Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

For the 25th entry of this editorial series (!), we’re looking at the lone Amityville directed solo by a woman: Rebecca Matthews’ Witches of Amityville Academy (2020). Also known as Amityville Witches or Witches of Amityville, this British production is another “Amityville in name only.” That means the characters say the word, but it has no bearing to haunted objects and/or its DeFeo predecessors. In fact, the film is closer in tone and visual aesthetic to a soap opera than the preceding 26 titles.

Screenwriter Tom Joliffe opens the film with not one, but two cold opens. The first features witches being hanged in 1602, while the second jumps ahead to the present day as white magic sisters Sam (Kira Reed Lorsch), Lucy (Donna Spangler), and Elena (Brittan Taylor) pacify a pair of burglars who break into their house.

What’s interesting is that aside from these men and a slightly lecherous ride share driver, the film features only one significant male character: the demonic threat Botis (Toby Wynn-Davies). The rest of the cast is entirely female, which makes sense given the film’s preoccupation with sisterhood and spellcasting.

The plot centers around Jessica (Sarah T. Cohen), a girl without familial connections who receives an impromptu invitation to study “drama and the arts” at Amityville Academy. The school is run by Mrs. Dominique Markham (Amanda-Jade Tyler, vamping it up), a headmistress prone to sacrificing her students in order to accrue more power.

The only people who can oppose Dominique are the trio of Belle sisters. They also studied under teacher Tild Von Erich (Niccola Wright) but the trio use their powers exclusively for protection and healing. When Dominique realizes that Jessica is a powerful untapped witch and tries to kill her, the trio must step in to defend her, teach her their ways and ultimately banish Dominique before she can bring about the end of the world.

That description is more exciting than the actual film, which looks and plays (for better or worse depending on your preference) like a daytime soap. The acting ranges from melodramatic (Tyler) to earnest (Cohen) to a little stiff (Spangler and Taylor) and judging from the limited locations, as well as the lived-in production and low-fi FX, it’s clear the film is a low budget affair.

Still, there’s something endearing about Witches of Amityville Academy. Perhaps it’s the film’s focus on older actresses, the familiar visual iconography of women performing spells together, or the not-so-subtle homages to witchy texts like Suspiria and Charmed, but Amityville Witches wound up being a simple, comforting watch.

Critical viewers will undoubtedly favour the (admittedly better) texts the film is referencing. At the very least those films feature better special effects; Matthews makes only sporadic use of Angel Kunev’s green and violet visual effects for battle sequences. In fact, the majority of the time the actors simply strain and use hand motions to signify they’re using magic, which is often more than a little laughable.

It’s also hard not to wish that the narrative was a little more adventurous. Joliffe’s story is fairly paint by numbers and offers few, if any, surprises. The film also features too many characters, especially when the other students at the Academy are factored in. Aside from teacher’s pet Katherine (Barbara Dabson), none of them are distinguishable from each other. One saving grace, though? While there is very little violence, when blood is shed, such as when poor Sally (Georgina Jane)’s throat is slit, the gore looks okay.

That word could just as easily describe Amityville Witches overall: this is a totally fine, inoffensive film, albeit one that is a little too familiar and even a little boring. If you like seeing women of a certain age hovering over a pot of strange liquid or talking about repressed memories from another life, this is probably your jam.

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

• Best Dialogue 1: When dropping off Jessica on the side of the road at dusk, the ride share driver confirms a quick five-minute walk through the woods will get her to the Academy, adding “You can’t miss it!”
• Best Dialogue 2: During their first meeting, Dominique welcomes Jessica to Amityville Academy with the observation: “You’ve a rather sad existence. Alone. Friendless.”
• Slug Magic: At one point in the film, Dominique attacks Lucy, forcing a slug into her mouth. It’s unclear why ingesting this item, which looks like a cross between an amulet and a chocolate bar, nearly kills her, or what the two drops of amber liquid does to save her, but…sure. Lean into that slug magic, movie!
• Props to You: The film is prone to reusing the same props, which means that everyone has the same dagger and chalice. They’re both visually distinct so they stand out, which just makes it all the funnier when, say, Tild uses the same ceremonial dagger that Dominique killed Sally with or when Lucy pulls out the same chalice that Dominique collected blood in earlier.
• Witchy Homages: As mentioned, Joliffe is pretty obvious with his references. At one point we drop a “Power of 3” line (Charmed) and there’s another sequence where Dominique uses her magic to cause a pupil in another room to contort and convulse before dying (2018’s Suspiria). And while I can’t be certain, the dancing with incense sequence plays like a gentle nod to the kitchen scene in Practical Magic.

Next Time: 2020’s offerings continue with Thomas J. Churchill’s The Amityville Harvest.