Editorials
[BEST & WORST ’11] The Worst Trailers of the Year!
Most of these are trailers for films so bad there’s simply no way to cull two minutes of footage from them and make them look good. Though many of them try, they fail and end up as middling pieces of marketing.
Then there are the ones who seem to know just how bad the film is, as if the guy cutting the trailer realized that people were going to waste actual money to see this thing if he did his job properly and “saved the film”.
This dude – let’s call him “Hero” – looks like he cut some of these teasers, valiantly laying his job on the line to tell us to avoid these movies.
Check out some truly bad trailers after the jump! 
Micah (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst) | Performances (Best)
For about 30 seconds this trailer almost manages to make us forget that we’re watching an advertisement for something as stupid as a found footage movie on the moon. And then it hits us, it’s indeed a found footage movie on the moon. What’s wrong with that? Well, it takes a normally visually static genre and makes it even more static. Also, the concept alone takes the single best weapon in the found footage arsenal – the feeling that this could happen to you – and completely removes it by making it about astronauts 250,000 miles away. There’s no polishing a turd, and this trailer proves it.
Holy crap this just gives me flashbacks to the early-mid 1990’s when horror movies were just boring as sh*t. Adding Anthony Hopkins only makes it worse because, even though he was in the best horror film of that era, he’s also king of the paycheck and has been in his share of middling garbage. It’s a bad association to bring into the most boring genre of horror – the religious thriller. There’s only been like four good ones, and the The Rite ain’t one of them.
I actually liked Scream 4 more than many of my contemporaries/colleagues. It’s by no means anywhere as good as the first film, but it escapes the godawful shenanigans of Scream 3 by a wide margin. Sure it has its share of stupid moments, but if you don’t think Scream 2 had those I’d suggest thinking long and hard about who the killer in that movie was.
Sadly, the trailer for Scream 4 was everything its critics (somewhat rightfully) accused the movie of being. Overly referential, reflexively mistaking “meta” with “clever” and just generally being super annoying. It had none of the occasionally nice character moments or brutality that the film used to dilute its own worst ideas.
While I included the poster for Red State as one of my bests of the year, that’s about as far as I can go in terms of love for the film or anything related to it. All this trailer does is expose just how much Smith is treading water in terms of his development as a visual director while somehow regressing dramatically as a writer. Seeing the actual film, which includes several seemingly full length sermons from Michael Parks, only compounds the issue.
Earlier this year I took part in a roundtable interview with director James McTeigue. When I asked him how he was going to differentiate the film from Sherlock Holmes this was his response, “We’re a much different beast… We’re about as close to ‘Sherlock Holmes’ as ‘Transformers’ is.
He might want to call the marketing department and let them know.
Even though this Straw Dogs remake was unnecessary, it was far from being a truly bad movie. But this trailer that tries to recontextualize the whole thing into a modern, almost Texas Chainsaw remake, “check out how hardcore things are gonna get” piece is borderline offensive. It also completely misrepresents the film.
Almost as inept as the film itself (and this trailer includes almost as many blank frames as it does images! Perhaps an homage to the film’s off-camera climax), this is fairly upfront about how visually flat and boring the film is. It’s also honest about how not scary and unfunny the film is. Being honest about the shortcomings of Creature is an admirably brave, yet fatal, mistake.
Quick question – has a movie ever been made to look less interesting than Priest? I’d say no. I didn’t see the film and this trailer is largely responsible for that. If somehow the actual feature managed to be interesting at all, let me know in the comments.
I’ve seen Syfy trailers that play their cards closer to the chest in terms of how crappy their film is. Christ.
You know how in Tropic Thunder Ben Stiller played a character named Tug Speedman who starred in the godawful ‘Scorcher” franchise? “Scorcher” only wishes it looked as hilariously bad as Season Of The Witch. Kids, this is what happens when you spend all of your money on castles before remembering to pay your taxes. You have to make Season Of The Witch.
Horror was permanently changed in 1984 when Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street unleashed Freddy Krueger on the world. This brutal boogeyman pushed horror to exciting new places, but so much of the character’s impact is the result of Robert Englund’s quintessential performance.
Englund has a long and storied career as a performer that’s covered far more than horror alone. However, there’s such a sublime, sinister synergy between Englund and this heightened genre that’s made him one of horror’s most revered names.
Englund is set to scare audiences again as a malevolent reimagining of Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio Unstrung, but he’s also been responsible for many more macabre monsters.
The Cricket (Pinocchio Unstrung)
Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey has somehow spun a morbid experiment in public domain exploitation into its own cinematic universe, the Twisted Childhood Universe. There’s been increasing promise in the TCU’s various films, which has also led to a growing list of capable horror guest stars, such as Roger L. Jackson, Richard Brake, and now Robert Englund. Englund is by far the most impressive name to attach himself to one of these movies, and Pinocchio Unstrung certainly doesn’t squander the opportunity to have him on board as its terrifying take on Jiminy Cricket. Englund’s performance as “The Cricket” in Pinocchio Unstrung becomes a sinister subversion of the classic character who is meant to function as Pinocchio’s conscience and moral compass.
Englund’s Cricket is instead the ultimate instigator who perpetually pushes Pinocchio into greater violence that condemns humanity and its many misgivings, rather than idolizing all the “real boys” in the world. Pinocchio Unstrung is a love letter to practical effects and old-fashioned animatronics and puppetry. This means that Englund just provides the voice for Cricket, but it’s still a deeply sinister performance and one of the most unnerving characters to appear in the Twisted Childhood Universe. Once again, Englund is careful not to just repurpose his Freddy Krueger persona, and he instead develops an original voice that plays into past renditions of the character. There’s a palpable rage and disdain in Englund’s Cricket that turns him into a threatening loose cannon and makes the audience forget that he’s only a few inches tall.
The Phantom of the Opera (The Phantom of the Opera)
The Phantom of the Opera is a foundational horror story that’s still being explored over a century later. 1989’s cinematic adaptation of Gaston Leroux’s 1910 classic doesn’t always get the respect that it deserves, despite it containing one of Englund’s most nuanced horror performances. Directed by Dwight H. Little, who previously helmed the underrated Halloween 4, The Phantom of the Opera operates as a gorier take on Leroux’s source material that feels like a lost Hammer Film picture. The titular Phantom is the perfect role for Englund following A Nightmare on Elm Street, and his participation in the picture was initiated by Englund promising his agent that he’d do another horror project after Elm Street’s success.
Englund was excited to tackle an iconic character who had previously been portrayed by formative horror legends like Herbert Lom, Claude Rains, and Lon Chaney. Englund beautifully fits the mold and is sublime casting for this ‘80s take on the character. Englund taps into a powerful dichotomy between the Phantom’s brutal and tragically sympathetic nature. It’s a role that’s significantly deeper than Freddy Krueger and better explores Englund’s range as an actor, which helps get him away from cheesy one-liners. It also doesn’t hurt that Little concocts a uniquely twisted take on the Phantom’s disfigurement, which was achieved by sewing human skin onto Englund’s face. The modern-day sequences that bookend the film were meant to tie into a planned sequel, The Phantom of the Opera 2: Terror in Manhattan, which unfortunately never came to fruition.
Victor Creel (Stranger Things)
Love it or hate it, Stranger Things assembled some impressive guest stars that took advantage of their respective legacies as ‘80s genre legends, such as Linda Hamilton, Matthew Modine, Cary Elwes, and Robert Englund. Englund’s turn as Victor Creel in the streaming hit’s fourth season is one of the series’ best performances and a role that rises above the mediocrity around it. Victor Creel is an opportunity for Englund to actually subvert expectations and play against type. It’s brilliant casting that initially conditions the audience to be wary of Creel and view him as a frightening threat. This perception is reinforced when Creel is encountered in a psychiatric ward and horrifically blinded.
Creel’s disturbing eye-gouged appearance is revealed to actually be a symptom of his tragic life and the psychological torment he received from Vecna. Creel is hard to look at, but there’s nothing to fear about him. He’s led a sad life that’s filled with inescapable guilt. He’s more like one of Freddy Krueger’s victims than Freddy himself. Englund goes above and beyond as Victor Creel, and the emotional monologues that he delivers are among some of the actor’s best work and proof that Englund’s still got it.
Marquis de Sade (Night Terrors)
Tobe Hooper’s Night Terrors is a particularly forgettable ’90s horror film that faced a litany of production problems and changes that certainly didn’t do it any favors. The story is a mess, even for a Cannon Video production, but it provides the novelty of Englund pulling double duty as the cruel Marquis de Sade and his modern day descendant, Paul Chevalier. Night Terrors banked on the novelty of Hooper directing Englund as one of history’s greatest monsters, and his performance is easily the best thing about this movie.
There’s an unabashed glee to Englund’s work as the Marquis de Sade that’s reminiscent of Freddy Krueger’s twisted jubilation over his creative murders, yet it doesn’t just feel like a carbon copy of Englund’s iconic role. There’s an appreciated degree of restraint going on before the film goes off the rails and incorporates supernatural elements and abstract dream sequences. Chevalier and his modern cult worship the Marquis de Sade as a deity of torture and liberation. The nightmare sequences that involve the Marquis de Sade are the most chilling and make this figure look as frightening on the outside as he is on the inside. There’s enough to latch onto here, even if the film as a whole is a mess, and Englund doesn’t squander the opportunity to play two sides of the same creepy coin.
Scarecrow (Injustice 2)
Robert Englund is no stranger to voiceover work, and he’s voiced his share of macabre and memorable characters over the years. That being said, one of his most inspired roles is the work that he did in NetherRealm’s dark DC Comics-based fighter, Injustice 2, where he plays Jonathan Crane, better known as the Scarecrow. There’s a certain tongue-in-cheek brilliance to having Englund voicing the Batman rogue who is the self-appointed “Master of Fear.” There’s certainly a meta quality to Englund’s casting here, right down to how some of his dialogue explicitly references Freddy Krueger one-liners like “Welcome to your nightmare” and “Now I’m playing with power.”
Englund doesn’t just phone in this performance or replicate his work as Freddy. The actor cultivates a unique voice for Scarecrow that cuts to the core of this character in a menacing manner. Englund’s Scarecrow is raspy, erratic, and honestly one of the better takes on Dr. Crane. It makes one wonder what he’d be able to accomplish if he were playing the part in live-action. He takes a simple role and breathes fresh life into it. Curiously, it’s not his first time playing a Batman villain. He does comparably interesting work as The Riddler in The Batman and the more obscure sorcerer, Felix Faust, in Justice League.
Evil Bloodthirsty Brian (The Hughleys)
There’s a surprising relationship between horror icons and sitcoms, with Robert Englund being no stranger to adding a devious dose of terror to a farcical comedy. Englund shows up as a playful take on Lucifer in Married…with Children, but he also provides a genuinely chilling performance in the first season of The Hughleys. Season one’s “Storm O’ the Century” is centered around the Hughleys and Rogerses getting stranded at a seemingly haunted hotel during an intense blizzard.
“Storm O’ the Century” functions as a proper love letter to horror fans, with genre guest stars that include The Addams Family’s John Astin, The Shining’s Shelley Duvall, and Robert Englund as the comically-named Evil Bloodthirsty Brian. The episode certainly prioritizes its comedy, but it manages to also be legitimately creepy thanks to a locked-in performance by Englund. He’s used sparingly, but always to punctuate a particular scene and function as a jump scare. Evil Bloodthirsty Brian sports a ghastly scar and has a look that’s just frightening enough to be included on a ’90s sitcom. Anyone who is curious about Englund’s performance can check it out for free on Tubi.
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