Editorials
The 15 Scariest Moments From “Twin Peaks: The Return”
Twin Peaks saw a triumphant, challenging return in 2017. Here are the 15 scariest moments from The Return
One of the most exciting television events of 2017 was the triumphant, unexpected return of David Lynch’s seminal series, Twin Peaks. Sometimes it still feels like a crazy dream that this 18-hour dive into madness even happened. It’s safe to say that Lynch’s revival of his classic ‘90s series defied expectations and confounded viewers, just like it did 25 years ago. There are a lot of things to love about Twin Peaks: The Return, but this is Bloody Disgusting; we’re all about that horror! Accordingly, here are the most terrifying moments from the return of Twin Peaks and the biggest opportunities where David Lynch gets to prove of just how much of a madman he is!
15. Mr. C’s Arm Wrestling
Something as mundane and silly as arm wrestling usually doesn’t result in anything too memorable. This is, of course, Twin Peaks’ twisted take on arm wrestling though, so of course it’s appropriately bonkers and off-kilter. Granted, Mr. C’s arm wrestling domination of a biker gang isn’t exactly scary per se (although it is deeply awesome), but that’s what it’s at the bottom of the list. Even if the sequence doesn’t shift into genuine fear, there’s still an uncomfortable energy that fuels it. It’s never clear exactly where things are about to go and it does feel like at any moment the arm wrestling might end and everyone erupts in something more dangerous. This happens in Twin Peaks’ penultimate episode. It’s a set piece that shouldn’t work—and it wouldn’t in anything else—but Lynch’s unusual sensibilities give this sequence bite.
14. “You Were Manufactured…” – Gold Sphere and Black Smoke
Perhaps the most iconic new visuals from Twin Peaks: The Return were the gold balls and the effects that were used when the Black Lodge needs to suck souls or disassemble bodies. The unusual style and quality of these effects is what gives them so much charm and why they so strongly stand out. It feels like Lynch employs retro sensibilities to bring these unusual occurrences to life. They are truly visuals that you can only see in Twin Peaks though, so naturally they need to be a little sinister.
13. Ike the Spike Tries to Assassinate Dougie
The fear in this scene comes from the fact that a seasoned assassination is after Dougie, who up until this point illustrates that he has a very tenuous comprehension of the world around him. It seems implausible that Dougie will be able to protect himself here. That anxiety beautifully mixes with the danger that Ike the Spike brings and it’s an explosive moment. Furthermore, some helpful Lodge entities stop by to assist Dougie, which add a healthy what the fuck factor to all of this as well.
12. 25 Years Later, Laura Gets Ripped Away
This is a rather minor moment that gets lost in all of the other chaos that “Parts 1 and 2” of The Return bring to the table. In a delicious serving of fan service, Lynch decides to re-create and extend Cooper’s famous scene in the Black Lodge, with Laura. The beats from the scene are the same as they were from 25 years ago, only this time it ends in an alarming fashion. Laura appears to painfully get ripped away into the sky and disappears. It’s one of the first visuals that gets Cooper on his mission in The Return as well as an early indicator for how this will be a darker juxtaposition of its former self.
11. Bill Hastings’ Death
Bill Hastings is certainly one of the more tragic new figures to show up in The Return. The show really puts him through the wringer, which sadly ends with his messy demise. All that Hastings wants is love in his life, but the fact that he discovers the existence of other realities ultimately puts him in jeopardy. Hastings isn’t a villain, he just gets caught up in something that’s much bigger than him. He doesn’t even know what’s going on, which makes all of his pain even more devastating. If Bill’s death doesn’t freak you out, then that Woodsman with the float-away head in his jail cell definitely will!
10. The Final Glimpse of Audrey Horne
Audrey’s role in Twin Peaks: The Return is still one of the most controversial topics between fans. Sherilyn Fenn’s Audrey was one of the most beloved characters from the original series and her inclusion in The Return is not only minimal, but also confusing and belittling to the character. While there are many theories in response to what exactly is going on with Audrey and whether she’s still in a coma, trapped in the Black Lodge, or something else, it seems that most agree that something about her world is off. The final scene that the series provides of Audrey is a trippy dive into the character’s mind that ends on a note that only raises more questions. It doesn’t seem like Audrey has a happy ending though and that in itself is deeply tragic and frightening.
9. Charlene Yi Screams at the Roadhouse
This is yet another moment that doesn’t serve a larger significance, but it just works so well tonally. The Return has a lot of fun with how it uses the Roadhouse as a venue for moody music and performances, but it also takes on this weird nightmare quality. There’s one scene where Charlene Yi—whose character doesn’t even get a name—just crawls around, freaks out, and screams while at the bar. It might not make a whole lot of sense, but it sends an overwhelming message to the viewer and is the perfect way to show that something is wrong in Twin Peaks. Don’t try to decipher this, just let it take you over.
8. Bobby Briggs and Zombie Vomit
Twin Peaks can be frightening for a number of reasons, but sometimes certain sequences connect because they just make the audience feel uncomfortable. This scene in particular isn’t important to the larger story and doesn’t get called back to either. It’s just an upsetting, weird moment from a busy night in the life of Bobby Briggs. It’s purpose is not to make sense, but rather to make the audience feel overwhelmed. It certainly succeeds and is all sorts of gross, too.
7. “Mother is Coming” and the Plight of Naido
During Dale Cooper’s bizarre odyssey from the Black Lodge back to the real world, he makes some unusual detours in “holding centers,” so to speak. One of these visits takes Cooper to the Mauve Zone, which isn’t unlike an isolated prison. While in this place, a frantic woman with no eyes named Naido tries to get Cooper’s help and constantly spreads the message that “Mother is coming.” It’s a strong, disorienting sequence where Cooper is made to feel even more useless and insignificant. Naido comes back to the show in a big way, but until she gets demystified she’s such an off-putting, alarming creation.
6. “What Year Is It?”
The original ending to Twin Peaks was something that fueled decades of conversation and debate and it looks like the conclusion of The Return won’t be very different. Lynch embraces many of the themes and ideas that have guided his filmography, such as fugue states, waking dreams, and doubles. This leads The Return to a Moebius strip of an ending where reality is played with and put in a blender. Both the characters and the audience get the feeling that something is off, but just can’t put their fingers on what. Then “Cooper” asks “What year is it?”, “Laura” screams, and everything goes to hell. How’s that for an ending?
5. The Woodsman’s Rampage
The brilliance of The Return’s “Part 8” is almost too much to take in. It’s an hour of television that truly deserves to be in a museum. While this installment is full of plenty of high art, there’s also some genuinely terrifying sequences, too. A lot of this episode’s fear comes from the “Woodsman.” He’s a Black Lodge entity that puts a lot of chaos into motion and takes a lot of lives in the process. What’s even worse is that his brain crunch murder style also appears to be a mind meld of sorts where he’s maybe also absorbing information from his victims? Either way, it’s painful. Never before have the words “Gotta light?” been so loaded.
4. Richard’s Hit and Run
Some of the most powerful moments from out of Twin Peaks are when the series bombards the viewer with emotions. It’s one thing to frighten the audience, but to simultaneously make them sad or elated leads to an even more satisfying payoff. Richard Horne is a trainwreck that causes many disasters throughout The Return, but the worst of his offenses is when he carelessly runs over a young boy. Everything about this scene connects, whether it’s Richard’s reaction, the mother of the boy’s reaction, or Carl Rodd’s reaction, who witnesses the boy soul go off to another realm. It’s an assault and a lot to take in, but boy does it resonate.
3. Sarah Palmer “Defends Herself”
Sarah Palmer is one of the bigger question marks of Twin Peaks: The Return, but moments like this certainly seem to imply that some Black Lodge spirit has escaped and is using her body as its new home. One disturbing scene sees a local aggressively come onto Sarah while she drinks at a bar. Sarah proceeds to take her face off and reveal the demon underneath while she goads on, “Do you really want to fuck with this?” Then she kills the guy. It’s a surprising, brutal moment and what makes it even more effective is that Sarah seems to plead for the guy to leave her alone because she knows what his fate is going to otherwise be.
2. “Mother’s” Attack
The premiere of Twin Peaks: The Return was met with such anticipation and no one really knew what to expect. The first two episodes would be what help set the tone for this return and audiences soon learned that this was a darker and different Twin Peaks. One of the most memorable moments from the premiere involves two spectators who are watching an empty box. A mysterious millionaire has decked the place out with surveillance to make sure that if something shows up in the box that it definitely won’t be missed. When these two voyeurs begin to have sex, not only does something appear in that box, it proceeds to violently murderize these individuals. Twin Peaks holds its tongue for a long time on what exactly goes down here with “Mother,” which almost makes this violent entity all the more frightening in the end.
1. “Open Wide”
The eighth installment of Twin Peaks: The Return is one of the best things that David Lynch has ever made. It’s a slow, uneasy, experimental look at the “birth” of evil. It attempts to shine a light on the larger, primordial forces that hide in the shadows of Twin Peaks and the finished product is kind of staggering. “Part 8” presents a lot of unforgettable images, but the final moments are some of the most memorable—and disturbing—of the entire series. An innocent girl (who may or may not be Sarah Palmer) sleeps with her mouth open and a terrifying frog-like insect progressively crawls into her mouth, down her throat, and makes this girl its new host. It’s pure nightmare fuel and it speaks to that deep-seated fear of not knowing what goes on when you’re asleep. The girl doesn’t realize that she’s now playing host to this monster. Maybe this very thing has happened to you…
Twin Peaks is such a rich universe that experiences no shortage of terrifying moments. These are the bits that freaked us out, but what are the scenes that made you say, “Wow, Bob, Wow!” Sound off in the comments below.
Editorials
Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ Still Towers Over a 2009 Remake That Maybe Should’ve Stayed Unborn
When I write about remakes, I often bring up the word “justification.” What’s the impetus for the remake’s existence? Reinventing icons for a new generation, or benefiting from a few decades’ worth of special effects advancements? Often, there’s a reason that you can acknowledge and say, “Alright, I see what you’re going for.” That holds in Josef Rusnak’s It’s Alive, which tries to reinvent Larry Cohen’s mutant baby B-movie of the same name in what I consider the worst possible way.
I didn’t say it had to be a GOOD reason.
I’ll start with Cohen’s own reaction to Rusnak’s 2009 update: “It’s a terrible picture. It’s just beyond awful … I would advise anybody who likes my film to cross the street and avoid seeing the new enchilada.” A blunt take, but I agree. Rusnak justifies his remake by diverting drastically from Cohen’s exploitation-y flick about a newborn monster killinPreview (opens in a new tab)g Los Angeles residents, but it’s such a bafflingly weak reimagining. Cohen remains faithful to tenets of creature features while tugging at our hearts with commentaries about parents caught between morality and adoration, whereas Rusnak asks, “What if we punished a mother for trying to have an abortion?”
As Cohen says, cross the damn street.
The Approach
It’s Alive (2009) is one of those women-focused horror projects that make you scoff, derogatorily, “This was written and directed by dudes, wasn’t it?” Cohen’s original screenplay isn’t airtight, yet it does well to respect Sharon Farrell‘s “shaken mother of a monster,” Lenore Davis. Paul Sopocy and James Portolese, on the other hand, pen a screenplay that reductively focuses on Lenore protecting her bitey offspring, with a bent-out-of-shape abortion subplot thrown in. That’s not to say Cohen’s Lenore doesn’t display the same protective maternal instincts, but Rusnak plays in a sandbox of lame-duck tropes, dooming Lenore for the supposed sin of a mother’s love.
Teenage party-girl turned actress Bijou Phillips stars as Lenore Harker, a New Mexico college student who quits to live with her architect boyfriend, Frank (James Murray), and raise their incoming baby. She’s ditching pizza nights and girl talk with bestie Marnie (Ty Glaser), moving into the Albuquerque woods, where Frank has a secluded homestead with brother Chris (Raphaël Coleman), who is wheelchair dependent. Lenore goes in for a pregnancy checkup, where she learns her unborn child has doubled in size, requiring a cesarean section birth. So the surgical team opens her up and extracts “Daniel,” only to be murdered by the newborn, found resting on Lenore’s stomach, taking a post-slaughter rest.
The immediate deviation is how Daniel is found nuzzling Lenore in the hospital, and doesn’t look “freakish” at first glance. Daniel comes home with Lenore and Frank, setting up the happy lil’ family dynamic. It’s no longer a conspiratorial hunt-and-hide scenario; the “home sweet hell” take on Cohen’s original. Which, frustratingly, dissolves the core suspense that Cohen achieves. For Daniel to kill, victims have to come knocking on Lenore’s door, which becomes a repetitive cycle of visitors and hidden bodies that remove any excitement and surprises.
Does It Work?
Rusnak earns points for trying something new. Remakes have historically been less willing to put unique spins on existing stories (see: Cabin Fever). But there’s also a question of retaining the essence of the source material. Why remake a movie if you’re going to spin so far from the original that you don’t even need to use the title? It’s the Child’s Play of it all. If you wanted to make a killer AI toy movie, why use the Child’s Play legacy to do so (outside of market familiarity)?
It’s Alive doesn’t fully abandon Cohen’s ideas, but it does feel thinner than expected. There have been plenty of killer baby movies since It’s Alive—Cohen hardly has the concept trademarked. What’s fun about Cohen’s It’s Alive is how Frank chases his mutant kin around Los Angeles, eventually into the sewer system, culminating in the Los Angeles (drained) river. Rusnak directs what’s essentially a one-location thriller that minimizes the scope to meet not only its lower budget, but lesser ambitions. Where Cohen pushes farther, Rusnak pulls back, losing the idiosyncratic quirks of Cohen’s superior It’s Alive.
There’s nothing wrong with a good chamber piece, but the psychological torments Sopocy and Portolese opt for are soft as fresh-out-the-bag marshmallows. So much of the film hinges on Lenore’s cover-up tactics when she realizes her wee one is a maneater, which becomes one-note in the process. Frank wanders around, ignoring red flags, and Chris is removed from the picture for a small bit to keep the massacre going. In both films, Lenore has trouble turning against her child—but Cohen is much more thoughtful about Lenore’s state through it all. Rusnak’s direction is short-sighted, rudimentary, and flat, as it has nothing interesting to say about the fears of parenthood that drive Phillips’ Lenore to nurture the vengeful child she once wanted to terminate.
The Result
In It’s Alive (1974), Cohen makes a point of referencing Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, as John P. Ryan’s Frank recalls having the epiphany that Dr. Frankenstein is the villain, not his creation. It’s what drives Cohen’s screenplay, as we learn how the doctors tried to kill the original baby, since its deformities made it look like a melon-headed, fang-toothed freakshow. There’s none of that in Rusnak’s remake, which diminishes the creature’s origins and motives to anger. It’s an uninteresting modification because the point of Cohen’s picture is to question what makes a monster, and how its creators process their hand in the chaos. Rusnak’s not interested in such explorations, except when the screenplay shoehorns what foolishly appears as an anti-abortion undertone when we learn about Lenore’s sketchy internet baby-be-gone pills.
Even worse, the technical merits of Rusnak’s It’s Alive are unfortunate. Credit to the original’s cast, because Ryan and Farrell bring dramatic acting chops that accentuate their film’s tragedy; a legitimate heartbreaker. None of Rusnak’s cast are hitting on such a high caliber of talent, especially since there’s nothing meaty about Sopocy and Portolese’s character designs. It’s very Horror 101: ignore the obvious, act gobsmacked when the obvious happens, and bring it home. Phillips has been better in films like Bully and Hostel: Part II (maybe even The Wizard of Gore), while Murray is your average 2000s straight-to-video throwaway boyfriend. The rest of the supporting cast, sadly, barely even register.
There’s a charm to Cohen’s monster SFX, whipped up by Rick Baker—but also an opportunity. Cohen decided to use this three-mirror-blur vision, seeing through the baby’s eyes to show the beast as little as possible. If Rusnak wanted to make a stronger impact, he could have gone all-in on Daniel’s appearance to say, “Hey, at least we developed a rad creature!” But, alas, Rusnak might show even less of Daniel. When he does appear in the basement, or leap out of a trash can in the film’s climactic finale, it’s CG augmentation that distorts a puppet reportedly crafted by SFX superstar Tony Gardner. Cohen accomplishes infinitely more by putting his then-girlfriend Elaine Parkyn in a full-head monster mask, a pair of pointed gloves, and a partial body suit that benefit from optical tricks—because practical always wins.
The Lesson
It’s not hard to wonder why Millennium Films lost faith in Rusnak’s It’s Alive and opted for no theatrical release. In a time when horror remakes were all the rage, Millennium buried It’s Alive so deep that it’s not even watchable or rentable on streaming (ain’t even worth Tubi). No hyperbole, this remake stinks with the stinkiest of ’em. It’s slight on innovation, filled with awful genre generics, and is a slap in the face to what Cohen accomplished. There’s something so fresh about a killer baby flick that focuses on the suit-and-tie-wearing father, who is forced to challenge the stern, macho gender roles of the 70s, and something so disappointing about a 2000s horror movie that falls right back into outdated mindsets.
So what did we learn?
- Yes, for the hundredth time, some of those 2000s horror remakes are as bad as the haters made them all out to be.
- Ex-David Lee Roth, Ozzy Osbourne, and Alice Cooper bassist Todd Jensen plays Lenore’s doctor for some reason (which I wouldn’t have known without the internet).
- You can appreciate a remake for trying something different, but you can also detest a remake for how poorly it does something different.
- Why does Daniel look like a baby shark (doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo)?
Watching both It’s Alive flicks back-to-back gave me whiplash. When John P. Ryan (as Frank) confronts his cowering, terrified child-monster in the bowels of Los Angeles, I nearly shed a tear. That whole scene really, as Ryan realizes he’s become the Dr. Frankenstein of sorts, and his miserable, deformed boy craves his father’s affection in a time of need. Then you have Rusnak’s film, which brutally kills the pro-abortion character, insinuates Lenore is being punished for trying to abort Daniel early in the pregnancy, and deserves to die with her demon spawn engulfed by the worst CG flames this side of Birdemic: Shock and Terror. I just … kudos to Cohen for richly developing a sci-fi curio with a tremendous sense of emotional understanding, and nothing but thumbs down for Rusnak’s remake, which comes off as plenty boneheaded and hella halfhearted in the process.
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