Movies

Bone Eater (V)

“Blatantly cartoonish, frequently boring, occasionally nonsensical, BONE EATER is the ultimate Saturday morning mindwipe.”

Published

16 years ago

August 1, 2008

Bloody Disgusting Staff

I was addicted to Saturday morning cartoons well into my teenage years; I wasn’t one to sleep in until 9, catch an hour of Bugs Bunny, and then head to the mall. Hell, no; I was up at 6am, ready to commit to the entire 5 hour block, Smurfs and all. So when I fired up BONE EATER at 8am Saturday morning, a sort of warm nostalgia overtook me. Blatantly cartoonish, frequently boring, occasionally nonsensical, BONE EATER is the ultimate Saturday morning mindwipe.

The movie limps back and forth between two parallel storylines that refuse to intersect for what seems like hours. In the first narrative you’ve got a giant bone creature, for the sake of argument let’s call it a “bone eater”, awakened from its slumber by a trio of inept construction workers who start taking apart some excavated human bones with a pick-axe. Bone eaters, especially bone eaters based on nonexistent Native American legends, don’t like it when you fuck with their buried bones, a lesson the construction guys learn the hard way when the bone eater throws bones at them, which makes their bodies disintegrate into computer generated dust. Pretty cool, eh?

But then there’s the second, decidedly shittier storyline, the one featuring Sheriff Bruce Boxleitner trying to make amends with his estranged, perpetually cleavage-bearing 17-year-old daughter, AND keep the crusty landowner Mr. Krantz from bullying the local Native Americans. Boring shit, like an ultra slow episode of PICKET FENCES, but with Bruce Boxleitner instead of Viper from TOP GUN.

BONE EATER shifts back and forth between the two perspectives: shots of the bone eater riding a big bone stallion (NOT a sexual euphemism, believe it or not), or disintegrating a group of archeological students into dust by chopping them with his big bone sword, all of it rendered in riotously bad CGI; and then a neck-breaking narrative shift to Boxleitner, trying to keep his trampy daughter from humping the local thug, or bracing the grouchy Mr. Krantz for information. Stick around long enough and you can be fairly certain that the two story lines will eventually converge, and you can probably count on hearing a completely perfunctory bone eater origin story. And maybe, just maybe, if you really have patience and continue to watch despite all logic and instinct, you’ll see Boxleitner dress up in full Native American garb—feathers and all—to face the bone eater in a final battle of tribal dominance and dubious visuals.

Movies

‘The Coffee Table’ – Listen to Stephen King and Watch One of the Year’s Most Shocking Horror Movies

Published

5 hours ago

May 15, 2024

Meagan Navarro

Horror fans looking to test their mettle should take note of director Caye Casas‘s The Coffee Table. Horror master Stephen King recently said of the pitch-black tragicomedy, “My guess is you have never, not once in your whole life, seen a movie as black as this one. It’s horrible and also horribly funny.”

That sums up this grim movie well, with King’s recommendation worth taking.

In a press release, Casas said, “We wanted to make one of the cruelest films ever made, one that people cannot forget. It will make them feel very strong emotions, real terror without monsters, zombies, ghosts or murderers, only with a dining room table and the cruelest fate that you can imagine.”

The filmmaker, who co-wrote the film with Cristina Borobia, isn’t downplaying the cruelty.

The film “follows Jesus and Maria, a couple going through a difficult time in their relationship. Nevertheless, they have just become parents. To shape their new life, they decide to buy a new coffee table. A decision that will change their existence.”

Let’s just say that that fateful decision comes with significant trigger warnings, particularly for new parents, and a jaw-dropping inciting event that transforms the film into a relentless pressure cooker. One that Casas intercuts with pitch-black humor that only heightens the macabre madness. The filmmaker mines horror from a freak tragedy to a degree that often leaves you torn between laughter and edge-of-your-seat suspense. But more impressive is the way that Casas fearlessly shatters at least one sacred cinematic taboo for a twisted laugh.

“I can only assure one thing to audiences, if you like strong emotions, if you want to suffer like never before, if you want to feel real terror, The Coffee Table is your movie,” said Casas. “You will never forget it, I promise.”

That’s a bold claim that Casas more than backs up with this grim shocker. Check out the trailer below for a peek at the dark insanity in store.

David Pareja and Estefanía de los Santos star as the ill-fated couple, with Josep Riera, Claudia Riera, and Eduardo Antuña rounding out the cast.

The Coffee Table released on DVD and VOD on May 14, with platforms including AppleTV, Prime Video, Google Play, VUDU, and more. Don’t miss this wild ride, but beware: it’s a doozy.