Editorials
The Age-Old Question “Do Vampires Poop” May Have Been Answered
One of the things that mainstream media almost always seems to forget, unless it’s a comedy or a crime thriller (example), is that people need to go to the bathroom. Hell, every single living thing on this planet needs to relieve themselves once or twice a day (maybe more), with a few exceptions. But do creatures from the supernatural world, specifically, in this case, vampires, need to partake in an excretion ritual? Two interesting theories on Yahoo! Answers seem to think they’ve got the solution to this question.
The first answer, which comes from Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods, gets rather technical and takes all the fun out of things, stating:
1. Vampires, defined as a humanoid being that MUST consume blood or energy to survive do not exist. Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I “recycle” my own answers instead of retyping them so here goes. A brief discussion of the human digestive system and then the probable vampire population given an exponential growth rate should explain why vampires are not possible.
2. The human body is not designed to process large amounts of blood for nutrition. There is not enough protein, carbohydrates, and fats present in blood to maintain a complex creature such as Homo Sapiens or any theorized offshoot mutations. When a human ingests food it is first broken up into a bolus by chewing, then churned up in the stomach with digestive juices to form a mass called chyme. It then passes through the pylorus into the duodenum, part of the small intestine where it mixes with bile salts and secretions from the pancreas and liver which continue breaking it down on a molecular basis, mostly affecting fats at this point. The broken down nutrients pass through the wall of the intestines and into the bloodstream where they are carried to each cell or stored for later use. Indigestible bulk continues through the intestines, turning a dark brown from the bile. Water is absorbed from this mass in the large intestine depending on the needs of the body – a well-hydrated person will usually have a softer stool than a dehydrated person will. Water also enters the bloodstream, and this is what helps to maintain blood pressure. The pressure tends to balance itself in a healthy person because the bloodstream goes through a formation in the kidney called the Loop of Henle, where the narrowing blood vessel forces excess water and cellular waste such as urea out through the cellular wall into the kidneys, where it is excreted through the ureters into the bladder, and then out of the body via the urethral passageway.
3. IMPORTANT – A person physically unable to process his own food for nutrition therefore also could not process blood – it’s the same process. Ingested blood does not transmit directly to the veins anyway – it would be chemically broken down by the digestive system.
4. Theoretical ingestion of blood to supply these nutrients would therefore have to occur at least once a day, and would require the ingestion of the entire blood supply which could not happen as the stomach is far too small to hold that much liquid volume. Hold up your clenched fist – under normal conditions your stomach is about that size. Furthermore, such a mass would be difficult to pass thru the intestines as it has no fibrous bulk, would create an intestinal impaction, causing massive vomiting from the large concentration of iron present, and any “real” vampire would have to eventually expel the waste, which would come out as a black, tarry, smelly goo, just as stool does when blood is present from a upper GI bleed.
ANYONE who tells you such things are “real” is either living in a fantasy, lying through their teeth, has mistaken autonomic biofeedback adrenaline/endorphin release for “draining”, or are caught up in a delusion bordering on mental illness.
Drinking blood is a behavior of choice, not one of physiological necessity.
I’m a Nurse, real education, real experience.
However, a more entertaining answer comes from Alex Muntaz, who explains:
Ignoring the Stephanie Meyer mention (whose vampire physics go along with ‘how can I make people NOT DIE of boredom in my books/movies?’).
When it comes to vampirism, I like to think that vampire bat biology would explain their need for blood and lack of ability to eat anything else whatsoever.
As it turns out, vampire bats have a very thin epidermis surrounding their stomach organ. This is so, when the blood is ingested, it and the nutrients (and water) it comes along with, is passed right through the stomach lining into the blood vessels surrounding it. The waste, which is the blood plasma, is sent right into the intestines to the kidneys to be leaked out via the anus.Yes. Vampire bats poop liquid. Plasma, in fact, a yellowy substance. Vampire bats start leaking plasma two minutes during feeding. So hence, I think vampires would have to suck blood while in the toilet (or in a diaper) to avoid messing their snazzy pants.
Interesting, yes?
Still, we can see now why vampire bats can’t eat anything else. Their bodies had evolved to survive on blood alone. So shoving a carrot stick in their mouth would cause problems as their stomach WONT be able to digest the stuff.
I don’t know about Edward and his so-called vampires. I just know they will die out quick enough, that with all the common tendency of cows developing tuberculosis and rabies (uncurable unless caught soon enough) not to mention all the bacteria cows carry. I mean, has anyone SEEN a cow?! You’d have to torch the meat to think it’s safe to even put in your mouth!
So, there you have it. Two differing ideas on the subject. Now, instead of asking you all to comment with your thoughts on whether or not vampires poop, I want to know which mythological/supernatural creature has the worst time dropping the kids off at the pool. The Wolfman? The Creature From The Black Lagoon? Think about it and let us know in the comments!
Found footage movies rely on immersion and a particular kind of suspension of disbelief in order to scare viewers, so it stands to reason that playing along with the “kayfabe” of it all is necessary for these movies to be effective. However, despite being something of a purist when it comes to in-universe recordings, I’ve come to accept that traditional productions can benefit from the occasional injection of found footage thrills.
For instance, Kane Parsons’ Backrooms adaptation makes genius use of the analog gimmick in order to trap us in the titular rooms alongside our main characters before effortlessly switching back to a more cinematic language. In honor of these dynamic films that manage to combine the best of both worlds, today I’d like to share six other hybrid horror movies that successfully incorporate found footage into their scares!
For the purposes of this list, “hybrid” horror movies are defined as any flick that shifts between diegetic recordings and traditional filming techniques for a significant amount of time (or at least for pivotal scenes).
As usual, don’t forget to comment below with your own hybrid favorites if you think a particularly freaky one was missed.
With that out of the way, onto the list!
5. The Last Broadcast (1998)
Internet critics may have overstated the influence that Stefan Avalos and Lance Weiler’s The Last Broadcast had on The Blair Witch Project, but the found footage subgenre still owes a huge debt to this underrated piece of avant-garde filmmaking. However, while the movie sets itself up as a documentary about the disappearance of a group of cryptid-hunters attempting to track down the Jersey Devil, things take a darker and much more grounded turn towards the final act.
I won’t get into details in order to avoid spoilers, but suffice to say that the jarring shift in perspective actually helps to sell the idea that everything we’ve seen before the finale was an attempt at using filmmaking to manipulate the public perception of a “real” incident.
Not bad for a movie with a $900 budget!
4. Cam (2018)
When you consider just how much the internet affects our daily lives, it’s strange that we don’t see Screenlife elements pop up in more movies these days. For instance, Isa Mazzei & Daniel Goldhaber’s highly underrated Cam only works as a freaky parable about online sex-work because it masterfully balances Madeline Brewer’s intimate moments with highly immersive segments within cyberspace.
While one might argue that the entire film could have been produced as a Screenlife experience, the hybrid approach allows the filmmakers to explore our main character’s life beyond the screens – with the duality of modern human existence actually becoming a recurring theme in the story.
3. Banshee Chapter (2013)
Most of H.P. Lovecraft’s popular stories were told in the epistolary format (where the text is presented as an in-universe compilation of letters or personal notes), so it makes sense that a spiritually faithful adaptation of his work would incorporate elements from the modern-day equivalent to epistolary fiction – found footage!
That’s why Blair Erickson’s Banshee Chapter is such an effective scare-fest, as this hybrid adaptation of From Beyond -retold through a conspiratorial lens as it references MK-Ultra and even secretive numbers stations- immerses viewers in a mind-bending tapestry of Cosmic Horror that blurs the line between fiction and reality.
2. The Deep House (2019)
The underwater setting does a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury’s The Deep House, with the film being especially uncomfortable if you’re already scared of tight spaces and being deprived of oxygen. However, even the universally unsettling elements of the flick only work because the POV often shifts into claustrophobic footage courtesy of our main characters’ GoPro cameras.
Telling the story of a couple of YouTubers who encounter a haunted house at the bottom of an artificial lake while vacationing in France, The Deep House’s first-person exploration sequences contain some of the film’s scariest moments. In fact, I’d argue that the movie didn’t even need ghosts, as becoming trapped in the titular House already sounds like a fate worse than death.
1. Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
My personal favorite instance of filmmakers successfully managing to combine traditional cinematography with POV filmmaking, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, is proof that the two formats can co-exist if the right story comes along.
After all, what better way to conclude a mockumentary all about reality getting increasingly more cinematic than by ditching the found footage gimmick altogether during the finale? Not only does this shift in presentation work on a conceptual level, but it also elevates Behind The Mask into a proper Slasher, which is probably why we’re so excited for that long-overdue sequel!
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