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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!

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Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners

10. The Movie: Doom (2005)


The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.

The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.

The Line:Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.

The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.

9. The Movie: Pulse (2006)


The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.

The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.

The Line:Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)

The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.

8. The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)


The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.

The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.

The Line:Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.

7. The Movie: New York Ripper (1982)


The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.

The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.

The Line:He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)

The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note:Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.

6. The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)




The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.

The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.

The Line:I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)

The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.

5. The Movie: Feardotcom (2002)


The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.

The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.

The Line:How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)

The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.

4. The Movie: Species (1995)


The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.

The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.

The Line:Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)

The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

3. The Movie: Alone in the Dark (2005)


The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.

The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.

The Line:Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)

The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.

2. The Movie: The Swarm (1978)

The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.

The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.

The Line:I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)

The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?

1. The Movie: They Live (1988)

The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.

The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.

The Line:I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)

The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.

Editorials

Tales from ‘Tales from the Crypt’: Exhuming Season Six’s “Only Skin Deep” Episode

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tales from the crypt only skin deep
Sherrie Rose as Molly and Peter Onorati as Carl in "Only Skin Deep".

The penultimate season of Tales from the Crypt (1989–1996) aired its first three episodes on October 31, so it’s understandable that at least one of those three stories is set on Halloween.

Sandwiched between “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime” (Russell Mulcahy, Ron Finley) and “Whirlpool” (Mick Garris, A. L. Katz & Gilbert Adler) is the most severe episode of the bunch. Maybe the entire series? William Malone and Dick Beebe’s “Only Skin Deep” traded the show’s typical sense of fun for startling amounts of bleakness and kink.

“Only Skin Deep” is, apart from the Crypt Keeper’s intro and outro, noticeably unfunny. There are no considerable attempts at making the viewer laugh. Come to think of it, if those bookends had been replaced, and there was more of a sci-fi element in the story, HBO could have easily squeezed this tale into that successor anthology, Perversions of Science (1997). In Crypt, though, “Only Skin Deep” is much too grim for an audience that had become accustomed to campiness and levity.

What makes “Only Skin Deep” feel dark, among other things, is its protagonist. Showing up to a Halloween party where he’s not welcome, and where his former girlfriend (Diane DiLasco) is attending, Carl Schlag (Peter Onorati) first comes across as your standard bitter ex. You soon realize it’s much worse than that, once Carl threatens Linda (“You know, silly me, thinking I gave you what you deserved. If I’d have done that, I’d have killed you”). Now, I haven’t forgotten that Tales from the Crypt was teeming with vile men who did women harm. Yet Carl’s brand of misogynistic menace hits differently—it borders on being too realistic for this kind of series.

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Mike Vosburg’s EC-style comic cover for “Only Skin Deep”, as seen in the Tales from the Crypt episode.

Despite donning a party mask for much of the episode, Carl can’t ever mask his true nature. The invitation did saycome as you are, after all. That inability to change and be better, however, is why Carl ends up in such a karmic predicament. His outburst of anger at the party attracts the attention of one loner partygoer named Molly (Sherrie Rose, who was also in Season Four’sOn a Deadman’s Chest). Her bone-white, featurelessmaskand body-bag costume don’t initially register as too strange, especially on a night like this. But at a party chock-full of colorful, cartoonish, and lighthearted ensembles, it does look out of place.

Darkness attracts darkness as Carl ditches the party and accompanies the mysterious Molly to her place. Which, by the way, should have been an immediate red flag. But perhaps she’s so hot, he doesn’t seem to mind the serial killer aesthetic. Resembling a warehouse that has been converted into living spaces, but never then decorated to remove the cold, industrial look, Molly’s home (or lair) is as gloomy as this whole episode feels. It’s like the set of a grungy music video, albeit a tad cleaner. The environments in a typical Crypt episode tend to be small, overfilled, and broken-in. Warm, regardless of any weird goings-on. All that empty space in Molly’s hovel, on the other hand, elicits a creepy feeling that Carl was unwise to ignore.

Tales from the Crypt featured more sex than it didn’t, but hands down,Only Skin Deepboasts the steamiest scene in the show’s history. Pushing it over the line, in addition to Onorati showing bare buns and the camera never turning down one of his pelvic thrusts, is the twisted dirty talk. Carl stays in the moment, whereas Molly unleashes charged lines likethe hurt, the anger, give it to meandtake it out on my flesh like you want to. It’s all quite kinky, as well as tied into the story’s theme of pain.

How elseOnly Skin Deepdiffers from other episodes is its twists. Or rather, its lack thereof. Nothing comes as a great surprise here, particularly because the deuteragonist’s ulterior motives are so obvious. By no means is Molly a wolf in sheep’s clothing; her face is a fright mask, she practically reeks of death, and she lives in what can best be described as a serial killer’s hideout. That last-act revelation of Molly’s mask really being her face is also nothing shocking. Cleverness is certainly not this episode’s strength.

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A page from “…Only Skin Deep!”, as seen in EC Comics’ Tales from the Crypt.

WhileOnly Skin Deepisn’t the most universally loved episode of Tales from the Crypt, it’s an interesting preview of William Malone’s future as a director. Most notably, he went on to helm House on Haunted Hill (1999) and FeardotCom (2002), the former of which was co-written by Dick Beebe, this episode’s writer. Dark Castle Entertainment, that genre house founded by Crypt producers Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis, and Gilbert Adler, was instrumental in bringing out Malone’s gruesome, over-the-top vision in House on Haunted Hill. However, FeardotCom and Malone’s Masters of Horror episode,Fair-Haired Child, are the most stylistically compatible withOnly Skin Deep.

As one might guess, this episode is nothing like its source material. TheOnly Skin Deep!found in the pages of EC Comics is set during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and save for its last couple of pages, is pretty sweet in nature. There, a man named Herbert is enamored with a woman he met five years prior to the present-day story. Every year, he has come down to Mardi Gras to see Suzanne, who’s always dressed as a hag-faced witch. Well, this time, Herbert plans on popping the question and marrying someone who is, for the most part, a total stranger. Suzanne accepts his proposal, but with one condition: they stay in costume until they’re officially hitched. You can probably see where this is going

Once they are married, Suzanne remains incognito, even when she and Herbert have consummated their vows. A semi-predictive nightmare then rattles Herbert; he dreamt that Suzanne’s real face was as wizened as her mask. Finally, in his haste to find out the truth, Herbert winds up killing his new wife. Faceless and well on her way to bleeding out, the dying Suzanne manages to say she never wore a mask.

For more traditional EC-style ghastliness, your best bet is reading the comic. It’s wickedly sad. For something less conventional, as far as Tales from the Crypt goes, the role-reversing adaptation is worth watching. It’s not the best this show had to offer, although Malone’s visual style, plus the sexual abandon, does set the episode apart. If nothing else,Only Skin Deepleaves an impression that, even years later, shows no signs of fading.

Season Six of Tales from the Crypt can be streamed on Shudder, starting on June 5.


Tales from Tales from the Crypt celebrates the show’s Shudder premiere by singling out one episode from each season. So don’t even think about changing that dial, boys and ghouls. More spot-“frights” are to come.

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Carl discovers Molly’s collection of human ‘masks’ in the Tales from the Crypt episode, “Only Skin Deep”.

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