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Ask Beefcake: Advice For Forlorn Lovers Volume 4

Published

13 years ago

on

Alright Bloody-Disgusting readers, check it out. It’s been a while since GWAR bassist Beefcake The Mighty has been able to grace us with his knowledge and answer your questions regarding love and relationships. What’s that? You want to know why? You dare ask? He’s been to busy raping the penguins outside of the GWAR Antarctic home base, that’s why! The man can’t be disturbed when his schlong is wreaking havoc amongst the indigenous population. I tried it once. I barely escaped with my life, not to mention the cherished virginity of my eye socket (who does that???). But now the love guru is back to answer your questions!

askbeefcake
Photo Courtesy: Adam Dodd

1) Hey Beefcake, I’m an 18 year old girl that is about to go to senior prom with my boyfriend of four years. We’ve never gone all the way, but I’m thinking that prom night will be the night! How can I make sure that it’s special and something I’ll remember and cherish for the rest of my life?
 
Ahh, yes! Young love, your first time, and all that bullshit! The point where you go from a sweet and  innocent young lady with her whole life ahead of her, to a shameless filthy slut overnight! The time when a sweet caring boyfriend changes into a bragging retard, high fiving his buddies and snickering along with them at the story of how he took your virginity and never called you again! Oh, the fumbling, awkward poking and prodding. The premature ejaculation. The unwanted teen pregnancy. Yes, it is a wonderful time! There are many ways to make this Hallmark moment last forever. Here are just a few suggestions. 
 
1) Get really really drunk and throw up all over your boyfriend before he reaches climax. This will assure you a place in history as the dumb drunken slut who threw up on her boyfriend while getting plowed in the boys room stall.
2) Let him take pictures. He’ll surely post them on the internet and ruin your life!
3) Get pregnant.
4) Find out the hard way that you’re not his first, and get a raging case of herpes!
5) Whatever you do, let him bang you. Otherwise, he won’t love you and you’ll die alone, fat, and ugly.
 
2) Yo Beefcake, I’m in a sticky situation. I’m seeing two girls at once that don’t know about each other and they’re starting to figure shit out. What should I do?
 
That’s easy! Introduce them to each other, drop some pills into their drinks, and when they get really horny, have an epic 3-way with them. They’ll totally be into it and you’ll be the coolest kid at the mall! This is a no lose situation! Chicks love it when you cheat on them and can’t wait to reward you with a Penthouse Forum fantasy 3-way with lots of girl on girl action! Hats off to you, Stud!
I want to try something new this time. If you want to submit a question, but are ashamed, leave a comment saying so and I’ll open up a dedicated email account to receive questions where they will be sent anonymously. If you have no shame, post your question below!
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Music

“He Walks By Night” – Listen to a Brand New John Carpenter Song NOW!

Published

1 week ago

on

April 9, 2024

By

John Carpenter music

It’s a new day, and you’ve got new John Carpenter to listen to. John Carpenter, Daniel Davies and Cody Carpenter have released the new track He Walks By Night this morning, the second single off their upcoming album Lost Themes IV: Noir, out May 3 on Sacred Bones Records.

Lost Themes IV: Noir is the latest installment in a series that sees Carpenter releasing new music for John Carpenter movies that don’t actually exist. The first Lost Themes was released in 2015, followed by Lost Themes II in 2016 and Lost Themes III: Alive After Death in 2021.

Sacred Bones previews, “It’s been a decade since John Carpenter recorded the material that would become Lost Themes, his debut album of non-film music and the opening salvo in one of Hollywood’s great second acts. Those vibrant, synth-driven songs, made in collaboration with his son Cody Carpenter and godson Daniel Davies, kickstarted a musical renaissance for the pioneering composer and director. With Lost Themes IV: Noir, they’ve struck gold again, this time mining the rich history of the film noir genre for inspiration.

“Since the first Lost Themes, John has referred to these compositions as “soundtracks for the movies in your mind.” On the fourth installment in the series, those movies are noirs. Like the film genre they were influenced by, what makes these songs “noirish” is sometimes slippery and hard to define, and not merely reducible to a collection of tropes. The scores for the great American noir pictures were largely orchestral, while the Carpenters and Davies work off a sturdy synth-and-guitar backbone.

“The trio’s free-flowing chemistry means Lost Themes IV: Noir runs like a well-oiled machine—the 1951 Jaguar XK120 Roadster from Kiss Me Deadly, perhaps, or the 1958 Plymouth Fury from John’s own Christine. It’s a chemistry that’s helped power one of the most productive stretches of John’s creative life, and Noir proves that it’s nowhere near done yielding brilliant results.”

You can pre-save Lost Themes IV: Noir right now! And listen to the new track below…

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