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Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers Volume 3

Published

13 years ago

on

We were gonna post this earlier but we figured that in the spirit of April Fools and all the fun jokes that have been permeating the internet, how about some more laughs? After the jump, you can read two more questions and answers from the biggest, sexiest bassist in the music industry. Don’t forget to leave a comment with your question for the next edition of Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers!

askbeefcake
Photo Courtesy to Adam Dodd

1) Since 5 months ago, my girlfriend really LOVES to watch TV while having sex. After a pretty big discussion, she confessed to having sex with you regularly…after all, I noticed that her left nipple is missing. Is it possible that you took it with you?…Accidentally?

Yes, apparently your girlfriend (I use the term loosely, much like she uses her swampy vadge) is bored shitless by your half assed attempts to satisfy her sexually. She would rather watch re-runs of Chico And The Man than pretend she is enjoying your retarded stabs at her wretched abortion hole. Face it, you’re a dud. That’s why, occasionally I allow her to flop her slop trough down on my lap for a bit of a hosing out. Don’t be too upset, though. I don’t enjoy a second of it. Just trying to help out the rest of the planet by keeping you two pusbags off the market. Oh, and the nipple? It must have fallen off while I was kicking her down the stairs. She’s a leper, you know. And a whore. You’re welcome!

2) Hey Beefcake, when I was younger, I walked in on my parents having sex. To this day, that image haunts me and makes it very difficult for me to perform with the ladies. What do you recommend I do about this?
Ah, yes, a common conundrum. Many lower class youngsters walk in on their parents having sex, or their mother and the neighbor, or their father and their sister, or a prostitute, or a farm animal, or an endless succession of filthy disease ridden perverts, what have you. It can certainly scar an impressionable child. There are several ways to deal with this. 1. grow a pair and get over it! How do you think you got here, you fucking pussy? 2. Years and years of therapy. I think this one’s funny because someone will make tons of money off of your tears, and you’ll still never get over it. Finally, 3. Either force your parents to watch you have sex with someone or 3. (b) Rape both of your parents while explaining (in a very crazy and intimidating way) how catching them in the act has affected you all these years. Either way, you’re a faggot and will be haunted by this until you are found dead of an overdose in a sleazy motel bathroom. Hope that helped!

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Music

“He Walks By Night” – Listen to a Brand New John Carpenter Song NOW!

Published

1 week ago

on

April 9, 2024

By

John Carpenter music

It’s a new day, and you’ve got new John Carpenter to listen to. John Carpenter, Daniel Davies and Cody Carpenter have released the new track He Walks By Night this morning, the second single off their upcoming album Lost Themes IV: Noir, out May 3 on Sacred Bones Records.

Lost Themes IV: Noir is the latest installment in a series that sees Carpenter releasing new music for John Carpenter movies that don’t actually exist. The first Lost Themes was released in 2015, followed by Lost Themes II in 2016 and Lost Themes III: Alive After Death in 2021.

Sacred Bones previews, “It’s been a decade since John Carpenter recorded the material that would become Lost Themes, his debut album of non-film music and the opening salvo in one of Hollywood’s great second acts. Those vibrant, synth-driven songs, made in collaboration with his son Cody Carpenter and godson Daniel Davies, kickstarted a musical renaissance for the pioneering composer and director. With Lost Themes IV: Noir, they’ve struck gold again, this time mining the rich history of the film noir genre for inspiration.

“Since the first Lost Themes, John has referred to these compositions as “soundtracks for the movies in your mind.” On the fourth installment in the series, those movies are noirs. Like the film genre they were influenced by, what makes these songs “noirish” is sometimes slippery and hard to define, and not merely reducible to a collection of tropes. The scores for the great American noir pictures were largely orchestral, while the Carpenters and Davies work off a sturdy synth-and-guitar backbone.

“The trio’s free-flowing chemistry means Lost Themes IV: Noir runs like a well-oiled machine—the 1951 Jaguar XK120 Roadster from Kiss Me Deadly, perhaps, or the 1958 Plymouth Fury from John’s own Christine. It’s a chemistry that’s helped power one of the most productive stretches of John’s creative life, and Noir proves that it’s nowhere near done yielding brilliant results.”

You can pre-save Lost Themes IV: Noir right now! And listen to the new track below…

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