Editorials
5 Films I’d Love to See Rob Zombie Remake
I want to go ahead and get it out of the way now that I am a Rob Zombie fan. Always have been all the way from the days of White Zombie to some of his newest stuff like Lords of Salem. I can’t say, however, that I’ve loved everything that he’s done. In reality, there are very few artists in music, film, or any other mass media for that matter that I or anybody else could say that they have never made a misstep. If I wanted to get even more subjective, I could say that today’s misstep is tomorrow’s cult classic. Sometimes, the key ingredients are equal measures of time and nostalgia. It’s just too random to call. I can give it a go and suggest some cult classics that would be well suited to Mr. Zombie’s wheelhouse.
The great thing about him is that he is the elder statesman of the Gen X generation of writer/directors that enjoyed the first wave of a prolific access to films from multiple genres and decades. Through crazy independent local UHF channels that included Saturday afternoon double features of everything from The Devil’s Rain to Sugar Hill, and video store shelves lined with likes of video nasties, Blaxploitation films, and early to mid-1980’s action and horror, the Splat Pack directors are the first product of such a pivotal time that was the precursor for the all access, multi-format platforms we have today. In simpler terms, I just love Zombie because he seems like the cool kid from the trailer park that has the assigned seat next to you at school. He tells you all about the movies he watches completely unsupervised and shows you his cool drawings. It’s nice to know that we did end up hearing about one of those kids that grew up to make good.
So far, RZ has tackled one remake with extremely divided reactions and sentiments. Every now and then, we’ll get wind of a Blob remake from him, but I’m more inclined to think that his talents would be better utilized for remakes of films that are just as loved, but maybe not as high on the radar. So here are some suggestions in no particular order.
THE HIDDEN

For anyone that hasn’t heard of this early feature from the revitalized New Line Cinema after it had the shot in the arm from the first A Nightmare on Elm Street films, it is a bona fide underground classic. The tale of a body swapping alien with a penchant for violence, fast exotic cars, and heavy metal begs for Zombie’s stab at it. He hasn’t made an effects laden piece yet, and this could be the one. He also hasn’t made a horror film that blends action with horror as heavily as this one does. His experience directing music videos gives him an edge for perspective, quick cuts and integrating the music into the imagery. Just think what he could do with the concept of the possessed stripper. The soundtrack could also be epic.
TRICK OR TREAT

The Halloween remake is a sore spot for discussion and usually gets about as far as discussing politics. Maybe another Halloween cult classic that is imprisoned in music rights hell could be the common ground for the Halloween right and left. Trick or Treat was a low budget, but really fun ride made by Dino De Laurentiss in the mid 80’s that capitalized on the rock and metal censorship craze of the time. I don’t know if it would play as topical now, but it’s not even necessary to make it current. Set it in 1986. Rob thrives on retro callbacks, and the casting possibilities for Eddie and Sammi Curr are almost limitless. Just think of cameos from actual rock stars if Zombie calls in a few favors. Once again, excellent soundtrack possibilities.
COUNT YORGA

Maybe the lesser known of the vampire franchises. Only two films were made, but veteran actor Robert Quarry classed it up as San Francisco’s premier purveyor of the undead. The first one was originally developed as an erotic film, but the decision was made to make it more mainstream. The eroticism still resonates and Zombie could make it a very hard R with an unrated version to boot. It very much has the Dracula storyline but without all the baggage and expectations of making a Dracula remake. I would love to see what he could do with the 1970’s aesthetic and a vampire film in general.
THE BEAST MUST DIE

I’ve loved the concept of this film from the very first time that I saw it. It’s one of the last films from Amicus, the studio that brought some classic horror anthologies to the screen. The Beast Must Die is about an eccentric millionaire/hunter that invites carefully chosen guests to his secluded compound to find out which one is a werewolf. The characters are eclectic themselves and could give Zombie some creative license to put his spin on them. What made this film even more unique was that it had a “werewolf break” for the audience to finally decide who it was. That might still work with internet savvy audiences today if they can stay clear of spoilers. A better choice may be an app for the film that allows the audience to vote on the outcome from multiple filmed endings, sort of like the old school “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. The app could have probability statistics integrated within, promote an audience participation experience, and be a fun ride for even the most horror phobic. The millionaire role was played originally by suave black actor, Calvin Lockhart, and the doctor was played by the great Peter Cushing. To miscast these roles would be to damn the remake. Zombie could possibly use Ken Foree, a beloved genre favorite to bring the absolutely necessary swagger to the part of the millionaire, and Malcolm McDowell for the gravitas as the good doctor.
HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
I saved the best for last. This one has Zombie written all over it and is definitely the Halloween I wish he would do. Beloved, but without the purist stigma attached to it. Zombie knows how to do an occult film, and turning him loose on this one doesn’t limit him as much as taking on the lore of Michael Myers. The chips in the Silver Shamrock masks could get an update, and the danger of the internet, satellite TV, and streaming services trumps just the three channels that our hero had to stop in the original.
I keep hearing about an original biker flick that Rob Zombie wants to do. I think he could do it justice, and I’m looking forward to some more original stuff from him. It’s a tough gig to tackle something that someone else has put their mark on already. Especially, when that particular thing has legions of loyal fans. I’m not anti-remake, except when it’s an obvious cash grab with little to no regard for the original. As I grow and appreciate horror and filmmaking in general, I try to have an open mind and understand what a sincere filmmaker was trying to do for something that may have been a pivotal film for them. After all, Carpenter’s The Thing was a remake.
Editorials
Forgotten ’80s Satanic Panic Horror Gem ‘The Kiss’ Is Worth Rediscovering
Horror was thriving so well in the 1980s that movies like Pen Densham’s The Kiss (1988) would understandably get lost in the shuffle, only to then gain their fans later on in life. Even still, this one Canadian-American curio has had a more challenging time than others, as far as contemporary reevaluations go, which is very likely due to the movie’s limited availability—at least as of this write-up.
However, the scarceness of The Kiss, while a bit annoying, makes it like catnip for ‘80s horror completists everywhere. Hopefully, a lot of them will walk away satisfied after watching this hidden gem.
Even though The Kiss was intended as the first of several horror collaborations between Astral Pictures and TriStar, as well as the first feature produced by Densham, Richard B. Lewis and John Watson’s Trilogy Entertainment Group, it ended up being the only one produced from that former union. Once the movie was released, TriStar’s distribution jitters—they opted for a regional rollout—did the $6-million flick no favors. TriStar’s cold feet toward horror releases have been well noted, but The Kiss still did a tad better than Night of the Creeps (1986), another genre outing that flopped due to its regional opening.
Shot in Montreal, but set in Albany, New York, The Kiss—which was still called The Host just a few months before its October premiere—concerns an average middle-class family and their forthcoming situation. The uncanny problem in store for them was, in fact, set in motion some years earlier. As that hot and dusty flashback to the Belgian Congo shows, a familial curse was set upon the two Dunbar sisters well before Meredith Salenger’s teenage character was born.

Meredith Salenger, Nicholas Kilbertus and Mimi Kuzyk in The Kiss
The Kiss, which was based on a story by co-writer Stephen Volk (Ghostwatch) and penned by both Volk and Tom Ropelewski, has the outward appearance of The Stepfather (1987). This movie, though, is anything but a gender-flipped retread of that classic domestic disturber. For starters, The Kiss is far less grounded in reality—that much is clear from its unsettling opening scene. There, a trusting girl (Priscilla Mouzakiotis) is the victim of her own deceptive aunt (Céline Lomez); the movie’s titular act, and the story’s first shock, becomes the means of transferring an ancient evil from one host to another.
In the present day, Salenger’s role of Amy Halloran, a religious schoolgirl, is dealt a harsh blow in life once her mother, Hilary Halloran née Dunbar (Pamela Collyer), suddenly dies in a freak accident. But rather than a complete stranger sweeping the Halloran widower (Nicholas Kilbertus) off his feet some months later, Joanna Pacula’s character is that chosen temptress. Here, Pacula plays the grown-up version of the afflicted girl last seen in the movie’s opener. Since Amy’s mother is insistent about there being no reunion between estranged sisters, and she even contemplates buying a gun shortly before her tragic demise, it’s presumable that Aunt Felice poses a threat to her family.
The Kiss isn’t a movie ever too concerned about its own predictability. The audience is indeed often one step ahead of the story here, but also keep in mind how every one of those steps is loud. Take, for instance, the death of Amy’s mother; the Halloran matriarch goes out in garish, gruesome fashion, as a supernaturally commandeered truck sends Collyer’s character through a store window first, then leaves her one leg short. The directorial enthusiasm truly comes out in horrific moments such as these.
The Kiss is always sure to revel in its characters’ ills and misfortunes. So if the plot doesn’t impress, then its lurid parts should. Amy’s mother’s exit scene was proof of an eager, first-time horror director proving his worth. Then, bestie Heather (Sabrina Boudot) survives to tell the tale of a bizarre escalator mishap that, despite showing relatively less gore, spikes viewers’ empathy meter. The wilder bits of this movie, however, commence with that inevitable hookup between Felice and Amy’s bewitched father; their kitchen coitus is paralleled by Amy’s feverish classroom terror. The outcome there is a disquieting cross-cut of sex magic and a young woman’s menstrual onset plus hallucinations.

Sabrina Boudot in The Kiss
From foam appliances to bladders, that parade of special effects in The Kiss casts its own spell on the audience. Felice’s familiar, a visibly malevolent cat, was realized here with several models, some more articulate than others. Admittedly, the demon cat’s not as convincing as most of the effects here, but accepting that artifice, as opposed to fighting it, will make the whole experience way more enjoyable. As for the makeup used to manifest Felice’s inner villainy, it is more minimal and subtle than one might like; yet the work done to turn Pacula into an antithesis of herself is nonetheless compelling.
The otherworldly perils and dreadful goings-on wouldn’t work half as well as they do in The Kiss without the story’s contrast effect. Finding frights in picturesque, extremely ordinary settings was something that took off in the ‘80s, thanks to that sweeping shift to locales like the suburbs. And Amy’s home, a replica of a real Montreal suburban house, is the ideal battleground for any proper good-versus-evil story. It’s also prime real estate for this movie’s satanic panic-inspired horrors.
Because of their ostensibly similar plots, The Kiss has been compared to The Exorcist (1973). Except in Densham’s movie, the sinister, non-Christian entity targeting a teen girl lies within something less apparent and, perhaps, more devastating upon its exposure. To an outsider, Pacula’s Aunt Felice is too beautiful and unobjectionable to ever suspect of being a monster. More suspicious is how quickly she rips into the fabric of the Halloran home. Felice’s mere presence upsets the “texture of family life,” according to the director.

The demon cat in The Kiss
Taking out Amy’s mother and best friend, and distracting her father, would suggest The Kiss is playing by a different set of rules. It is initially leaving its adolescent target unsupported in a rather grim scenario. In contrast, though, this story offers up a surrogate parent who does her best to fill in the holes of Amy’s eroding home life. Mimi Kuzyk does good work as that family friend and doctor, Brenda, who guides the lost child without also steering her in any one direction; she is naturally skeptical of Amy’s accusations until it’s almost too late to do anything about them. So although The Kiss does an admirable job of undoing the main character’s support system, it never leaves her without a lifeline. This dark movie, in spite of everything that’s transpired, doesn’t deprive itself of light and hope.
The Kiss is a potent mélange of familiar ideas. If not for the director’s surprise flair for horror, though, the movie would have been less effective. What a shame that Pen Densham didn’t continue with the genre. As for Joanna Pacula, she is, too, owed credit as the wicked vixen opposite Meredith Salenger’s pitiable Amy; she never fails to be unsettling in her role. Pacula makes Aunt Felice a sexy yet intimidating character.
For horror that steadily doles out madness and menace, while also delivering a flashy and ghastly conclusion, The Kiss is certain to please. Yes, it’s cheesy all the way, but most favorably, everyone involved plays everything straight. That kind of commitment goes a long way with this movie.

The Kiss
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