Guest Blog By @Chris_Coffel

This year Jaws turns 40 and as far as I’m concerned that’s a big deal. This is what I consider to be one of the two most important movies ever made. At 40 years old Jaws is still as fresh, hip and scary as it ever was and that’s certainly worth celebrating.
 
Instead of writing about and reviewing Jaws I decided that for this birthday party I would have a Jaws-a-Thon. Over the course of 4 days I watched all 4 movies from the Jaws series. These are the random things that stuck out to me.
 
*Note: I watch Jaws once a year. Jaws 2 & 3 I hadn’t watched in who knows how long before this and somehow Jaws: The Revenge always seems to swim its way onto my TV every couple years, sort of like it’s hunting me down…just like in the movie!
 

I started off with Jaws of course, because I’m not an idiot and going in order is a must. Every time I watch Jaws I’m immediately annoyed at the type of relationship the people of Amity seem to think they have with Chief Brody. Brody is constantly harassed by every person in town over the dumbest shit. These are duties that seem below that of the chief of police. Kids karate chopping a fence? Is this the life a small town police chief is forced to live?
 
Roughly 17 minutes into the film two very important things happen. There’s arguably the most iconic shot in all of cinema. You know the one. Then there’s the death of Alex Kitner. This is when shit gets real. This is a scary and incredibly bold kill.
 
Chrissie Watkins dies first but she got into the water at night so I feel like she knew the risk. The Kitner kid though, that’s tough. He was out in bright daylight, playing in the water just like the rest of Amity. No one expects to die like that. Also he’s a child. Rarely are kids killed, whether it’s actually seen on screen or just implied. We see Kitner topple over and then an explosion of blood. It’s right up there with Assault on Precinct 13 for most jolting death scene.
 
Can the people of Amity be any worse? We already know that they think every insignificant problem of theirs should be Brody’s to solve but now after witnessing a young boy get brutally eaten by a shark they honestly have the nerve to get upset about the beach being closed?! At this point in the movie I wish for everyone in Amity not named Brody to get eaten by a shark. Mayor Vaughn truly is a mayor of the people.
 
Quint’s intro is awesome. It should be cheesy and silly, but it isn’t because Quint. My favorite part is the shark eating a child he draws on the chalk board. We don’t see him draw it, but I think it’s implied. Simply put, Quint is the best.
 
Hooper is a bit of a pompous jerk, but I like him a lot. The dude knows sharks, you can’t argue that, and a man of his expertise is most definitely needed given the circumstances. However, for the life of me, I cannot understand why he just grabs Brody’s plate of dinner. Yeah, I know, he sort of asks after taking the plate, but still. They don’t even know each other that well. I guess that’s just a bit of Hooper’s entitlement coming across.
 
Final note on Jaws is the amazing score from John Williams. It’s more than just the theme. Every note of music in the movie is perfectly executed. If the scene is tense, the music is tense. Scene is exhilarating, the music is exhilarating. Steven Spielberg and John Williams are the quintessential director-composer marriage.
 

I was actually dreading watching Jaws 2. My recollection was that from merely a technical filmmaking standpoint, it was easily the second best in the series, albeit it a far step down from the first one. However, I also remembered it to be the most boring, a re-tread of the first entry minus all the excitement.
 
Is Jaws 2 the first cash-grab sequel? I think it might be. It’s a prime example of a big studio having a hit on their hands and trying to replicate that hit to make more money but completely missing the mark on what it was that got them the big hit in the first place. Jaws 2 removes all the interesting dynamics from the first film and replaces them with more shark and screaming teens.

To make matters worse, the shark looks completely unconvincing and is so in-your-face.
Director Jeannot Szwarc doesn’t cleverly show us glimpses of the shark here and there to build any tension or suspense. He basically says, “hey everybody, check out this fake shark I have!”
 
What does the Jaws timeline look like? Brody mentions how 4 years have been thrown down the toilet when he loses his job. Using this logic we can assume that Brody has only been Police Chief of Amity for 4 years, meaning the gap between the first shark and the second is less than 4 years. This I find odd since Mike Brody looks to have aged somewhere between 6-8 years, although Sean Brody is probably only a 2-4 years older.


Aside from lacking excitement, the biggest issue I have with Jaws 2 is how they’ve ruined Brody. Brody does stupid things that the Brody from the first film would never do, but worse than that is how the townspeople treat him. They just treat him like some old kook.


I also have some serious issues with victim #4. This is the lady who thought the best way to beat a shark was to have a gasoline shower and then shoot off a flare gun in close proximity. Seriously, watch this scene again. She doesn’t accidentally dump gasoline on herself, she purposely does it. Like that was her plan all along. The scene is kind of cool, but still stupid. I was thrilled that she blew up. 

Why so many screaming teens? The last 30 minutes or so of Jaws 2 just consist of a bunch of teens screaming as they float on destroyed sailboats. This is especially bad when compared to the final act of Jaws. Jackie Peters, played by Donna Wilkes has to be the worst offender. She just loses it.

Just as I remembered, Jaws 2 is pretty terrible. With that being said, it did leave me with one question to ponder – what exactly does “tits like a sparrow” mean?

 
Jaws 3D decided to mix it up a bit and deviate from the first two films. At this point I think Universal knew it would be tricky to make a ton of money off another re-tread so they opted to go the gimmick route, thus the 3D. I actually think this is a smart idea. If you don’t have a good movie, at least provide a gimmick to distract folks.

I should point out that I did not watch this in 3D nor have I ever seen it in 3D. I actually watched all three sequels on a recent DVD release from Universal. It’s clear that Universal doesn’t care about these movies at all and just slapped them together real quick to make a few bucks. Nothing is re-mastered or anything like that which bums me out. I know they’re bad movies, but still. Come on Universal, show a little respect for your films!

In case you were unaware Jaws 3D takes place at Sea World. Not a Sea World like theme park but legit Sea World. I cannot believe Sea World signed off on this. Why would you want to put the idea that something could go horribly wrong at your theme park in the head of potential customers? The funny thing is that these days Sea World would be thrilled if their biggest problem was fear of a giant shark breaking in and wreaking havoc all throughout the park.

The first death is particularly awful. We see a lot of close in shots of what I’m not sure but I think there’s a flash of a shark’s mouth and then blood. The aftermath is the torn off arm of Mr. Muscles, which of course floats in the water and then comes right out at you so you can try and touch it like an idiot. This is one of many moments intended to capitalize on the use of 3D. The effects all look horrendously bad in a non-3D format and while I’d wager they probably looked bad in 3D, they’re probably more fun that way.

Speaking of Mr. Muscles, what are the job responsibilities of Sea World employees? Mr. Muscles, real name Shelby Overman, is one of the jet skiers, so he’s a performer. Yet he’s also the same guy in charge of welding the fence responsible for keeping Sea World’s expensive new lagoon separated from the ocean? What?!

Hey Sea World, I’m just spit-balling here, but how about hiring professional contractors when building a new exhibit at your theme park? You have to wonder if Sea World got their current business model from Jaws 3D. After all they do hire people and then declare them experts in fields in which they have zero formal training. 

This is the only film in the series that actually deals with two great white sharks. The first is a baby which gets captured and put on display for the paying customers to gawk at. This shark of course dies due to the stress of being placed in this unnatural environment – you know sort of how sea creatures really die at Sea World. Despite how extraordinarily fake this shark looks, I found its death to be quite sad. I was really pulling for the little fella.

The next shark is the momma shark and she’s a tad bit bigger and angry. She wants justice for the death of her baby, justice in the form of bloodshed! Neither shark has any trouble breaking into the park because why would they when the fence was installed by a jet skier?

Both sharks put Honey Palmer is such a tough spot. He’s forced to make some difficult decisions. You think he’d put the safety of his customers and employees first when making said decisions, but nope. The best decision is the one that is most profitable to Sea World! You know what I would have been a great money making decision that I would have paid to see? Honey Palmer fighting the shark.

Mike Brody, what’s he doing? I thought he was supposed to be our hero. He just stands around, pukes and cock blocks his brother. 

The biggest problem with Jaws 3D is that it’s so incredibly boring to start. The movie has a ridiculous plot that I’m 100% willing to get on board with, but it fails to capitalize. Where’s the fun? Once that shark is in the theme park let her go to town and just eat everything and everyone in sight. Instead we have two thirds of the movie dragged out and then when the shark finally gets to killing it goes by quick. There’s a fair amount of gore, sure, but overall a huge missed opportunity.

This less than delightful romp does end with a pretty spectacular dolphin freeze frame. That I dig, so kudos to you Jaws 3D but still I wanted more. Why didn’t you give me more?!

Jaws: The Revenge, the fourth and final film in the series, is a movie that thought so highly of itself that it decided to pretend that the events in Jaws 3D weren’t good enough to be cannon and thus don’t really exist. That’s a bold statement for any movie to make, let alone a movie of this quality. Still, you have to appreciate the moxie. 

Like every other entry in the series, Revenge opens up with an underwater shot, presumably from the shark’s POV. The first credits to appear on screen read “A Joseph Sargent Film.” Sargent was mostly a TV director, and a good one, but he also did some great theatrical releases such as The Taking of Pelham One Two Three and Nightmares, so how he turned out this mess I’ll never quite understand. 

In this chapter of the series Sean Brody is now a deputy in Amity. All these years later and he’s still copying his father. Sean doesn’t last long in this movie before getting duped and then eaten by a shark, but damn is he annoying in his brief time on screen. I’m not entirely sure of his age, I’m going to guess late 20’s but he acts like a bratty child. Did the Amity Police Department hire him on name alone? I was completely rooting for the shark to destroy him.

Revenge is also were we learn of Chief Brody’s fate. Apparently he died of a heart attack that Ellen Brody thinks was caused by a fear of sharks. That’s bullshit and a terrible way to send off one of the most badass characters to ever grace the screen. This is the same guy who spent his best years blowing sharks up! Chief Brody disliked the water and hated sharks but he would never let fear get the best of him. 

Do sharks get splinters? Four movies in and I feel like that’s a pretty valid question. These sharks have eaten a ton of wood. They’ve got to have some serious pizza mouth by now. Science should look into this.

Mario Van Peebles, bless his heart. Allegedly the Peebs wrote his own part in Jaws: The Revenge. That’s not hard to believe. His accent is bad, his hair is stupid and he says and does dumb things but I really think he’s trying harder than anyone else in the movie and because of that I appreciate what he’s doing. He also has the best fake out death scene ever. He is actually inside the shark’s mouth getting chomped up and then five minutes later he’s totally fine.

Michael Caine is the complete opposite. He doesn’t give a shit and will happily admit so. Caine is a very talented actor but I can’t imagine there was much even he could do with this script. So he took the paycheck and went through the motions.

Jaws: The Revenge really is incredible. It’s a very bad movie but not close to the worst ever. It is, however, maybe the most incompetent for a movie on this scale. This was a big movie from a major studio. Universal is big time and they were churning out some great stuff at the time so how did this happen? It’s remarkable to me that anyone involved with this film was able to get work after. With the first two sequels I think there was at least some effort to make a decent movie even if the end goal was just to make more money. With Revenge, however, the goal seems pretty clear – just throw something up on the screen that sort of resembles Jaws and bleed whatever remaining money out of it. Unfortunately, that’s a terribly sad end for this franchise.

After my Jaws-a-Thon was complete, my feelings on the four movies remained mostly unchanged. I say mostly because every time I watch Jaws I become more and more impressed with just how good it is. It’s truly one of the great films of all time. The craziest thing about it is that Spielberg was 29 when he made it. That actually makes me feel bad. I’m 29 now and I’ve done nothing.

The sequels are all pretty bad. Each one has fun moments here and there but not nearly enough to constitute as a good movie. It’s a shame because I think there was real potential with 3 and 4. These are all mostly irrelevant, however. No need to wallow in their utter disappointment. Instead take some time this summer to revisit the original. Films as good as Jaws don’t come around nearly as often as we’d like. It’s important that we celebrate the cinematic magic it created forty years ago. Happy birthday, Jaws!

Chris Coffel is a writer from Phoenix, AZ, currently living in Portland, OR. His previous work has appeared on Trashwire, Downtown Phoenix Journal, and Dark of the Matinee. Whenever possible he likes to reference Paul Simon in his writing. You can follow his tweets at @Chris_Coffel