Because sometimes, a little machete justice is well deserved.
October this year not only brings with it the Halloween holiday we ache for 364 days out of the year, but a bonus Friday the 13th as well; it doesn’t get any better than that folks. And while Michael Myers eats up most of the glory this month, the Shape takes a breather for a day as our special, special boy Jason takes the reigns as we focus on one-third of the unholy trinity (Freddy, Jason, and Michael) on his day of reckoning. Also, let’s talk science here- some of that violent reckoning felt great to those who really had it coming.
Yes, like most horror films, you have a hero, best buddy, comic relief, and of course, a serious douchebag. Classic standards that make up the cast for a horror movie, right? And the beloved Friday the 13th franchise had more than its fair share of scum sharing the screen with Camp Crystal Lake’s most notorious mama’s boy, who when met face-to-face with the machete of justice, we cheered as if our hometown sports team won the state championship.
In celebration of one of our favorite ongoing (hopefully) series of slasher films and the second greatest day of the year, instead of weeping for the innocents’ fate at the hands (or power tool) of Jason, we rejoice in the much-welcomed departure of 13 of Crystal Lake’s biggest assholes.
13. Shelly Finkelstein
Some people love the character of Shelly, while some find him insufferable. I almost feel like a prick for putting him on this list, however, when I hear him speak after a recent rewatch, I don’t feel as bad for including the “Franklin” of the F13 franchise. His ongoing bad pranks of “the boy who cried wolf”, ended abruptly and ever so adequately with a slash to the throat rendering him unable to speak- thank fucks…
12. Axle Burns
Axle had a bit part in The Final Chapter, but the little time he spent on screen, made us hate this dirty creep enough to crack a smile when Jason served him his just desserts with a throat slash and bonus head twist. Sorry Axle, weirdo-sexy-booty-rump time is over. Jackass.
11. Tamara Mason
The mean girl award of 1989 definitely goes to Tamara Mason. This manipulative chick who also peer pressures her friend into using drugs, attempts to use her looks and sexuality to advance in life, giving zero fucks who gets hurt in the process. Ironically enough, Jason kills her with pieces of a broken mirror in her bathroom. Poetic justice? Absolutely.
10. Ethel Hubbard
Ethel Hubbard, the foul-mouthed redneck down the road brings the sanctity of bitchdom to a whole other level of crazy in The New Beginning. While her oddball mama’s boy of a son could rival Jason’s own admiration for his mother, he couldn’t even hold a candle to this broad. She acted as if the kids in the group home shit in her cheerios on a daily basis, and if ole Roy hadn’t killed the teens, she probably would have eventually. Also, I was pretty relieved once her shrilling voice fell silent in her soup slop.
9. Trent Sutton
Man, Trent was such a narcissistic douchebag. He’s like the popular guy in high school who got off on making people who he deemed beneath him lives so goddamn miserable, and you wanted to see the shithead trip and fall flat on his face, breaking his nose so badly. He’s a controlling boyfriend and a cheating scum. Jenna deserved way better- and Trent deserved that trip down Crystal Lake Justice Lane.
8. Melissa Paur
Snobby Melissa from The New Blood may have been a match made in Heaven for ole Trent before her on this list. How the people that had to be in close proximity of this character didn’t knock her teeth out, is beyond my comprehension. Manipulative and sneaky, this bitch tried to play all her cards to get her way; and that way resulted in an ax to her forehead. A glorious end to miss pink and pearls if you’re asking me.
7. Robert Campbell
This sleazy journalist from Jason Goes to Hell gives us all a bad name. Hijacking the body of his girlfriend’s mother for the purposes of fame and job advancement is pretty damn despicable. The guy never passed Ethics 101 I’m guessing. Campbell being possessed by Jason makes him just over the top cringe-worthy, if that were even possible, yet here we are. And his place, along with his body resulting in a puddle of melted goo per the Jason possession, is well deserved indeed.
6. Ali, Fox, and Loco
Three of the most memorable characters from the third Friday installment, wouldn’t have deserved their fate had they just left shit alone. But turning the other tattooed cheek has no place in the Crystal Lake universe! They roughed up Shelly, which was kind of refreshing, but they crossed the line when trying to burn down the barn that could have resulted in seriously hurting innocent people. Eh, they had it coming.
5. Charles McCulloch
Jason taking out the trash in Manhattan indeed! Ok, Canada but let’s pretend that wasn’t a thing. The abusive, cold-hearted uncle of the sweet Rennie almost let his niece who he retains guardianship over, drown as a young child; resulting in a crippling anxiety of the water Rennie carried into her young adulthood. Jason planting Charles headfirst into what looks like a toxic waste barrel from a TMNT cartoon, seemed like a suitable ending for this piece of shit.
4. Dr. Crews
Crews, the physiatrist of telekinetic Tina Shepherd is a flat out first-rate asshole. It’s pretty easy to hate the guy, as similar to Jason Goes to Hell douche Robert Campbell, uses others to gain notoriety; and he’s not even slick about it. Crews lures Tina and her mother to Crystal Lake for some special therapy, but he’s only trying to exploit the poor, damaged girl. Plus, he gets Tina’s mother killed due to his recklessness. Can’t say I didn’t chuckle when he got mowed down with a hand-held motor saw.
3. Junkie Criminals
I really don’t think I need to make too much of an argument here on these two pieces of sexual assaulting, junkie pieces of shit. The pair of junkie alleyway thugs that abducted Rennie, stuck a needle in her, and attempting to have their way with her, deserved much more than a needle through their back and a face smash into a pipe. However, Jason, albeit unintentionally, saves the day again by ridding the world of serious trash.
2. Raver Rapist
As if his clothing choices weren’t reason enough to kill this little shit, the raving rapist pretty much ties places here with the junkie thugs from Manhattan. The only difference here is the cowardly approach sneaking up on a girl while she’s indisposed. Although poor Gibb suffered in the crossfire between Voorhees and the raver predator, we can only look at it as taking one for the team for the greater good of humanity.
1. Roy Burns
Picking up right where Jason left off, paramedic Roy Burns loses his shit when he sees his son has been murdered quite violently by one of the troubled kids at the group home cabin. He snaps, grabs a hockey mask, and poses as Voorhees killing off anyone connected to his son, no matter how minor. So yeah, not only did he deserve his fate because of his wild killing spree, but where exactly the fuck was he when his son needed him? Allowing this poor kid to jump from foster home to foster home, never having stability? All of a sudden this dude wants to give a shit? Pfft, what a terrible deadbeat dad.
As I leave you here with one of the greatest musical contributions to horror movie history by the fabulous Metropolis, let’s talk below about Jason taking on the heroic role in the Friday films by ridding the planet of complete wastes of oxygen. Who do you think was the worst of the worst?
