Albino Farm

Watching Albino Farm has absolutely confirmed by belief beyond a shadow of a doubt that anything you shoot – whether it be a story about an outcasted, cannibalistic biblical society living under the guise of a small nowhere town, or 90 minutes of your favorite undergarments twirling around in the window glass of a laundromat washing machine – can make it onto DVD.

In Albino Farm, four young kids are driving out into the middle of nowhere when they stumble across…. wait. What are you, morons? Should I insult you with an explanation of the most repeated and copied plot in all of horror? No. In short – they blow a tire, hear of a local legend, make fun of it and the local hicks, have nothing better to do than investigate while dropping inferiority insults to most everyone they meet, until they willingly seek out their demise by going to a place where a deadly legend supposedly reigns true. Cannibalistic outcasts, a society of physical freaks and deformities, banished and living in the woods outside a micro midwest town called Shiloh – who abduct and kill the lost and the stranded. Shit, why not – lets go! Last one there’s a rotten egg!

The kills are fucking lame. They try to be dramatic, but whatever special effects crew Industrial Monsters and Props were trying to pull off, showing the results of hook wounds and slit throats – it all was crappily shaded under too much darkness, or CGI’d under a micro-budget with the result of looking shitty as hell. Even though heads are smashed with stones, necks are cut, jaws ripped open with sharpened steel, and living bodies sewn together side to side – none of this will phase anyone over the age of 16. In fact most of it is implied, and that’s downright frustrating when you’re looking for a gore fix. Its a failed attempt to be another Offspring – all while trying to play off your liking of The Descent, or The Hills Have Eyes – minus offering anything along the lines of a quality plot, physical tension, or cringe factor. Albino Farm offers none of these. In fact, its easy to say there is nothing gratifying about this film.

I can see the filmmakers talking to Jericho when it was in pre-production: “Chris! Will you be in our movie, please!?

Jericho: “No. Get out of here.”

Production team: “Please? C’mon. Nobody’s in it. You’d be like the star!”

Jericho: “Tell me more.”

Production team: “Oh! Its about these deformed cannibals living in the woods that prey on people! Oh its gonna be scary as shit! You’d play a main part – a local hick punk who rides around in the back seat of a car and ”

Jericho: (Pops a straw of hay in his mouth, a white contact lens, and does his best doofus drawl) “Heee HAW!!! I’m in!”

The freaks aren’t awe inspiring, whether they’re real, or done with makeup. Nothing about their physical deviations will wow you unless you’ve been living amongst the rich and perfect your whole life. And Duane Whitaker – the hillbilly who humps Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction – your career has now hit rock bottom. How can you play a wheelchair bound, simpleton lunatic hillbilly, and still come across as a bad actor? At least it was par for the course. The acting is irritating, obvious, and distracting from start to finish – including Chris Jericho’s.

And Chris – don’t expect your film career to do a Roddy Piper after this choice. When I saw you at WCW’s Halloween Havoc over ten years ago, back when you were “Lionheart” – before you went to the WWE – when you did that failed moonsault and landed face first on the mat, breaking your nose and still finishing the match… I respected you. I’ve always sort of routed for your success. But Albino Farm? Why??? Other than for drunken fun, I don’t understand why you did this of all films.

This is the worst film I’d had to sit through all 2009. Virtual unknowns Sean Mcewen and Joe Anderson formulate and deliver an effortless, mind numbing stretch of amateurism about religious outcasts and deformed freaks that fails on about every level it attempts. It doesn’t take much to please the forgiving horror fan, but Albino Farm still manages to deliver nothing but a notable feeling of dissatisfaction. And now, with a few catchy horror keywords like cannibals and freaks, wrapped into an easy to swallow and imagination inspiring synopsis – topped with a fancy trailer, a popular wrestling name and some creative DVD cover art – Albino Farm arrives, offered to you for around 16 bucks when it comes out September 22nd 2009 through Amazon and the like. Let me tell you something: if you purchase this on the blind, or simply buy it because Chris Jericho is in it and it sounds good – you are one of the biggest suckers out there, and a contributor to the reason crap like this makes it to the shelves of your favorite video retailer. If you are tired of lame horror films like this, please do not support it with your hard earned cash. It makes distribution companies think you want more of the same. Haven’t we seen enough?

Official Score