Today we posted two reviews for the indie DVD feature Monster From Bikini Beach, one positive, and one negative. Inside you’ll find Tex’s negative thoughts on the film, while if you click here you can chew on David’s positive thoughts. I guess this one isn’t for everyone….
Few things in cinema get me more excited than the prospects of a Monster Movie/Surf Movie mash up. I crashed a market screening of Charles Busch’s PSYCHO BEACH PARTY when it played at the Cannes Film Festival 8-years ago and in 2006 I spent much of the year raving to anyone who would listen about the merits of a film called FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE CREATURE FROM BLOOD COVE. Unfortunately, last year I bemoaned the semi-failure of The Palonia Brothers ode SPLATTER BEACH and that made me even more homesick for a new beach blanket bloodbath. So, when the opportunity presented itself to check out a film called MONSTER FROM BIKINI BEACH it didn’t take “two shakes of a puppy dogs tail” for me to pound back and e-mail screaming “bring it on daddy-o”! Something about best-laid plans comes next.

The plot is all right there in the title. We’re not going for subtle here. It’s monsters, bikinis and a beach. Of course for arguments sake we also visit a club, a pool, a nerd’s bedroom–replete with X-FILES posters, the monsters lair and a taco stand. The cast includes the voice-over-detective (Sammy Payday), his door-knob-genius-girlfriend (Boom-Boom), a dorky reporter (Archie “don’t call me Scoop”) and a no-nonsense beat reporter whose name is the tongue-tying Raquel Vanvanderzander. All that is left after that is a succession of nudie cuties to be chomped to bits by a…

….Ok, look…the MONSTER FROM BIKINI BEACH is some kind of Primordial Paper Mache-looking Walking Catfish crossed with a Shrimp. And attack scenes that play out like homage to the Lobstora rape sequence from John Waters’ MULTIPLE MANIACS…at this point I was just about ready for anything.

Ultimately, where SPLATTER BEACH succeeded (and only where) MONSTER FROM BIKINI BEACH fails is in the extended running time. The Palonia’s film is a very brief 60-minute feature but this 90-minute epic way overstays its welcome–padding itself out with an endless series of surf guitar montages and go-go dances. Still, those long swaths of nothingness are broken up with exquisite moments of showering, partying, pot smoking, ukulele playing, switchblade wielding starlets who are more than happy to have their tops torn from their bodies before spilling their guts out all over the screen. Oh it’s campy death sequences galore! Often it appears that the actors are actually holding the fake intestines in just before throwing their arms up in the air and letting their stomachs explode on camera. It’s just utter stupidity on screen. But if you were looking for a serious movie called MONSTER FROM BIKINI BEACH you’d best put down the remote and call a shrink!

Too long for it’s own good, this film from Darin Wood and Christy Savage is never as bad as it could be–in the bad way. But, it’s also never as good as it could be–in the bad way. Still, if you’re looking for some Ventures type rock n’ roll, a monster that a grade school art class could make with the Sunday Times, a fair amount of blood, a bevy of beach beauties that were willing to doff their bikinis for no pay then look no further. This is exactly the type of movie you’re gonna love. But, if you’re not already predisposed to appreciating this level of trash then sadly you’re gonna be left in the dumps, daddy-o!

4/10 or 2 Skulls