Editorials
The 13 Scariest Movie Witches!
Between the news of a remake of Roald Dahl’s The Witches, Ryan Murphy’s Coven crossover for the next season of American Horror Story, the upcoming Suspiria remake, and Netflix’s forthcoming Chilling Adventures of Sabrina series, 2018 is shaping up to be the Year of the Witch. It’s about time, too. While trends of vampires, zombies, and ghosts have all hogged the spotlight at one time or another, witches tend to exist more in the peripheral of horror. Considering the concept of witchcraft has spanned all recorded history, existing in all manner of cultures and religions, there’s a wide area of potential still waiting to be mined. Even still, there are many memorable movie witches that have etched themselves in collective memory. These 13 are the scariest witches of them all.
Grand High Witch – The Witches
The remake has very tall shoes to fill from this 1990 adaptation. Played by Anjelica Huston, the film version of the Grand High Witch was far more fierce and fearsome than the version in Dahl’s source novel. A child-murderer with genocidal ambitions, the Grand High Witch is a powerful psychopath. Her penchant to kill at whim makes everyone around her cower in fear, and yet it gets worse with the reveal of her true appearance. Monstrous inside and out, the Grand High Witch remains pure nightmare fuel for children and adults alike.
Asa Vajda – Black Sunday
A 17th-century witch in the service of Satan, her own brother condemned her to a brutal death. Of course, she cursed his family line for it. Revived two centuries later by blood, Asa wastes no time enacting vengeance. Continuing to feast on blood for sustenance, she murders Vajda family members while setting her sights on descendent Katia with the intention of stealing her youth. Played by Barbara Steele, Asa’s ruthless affinity for Satanism was very daring for its time upon release in 1960.
Witches – Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages
A silent documentary with fictional reenactments of witchcraft was controversial upon release in 1922 for its depiction of gore, nudity, and Satan loving witchcraft. It was an exploration of superstition of religion, delving into what created the persecution of “witches,” but director Benjamin Christensen took his time to get to the point with long, fictional sequences featuring demons, spooky rituals, and Satan himself.
Mombi – Return to Oz
For a children’s film, this one is extremely dark. Opening with Dorothy’s return home, her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry decide to bring her in for electric shock therapy. Dorothy escapes and makes her way back to Oz, which has become a very different place. The Cowardly Lion and Tin Woodman are now turned to stone, and creepy Wheelers roam free. All of this alone would be nightmare inducing for anyone, but then they introduce Princess Mombi. Mombi is an evil woman with a large collection of heads. Yes, heads. When Mombi wants to update her look, she just goes to her closet and swaps out her head with another from her collection. Dorothy’s encounter with Mombi’s head collection earns Mombi an instant ranking for scariest witch.
Meg Mucklebones – Legend
This swamp witch had a brief but memorable turn in Ridley Scott’s 1985 dark fantasy film; no small feat considering what an iconic villain Tim Curry was as the Lord of Darkness. Plucky hero Jack (Tom Cruise) encounters this witch in the middle of a swamp during his quest to save his love. Despite her horrendous appearance Jack distracts her with flattery. Who ever said flattery doesn’t get you anywhere hasn’t met Meg. This unforgettable and terrifying swamp witch was played by Robert Picardo (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Stargate Atlantis).
The Blair Witch – The Blair Witch Project
Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez reminded audiences what could happen if audiences are kept in the dark about its villain. After delivering exposition on the legends surrounding the witch that inhabits the woods of Burkittsville, Maryland, before letting loose a trio of would-be filmmakers into her domain, the Blair Witch manages to petrify based on atmosphere and dread alone. She never even dares to make an appearance! As the trio continues to run into signs that she’s lurking nearby, before disappearing one by one, the viewer’s imagination is left to fill in the blanks. It works like a charm.
Helena Markos – Suspiria
For most of Suspiria’s run time, Helena Markos exists only as a looming shadow over the dance academy. Her presence is concealed by her coven, with Madame Blanc acting as head of the academy. By the time Suzy Bannion discovers her hidden chambers the Mother of Sighs is in a weakened state, making it much easier for Suzy to defeat the once super powerful witch. Even still, it doesn’t dampen her ability to petrify. Especially when Suzy’s schoolmates around her suffer horrible deaths at the hands of Helena’s coven.
Haggis – Pumpkinhead
Also known as the Old Witch of the Woods, Haggis is more terrifying than the vengeance demon Pumpkinhead. When a tragic accident claims the life of Ed Harley’s young son, he seeks out Haggis in the hope that she can revive him. Instead, she presented Ed with the opportunity for revenge, conducting a ritual for the demon’s summoning, while wickedly withholding just how costly Ed’s quest for justice would become. Haggis teaches a valuable lesson in reading the fine print before buying. More importantly, never make a deal with a witch.
The Castevets – Rosemary’s Baby
Witches are typically presented as monstrous women who long ago sold their services and soul to Satan; their appearances gnarly, wizened, and grotesque. Enter Minnie and Roman Castevet, the nosy but nice next-door neighbors to Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse. As affluent as they are social, with well-tailored clothes in fashionable prints and styles, they’re representative of upper-class New York. In other words, no one would suspect them of witchcraft. Their cheerful demeanor as they use Rosemary to usher in the son of Satan is alarming, but not as alarming as the fact that their ability to blend with society deconstructs the very idea of what a witch should look like.
Bathsheba Sherman – The Conjuring
In life, she was an evil woman caught red-handed trying to sacrifice her own week-old baby to the Devil. She then promptly cursed the land and hung herself. In death, Bathsheba continued her quest by possessing the mother of any that moved into her house and using them to kill their own children. If that wasn’t grisly enough, the spirits of Bathsheba’s victims are forced to remain in the house with her.
Margaret Morgan – The Lords of Salem
While there are a few witches in Rob Zombie’s film that could qualify as scary, none hold a candle to coven leader Margaret Morgan (Meg Foster). These Satanic worshipping witches are not to be trifled with. Even the small glimpses of her that haunts Heidi’s visions is enough to warrant “scariest witch” status, but the reveal that Heidi’s fate was never in her control thanks to Margaret’s curse is both tragic and horrifying. Margaret cares not for bathing, hygiene, or really anything other than ensuring she gets a vessel by which the devil’s child will inherit the earth.
The Witch in the woods – The Witch
While Robert Eggers’ film may have been more about the deterioration of an exiled New England family, the witch residing in the nearby woods was the stuff of nightmares. When baby Samuel is snatched very early in the film, we see the witch grinding up his body and rubbing his entrails all over his body. It’s chilling. When Caleb gets lost in the woods later, her seduction of him turns from skin-crawling dread to unsettling fear, especially when we see the aftermath. If this is what it means to live deliciously, I think I’ll take a hard pass.
The Autopsy of Jane Doe
If you have yet to see this supernatural spookfest, you should correct that right now. I’ll wait. I’m about to head into major spoiler territory, so this is your last warning. The claustrophobic plot follows father and son coroner duo Tommy and Austin Tilden as they work through the mysterious cause of death of a Jane Doe brought in by the local sheriff. The further they go in their autopsy; the weirder things get in their morgue. The more Jane Doe’s body reveals weird trauma within, the more supernatural forces try to thwart the Tildens. Major Spoiler: the Tilden’s finally realize Jane Doe isn’t dead at all. A victim of the Salem witch trials and subjected to multiple horrific rituals, the Salem authorities created the very thing they were trying to destroy. Jane Doe is a living witch enacting revenge to any that crosses her path, even centuries later.
Editorials
Before ‘The Blair Witch Project’, ‘Alien Autopsy’ Showed How Real Found Footage Could Feel
The line separating artist from con man is a lot thinner than you might initially believe. While I think we can all agree that lying for the sake of profit is actively malicious behavior, isn’t it also true that the faux documentary aspect of The Blair Witch Project is half the reason why that film became such a cultural phenomenon? After all, if there’s one thing filmmakers have in common with stage magicians, it’s that misleading and misdirecting audiences is simply part of the job.
That’s why I’ve developed a habit of mostly ignoring the moral quandaries behind many of film and television’s biggest “hoaxes” in favor of appreciating the narrative elements that drive productions like Mermaids: The Body Found and even Animal Planet’s highly underrated The Cannibal in the Jungle. However, if there’s a definitive case of a highly publicized broadcast fooling the world into taking it seriously, it has to be Fox’s infamous 1995 TV special Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction.
It’s been over three decades since that eerie footage first haunted television screens right at the peak of the ’90s ufology craze, and in that time, the video has taken on a life of its own. From countless parodies and references in everything from The X-Files to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater (as well as John Dower’s recently released tell-all documentary The Alien Autopsy Scandal, which I’d highly recommend to genre fans everywhere), there’s no denying the legacy of the Alien Autopsy video. However, I rarely see the tape discussed as what it truly is: a highly convincing found footage film directed by a passionate stage magician and brought to life by masterful practical effects work.
That’s why I’d like to invite readers to join me on a deep dive into one of the most infamous broadcasts of all time in an attempt to reevaluate the footage as a fascinating narrative experience rather than a complete hoax.
The TV Special That Convinced Millions It Was Real
Ray Santilli next to Extraterrestrial replica in ‘The Alien Autopsy Scandal’
For starters, regardless of whether or not you believe that there was in fact an extraterrestrial crash in Roswell during the summer of 1947 and that some form of autopsy was performed on the victims, the producers behind the black & white recordings, Ray Santilli and Gary Shoefield, insist that their video was a “restoration.” Though I’d argue that the proper word is “remake”of genuine footage that was too damaged to air on television. That’s why the duo went on to recruit filmmaker and eccentric magician Spyros Melaris and sculptor/monster designer John Humphreys to bring their version of the autopsy to life and sell it to the highest bidder.
This is where the story of the Alien Autopsy as a narrative experience really begins. Melaris claims that his approach to the faux recording consisted of striving for extreme period accuracy in both shooting equipment and setting while also planting subtle details that would initially seem like mistakes but could later be revealed to actually fit the time period. That being said, the filmmaker was under the impression that the short would be released for free as a PR stunt, with the team later producing and selling an informative documentary chronicling exactly how the footage was faked and commenting on how easy it is to manipulate public perception with a good old-fashioned magic trick.
This obviously isn’t how things went down, and that’s likely the reason why Melaris has since distanced himself from everyone else involved with the project. Yet, no amount of behind-the-scenes drama can undermine the genuine effort that went into making the short as impressive as it is. From the sourcing of real animal organs from a local butcher to make the organic part of the creature more lifelike to the highly detailed sculpt that made use of a hollowed-out underlayer that could be filled with fake blood and assorted viscera, there’s a reason why so many Hollywood specialists are still impressed with the artistry on display here.
Of course, the believability is only half the story, as I think that the best part of the autopsy is how Melaris builds on the existing tension by obscuring certain details and often embracing the chaos of what a real examination of extraterrestrial life could feel like. The camera often goes out of focus at just the right time to make certain effects hit even harder, and we can only speculate as to what the hazmat-suited doctors are gesticulating about during the operation. There’s a real air of mystery to the whole thing that almost makes it feel like a cosmically terrifying, cursed film containing forbidden knowledge that civilians were never meant to see.
So when Fox’s Fact or Fiction brings in the specialists to comment on the film and its otherworldly subject, it’s no surprise that we end up with one of the most memorable mockumentaries of all time – albeit one where the participants are unaware that the footage they’re commenting on is basically a large-scale practical joke. A joke that the network was obviously in on, as many participants claim that the TV special cut out significant portions where guests point out that they believe the footage to be an elaborate hoax.
The Lasting Impact of the Hoax Turned Cultural Event
Regardless, I remember going to bed terrified after watching reruns of the special and thinking about the respected pathologist who claimed that the body was almost certainly inhuman, with even effects maestro Stan Winston commenting on how difficult it would be to recreate some of these visuals through practical puppetry. That’s not even mentioning Jonathan Frakes’ dramatic hyping up of the disturbing imagery as if he was talking about the tape from The Ring, with his spooky demeanor here likely being responsible for his later role as the host of Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction a few years later.
Personally, I’d argue that the Alien Autopsy phenomenon had just as much of an impact on me as a horror fan as The Blair Witch Project, a film that was almost certainly influenced by the success of this immensely popular hoax (to the point where they even produced their own TV special commenting on Heather’s found footage). Even if Fox didn’t intend to produce a narrative feature about the aftermath of the Roswell crash, the end product still holds up remarkably well as a highly entertaining mockumentary exploring the idea that we may not be alone in the universe.
While neither Santilli nor the rest of the production team has ever commented on this, I also think it’s very likely that the idea of a faux Alien Autopsy could have been influenced by Dean Alioto’s The McPherson Tape/UFO Abduction. I’ve already written about how this granddaddy of found footage was co-opted by rogue ufologists who began selling bootlegs of the tape at conventions as if it were real evidence of a close encounter, so it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine that Santilli and company could have heard about this phenomenon and been inspired to come up with their own highly profitable hoax.
At the end of the day, it’s unlikely that the Alien Autopsy film is recreating any real footage from Roswell, but I can still appreciate the short and the accompanying television event as a standalone horror story that still influences the way we see found footage to this very day.
After all, the possibility that something could be real is often much scarier than finding out for sure – and that’s why I think Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction is still worth revisiting three decades down the line.
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