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10 Clowns that Will Haunt Your Dreams Forever!

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scary clowns

In case you haven’t heard, clowns have been in the news a lot lately. It’s a very off phenomenon that seems to be getting worse as time passes. Hell, even John Carpenter chimed in on the subject. It’s not as if clowns aren’t scary enough! Their sightings have caused school closings in more than 20 states and a panic among the residents of many suburbs (even our own Mr. Disgusting’s neighborhood has been affected) The onslaught of clowns in the country has of course got me thinking of many of the fictional clowns that inspired these creeps. Being scared of clowns may be silly to some people, but it’s always been one of those fears that I just can’t shake. I remember being taken to the Mardi Gras parades (I spent my early years growing up right outside of New Orleans) as  a toddler and legitimately freaking out when I spotted a float full of clowns down the road. So here are some clowns that have gotten under my skin over the years.


Pennywise (It)

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. Pennywise (Tim Curry) is terrifying, and while I’m excited for the remake coming out next September, I’m also legitimately scared to go see it. The original ABC mini-series has not aged well with time, but King’s novel is still capable of sending chills up the spine. Pennywise is one of the greatest villains ever created.

scary clowns


Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses)

Tutti fuckin’ frutti! If Tobe Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre had a clown in it and was also directed by Rob Zombie, then Sid Haig’s Captain Spaulding would no doubt be that clown. While his screen time is limited in House of 1000 Corpses, he is able to truly terrify in The Devil’s Rejects. Spaulding is a relentless and vicious psychopath that no person should ever hope to come into contact with.

scary clowns


Clown Doll (Poltergeist)

Did any child watch Tobe Hooper’s Poletergiest and not immediately become terrified of clowns (and possibly trees, pools and televisions)? I commend you if you didn’t! Watching this possessed doll attack poor Robbie will forever be permanently ingrained in my memory.

scary clowns


Art (All Hallows’ Eve)

I won’t even lie to you guys: Art the Clown (Mike Giannelli) creeps me the fuck out. Like a mix between a drag queen (the lipstick looks like something Trixie Mattell would wear) and a demon, Art is a mute homicidal clown. Watching him laugh silently as he stares at one of his dismembered victims is a visual you don’t want in your brain.

scary clowns


The Ghastly Grinner (Are You Afraid of the Dark?)

Children of the 90s should know who this bastard is. Are You Afraid of the Dark? is one of those shows that would probably seem laughable now (I haven’t seen it since I was a kid), but there’s a difference when you’re eight years old and watching it. The Ghastly Grinner’s (Neil Kroetsch) modus operandi would be to laugh maniacally in front of his victims, turning them into giggling idiots who drooled blue slime. It’s scarier than it sounds.

scary clowns


Needles Kane (Twisted Metal)

Surprise! The villainous clown in Sony’s Twisted Metal’s video games is named Needles Kane. Sweet Tooth is actually the name of the weaponized ice cream truck he drives. Kane is a serial killer who maintains that he is the greatest serial killer of all time. He will do whatever it takes to keep that title.

scary clowns


Cloyne (Clown)

It may have taken two or three years to see the Eli Roth-produced Clown see an American release, but it was worth the wait! Kent McCoy (Andy Powers) puts on a clown suit for his son’s birthday party only for it to permanently stick to his skin. It turns out the costume isn’t a costume at all, and is actually the skin of a child-eating demon named Cloyne.

scary clowns


Twisty (American Horror Story)

American Horror Story really screwed the pooch when they dispatched Twisty the Clown (John Carroll Lynch) four episodes into its Freak Show season didn’t it? Twisty was arguably the most interesting part of the series’s weak season, making it particularly front-loaded. Still, Twisty was an imposing presence who managed to leave a solid mark in American Horror Story history. At least we’ll always have those four episodes!

scary clowns


Doom-Head (31)

31 has received a mixed reception from critics and audiences alike (read our Sundance review here), but there is one thing we can (hopefully) all agree on: Richard Brake’s Doom-Head is the best part of the film. After he opens the film with a truly creepy monologue delivered to one of his victims, he remains off-screen until the film’s climax. It is then that he really gets to let loose.

scary clowns


Fizbo (Modern Family)

I don’t care what anyone says. Cam’s (Eric Stonestreet) alter-ego Fizbo the Clown is absolutely terrifying. After debuting in the ninth episode of the ABC comedy’s first season in 2009, Fizbo has been a recurring presence looming over the series, appearing in several more episodes in future seasons.

scary clowns

A journalist for Bloody Disgusting since 2015, Trace writes film reviews and editorials, as well as co-hosts Bloody Disgusting's Horror Queers podcast, which looks at horror films through a queer lens. He has since become dedicated to amplifying queer voices in the horror community, while also injecting his own personal flair into film discourse. Trace lives in Denver, CO with his husband and their two dogs. Find him on Twitter @TracedThurman

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Editorials

Not Another ‘Scary Movie’: Revisiting Forgotten Parody ‘Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th’

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Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th

After Scream (1996) made a killing at the box office, as well as won over critics and audiences, a lot of folks in the movie biz thought they could do the same thing (and yield similar results). That thing, of course, being a slasher. Most of these opportunists wound up being pretty straightforward; they were low on humor or commentary. Yet others, like Scary Movie (2000), saw the potential for spoofing Scream, and acted on that impulse with both haste and excitement.

A few months after the Wayans’ comedy first hit theaters, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th landed on the USA Network, as part of the channel’s “Shriek Week” programming. That straight-to-cable (then home video) destination is possibly why many people still don’t know about this one. Or they simply chose to forget. Whatever the reason, only one of these two horror parodies came out on top—and it’s certainly not the movie where Coolio channeled Prince, and Tom Arnold saved the day.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th previously went by the name of I Know What You Screamed Last Semester. That Trimark acquisition then settled on a wordier title, just so it could avoid the litigious wrath of Miramax Films. Folks may or may not remember that Columbia Pictures was sued over the “implied connection” between I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) and Scream. So, yeah, there was no way that this competing Scream parody wasn’t going to be kept on a tight rein.

A Heavy Reliance on Late ’90s TV References

scary movie

Simon Rex, Julie Benz, Majandra Delfino, Harley Cross, Danny Strong, Tom Arnold and Tiffani-Amber Thiesen in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.

Naturally, there would be similarities between Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th and Scary Movie—their scripts are built on the backs of the same two movies. It goes without saying that the other big slasher of the 1990s, I Know What You Did Last Summer, was as much of a target as Scream. However,the film pads itself with more TV references than Scary Movie did.

Half the cast coming off of (and in some cases, returning to) a WB show could be a reason why. Dawson’s Creek is particularly zeroed in on, based on how there’s a central character namedDawson Deery, and how the teen drama’s teacher-student affair plotline is satirized to the nth degree. As if there weren’t enough nods to television, Baywatch, VH1’s Pop Up Video, and even those cheesy Mentos commercials all serve as joke prompts.

Shriek director John Blanchard and writers Sue Bailey and Joe Nelms all hailed from television, so it’s understandable that they would stick close to home. The movie’s humor in general makes more sense, in light of learning that Blanchard worked on SCTV, Kids in the Hall, and MADtv. The writers, on the other hand, were each fairly green, with Bailey being the most experienced of the two; she wrote and produced the game show BattleBots. Nevertheless, they, plus Blanchard, churned out a passable, joke-a-minute movie. The whole thing is staggeringly of its time, but no one here was aiming for longevity.

Having seen enough of these kinds of movies, we know to expect jokes of the low-hanging fruit variety. That’s the parody’s whole prime directive. From the characters having names likeScrew FrombehindandDoughy Primesuspect, to stereotyping that feels taboo nowadays, this is a movie from a different era of comedy. Its coarse, corny, and unapologetic sense of humor won’t sit well with everyone in these more enlightened times. In which case, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th can be treated as a time capsule.

Does Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th Humor Still Hold Up Today?

scary movie

“You may already be a victim”—Someone receives a most peculiar threatening piece of mail in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.

Although Shriek doesn’t live up to its own claims of being so funny that you’ll die of laughter, its bawdier parts could still lead to some nervous laughter. For instance, after this movie’s parallel to Drew Barrymore’s Scream character is done in—not by the killer but by a bug zapper—the movie throws a newspaper next to the victim’s fresh corpse. The headline?Popular slut killed! Football team mourns.

We then move on to the wacky and inappropriate goings-on at Bulimia Falls High School, home of the Hurlers. At this nexus of constant absurdity, indecency, and surrealism, students are seen fornicating on the lawn, cheerleading squad applicants are advised to be comfortable with partial nudity, and terrorists openly prepare for an anthrax attack. It can be a tad jarring to watch, especially if you didn’t grow up witnessing this style of comedy firsthand. Hell, even if you did, you may still have awhat the hell were they thinking?reaction.

It’s not just the aggressively edgy humor here that can make you chuckle—the slapstick, the sight gags, and the ribaldry all have a decent chance of landing. The movie’s own villain, whose hockey mask was instantly transformed into a crudely Ghostface-esque one after coming in contact with an open flame, commits more cheap laughs than kills. His and his victims’ chase sequences, most of which are cartoonish in nature, left this writer grinning. The Scooby-Doo fan in me also totally ate up that clever unmasking joke.

Final Thoughts on This Forgotten Horror Parody

Scary Movie

Shriek If You Know What Did Last Friday the 13th

Now, the jury is still out on whether these comedies are to blame for the death of the first slasher revival. There is more to consider than some parodies. At the very least, the likes of Scary Movie didn’t exactly encourage big studios to put their money on a trend that was being derided to death (and not as profitable as the spoofs). These sorts of movies also felt unnecessary at the time, given how their principal inspiration is already a deconstruction of the genre. But like anything else that quickly becomes popular, mockery is unavoidable.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th is indeed a movie nobody asked for, much less needed. As a sample of pre-millennium humor and cultural attitudes, it’s not always precise. But as I’ve laid out, your mileage may vary. Horror parodies typically don’t have the best track record, so managing one’s own expectations here is recommended.

Upon rewatching, I for one laughed a bit more than I did back then. Only this time, I responded to the jokes that my younger self didn’t notice or find all that amusing. So it just goes to show that the movies don’t change—we do.

scary movie

Harley Cross and Majandra Delfino must unmask the killer a number of times in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th before learning their true identity.

 

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