If you have any kind of active fantasy life, you’ve got at least a vague idea of what you’re going to do when society turns into zombies. Maybe you’ve picked a favorite weapon or a defendable location. People argue about the best zombie survival plans like it’s a religion, and it sort of is, because unless something extremely unlikely happens, we will have wasted billions of hours on pointless speculation and planning.
This is not an article to debunk survival methods. I’ve read The Zombie Survival Guide, and if you like your chances of looting a karate shop and cutting down a horde of corpses with a 15-pound monk’s spade, I’m happy that your stupidity will finally yield a spectacular death. After all, we’re talking about a make-believe world, so you might as well be Jackie Chan in it. And Jackie, this article is here to make sure you have the greatest post-apocalypse you can have. That doesn’t necessarily mean survival. We’re not here to simply scrape by the zombie apocalypse — we’re here to kick it in the ass. It’s why the American language contains the word “awesomest” and not the word “alivest.”