Editorials
10 Horrific Horror Home Goods to Haunt Your Abode
Surely, I’m not the only one ransacking Target come November 1st of every year, wracking up on all the clearance Halloween decorations – many of which just appear to be gothic decor. Halloween be damned! The truth is, if you stray towards the daker sensibilities, it can be difficult to find items to give your home the pleasant “doom and gloom” vibe you so desperately seek. Once, I even resorted to taking the chintzy, plastic “gold plated” chandelier that seems to be a mainstay in everyone’s first apartment, and spray painted it black. Getting crafty is often a necessity. Thankfully, in this day and age of Etsy and Pinterest, you can find your favorite indie shop for off-kilter goods, or rely on the wealth of knowledge out there to learn how to spice up that junk furniture you picked up at the thrift store.
Here are ten items you can buy…and a few you can make yourself, that will loudly proclaim to any house guest, home is where the horror is!
Smell the Fear
SickWix is a killer little Etsy shop with a line of horror film themed candles. The collection ranges from the above pictured Child’s Play and Friday the 13th to It and amazing, sculpted Halloween candles in the shape of The Shape’s ghostly mug. Fragrances range from “Sour Patch Kids,” “Die, Die, Pumpkin Pie,” and “Tortured Woods.” Each selection comes with various scent options to choose from. I have to admit, I’m a smidge jealous as a horror film candle line is on my list of “one day when I have the time.” For now, SickWix looks to be where it’s at.
Purchase Here
“Love” Horror?
It seems like every cozy kitchen and warm living area features at least one of these simple pieces emblazoned with graphics of words like “Hope,” “Peace,” or “Home.” The other popular term often found plastered on top of various home goods is “Love.” I can’t count how many times I’ve looked past these signs during my lost in time trips to TJ Maxx. Are you a horror lover or just a horror fan who loves love? Either way, this charming woodwork is a piece that should make you look twice. Featuring iconic slasher accouterment all together spelling out “L-O-V-E,” this seems like a no-brainer for genre fans seeking a welcoming touch to their gruesome abode.
Purchase Here
Morning Cup o’ Michael?
I’m addicted to coffee. I worked at Starbucks for almost ten years, and during that time I got used to plenty of free iced black coffee. FREE! Those days are long gone, and while I don’t get my coffee on the zero anymore, I still need it as soon as I roll out of bed. I couldn’t imagine a better way to start the day than to sip my fresh brew out of this sleek Shape mug. These mugs can even be customized to match whatever color palette your haunted house is sporting. If Michael isn’t your gig (for whatever reason that may be), designer MerchMassacre’s Etsy shop is loaded with other mugs, tumblers, and even hoodies from various horror franchises. From the night he came home to your morning cup of joe…
Purchase Here
Time Travel to the Days of VHS
At Etsy shop NancyJars, you can find an array of upcycled VHS goodies. There are a number of “VHS lamps” that feature the logos of your favorite flicks from The Thing to Ghostbusters, and even Black Panther (Nancy doesn’t waste any time). But, let’s face it. The greatest thing about the age of VHS is the cover art. That’s something celebrated by the collection of VHS Clocks on sale at NancyJars. They’re minimalist clocks that allow the artwork to shine through without pesky numbers muckin’ up the place. Options range from Jurassic Park, the pictured “Goosebumps,” and Scream. Granted, if you don’t see a clock that strikes your fancy, the designs can serve as great inspiration for making your own.
Purchase Here
Everyday is Halloween…
…At the Halloweentown Store! This website features pretty much any and everything you might find at Spirit Halloween come the end of September, only this site operates year round! They also feature a lot more than just what you could track down for your cute little costume party at a seasonal retailer. The above image might look like it’s nothing more than retro style Frankenstein mask, and well…okay, that’s pretty much what it is. But, it features an easy to hang hook on the back for display on your wall. Even better, there’s a broad selection of these old-school monster masks from The Creature from the Black Lagoon and Vampira (or their non-copyrighted counterparts “Fish Face” and “Vampyra Girl”), so you can really build up quite the statement wall with these pieces.
Purchase Here
Cooking Up Something Devilish?
Horror Decor has a little something for everyone. They’re kind of like Bed, Bath, and The Beyond…or something like that. They’re the home to Horror Buddies, a wide array of creepy candles and wax melts, as well as VHS pillows! They really do have a bit of something for everyone and every room in your house. I wanted to focus a bit on the kitchen, though, and Horror Decor’s “Pumpkin Pail” collection offered up just what I needed. “Pumpkin Pail” features five different classic Halloween images (some appear very Trick r’ Treat inspired as well) that are gorgeously illustrated. The artwork genuinely calls to mind nostalgic nights spent going door to door begging for candy and fearing something evil was waiting around every corner. You can get the designs on candles, enamel pins, tote bags, and of course, these too hot to handle pot holders. Remember, even something as simple as a square piece of fabric meant for handling a searing cast iron can be a design element.
Purchase Here
Don’t Let A Salt and Pepper Shaker Cross Your Path
Also from Halloweentown Store, these black cat salt and pepper shakers are totes adorbs. They’d go perfect with the above Pumpkin Pail line given their classic Samhain aesthetic. If your style is a bit more modern, however, they’ve also got a straightforward set of black and white skull shakers. Of course, you could always just fill them both up with Pumpkin Spice. It somehow seems more apropos.
Purchase Here
Summon Spirits from Your Coffee Table
So this DIY Ouija board coffee table is 100% amazing and sure to become the center of conversation at your next dinner party. I mean, you’ll be able to brag to your guests all about how you built the thing with your own bare hands AND strike up a new friendship with spirits from the other side…all at the same time! Now that’s what I call a multifunctional piece. Full disclosure, the instructions are fairly complex for those of us who might not be the woodshop type, but I fully intend to give it a go myself. Creator Purpletheory has several demented DIY projects worth checking out over at Instructables.
Instructions Here
X-ray Vision Bathroom Break
You could always get a black and white photo of a classic celeb like James Dean or Marilyn Monroe, stick it on your bathroom wall, and call it a day (seriously, why is that such a go-to thing?). Or, you could get a bit creative. Afterall, the bathroom is where we grope, groom, and observe our own anatomy – why not make a statement of it? Simply print off some X-ray images and place them within a bold frame. Look, ma, I made art! I discovered this little decor diddy over at the DIY Network site. The specific article’s title, “Teenage Girl’s Goth-Style Bathroom,” may be a tad cringe-worthy but some of the ideas could be used by even those of us above the age of 18.
Goth Teenage Girl Ideas Here?
Get Thee to a Paint Store
When all else fails, do what I did with my gross apartment light fixture. Get some black paint in your life! Just don’t blame me if you don’t get your security deposit back. :/ It’s amazing what you can do with old junky furniture. You can really make a statement with any room design by simply picking a bold color (and really, what’s bolder than black?) and painting a few eye-catching pieces to truly make a splash. Want a “worn” antique look? Like the armoire above, you can paint the furniture and then go over it in places with steel wool or sandpaper to give it a natural-looking weathered finish.
I hope I was able to give you a few ideas on how to haunt your own home, because horror isn’t just entertainment – it’s a lifestyle.
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”
As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.
Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.
The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?
In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).
These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.
Simple enough, right?
Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.
Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.
Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.
This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).
Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.
While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.
Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?
Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.
Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
- Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
- Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
- Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
- Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
- Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
- Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
- Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
- Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
- Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
- Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
- Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
- Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…
Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!
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