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Hot For Monsters: Horror’s Most Crush-Worthy Beasts [1989 Week]

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Presented by Lisa Frankenstein, 1989 Week is dialing the clock back to the crossroads year for the genre with a full week of features that dig six feet under into the year. Today, Jenn Adams tears a page from the new horror comedy and thirsts on threats similar to Lisa’s Creature.

Everybody loves a bad boy. There’s something appealing about a guy who disregards the rules and dreamy delinquents have been known to make even wholesome girls grow weak in the knees. Sometimes it’s the air of danger that heightens the appeal, allowing us to look past the most monstrous physiques.

The new horror comedy Lisa Frankenstein delivers a swoon worthy monster with Cole Sprouse’s Creature, a resurrected corpse who’s spent the last two centuries buried in the local Bachelor’s Cemetery. His tears may smell, and his body may be rotting, but the hunky fiend has an attractive glimmer in his sensitive eyes.

And just like Lisa (Kathryn Newton), we can’t resist this piano-playing killer and would gladly overlook a few graveyard worms for the privilege of putting him back together. He’s not the only one, though: Horror has a long history of crush-worthy monsters, horrific hunks, and beautiful beasts. Needless to say, we went beyond ’89 for this one.


Edward – Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands

Every little girl dreams of a handsome prince from a magical castle who will sweep her off to a winter wonderland. For horror lovers this fantasy tends to skew a little darker. Tim Burton brings this gothic vision to life with Edward Scissorhands, a suburban fairy tale starring a strangely handsome monster. When Avon saleswoman Peg (Dianne Wiest) finds a pale young man with wiry hair and scissors for hands, she brings him back to her pastel home where he falls in love with her beautiful daughter Kim (Winona Ryder).

Though initially caught off guard, Kim eventually warms to this compassionate outcast who wants nothing more than the love of a family. And Kim is not alone. Johnny Depp won over the world with his dreamy portrayal of this sensitive loner. Even better, the film led to Gen Z power couple Depp and Ryder, two of the world’s most attractive actors on the verge of super stardom. Dating Edward might lead to a few cuts now and then, but any man who can style your hair, trim your hedges, and create a fantasy snowscape has got to be worth at least a second date.


R – Warm Bodies

January Releases

Zombies aren’t exactly known for being hunky – unless we’re talking about the hunks of human flesh that fall off their decomposing bones. But Jonathan Levine’s horror rom-com Warm Bodies gives us a delightfully dreamy zombie named R (Nicholas Hoult) who spends his days roaming the airport and absorbing human memories from the brains of his victims. After killing and eating a survivor of the zombie apocalypse, R develops feelings for his girlfriend Julie (Teresa Palmer). He saves her from a roaming horde of zombies and helps her return to her militarized enclave. As the two grow closer, R finds himself slowly returning to his human form. Could love be the cure for the zombie apocalypse? When the undead crush is played by future heartthrob Nicholas Hoult, that just may be the case.


Pinhead – Hellraiser

Clive Barker’s 1987 film is not only one of the most decadent and thematically rich horror films of all time, it gave rise to one of the genre’s most unique villains. This dark tale of forbidden love may center a toxic romance between Frank (Sean Chapman) and Julia (Clare Higgins), but there’s no doubt that the film’s iconic star is an entity known as Lead Cenobite or Pinhead (Doug Bradley).

Originally named the Hell Priest, this angel to some, demon to others leads a group of interdimensional beings who can be summoned by solving an intricate puzzle box. Once called, the Cenobites will drag the puzzle’s owner to another world where they will explore the outer limits of pleasure and pain. Inspired by 80s BDSM culture, Pinhead wears black leather robes sewn into his skin with intricate straps, and metal fastenings. His pale head is pierced with rows of nails that only add to the creature’s devilish allure.

With an austere voice and ominous warnings, there’s something deliciously seductive about this powerful monster who emerges from a forbidden lair to tempt us with the promise of excruciating pleasure.


Scott Howard – Teen Wolf

High school can be a tricky time for the lovelorn. Hormones are raging, peers and cruel, and it’s difficult to find acceptance in the complicated social hierarchy. And that’s if you’re NOT turning into a werewolf. Unfortunately 17-year-old loser Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) has been noticing some bodily changes that go a bit beyond the regular realm of teenage angst. His hearing is ultra-sensitive, his nails have grown incredibly sharp, and long hair has begun to sprout all over his body.

It seems Scott has inherited the werewolf’s curse: a generational anomaly that doesn’t make him hunger for human flesh but does include superhuman abilities. Scott is terrified that his classmates will discover his secret, but a public transformation sparks Wolf Fever throughout his small town. Suddenly popular, Scott leads his basketball team to victory, wins a role in the school play, and lands a date with the most popular girl in school. But this sudden reversal of fortune leads to the age-old question: Will they accept Scott for himself or do they only have eyes for the Wolf? Played by the charming Michael J. Fox, this dreamy werewolf is one we’d want around even when the moon isn’t full.


Billy Hutcherson – Hocus Pocus

Doug Jones Hocus Pocus 2

What girl doesn’t love the strong, silent type? There’s nothing more intriguing than a mysterious stranger who stands in the shadows not uttering a word. Unfortunately the reanimated corpse of Billy Butcherson (Doug Jones) has a troubling reason for his silent demeanor. Winifred Sanderson (Bette Midler), oldest of a trio of legendary witches, sewed his lips together in a fit of rage after discovering his love for her sister Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker). Adding insult to injury, she brings him back to life only to retrieve a powerful book from a group of mischievous kids. But just when it seems the Sanderson Sisters may achieve eternal life, Billy reverses course and unleashes his pent-up rage against the sinister witch.

Though initially a villain, this tall and lanky zombie becomes a protector at the very moment Dani (Thora Birch) and her brother Max (Omri Katz) need him the most. Even decapitation is not enough to keep him from fulfilling his life and afterlife-long mission to defeat Winnefred Sanderson. Designed to be a punk rock version of Ichabod Crane, this cute corpse with his tousled hair, expressive eyes, and well-defined cheekbones goes from pursuer to savior in the blink of an eye. It’s no wonder millennials have grown up smitten with the silent but swoon worthy colonial monster.


Hellboy – Hellboy

Is there anything more attractive than a red hot demon with a heart of gold? Hellboy, aka Anung Un Rama, is a demon/human hybrid summoned from hell as a baby by the Third Reich. Raised as a normal child, he now works as an investigator for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (B.P.R.D.) But aside from his snarky sense of humor, Hellboy is anything but normal. With blazing red skin, he is a muscle-bound brute with a devilish tail and massive horns protruding from his broad forehead. He may file these unusual appendages down to look like oversized goggles, but fully grown out these demonic antlers only add to his roguish charm.

Hellboy is usually spotted wearing a long trench coat, further amplifying his devil-may-care allure. He may be hot, but what truly sets this handsome monster apart is his genuine desire to save the world. Whether you’re lusting after Ron Perlman, David Harbour, or perhaps the original comic book images, rest assured this is a crush so powerful that it might just bring about the apocalypse.


Pennywise – It and It Chapter Two

Treehouse of Horror Pennywise

Most children of the ’80s grew up afraid of clowns after watching Tim Curry’s iconic performance in the miniseries adaptation of Stephen King’s It. Ironically, their children might grow up with an attraction to clowns thanks to Bill Skarsgård. His depiction of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in Andy Muschietti’s 2017 film adaptation delivers a new and, yes, enticing stab at the shape-shifting monster.

Gone are the Bozo-esque pom-poms and the curly red wig. Skarsgård’s interpretation of the character takes inspiration from 19th century clowns. With a dirty, white tunic, puffed shoulders, and a ruffled collar, Muscietti’s films deliver a slimmer, and dare we say more attractive shape. Muschietti’s sequel It Chapter Two gives us a glimpse of the handsome Swedish actor out of makeup as well as an illustration of the sinister man roaming the streets of Derry sans costume. Whether in or out of his terrifying make-up, there’s no doubt this dreamy clown has the power to make us swoon as well as scream.


Lisa Frankenstein is only in theaters this Friday. Get Tickets Now!

Editorials

What’s Wrong with My Baby!? Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ at 50

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Netflix It's Alive

Soon after the New Hollywood generation took over the entertainment industry, they started having children. And more than any filmmakers that came before—they were terrified. Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Exorcist (1973), The Omen (1976), Eraserhead (1977), The Brood (1979), The Shining (1980), Possession (1981), and many others all deal, at least in part, with the fears of becoming or being a parent. What if my child turns out to be a monster? is corrupted by some evil force? or turns out to be the fucking Antichrist? What if I screw them up somehow, or can’t help them, or even go insane and try to kill them? Horror has always been at its best when exploring relatable fears through extreme circumstances. A prime example of this is Larry Cohen’s 1974 monster-baby movie It’s Alive, which explores the not only the rollercoaster of emotions that any parent experiences when confronted with the difficulties of raising a child, but long-standing questions of who or what is at fault when something goes horribly wrong.

Cohen begins making his underlying points early in the film as Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) discusses the state of the world with a group of expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room. They discuss the “overabundance of lead” in foods and the environment, smog, and pesticides that only serve to produce roaches that are “bigger, stronger, and harder to kill.” Frank comments that this is “quite a world to bring a kid into.” This has long been a discussion point among people when trying to decide whether to have kids or not. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have said they feel it’s irresponsible to bring children into such a violent, broken, and dangerous world, and I certainly don’t begrudge them this. My wife and I did decide to have children but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy.

Immediately following this scene comes It’s Alive’s most famous sequence in which Frank’s wife Lenore (Sharon Farrell) is the only person left alive in her delivery room, the doctors clawed and bitten to death by her mutant baby, which has escaped. “What does my baby look like!? What’s wrong with my baby!?” she screams as nurses wheel her frantically into a recovery room. The evening that had begun with such joy and excitement at the birth of their second child turned into a nightmare. This is tough for me to write, but on some level, I can relate to this whiplash of emotion. When my second child was born, they came about five weeks early. I’ll use the pronouns “they/them” for privacy reasons when referring to my kids. Our oldest was still very young and went to stay with my parents and we sped off to the hospital where my wife was taken into an operating room for an emergency c-section. I was able to carry our newborn into the NICU (natal intensive care unit) where I was assured that this was routine for all premature births. The nurses assured me there was nothing to worry about and the baby looked big and healthy. I headed to where my wife was taken to recover to grab a few winks assuming that everything was fine. Well, when I awoke, I headed back over to the NICU to find that my child was not where I left them. The nurse found me and told me that the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped, and they had to put them in a special room connected to oxygen tubes and wires to monitor their vitals.

It’s difficult to express the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. Everything turned out okay, but it took a while and I’m convinced to this day that their anxiety struggles spring from these first weeks of life. As our children grew, we learned that two of the three were on the spectrum and that anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD were also playing a part in their lives. Parents, at least speaking for myself, can’t help but blame themselves for the struggles their children face. The “if only” questions creep in and easily overcome the voices that assure us that it really has nothing to do with us. In the film, Lenore says, “maybe it’s all the pills I’ve been taking that brought this on.” Frank muses aloud about how he used to think that Frankenstein was the monster, but when he got older realized he was the one that made the monster. The aptly named Frank is wondering if his baby’s mutation is his fault, if he created the monster that is terrorizing Los Angeles. I have made plenty of “if only” statements about myself over the years. “If only I hadn’t had to work so much, if only I had been around more when they were little.” Mothers may ask themselves, “did I have a drink, too much coffee, or a cigarette before I knew I was pregnant? Was I too stressed out during the pregnancy?” In other words, most parents can’t help but wonder if it’s all their fault.

At one point in the film, Frank goes to the elementary school where his baby has been sighted and is escorted through the halls by police. He overhears someone comment about “screwed up genes,” which brings about age-old questions of nature vs. nurture. Despite the voices around him from doctors and detectives that say, “we know this isn’t your fault,” Frank can’t help but think it is, and that the people who try to tell him it isn’t really think it’s his fault too. There is no doubt that there is a hereditary element to the kinds of mental illness struggles that my children and I deal with. But, and it’s a bit but, good parenting goes a long way in helping children deal with these struggles. Kids need to know they’re not alone, a good parent can provide that, perhaps especially parents that can relate to the same kinds of struggles. The question of nature vs. nurture will likely never be entirely answered but I think there’s more than a good chance that “both/and” is the case. Around the midpoint of the film, Frank agrees to disown the child and sign it over for medical experimentation if caught or killed. Lenore and the older son Chris (Daniel Holzman) seek to nurture and teach the baby, feeling that it is not a monster, but a member of the family.

It’s Alive takes these ideas to an even greater degree in the fact that the Davis Baby really is a monster, a mutant with claws and fangs that murders and eats people. The late ’60s and early ’70s also saw the rise in mass murderers and serial killers which heightened the nature vs. nurture debate. Obviously, these people were not literal monsters but human beings that came from human parents, but something had gone horribly wrong. Often the upbringing of these killers clearly led in part to their antisocial behavior, but this isn’t always the case. It’s Alive asks “what if a ‘monster’ comes from a good home?” In this case is it society, environmental factors, or is it the lead, smog, and pesticides? It is almost impossible to know, but the ending of the film underscores an uncomfortable truth—even monsters have parents.

As the film enters its third act, Frank joins the hunt for his child through the Los Angeles sewers and into the L.A. River. He is armed with a rifle and ready to kill on sight, having divorced himself from any relationship to the child. Then Frank finds his baby crying in the sewers and his fatherly instincts take over. With tears in his eyes, he speaks words of comfort and wraps his son in his coat. He holds him close, pats and rocks him, and whispers that everything is going to be okay. People often wonder how the parents of those who perform heinous acts can sit in court, shed tears, and defend them. I think it’s a complex issue. I’m sure that these parents know that their child has done something evil, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still their baby. Your child is a piece of yourself formed into a whole new human being. Disowning them would be like cutting off a limb, no matter what they may have done. It doesn’t erase an evil act, far from it, but I can understand the pain of a parent in that situation. I think It’s Alive does an exceptional job placing its audience in that situation.

Despite the serious issues and ideas being examined in the film, It’s Alive is far from a dour affair. At heart, it is still a monster movie and filled with a sense of fun and a great deal of pitch-black humor. In one of its more memorable moments, a milkman is sucked into the rear compartment of his truck as red blood mingles with the white milk from smashed bottles leaking out the back of the truck and streaming down the street. Just after Frank agrees to join the hunt for his baby, the film cuts to the back of an ice cream truck with the words “STOP CHILDREN” emblazoned on it. It’s a movie filled with great kills, a mutant baby—created by make-up effects master Rick Baker early in his career, and plenty of action—and all in a PG rated movie! I’m telling you, the ’70s were wild. It just also happens to have some thoughtful ideas behind it as well.

Which was Larry Cohen’s specialty. Cohen made all kinds of movies, but his most enduring have been his horror films and all of them tackle the social issues and fears of the time they were made. God Told Me To (1976), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), and The Stuff (1985) are all great examples of his socially aware, low-budget, exploitation filmmaking with a brain and It’s Alive certainly fits right in with that group. Cohen would go on to write and direct two sequels, It Lives Again (aka It’s Alive 2) in 1978 and It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive in 1987 and is credited as a co-writer on the 2008 remake. All these films explore the ideas of parental responsibility in light of the various concerns of the times they were made including abortion rights and AIDS.

Fifty years after It’s Alive was initially released, it has only become more relevant in the ensuing years. Fears surrounding parenthood have been with us since the beginning of time but as the years pass the reasons for these fears only seem to become more and more profound. In today’s world the conversation of the fathers in the waiting room could be expanded to hormones and genetic modifications in food, terrorism, climate change, school and other mass shootings, and other threats that were unknown or at least less of a concern fifty years ago. Perhaps the fearmongering conspiracy theories about chemtrails and vaccines would be mentioned as well, though in a more satirical fashion, as fears some expectant parents encounter while endlessly doomscrolling Facebook or Twitter. Speaking for myself, despite the struggles, the fears, and the sadness that sometimes comes with having children, it’s been worth it. The joys ultimately outweigh all of that, but I understand the terror too. Becoming a parent is no easy choice, nor should it be. But as I look back, I can say that I’m glad we made the choice we did.

I wonder if Frank and Lenore can say the same thing.

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