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Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers Volume 2

Published

15 years ago

on

It’s time for yet another volume of Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers! The great Beefcake The Mighty has blessed two of you readers with his answers to your love and relationship issues. Care to learn from this man’s great advice and possibly ask him a question of your own? Then go forth past the jump and learn how YOU can become a great lover!

askbeefcake
Photo Courtesy Of Adam Dodd

I have a pussy of a boyfriend… But he’s really good in bed… Anyway to make him act like a man so I won’t be so embarrassed to be seen with him?
 
Sounds like you should dump the chump! If he’s a pussy, he’ll never ever not be a pussy. Even if he does get tough, he’ll always carry around that inner pussy, cradling it close to his bosom like a favorite stuffed bunny. He’s probably secretly gay. Leave him immediately. You must remember, guys are easy and you could probably have any guy you want. Unless you’re fat and/or ugly, then you might wanna stay with what you got. If you’re not particularly hideous to look at or touch, might I suggest you bang as many guys as you can, until you find just the right one. I suggest you start with each and every one of his friends, you might have more in common with those close to home. Also, you should print his name here so everyone can make fun of him too.
 
 
 
Hey Beefcake, how can a young guy like myself spice up his sex life? I am so desensitized (Thanks Internet!), that nothing really excites me anymore, and almost all my sexual encounters get boring within 5 minutes, no matter how rough or crazy it gets. How do I get excited about sex again?
 
Well, first of all I think you should try having sex with another person involved. Usually one would mate with a member of the opposite sex. I do detect a bit of confusion on that subject from your end, so I would suggest that you dive headlong into a hopeless heroin addiction and become a cheap and shameless prostitute. Take on all comers (literally) regardless of sex, race, or species . No matter how bizarre and potentially harmful or dangerous the request may be. Stop bathing and don’t use condoms. In fact ignore your health and sanity altogether. Become a receptacle for all forms of excretion and abuse. After a couple of soul destroying years you should have a better idea of what you enjoy or don’t care for. But by then you’ll likely O.D. and die, so it doesn’t really matter that much what you do. But it would be pretty funny.



To submit YOUR questions to Beefcake The Mighty:
Just leave a comment with your question! 
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Music

John Carpenter Releases New Single “The Ferryman” From Upcoming Audio/Visual Project ‘Cathedral’

Published

2 days ago

on

June 30, 2026

By

John Carpenter The Ferryman

Horror master John Carpenter and bandmates Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies have released “The Ferryman“, the second single from Carpenter’s upcoming audiovisual project Cathedral. 

The graphic novel arrives on August 4 through Storm King Comics, with the companion album following on August 7 via Sacred Bones Records. 

In other words, every track on the companion album corresponds to a chapter in the book, with liner notes guiding listeners through the story as they read. 

The 120-page graphic novel is written by Carpenter, editor/producer/wife Sandy King, and Sean Sobczak, illustrated by Federico De Luca and Luis Guaragna, colored by Ryan Winn, and lettered by Marshall Dillon.

“I like that one because it really seems to feature all three of us in a special way,” guitarist Daniel Davies said in a statement about the new single. “It has interesting harmonies that Cody put together and John’s signature pad-style string parts. It’s more of an electronic metal track in a way, but we just wanted to make it as heavy and driving as possible.“

“The Ferryman” follows the previously released “Lord of the Underground“.

The synopsis for Cathedral: “An abandoned cathedral. A gruesome murder. A powerful supernatural entity living in the catacombs. It all comes to a head in downtown Los Angeles. What will happen and who will live to tell the tale? Such is the storyline of Cathedral, the thrilling new album and terrifying graphic novel from legendary director and musician John Carpenter, based on a dream he had in 2024.“

“It was so cinematic and vivid,” the director said. “I thought, ‘I have to score this.’ It’s kind of our first heavy metal album.” 

Get ready to immerse yourself in John Carpenter’s universe all over again.

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