Editorials
Hot For Monsters: Horror’s Most Crush-Worthy Beasts [1989 Week]
Presented by Lisa Frankenstein, 1989 Week is dialing the clock back to the crossroads year for the genre with a full week of features that dig six feet under into the year. Today, Jenn Adams tears a page from the new horror comedy and thirsts on threats similar to Lisa’s Creature.
Everybody loves a bad boy. There’s something appealing about a guy who disregards the rules and dreamy delinquents have been known to make even wholesome girls grow weak in the knees. Sometimes it’s the air of danger that heightens the appeal, allowing us to look past the most monstrous physiques.
The new horror comedy Lisa Frankenstein delivers a swoon worthy monster with Cole Sprouse’s Creature, a resurrected corpse who’s spent the last two centuries buried in the local Bachelor’s Cemetery. His tears may smell, and his body may be rotting, but the hunky fiend has an attractive glimmer in his sensitive eyes.
And just like Lisa (Kathryn Newton), we can’t resist this piano-playing killer and would gladly overlook a few graveyard worms for the privilege of putting him back together. He’s not the only one, though: Horror has a long history of crush-worthy monsters, horrific hunks, and beautiful beasts. Needless to say, we went beyond ’89 for this one.
Edward – Edward Scissorhands
Every little girl dreams of a handsome prince from a magical castle who will sweep her off to a winter wonderland. For horror lovers this fantasy tends to skew a little darker. Tim Burton brings this gothic vision to life with Edward Scissorhands, a suburban fairy tale starring a strangely handsome monster. When Avon saleswoman Peg (Dianne Wiest) finds a pale young man with wiry hair and scissors for hands, she brings him back to her pastel home where he falls in love with her beautiful daughter Kim (Winona Ryder).
Though initially caught off guard, Kim eventually warms to this compassionate outcast who wants nothing more than the love of a family. And Kim is not alone. Johnny Depp won over the world with his dreamy portrayal of this sensitive loner. Even better, the film led to Gen Z power couple Depp and Ryder, two of the world’s most attractive actors on the verge of super stardom. Dating Edward might lead to a few cuts now and then, but any man who can style your hair, trim your hedges, and create a fantasy snowscape has got to be worth at least a second date.
R – Warm Bodies
Zombies aren’t exactly known for being hunky – unless we’re talking about the hunks of human flesh that fall off their decomposing bones. But Jonathan Levine’s horror rom-com Warm Bodies gives us a delightfully dreamy zombie named R (Nicholas Hoult) who spends his days roaming the airport and absorbing human memories from the brains of his victims. After killing and eating a survivor of the zombie apocalypse, R develops feelings for his girlfriend Julie (Teresa Palmer). He saves her from a roaming horde of zombies and helps her return to her militarized enclave. As the two grow closer, R finds himself slowly returning to his human form. Could love be the cure for the zombie apocalypse? When the undead crush is played by future heartthrob Nicholas Hoult, that just may be the case.
Pinhead – Hellraiser
Clive Barker’s 1987 film is not only one of the most decadent and thematically rich horror films of all time, it gave rise to one of the genre’s most unique villains. This dark tale of forbidden love may center a toxic romance between Frank (Sean Chapman) and Julia (Clare Higgins), but there’s no doubt that the film’s iconic star is an entity known as Lead Cenobite or Pinhead (Doug Bradley).
Originally named the Hell Priest, this angel to some, demon to others leads a group of interdimensional beings who can be summoned by solving an intricate puzzle box. Once called, the Cenobites will drag the puzzle’s owner to another world where they will explore the outer limits of pleasure and pain. Inspired by 80s BDSM culture, Pinhead wears black leather robes sewn into his skin with intricate straps, and metal fastenings. His pale head is pierced with rows of nails that only add to the creature’s devilish allure.
With an austere voice and ominous warnings, there’s something deliciously seductive about this powerful monster who emerges from a forbidden lair to tempt us with the promise of excruciating pleasure.
Scott Howard – Teen Wolf
High school can be a tricky time for the lovelorn. Hormones are raging, peers and cruel, and it’s difficult to find acceptance in the complicated social hierarchy. And that’s if you’re NOT turning into a werewolf. Unfortunately 17-year-old loser Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) has been noticing some bodily changes that go a bit beyond the regular realm of teenage angst. His hearing is ultra-sensitive, his nails have grown incredibly sharp, and long hair has begun to sprout all over his body.
It seems Scott has inherited the werewolf’s curse: a generational anomaly that doesn’t make him hunger for human flesh but does include superhuman abilities. Scott is terrified that his classmates will discover his secret, but a public transformation sparks Wolf Fever throughout his small town. Suddenly popular, Scott leads his basketball team to victory, wins a role in the school play, and lands a date with the most popular girl in school. But this sudden reversal of fortune leads to the age-old question: Will they accept Scott for himself or do they only have eyes for the Wolf? Played by the charming Michael J. Fox, this dreamy werewolf is one we’d want around even when the moon isn’t full.
Billy Hutcherson – Hocus Pocus
What girl doesn’t love the strong, silent type? There’s nothing more intriguing than a mysterious stranger who stands in the shadows not uttering a word. Unfortunately the reanimated corpse of Billy Butcherson (Doug Jones) has a troubling reason for his silent demeanor. Winifred Sanderson (Bette Midler), oldest of a trio of legendary witches, sewed his lips together in a fit of rage after discovering his love for her sister Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker). Adding insult to injury, she brings him back to life only to retrieve a powerful book from a group of mischievous kids. But just when it seems the Sanderson Sisters may achieve eternal life, Billy reverses course and unleashes his pent-up rage against the sinister witch.
Though initially a villain, this tall and lanky zombie becomes a protector at the very moment Dani (Thora Birch) and her brother Max (Omri Katz) need him the most. Even decapitation is not enough to keep him from fulfilling his life and afterlife-long mission to defeat Winnefred Sanderson. Designed to be a punk rock version of Ichabod Crane, this cute corpse with his tousled hair, expressive eyes, and well-defined cheekbones goes from pursuer to savior in the blink of an eye. It’s no wonder millennials have grown up smitten with the silent but swoon worthy colonial monster.
Hellboy – Hellboy
Is there anything more attractive than a red hot demon with a heart of gold? Hellboy, aka Anung Un Rama, is a demon/human hybrid summoned from hell as a baby by the Third Reich. Raised as a normal child, he now works as an investigator for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (B.P.R.D.) But aside from his snarky sense of humor, Hellboy is anything but normal. With blazing red skin, he is a muscle-bound brute with a devilish tail and massive horns protruding from his broad forehead. He may file these unusual appendages down to look like oversized goggles, but fully grown out these demonic antlers only add to his roguish charm.
Hellboy is usually spotted wearing a long trench coat, further amplifying his devil-may-care allure. He may be hot, but what truly sets this handsome monster apart is his genuine desire to save the world. Whether you’re lusting after Ron Perlman, David Harbour, or perhaps the original comic book images, rest assured this is a crush so powerful that it might just bring about the apocalypse.
Pennywise – It and It Chapter Two
Most children of the ’80s grew up afraid of clowns after watching Tim Curry’s iconic performance in the miniseries adaptation of Stephen King’s It. Ironically, their children might grow up with an attraction to clowns thanks to Bill Skarsgård. His depiction of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in Andy Muschietti’s 2017 film adaptation delivers a new and, yes, enticing stab at the shape-shifting monster.
Gone are the Bozo-esque pom-poms and the curly red wig. Skarsgård’s interpretation of the character takes inspiration from 19th century clowns. With a dirty, white tunic, puffed shoulders, and a ruffled collar, Muscietti’s films deliver a slimmer, and dare we say more attractive shape. Muschietti’s sequel It Chapter Two gives us a glimpse of the handsome Swedish actor out of makeup as well as an illustration of the sinister man roaming the streets of Derry sans costume. Whether in or out of his terrifying make-up, there’s no doubt this dreamy clown has the power to make us swoon as well as scream.
Lisa Frankenstein is only in theaters this Friday. Get Tickets Now!
Comics
‘Spider-Noir’ Comic Changes Explained: How the TV Series Reinvents Marvel’s Darkest Spider-Man
A little while back, I wrote an article chronicling the Hellraiser franchise’s affinity for Film Noir and touched on how that genre has, historically, always been connected to horror.
This connection can be observed in everything from the cannibalistic serial killers of Frank Miller’s Sin City to the disturbing criminal plots fueling neo-noir thrillers like Stuart Gordon’s underrated King of the Ants. That’s why it came as no surprise when I finally sat down to watch all eight episodes of Prime Video’s recently released Spider-Noir series and was confronted with plenty of classic horror tropes.
What did come as a surprise, however, was how showrunners Oren Uziel and Steve Lightfoot approached these horror elements when compared to the 2009 comic book that the show is based on. From the heavily altered rogue’s gallery to an equally terrifying yet completely different origin story for Nicolas Cage’s take on the webslinger, there are plenty of changes here that I feel might be of interest to genre fans.
With that in mind, I’d like to invite readers to take a closer look at all the adjustments that Spider-Noir made to the story in order to bring this incarnation of Spider-Man to life in all of its monochromatic glory (unless you watched the True-Hue color version of the show, in which case you’ll be treated to a surprisingly comic-booky palette that you don’t usually see on television).
The Dark Origins of Marvel’s Spider-Man Noir
Our first order of business should be to examine the origins of the Noir comics themselves. Originally published as part of the Marvel Noir alternate universe that reimagined several characters as hard-boiled crime-fighters, Spider-Man Noir became the most successful book in the entire run. This highly politicized story about Peter Parker coming to terms with the capitalist evils of the Great Depression seemed to have struck a nerve with audiences looking for a darker take on the wall-crawler, which is likely why we’d soon see several sequel stories as well as a video game adaptation of the character in 2010’s underrated Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions.
Of course, it wasn’t just Spider-Man’s darker disposition that made this version of the character a hit, as 1930s New York City was depicted as being much more hostile than what we generally see in the standard Marvel Universe. From Peter’s powers coming from an Eldritch Spider God that spawns man-eating arachnids to Vulture being an ex-Freak-Show Gimp with a taste for human flesh, you can definitely understand why this Web-Head isn’t pulling his punches.
Unfortunately, this alternate universe was a little too popular for its own good, with each subsequent sequel/adaptation further diluting the political anger and classic horror influences that fueled the original comic-book run in order to appeal to a wider audience. Spider-Man Noir was nearly unrecognizable once we got to the Spider-Verse crossover that turned the character into a household name, though this would at least lead to an interesting adaptation in 2018.
The Classic Horror Influences Hidden Throughout Spider-Noir
Jack Huston as Sandman in ‘Spider-Noir’
When Phil Lord and Chris Miller finally translated Spider-Man Noir to the big screen, with Nicolas Cage bringing the character to life in an unexpected case of pitch-perfect casting, he was still mostly relegated to comic relief as his nazi-punching antics and over-the-top edginess were played for laughs. However, while this version of the character had little to do with the comics that spawned him, Spider-Noir’s newfound popularity eventually resulted in the announcement of a darker live-action spin-off – a spin-off that I was cautiously optimistic about.
While the showrunners ultimately decided to go in a completely different direction than the 2009 comic, the new team of writers appeared to understand Noir as a genre in ways that even the folks at Marvel Noir couldn’t quite grasp. That’s likely why 2026’s Spider-Noir boasts plenty of horror elements, just not in ways we’ve seen them before.
The series is obviously borrowing tropes and aesthetics from period-accurate monster movies, with Universal’s 1930s output being a particularly big influence. From the re-imagining of Sandman and Tombstone as tragic figures to The Spider even being operated on by a mad scientist with hilariously antiquated techniques, this bizarre collection of super-powered freaks could have easily shown up in a classic creature feature.
The scares aren’t all retro, however, as the showrunners also injected plenty of body-horror into the mix during their attempt at unifying the origin stories for all these larger-than-life characters. Hell, the Spider himself is now revealed to have gained his powers after being bitten by a half-mutated Man-Spider during World War I, and the aforementioned mad scientist keeps a disturbing collection of failed experiments in her basement, proving that not all of her patients were lucky enough to simply gain superpowers after being experimented on.
Nicolas Cage Reinvents Spider-Man Noir for Television
Ben Reilly/Spiderman (Nicolas Cage) in SPIDER-NOIR
Photo: Aaron Epstein/Prime
© Amazon Content Services LLC
I also really appreciate how Cage insists on depicting Ben Reilly as an arachnid trapped inside of a human body, with his uncanny physical performance and classic Hollywood impressions keeping your eyes glued to the screen while also providing some of the show’s funniest moments.
I still think it’s a shame that the character is no longer politically motivated, and I miss the detail about Uncle Ben having been cannibalized by Vulture after his social activism ruffled too many feathers, but at least this time our protagonist actually feels like someone who could have been written by Raymond Chandler if he were a fan of Superheroes.
In fact, the writers nailed the snappy back-and-forth that Noir authors like Dashiel Hammett used to refer to as the “riposte”, and it’s fun to see supervillains being depicted as horrific movie monsters instead of specialized henchmen – with The Spider feeling like just as much of a Freak Show attraction as the rest of them. Purists might be put off by the lack of reverence for the source material, but I think that’s a small price to pay when even the show’s most clichéd moments intentionally harken back to the golden age of Hollywood.
That’s why I’d argue that Amazon’s Spider-Noir isn’t really an adaptation, but rather an equally valid take on the same premise that inspired Marvel back in 2009. And in a world filled with recycled storylines that only serve to advertise future releases, I’d rather have two completely different visions of the same character than a straight-up retelling of the same handful of ideas.
At the end of the day, there’s enough space inside this comic fan’s heart for both man-eating Vultures and a Cronenberg-inspired Man-Spider. And if you’re also a fan of nostalgic creature features with comic book flair, I’d highly recommend this street-level superhero story with a spooky twist.
You must be logged in to post a comment.