One of the things that mainstream media almost always seems to forget, unless it’s a comedy or a crime thriller (example), is that people need to go to the bathroom. Hell, every single living thing on this planet needs to relieve themselves once or twice a day (maybe more), with a few exceptions. But do creatures from the supernatural world, specifically, in this case, vampires, need to partake in an excretion ritual? Two interesting theories on Yahoo! Answers seem to think they’ve got the solution to this question.

The first answer, which comes from Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods, gets rather technical and takes all the fun out of things, stating:

1. Vampires, defined as a humanoid being that MUST consume blood or energy to survive do not exist. Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I “recycle” my own answers instead of retyping them so here goes. A brief discussion of the human digestive system and then the probable vampire population given an exponential growth rate should explain why vampires are not possible.

2. The human body is not designed to process large amounts of blood for nutrition. There is not enough protein, carbohydrates, and fats present in blood to maintain a complex creature such as Homo Sapiens or any theorized offshoot mutations. When a human ingests food it is first broken up into a bolus by chewing, then churned up in the stomach with digestive juices to form a mass called chyme. It then passes through the pylorus into the duodenum, part of the small intestine where it mixes with bile salts and secretions from the pancreas and liver which continue breaking it down on a molecular basis, mostly affecting fats at this point. The broken down nutrients pass through the wall of the intestines and into the bloodstream where they are carried to each cell or stored for later use. Indigestible bulk continues through the intestines, turning a dark brown from the bile. Water is absorbed from this mass in the large intestine depending on the needs of the body – a well-hydrated person will usually have a softer stool than a dehydrated person will. Water also enters the bloodstream, and this is what helps to maintain blood pressure. The pressure tends to balance itself in a healthy person because the bloodstream goes through a formation in the kidney called the Loop of Henle, where the narrowing blood vessel forces excess water and cellular waste such as urea out through the cellular wall into the kidneys, where it is excreted through the ureters into the bladder, and then out of the body via the urethral passageway.

3. IMPORTANT – A person physically unable to process his own food for nutrition therefore also could not process blood – it’s the same process. Ingested blood does not transmit directly to the veins anyway – it would be chemically broken down by the digestive system.

4. Theoretical ingestion of blood to supply these nutrients would therefore have to occur at least once a day, and would require the ingestion of the entire blood supply which could not happen as the stomach is far too small to hold that much liquid volume. Hold up your clenched fist – under normal conditions your stomach is about that size. Furthermore, such a mass would be difficult to pass thru the intestines as it has no fibrous bulk, would create an intestinal impaction, causing massive vomiting from the large concentration of iron present, and any “real” vampire would have to eventually expel the waste, which would come out as a black, tarry, smelly goo, just as stool does when blood is present from a upper GI bleed.

ANYONE who tells you such things are “real” is either living in a fantasy, lying through their teeth, has mistaken autonomic biofeedback adrenaline/endorphin release for “draining”, or are caught up in a delusion bordering on mental illness.

Drinking blood is a behavior of choice, not one of physiological necessity.

I’m a Nurse, real education, real experience.

However, a more entertaining answer comes from Alex Muntaz, who explains:

Ignoring the Stephanie Meyer mention (whose vampire physics go along with ‘how can I make people NOT DIE of boredom in my books/movies?’).

When it comes to vampirism, I like to think that vampire bat biology would explain their need for blood and lack of ability to eat anything else whatsoever.
As it turns out, vampire bats have a very thin epidermis surrounding their stomach organ. This is so, when the blood is ingested, it and the nutrients (and water) it comes along with, is passed right through the stomach lining into the blood vessels surrounding it. The waste, which is the blood plasma, is sent right into the intestines to the kidneys to be leaked out via the anus.

Yes. Vampire bats poop liquid. Plasma, in fact, a yellowy substance. Vampire bats start leaking plasma two minutes during feeding. So hence, I think vampires would have to suck blood while in the toilet (or in a diaper) to avoid messing their snazzy pants.

Interesting, yes?

Still, we can see now why vampire bats can’t eat anything else. Their bodies had evolved to survive on blood alone. So shoving a carrot stick in their mouth would cause problems as their stomach WONT be able to digest the stuff.

I don’t know about Edward and his so-called vampires. I just know they will die out quick enough, that with all the common tendency of cows developing tuberculosis and rabies (uncurable unless caught soon enough) not to mention all the bacteria cows carry. I mean, has anyone SEEN a cow?! You’d have to torch the meat to think it’s safe to even put in your mouth!

So, there you have it. Two differing ideas on the subject. Now, instead of asking you all to comment with your thoughts on whether or not vampires poop, I want to know which mythological/supernatural creature has the worst time dropping the kids off at the pool. The Wolfman? The Creature From The Black Lagoon? Think about it and let us know in the comments!