Editorials
13 Unlikable ‘Friday the 13th’ Victims Whose Deaths We Cheered
Because sometimes, a little machete justice is well deserved.
October this year not only brings with it the Halloween holiday we ache for 364 days out of the year, but a bonus Friday the 13th as well; it doesn’t get any better than that folks. And while Michael Myers eats up most of the glory this month, the Shape takes a breather for a day as our special, special boy Jason takes the reigns as we focus on one-third of the unholy trinity (Freddy, Jason, and Michael) on his day of reckoning. Also, let’s talk science here- some of that violent reckoning felt great to those who really had it coming.
Yes, like most horror films, you have a hero, best buddy, comic relief, and of course, a serious douchebag. Classic standards that make up the cast for a horror movie, right? And the beloved Friday the 13th franchise had more than its fair share of scum sharing the screen with Camp Crystal Lake’s most notorious mama’s boy, who when met face-to-face with the machete of justice, we cheered as if our hometown sports team won the state championship.
In celebration of one of our favorite ongoing (hopefully) series of slasher films and the second greatest day of the year, instead of weeping for the innocents’ fate at the hands (or power tool) of Jason, we rejoice in the much-welcomed departure of 13 of Crystal Lake’s biggest assholes.
13. Shelly Finkelstein
Some people love the character of Shelly, while some find him insufferable. I almost feel like a prick for putting him on this list, however, when I hear him speak after a recent rewatch, I don’t feel as bad for including the “Franklin” of the F13 franchise. His ongoing bad pranks of “the boy who cried wolf”, ended abruptly and ever so adequately with a slash to the throat rendering him unable to speak- thank fucks…
12. Axle Burns
Axle had a bit part in The Final Chapter, but the little time he spent on screen, made us hate this dirty creep enough to crack a smile when Jason served him his just desserts with a throat slash and bonus head twist. Sorry Axle, weirdo-sexy-booty-rump time is over. Jackass.
11. Tamara Mason
The mean girl award of 1989 definitely goes to Tamara Mason. This manipulative chick who also peer pressures her friend into using drugs, attempts to use her looks and sexuality to advance in life, giving zero fucks who gets hurt in the process. Ironically enough, Jason kills her with pieces of a broken mirror in her bathroom. Poetic justice? Absolutely.
10. Ethel Hubbard
Ethel Hubbard, the foul-mouthed redneck down the road brings the sanctity of bitchdom to a whole other level of crazy in The New Beginning. While her oddball mama’s boy of a son could rival Jason’s own admiration for his mother, he couldn’t even hold a candle to this broad. She acted as if the kids in the group home shit in her cheerios on a daily basis, and if ole Roy hadn’t killed the teens, she probably would have eventually. Also, I was pretty relieved once her shrilling voice fell silent in her soup slop.
9. Trent Sutton
Man, Trent was such a narcissistic douchebag. He’s like the popular guy in high school who got off on making people who he deemed beneath him lives so goddamn miserable, and you wanted to see the shithead trip and fall flat on his face, breaking his nose so badly. He’s a controlling boyfriend and a cheating scum. Jenna deserved way better- and Trent deserved that trip down Crystal Lake Justice Lane.
8. Melissa Paur
Snobby Melissa from The New Blood may have been a match made in Heaven for ole Trent before her on this list. How the people that had to be in close proximity of this character didn’t knock her teeth out, is beyond my comprehension. Manipulative and sneaky, this bitch tried to play all her cards to get her way; and that way resulted in an ax to her forehead. A glorious end to miss pink and pearls if you’re asking me.
7. Robert Campbell
This sleazy journalist from Jason Goes to Hell gives us all a bad name. Hijacking the body of his girlfriend’s mother for the purposes of fame and job advancement is pretty damn despicable. The guy never passed Ethics 101 I’m guessing. Campbell being possessed by Jason makes him just over the top cringe-worthy, if that were even possible, yet here we are. And his place, along with his body resulting in a puddle of melted goo per the Jason possession, is well deserved indeed.
6. Ali, Fox, and Loco
Three of the most memorable characters from the third Friday installment, wouldn’t have deserved their fate had they just left shit alone. But turning the other tattooed cheek has no place in the Crystal Lake universe! They roughed up Shelly, which was kind of refreshing, but they crossed the line when trying to burn down the barn that could have resulted in seriously hurting innocent people. Eh, they had it coming.
5. Charles McCulloch
Jason taking out the trash in Manhattan indeed! Ok, Canada but let’s pretend that wasn’t a thing. The abusive, cold-hearted uncle of the sweet Rennie almost let his niece who he retains guardianship over, drown as a young child; resulting in a crippling anxiety of the water Rennie carried into her young adulthood. Jason planting Charles headfirst into what looks like a toxic waste barrel from a TMNT cartoon, seemed like a suitable ending for this piece of shit.
4. Dr. Crews
Crews, the physiatrist of telekinetic Tina Shepherd is a flat out first-rate asshole. It’s pretty easy to hate the guy, as similar to Jason Goes to Hell douche Robert Campbell, uses others to gain notoriety; and he’s not even slick about it. Crews lures Tina and her mother to Crystal Lake for some special therapy, but he’s only trying to exploit the poor, damaged girl. Plus, he gets Tina’s mother killed due to his recklessness. Can’t say I didn’t chuckle when he got mowed down with a hand-held motor saw.
3. Junkie Criminals
I really don’t think I need to make too much of an argument here on these two pieces of sexual assaulting, junkie pieces of shit. The pair of junkie alleyway thugs that abducted Rennie, stuck a needle in her, and attempting to have their way with her, deserved much more than a needle through their back and a face smash into a pipe. However, Jason, albeit unintentionally, saves the day again by ridding the world of serious trash.
2. Raver Rapist
As if his clothing choices weren’t reason enough to kill this little shit, the raving rapist pretty much ties places here with the junkie thugs from Manhattan. The only difference here is the cowardly approach sneaking up on a girl while she’s indisposed. Although poor Gibb suffered in the crossfire between Voorhees and the raver predator, we can only look at it as taking one for the team for the greater good of humanity.
1. Roy Burns
Picking up right where Jason left off, paramedic Roy Burns loses his shit when he sees his son has been murdered quite violently by one of the troubled kids at the group home cabin. He snaps, grabs a hockey mask, and poses as Voorhees killing off anyone connected to his son, no matter how minor. So yeah, not only did he deserve his fate because of his wild killing spree, but where exactly the fuck was he when his son needed him? Allowing this poor kid to jump from foster home to foster home, never having stability? All of a sudden this dude wants to give a shit? Pfft, what a terrible deadbeat dad.
As I leave you here with one of the greatest musical contributions to horror movie history by the fabulous Metropolis, let’s talk below about Jason taking on the heroic role in the Friday films by ridding the planet of complete wastes of oxygen. Who do you think was the worst of the worst?
The problem with filming sequels back-to-back is that, unless you can afford expensive reshoots, there’s no easy way to adjust course in between movies if fans react badly to where the story is headed. That’s why it’s important to have a complete narrative thought out well in advance lest you accidentally kill a budding franchise.
However, this isn’t always the case. Every once in a while, it seems like the cinema gods smile upon certain chaotic productions and gift moviegoers with complete franchises that feel like more than the sum of their hastily produced parts. Ted Nicolaou’s Bloodlust: Subspecies III is precisely one of these miraculous pictures, with the raw talents of the artists involved (as well as the continued support from Romania) turning the feature into an effective conclusion for a series that kind of made things up as the filmmakers went along.
That’s why I’d like to invite my fellow readers to join me on this third part of our journey through the Subspecies franchise as we look into Bloodlust and talk about how it remains a surprisingly satisfying finale to the original trilogy.
A Trilogy Planned on the Fly
Released only a year after Bloodstone found plenty of success in rental stores and mail-in VHS catalogues worldwide, 1994’s Bloodlust was produced at the same time as its predecessor in (mostly) the same locations and with the same team. This means that the movie benefited from all the same upgrades as Bloodstone, with the crew now being more experienced with the ins and outs of surviving a low-budget Romanian production and the cast really settling into their characters.
At this point, everything from location scouting to the makeup process had been streamlined, with Wayne Toth and Norman Cabrera, the main duo behind special effects, even switching out time-consuming prosthetics for latex gloves in order to speed up Anders Hove’s monstrous transformation. The titular “subspecies” demons were also once again relegated to a mere cameo appearance due to the laborious puppetry required to bring them to life.
The only real hiccup came from the fact that actress Denice Duff had replaced the first film’s Michelle (Laura Mae Tate) and was immediately expected to portray the character as both an innocent victim in part II and as a secondary villain in part III. According to behind-the-scenes interviews, the hectic production schedule that blended two different movies meant that Duff would often find herself having to alternate between two incredibly different versions of Michelle during the same shooting day – though it’s obvious that she’s having more fun with Bloodlust’s more traditionally vampiric version of her character.
In the finished film, we pick things up immediately where the previous entry left off as Rebecca (Melanie Shatner) is forced to leave her vampire sister Michelle (Duff) behind in the dungeons of Castle Vladislav due to the rising sun. This allows Mummy (Pamela Gordon) to use Michelle’s blood to revive the vicious Radu (Hove) so that he may continue his quest for the coveted Bloodstone – a magical artifact that perpetually drips the Blood of Saints.
Meanwhile, the dreamy US embassy agent Mel (Kevin Blair) agrees to help Rebecca plan a rescue mission, though they’re unaware that Radu has become infatuated with Michelle during his attempts to guide her growing bloodlust. This all culminates in a climactic confrontation meant to tie up all of the series’ loose ends in one of Full Moon Pictures’ most ambitious productions.
The Evolution of Radu
Like its predecessor, Bloodlust: Subspecies III was also warmly received by fans who argued that the series was an even bigger success than Full Moon’s other major horror franchise, Puppet Master. This praise wasn’t unanimous, however, as 1994 had seen the rise of a more modern breed of sexy vampire popularized by Anne Rice, with old-school Nosferatu like Radu being viewed as obsolete when compared to the likes of Lestat and Gary Oldman’s take on Dracula.
In a way, one might argue that Nicolaou’s film is something of a swan song for the classic vampire story, as Bloodlust combines all of the traditional elements we tend to associate with these tales into a single tragic yarn that ties a neat little bow on Radu’s story as well as the old-fashioned monster movies that he represents. The finale remains shocking despite the fact that this is the third time we see Radu get brutally killed onscreen, with the brief tease that he may one day return feeling more like a nod towards the nature of evil rather than sequel bait.
The film dabbles a bit in gothic romance and even explores the inherent power fantasy behind transforming into an immortal creature of the night, but the filmmakers never lose sight of Radu as a demonic force even when he’s willing to betray his beloved Mummy for Michelle’s sake. In fact, his twisted “love” for his fledgling makes him even creepier as we get the feeling that his passion comes from a dark and disturbing place.
Anders Hove is at his absolute best in this film, with the effects department boosting his moments of what the younger generation would call “aura farming” whenever Radu emerges from shadows like a 90s version of Count Orlok. There are even a couple of surprisingly effective jump-scares here, which is why I’d argue that Bloodlust cements Radu as one of the most memorable cinematic vampires of all time despite his humble origins.
Subspecies Saves Its Best For Last
Nicolaou and Vlad Panescu also saved the best for “last” (more on that in a bit) regarding the film’s visuals, with the cinematography and overall atmosphere of Bloodlust absolutely surpassing what we saw in the previous films. Everything feels appropriately climactic this time around (including the wonderful soundtrack that was co-composed alongside an authentic Romanian orchestra), and I appreciate how this is the fastest-paced entry in the trilogy since the film doesn’t need to waste time setting anything up.
Bloodlust still suffers from some of the same low-budget blemishes as its predecessors, but there’s so much creative passion here that no amount of wonky effects work or stilted dialogue can get in the way of appreciating the flick’s gothic grandeur. That’s why it’s not surprising that the movie’s definitive(-ish) ending would later be retconned as fans begged for more Radu.
Of course, the next entry in this series would be a different kind of vampiric endeavor altogether, with the filmmakers attempting to engage with the same trends that ultimately killed Radu and his antiquated kin. That, however, is a story for another time. For now, I’ll merely insist that Bloodlust: Subspecies III remains a highlight of Full Moon’s expansive catalogue and is definitely worth seeking out today.
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