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[Editorial] A Note on the Current State of Horror Television to All Our Twelve Year Readers

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This essay is a [now belated] Christmas present written for all you young bastards out there. First off, I know many of you aren’t actually bastards. I use the term as a sign of fake-tough guy affection. Because deep down, we are all fake tough guys. That’s why we watch horror films.

But maybe some of you are too young to watch horror films. Stupid mom won’t let you and you don’t have a dad (again, I understand that you probably have a dad). I used to be in your boat. My mom wouldn’t let me watch any horror films until I was about fourteen years old. While most kids pretended to get lost in the video store so they could ogle the porn room, I spent my video story visits pretending to be lost so I could stare at VHS box art in the horror section, which admittedly had its fair share of boobs, as well.

I had a serious horror film itch, and there were only two methods by which I could scratch it. One was to stay the night with friends, since most of them lacked mothers as lame and draconian as mine. Unfortunately, this rarely worked out. Most of my friends had no interest in horror films or had already seen them before too many times. I saw Halloween 4 and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 by this method, but that’s about it.

Fortunately there was method two: Television. Granted, this wasn’t good for horror films but it worked wonders for horror itself because mom couldn’t monitor everything I watched. Plus, she figured if it was on TV, it had to be suitable for children.

Both Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th had television shows. The USA network had great “Up All Night” programming. We had The Hitchhiker, a new Twilight Zone, Twin Peaks offered weird surreal nonsense when it wasn’t caught up in Soap Opera nonsense, even Stephen Spielberg’s Amazing Stories occasionally hosted genuine scares. And then there was the king of hidden TV horror: HBO’s Tales from the Crypt.

It seemed like a golden age of televised horror. But it wasn’t. Compared to what you guys have today, the horror solace I found was like a G-rated examination of the powers of friendship starring a bunch of big-eyed cartoon ponies. My point is, you really young horror fans need to take a moment to marvel at how good you have it.

Today if you’re hungry for horror you can turn on the television and watch The Walking Dead, a show that might suffer from two years of narrative stupidity (something you probably don’t care about when good violence is on the horizon) but it still represents a new high water mark for zombie makeup and gore. And as one of the highest rated shows on TV, you don’t even have to search that hard to find it. We live in a zombie-happy culture, and The Walking Dead is everywhere, teaching young horror fans all you need to know about human anatomy and the many ways it can be destroyed. Plus, it seems to be improving by the episode.

If you think your budding horror fandom might run a bit more kinky than that, current TV has you covered as well thanks to the truly mental American Horror Story, which outshines pretty much any 1980s VHS treasure my mom tried to protect me from as far as perversity goes. Aside from American Horror Story’s completely thorough, yet possibly affected stupidity, the show offers you a plastic mixture of Cronenberg and Verhoeven that has the potential to implant the more impressionable among you with really unique and interesting lifelong fetishes.

Even if you think you might like horror, but feel a bit wimpy about it, you can fall back on the middling masterpiece that is Supernatural. Currently in its 100th season, Supernatural is not as scary as it used to be, but you still get a good kill every once in a while. Plus it’s hilarious and will teach you all ever need to know about the bible. On this same note, if you’re not afraid of watching something a little dated: Buffy the Vampire the Slayer. Or, if you’re a boy (and I kind of didn’t write this paragraph for boys), Angel. Both shows are probably rerunning all over the place right this very moment.

Here’s my point. You kids have it better than we ever could have dreamed. And because of that, you’re going to grow up even more awesome than we are even in our own heads. If you want a prepubescent dose of horror, all you have to do is turn on the television and it’s there in high definition, most of it probably eons more gruesome than Freddy’s Dead. If your mom comes in the room, you need only change the channel. With this power, I do believe you are all going to make the horror world a better place. Please keep in mind, there are no television horror shows based around the found footage concept. So there’s no need to make that part of your takeover. Unless you know a way to make it awesome.

Editorials

Finding Faith and Violence in ‘The Book of Eli’ 14 Years Later

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Having grown up in a religious family, Christian movie night was something that happened a lot more often than I care to admit. However, back when I was a teenager, my parents showed up one night with an unusually cool-looking DVD of a movie that had been recommended to them by a church leader. Curious to see what new kind of evangelical propaganda my parents had rented this time, I proceeded to watch the film with them expecting a heavy-handed snoozefest.

To my surprise, I was a few minutes in when Denzel Washington proceeded to dismember a band of cannibal raiders when I realized that this was in fact a real movie. My mom was horrified by the flick’s extreme violence and dark subject matter, but I instantly became a fan of the Hughes Brothers’ faith-based 2010 thriller, The Book of Eli. And with the film’s atomic apocalypse having apparently taken place in 2024, I think this is the perfect time to dive into why this grim parable might also be entertaining for horror fans.

Originally penned by gaming journalist and The Walking Dead: The Game co-writer Gary Whitta, the spec script for The Book of Eli was already making waves back in 2007 when it appeared on the coveted Blacklist. It wasn’t long before Columbia and Warner Bros. snatched up the rights to the project, hiring From Hell directors Albert and Allen Hughes while also garnering attention from industry heavyweights like Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman.

After a series of revisions by Anthony Peckham meant to make the story more consumer-friendly, the picture was finally released in January of 2010, with the finished film following Denzel as a mysterious wanderer making his way across a post-apocalyptic America while protecting a sacred book. Along the way, he encounters a run-down settlement controlled by Bill Carnegie (Gary Oldman), a man desperate to get his hands on Eli’s book so he can motivate his underlings to expand his empire. Unwilling to let this power fall into the wrong hands, Eli embarks on a dangerous journey that will test the limits of his faith.


SO WHY IS IT WORTH WATCHING?

Judging by the film’s box-office success, mainstream audiences appear to have enjoyed the Hughes’ bleak vision of a future where everything went wrong, but critics were left divided by the flick’s trope-heavy narrative and unapologetic religious elements. And while I’ll be the first to admit that The Book of Eli isn’t particularly subtle or original, I appreciate the film’s earnest execution of familiar ideas.

For starters, I’d like to address the religious elephant in the room, as I understand the hesitation that some folks (myself included) might have about watching something that sounds like Christian propaganda. Faith does indeed play a huge part in the narrative here, but I’d argue that the film is more about the power of stories than a specific religion. The entire point of Oldman’s character is that he needs a unifying narrative that he can take advantage of in order to manipulate others, while Eli ultimately chooses to deliver his gift to a community of scholars. In fact, the movie even makes a point of placing the Bible in between equally culturally important books like the Torah and Quran, which I think is pretty poignant for a flick inspired by exploitation cinema.

Sure, the film has its fair share of logical inconsistencies (ranging from the extent of Eli’s Daredevil superpowers to his impossibly small Braille Bible), but I think the film more than makes up for these nitpicks with a genuine passion for classic post-apocalyptic cinema. Several critics accused the film of being a knockoff of superior productions, but I’d argue that both Whitta and the Hughes knowingly crafted a loving pastiche of genre influences like Mad Max and A Boy and His Dog.

Lastly, it’s no surprise that the cast here absolutely kicks ass. Denzel plays the title role of a stoic badass perfectly (going so far as to train with Bruce Lee’s protégée in order to perform his own stunts) while Oldman effortlessly assumes a surprisingly subdued yet incredibly intimidating persona. Even Mila Kunis is remarkably charming here, though I wish the script had taken the time to develop these secondary characters a little further. And hey, did I mention that Tom Waits is in this?


AND WHAT MAKES IT HORROR ADJACENT?

Denzel’s very first interaction with another human being in this movie results in a gory fight scene culminating in a face-off against a masked brute wielding a chainsaw (which he presumably uses to butcher travelers before eating them), so I think it’s safe to say that this dog-eat-dog vision of America will likely appeal to horror fans.

From diseased cannibals to hyper-violent motorcycle gangs roaming the wasteland, there’s plenty of disturbing R-rated material here – which is even more impressive when you remember that this story revolves around the bible. And while there are a few too many references to sexual assault for my taste, even if it does make sense in-universe, the flick does a great job of immersing you in this post-nuclear nightmare.

The excessively depressing color palette and obvious green screen effects may take some viewers out of the experience, but the beat-up and lived-in sets and costume design do their best to bring this dead world to life – which might just be the scariest part of the experience.

Ultimately, I believe your enjoyment of The Book of Eli will largely depend on how willing you are to overlook some ham-fisted biblical references in order to enjoy some brutal post-apocalyptic shenanigans. And while I can’t really blame folks who’d rather not deal with that, I think it would be a shame to miss out on a genuinely engaging thrill-ride because of one minor detail.

With that in mind, I’m incredibly curious to see what Whitta and the Hughes Brothers have planned for the upcoming prequel series starring John Boyega


There’s no understating the importance of a balanced media diet, and since bloody and disgusting entertainment isn’t exclusive to the horror genre, we’ve come up with Horror Adjacent – a recurring column where we recommend non-horror movies that horror fans might enjoy.

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