Editorials
Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!
Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners
The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.
The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.
The Line: “Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.”
The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.
The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.
The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.
The Line: “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)
The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.
The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.
The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.
The Line: “Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)
The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.
The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.
The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.
The Line: “He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)
The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note: “Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.
The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.
The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.
The Line: “I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)
The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.
The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.
The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.
The Line: “How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)
The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.
The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.
The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.
The Line: “Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)
The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.
The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.
The Line: “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)
The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.
The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.
The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.
The Line: “I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)
The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?
The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.
The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.
The Line: “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)
The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.
For this month’s installment of “TV Terrors” we revisit the short-lived animated series “Gravedale High” (aka “Rick Moranis in Gravedale High“), which aired on NBC in 1990.
During the era of Saturday Morning Cartoons, there was always this idea by studios to build on a big star’s name by giving them an animated vehicle. We saw it with Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Macaulay Culkin, and Gary Coleman, as well as comedians like Louie Anderson and Howie Mandel. John Candy got (the still celebrated) “Camp Candy,” while his SCTV colleague Rick Moranis headlined his own animated horror comedy series for kids: “Gravedale High.”
Rick Moranis garnered immense fame and cult status in the eighties and nineties with an iconic comedy career that carried over into big films like Ghostbusters and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. As a means of marketing off his momentum, an animated series was developed by NBC and Hanna-Barbera to help broaden his family friendly image going into a new decade. “Gravedale High” was born, an animated series that channeled the classic Universal Monsters and teamed them up with a human out of his element; Moranis, naturally.
Rick Moranis starred as Maxwell Schneider, a well-intentioned teacher who presides over a class of young monsters; and the only human among the colorful cast of monster characters. The series provides literally no backstory to explain how he’s found himself teaching at the titular Gravedale High, mind you, but it’s a fun gimmick that the writers run with all the same.
Even though they’re rarely mentioned, we know who these students are modeled after. Among Schneider’s monster class there’s Vinnie Stoker, a Fonzie-like teen version of Dracula. Frankentyke is a shorter, grouchier version of his monstrous father who is prone to bullying others. Reggie Moonshroud is a geeky red haired werewolf very similar in nature to Ron Howard. There’s also J.P. Ghastly III, a blue skinned gnome similar in appearance to Peter Lorre. And my favorite: Gill Waterman, a Spicoli-esque creature from a lagoon who lives and breathes for surfing.
And then there’s Cleofatra, a heavier female version of the mummy who is the antithesis of normal mummies and, as per the rules of the ’90s, obsessed with food. Sid is the class clown who is based on the Invisible Man. He compensates for being invisible by telling non-stop jokes and playing pranks. Rounding out the class, there’s the Southern zombie with an obsession for shopping named Blanche, as well as Duzer, the snake haired Gorgon who is also a vain, self centered Valley Girl.
While similar to “Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School,” Hanna-Barbera developed “Gravedale High” more like a teen sitcom in the vein of “Head of the Class” or “Welcome Back, Kotter.” Schneider always had a lesson to teach his monster class, with each episode mostly serving as a self-contained comedic misadventure. Despite being hopelessly outnumbered, Schneider viewed the students as more than just monsters, and always inspired them to do the right thing. Despite the students clashing with one another and giving Max a hard time, they also had a real sincerity toward him that made their whole dynamic a lot of fun.
Equally fun was the show’s ensemble voice cast, which included the likes of Shari Belafonte, Jackie Earle Haley, Ricki Lake, Maurice LaMarche, Ruth Buzzi, Charlie Adler, Frank Welker, and so many more.
While Rick Moranis’ career continued on, sadly the series only lasted for just thirteen episodes before cancellation; that can mostly be attributed to NBC dropping all of their kids shows altogether in the mid-nineties, in favor of a more teen oriented, live action line up. “Gravedale High” did manage to re-appear in syndication on occasion, however, and spawned a small line of McDonald’s kids meal toys that are still highly coveted by fans to this day.
While Moranis sadly retired from show business in 1997 to focus on his family, I’d still love for someone to revive this series with new characters and a more modern approach. A new generation of budding horror fanatics could use a show like “Gravedale High” in their lives.
Where Can I Watch It? Criminally, the series is not available to stream and you won’t find any official physical media releases in print, but full episodes can be found on YouTube.
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