Editorials
[Special Feature] 10 Awful Ways To Die This Halloween
Halloween is supposed to be a night for celebrating the darker sides of human nature. But just like with Christmas, it’s original meaning has been adulterated by consumerism. Instead of worrying about demons and zombies, we now spend Halloween collecting buckets of candy and/or ogling sexy maids/nurses/teachers/adult babies.
Let’s bring the focus back on what Halloween’s really about: Death. While you’re out trick or treating this year, keep these wonderful Halloween-themed threats in mind.
Razor-Blade Candy
A classic, and for good reason. The only idea worse than biting into an unseen razor blade is the idea that you might unknowingly swallow one. With a razor blade slicing through all your insides, it’s only a matter of time before you’re barfing up your whole digestive track. And yes, that means you die with a mouth full of your own poo.
Michael Myers
He doesn’t come around as much as he used to, but you’re can never be sure when Michael Myers will attack next. Back in the day, Myers attacks were more common but they weren’t so bad. You’d get stabbed or chocked or dropped or whatever, but it’d go by relatively quickly. This more recent Michael Myers is a bit different. He doesn’t just stab you, he punches through your head with a knife, not just once but twenty to thirty times. He’s also kind of a hobo, so he smells just awful.
Making your Jack-O-Lantern
It’s amazing how many children make Jack-O-Lanterns during for Halloween. The supposedly fun activity just begs for premature death. Kids usually aren’t that smart. And even the smart ones still suffer from poor hand-eye coordination and body control. So the idea that we let them use knives to cut faces into hollowed-out pumpkins seems especially ludicrous. And even worse, we then expect them to play with fire lighting them up. It’s a wonder Halloween emergency rooms aren’t filled with flaming pen-knife victims year after year. This could be the year.
Circus Peanut Asphyxiation
You thought circus peanuts were bad because they’re basically packing peanuts with a little sugar sprinkled on them? No way. They’re bad because when you eat them they purposefully try to stick in your throat, choking you to death. You didn’t know they were alive? Well, they are. Circus Peanuts are actually alien organisms meant to infiltrate earth by laying eggs in stomachs of decomposing human corpses. The only reason this Circus Peanut Invasion has yet to take off is because anyone who ever ate one spit it out immediately.
Corn Maze
Corn mazes are a tried and true Halloween tradition, but people underestimate how dangerous they are. Simply put: a well designed labyrinth can keep people confused and mixed up for days. It only takes a few of those before dehydration sets in, less if you’ve been drinking alcohol (and if you’re doing a corn maze you’re either drunk, a child, or both). And even if you have water, you still face starvation. Yeah, you can eat all the corn you want, but you’ll still die because your body won’t digest it, kind of like dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean.
Christian Wackos
Christian wackos have problems with almost everything that’s cool, so it should come as no surprise that some Christian wackos dislike a holiday that glorifies gluttony, demon worship, and cleavage. Since Christian activity works as kind of an afterlife credit system, they’re less inclined to worry about terrestrial concerns such as jail time and the electric chair if it means an addition on the golden mansion awaiting them in Heaven. As a result, you never know when one might abduct you and bore you with extremely long sermons before wrapping your face in plastic wrap and shooting the top of your head off.
Monster Apocalypse
Don’t laugh or roll your eyes. Being called impossible is the number one way things become possible. It could happen. Don’t talk to me about science. I don’t want to hear about your science.
So let’s hypothetically say the worse happens and everyone turns into their Halloween costumes like in that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. All in one night, we would suddenly have to deal with a massive increase in ghost, zombie, vampire, werewolf, Bane, and Borat activity across the nation. Even worse, the only people left behind to fight back would be all the princesses and Yodas. To say we’re doomed would be putting it lightly.
Smashing Pumpkins
The human head isn’t as hard as you think. If you and your friends are out smashing pumpkins without helmets on, you may be courting Halloween death. As we all know, smashing those things is a blast. But the more fun you have, the less you aim. And the less you aim, the more likely it is that you’ll accidentally hit someone in the head, replacing their face with pumpkin pie.
It’s a horrible way to go. Victims don’t die automatically, but suffocate on pumpkins guts while running around wildly like a goofball. Usually, they run into traffic. Rarely does a Smashing Pumpkin death supply a corpse clean enough for an open casket. Beware.
Kid Gangs
Kids may look cute, but in large groups they can be deadly. Halloween exasperates their threat immensely. Not only are they roaming the streets in loosely organized gangs, but they’re hopped up on sugar highs. Even worse, their costumes grant them anonymity, allowing them to act without fear of repercussion.They may only smash your heads with pumpkins. Or perhaps they will force circus peanuts down your throat. The most unlucky victims are stoned to death with popcorn balls. Get them before they get you.
Life
Because cancer doesn’t care if it’s Halloween or not.
Editorials
‘Immaculate’ – A Companion Watch Guide to the Religious Horror Movie and Its Cinematic Influences
The religious horror movie Immaculate, starring Sydney Sweeney and directed by Michael Mohan, wears its horror influences on its sleeves. NEON’s new horror movie is now available on Digital and PVOD, making it easier to catch up with the buzzy title. If you’ve already seen Immaculate, this companion watch guide highlights horror movies to pair with it.
Sweeney stars in Immaculate as Cecilia, a woman of devout faith who is offered a fulfilling new role at an illustrious Italian convent. Cecilia’s warm welcome to the picture-perfect Italian countryside gets derailed soon enough when she discovers she’s become pregnant and realizes the convent harbors disturbing secrets.
From Will Bates’ gothic score to the filming locations and even shot compositions, Immaculate owes a lot to its cinematic influences. Mohan pulls from more than just religious horror, though. While Immaculate pays tribute to the classics, the horror movie surprises for the way it leans so heavily into Italian horror and New French Extremity. Let’s dig into many of the film’s most prominent horror influences with a companion watch guide.
Warning: Immaculate spoilers ahead.
Rosemary’s Baby
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The mother of all pregnancy horror movies introduces Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow), an eager-to-please housewife who’s supportive of her husband, Guy, and thrilled he landed them a spot in the coveted Bramford apartment building. Guy proposes a romantic evening, which gives way to a hallucinogenic nightmare scenario that leaves Rosemary confused and pregnant. Rosemary’s suspicions and paranoia mount as she’s gaslit by everyone around her, all attempting to distract her from her deeply abnormal pregnancy. While Cecilia follows a similar emotional journey to Rosemary, from the confusion over her baby’s conception to being gaslit by those who claim to have her best interests in mind, Immaculate inverts the iconic final frame of Rosemary’s Baby to great effect.
The Exorcist
William Friedkin’s horror classic shook audiences to their core upon release in the ’70s, largely for its shocking imagery. A grim battle over faith is waged between demon Pazuzu and priests Damien Karras (Jason Miller) and Lankester Merrin (Max von Sydow). The battleground happens to be a 12-year-old, Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair), whose possessed form commits blasphemy often, including violently masturbating with a crucifix. Yet Friedkin captures the horrifying events with stunning cinematography; the emotional complexity and shot composition lend elegance to a film that counterbalances the horror. That balance between transgressive imagery and artful form permeates Immaculate as well.
Suspiria
Jessica Harper stars as Suzy Bannion, an American newcomer at a prestigious dance academy in Germany who uncovers a supernatural conspiracy amid a series of grisly murders. It’s a dance academy so disciplined in its art form that its students and faculty live their full time, spending nearly every waking hour there, including built-in meals and scheduled bedtimes. Like Suzy Bannion, Cecilia is a novitiate committed to learning her chosen trade, so much so that she travels to a foreign country to continue her training. Also, like Suzy, Cecilia quickly realizes the pristine façade of her new setting belies sinister secrets that mean her harm.
What Have You Done to Solange?
This 1972 Italian horror film follows a college professor who gets embroiled in a bizarre series of murders when his mistress, a student, witnesses one taking place. The professor starts his own investigation to discover what happened to the young woman, Solange. Sex, murder, and religion course through this Giallo’s veins, which features I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton as Solange. Immaculate director Michael Mohan revealed to The Wrap that he emulated director Massimo Dallamano’s techniques, particularly in a key scene that sees Cecilia alone in a crowded room of male superiors, all interrogating her on her immaculate status.
The Red Queen Kills Seven Times
In this Giallo, two sisters inherit their family’s castle that’s also cursed. When a dark-haired, red-robed woman begins killing people around them, the sisters begin to wonder if the castle’s mysterious curse has resurfaced. Director Emilio Miraglia infuses his Giallo with vibrant style, with the titular Red Queen instantly eye-catching in design. While the killer’s design and use of red no doubt played an influential role in some of Immaculate’s nightmare imagery, its biggest inspiration in Mohan’s film is its score. Immaculate pays tribute to The Red Queen Kills Seven Times through specific music cues.
The Vanishing
Rex’s life is irrevocably changed when the love of his life is abducted from a rest stop. Three years later, he begins receiving letters from his girlfriend’s abductor. Director George Sluizer infuses his simple premise with bone-chilling dread and psychological terror as the kidnapper toys with Red. It builds to a harrowing finale you won’t forget; and neither did Mohan, who cited The Vanishing as an influence on Immaculate. Likely for its surprise closing moments, but mostly for the way Sluizer filmed from inside a coffin.
The Other Hell
This nunsploitation film begins where Immaculate ends: in the catacombs of a convent that leads to an underground laboratory. The Other Hell sees a priest investigating the seemingly paranormal activity surrounding the convent as possessed nuns get violent toward others. But is this a case of the Devil or simply nuns run amok? Immaculate opts to ground its horrors in reality, where The Other Hell leans into the supernatural, but the surprise lab setting beneath the holy grounds evokes the same sense of blasphemous shock.
Inside
During Immaculate‘s freakout climax, Cecilia sets the underground lab on fire with Father Sal Tedeschi (Álvaro Morte) locked inside. He manages to escape, though badly burned, and chases Cecilia through the catacombs. When Father Tedeschi catches Cecilia, he attempts to cut her baby out of her womb, and the stark imagery instantly calls Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury’s seminal French horror movie to mind. Like Tedeschi, Inside’s La Femme (Béatrice Dalle) will stop at nothing to get the baby, badly burned and all.
Burial Ground
At first glance, this Italian zombie movie bears little resemblance to Immaculate. The plot sees an eclectic group forced to band together against a wave of undead, offering no shortage of zombie gore and wild character quirks. What connects them is the setting; both employed the Villa Parisi as a filming location. The Villa Parisi happens to be a prominent filming spot for Italian horror; also pair the new horror movie with Mario Bava’s A Bay of Blood or Blood for Dracula for additional boundary-pushing horror titles shot at the Villa Parisi.
The Devils
The Devils was always intended to be incendiary. Horror, at its most depraved and sadistic, tends to make casual viewers uncomfortable. Ken Russell’s 1971 epic takes it to a whole new squeamish level with its nightmarish visuals steeped in some historical accuracy. There are the horror classics, like The Exorcist, and there are definitive transgressive horror cult classics. The Devils falls squarely in the latter, and Russell’s fearlessness in exploring taboos and wielding unholy imagery inspired Mohan’s approach to the escalating horror in Immaculate.
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