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7 Men That Went Through Hell For Their Women!

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It’s Valentine’s Day, and you know what that means. It means it’s finally time to take the plunge and ask out that lovely individual you’ve been stalking lately. It also justifies slipping love letters under the bathroom door while they’re showering or sliding one under their pillow while they sleep. It’s not creepy if it’s Valentine’s Day, I always say. After you’re done with that you should read this list I’ve compiled of men who went to through hell — both literally and figuratively — in order to save the woman they love.

I suggest you grab that special someone in your life, snuggle up real close and enjoy this list. I guarantee it will lead to whatever it is two adults do when they like each other a lot. (I zoned out during that “birds and the bees” chat, something about pollinating flowers and storks).

Beware of spoilers below!

Mario & Peach — (Almost) Every Mario Game

If repeating the same act over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity than I’m not sure who’s crazier: Bowser or Mario? Bowser has been kidnapping poor, unsuspecting Princess Peach for decades now, and every time Mario comes in and saves the day. That’s one tenacious dude, if you ask me. On the other hand, from what I’ve seen, Peach is lacking any sort of personality. She doesn’t come off all that bright, or capable of doing really anything on her own, and no one in their right mind picks her in any Mario spin-off she co-stars in, so I have to ask… why is she in the middle of this bizarre love triangle between a plumber and a mutant turtle when there’s a delicious little mushroom man you can fit in your pocket?

Dante & Beatrice — Dante’s Inferno

I’m not sure who I respect more: a man who’s willing to save the same woman over and over and over again, or one who’s willing to battle his way through the nine circles of hell in order to save his love from a gropey and particularly well-endowed Lucifer. Dante may have a leg up on the competition for Most Loyal Man In Video Games if only because of all the horrifying crap he had to go through to get to Beatrice. I mean, come on… that giant witch creature that spawned enemies from her nipples? I would’ve died on the spot after seeing something like that.

Garcia Hotspur & Paula — Shadows of the Damned

Poor, poor Paula. She had a rough time in Shadows of the Damned. The first time you meet her she has a zombie burst out of her back, then she’s taken by a man with a massive penis-shaped head. I’m not sure if I’d say the things Garcia went through were at the same level as Dante’s terrifying experience, because Garcia had a sidekick to help pick up the slack. They also had quite a bit of fun, and really, why go through the hassle of making a trip through the bowels of hell if not to have a little fun?

Alan Wake & Alice Wake — Alan Wake

At the very beginning of the game we learn a few things about Alan and his wife, Alice. The first thing is Alice has a fear of the dark, and the second is that there’s some tension between the two. These two are easily one of my favorite video game couples, because they feel real. When Alice goes missing, Alan stops at nothing to find her. There’s obvious love there, and even though she only had a few brief scenes in the game — including a rather fantastic flashback sequence — she felt like a real person. Sadly, that’s a rare thing to see in a video game.

Jackie Estacado & Jenny Ramano — The Darkness II

As great as Alan and Alice are, Jackie and Jenny are truly special. The Darkness is one of the best story-driven games I’ve played in some time, and a great part of that is because of those two. Jackie has an obvious dark side, and he has definite potential to become a soulless killing machine (which he eventually does), but the one thing that tethers him to reality is Jenny. When she’s murdered right in front of Jackie’s eyes — one of the most heartbreaking scenes I’ve ever seen in a game — he loses it, and for the rest of the game and its sequel, he seeks vengeance as well as a way to save Jenny from a hellish realm where the Darkness is keeping her.

Wander & Mono — Shadow of the Colossus

What I liked the most about Shadow of the Colossus is how it managed to say so much without really any dialogue. It’s a game about a boy turning to an ancient power to save a young maiden. The only way he can do this is by slaying several colossi spread throughout the game’s massive world. With the help of his horse, Agro, Wander sets off to take each and every one of them down. Once he does, the girl is revived, but in doing so he pays a serious price.

James Sunderland & Mary Shepherd-Sunderland — Silent Hill 2

Silent Hill 2 has one of the best story hooks in a game. You play as James Sunderland, a widower, who receives a letter from his dead wife beckoning him to the town of Silent Hill. Obviously, nothing good awaits him in that foggy town, but he continues on in search of his wife. Of course, because this is a Silent Hill game, plot twists abound as we discover that James actually suffocated his wife with a pillow when she was ill three years prior. So yeah, there’s that.

I also wanted to write up a list of women who went to/through hell for their men, but coming up with enough to justify a list was a little difficult. I know it’s happened, though unfortunately, there just aren’t enough female leads in games these days. If you have any ideas for such a list, feel free to share them in the comments below!

Have a question? Feel free to ever-so-gently toss Adam an email, or follow him on Twitter and Bloody Disgusting.

Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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