-movie crafted to be spoon-fed to 13-year-old-girls and their giggling friends who would rather talk and text than watch the movie.

Director Morgan J. Freeman delivers an over-lit, generic looking thriller that could easily be shown on Oxygen. It screams from the top of the highest mountain that it was thrown together without a single thought as to who would like it, only that they could sell it for a high price to be shown on TV.

The film follows Mike (Matt Long), a small-town star athlete who returns home over Christmas break with a new girlfriend, Elizabeth (Jessica Stroup), a pretty rich girl from Chicago. No one is more shocked than Mike’s homecoming queen ex-girlfriend, Shelby (Mischa Barton), who immediately wants to be rid of Elizabeth and plots to take care of the problem.

After a dreadful 45 minutes of character development, HOMECOMING becomes a dry clone of MISERY as Shelby takes Elizabeth hostage and convinces herself that she’s “just trying to help.” There isn’t a single shred of suspense as Elizabeth, to a closed ear, begs Shelby to let her go. At no point during the first hour is there remotely a sense of danger as Shelby attempts to seduce Mike back into her life, while Elizabeth lies bedridden with a broken ankle.

The most offensive part of this half-assed attempt at a thriller is that there’s zero tits and ass, and the blood is so minimal you can nearly slap a PG on this dud. The only moment that even acts as if it’s the real-deal is when Shelby slashes Elizabeth’s heals, only by that point it’s completely out of character and appears to be a desperate attempt to trick horror fans into thinking they saw violence. Even more of an insult is the completely cliché ending that has me screaming in laughter. After Shelby gets wacked in the head a few times, she “appears” to be dead. A shroud of silence fills the air, the camera moves in for the close-up and then – you guessed it – Shelby opens her eyes! Roll credits. I am not joking.

Like I said, HOMECOMING is the PG version of MISERY, which had me screaming at the screen throughout the duration of the feature, “why bother, really, WHY?!”

Official Score