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Backwoods (V)

“You can sit in front of a copy machine and get whaled in the head by sheet after sheet of seemingly the same shit, over and over, or you can plop yourself in front of a television screen and watch Backwoods to the same effect.”

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Backwoods is a story about a group of video game co-workers that embark on a business trip designed to sharpen their executive skills. Its introduced to the office as “Executive Tactics!” – a paintball retreat to the mountains of North Carolina – where teamwork, problem solving, and perseverance will earn the winning team an extra paycheck and a little more brown for their professional noses. They are headed into trouble, as foreshadowed by the film’s first chapter, where a couple is wiped off the face of the Earth by a team of local hunters that live in the woods. The young man is knifed on a hilltop and the young woman is dragged off, forced to mate with their chosen one, whereafter the baby is stolen, and the girl forced into submission to live among the tribe.

Enter now the office, split into two teams, Alpha and Beta, which includes Disney’s Haylie Duff (yes, Hillary Duff’s sister) and Ryan Merriman – an ensemble of victims that nestle their way into the woods the old fashioned way – they pack up vans, sit through a road trip of witty banter, unpack, hee-haw it up to some slide guitar at the local creek, then bitch and annoy and joke until the campfire smolders and someone is trying to get laid in a tent. All along, an attempt is made to bond us to the characters at stake, while the locals stalk them from afar, assessing the situation – watching and waiting for the eventual murderous dismantlement.

A healthy template of potential victims is created – an annoying pain in the ass male hardon, a couple of hotties (one of which doesn’t want to sleep her way to the top), a boss looking out for the crew, the sensitive geek who can sense what’s going on and tries to tell the others, the Asian comedy relief schlep, and the quick-tongued brother, amongst others. But by now, Backwoods has already blown its load – a dinky premature ejaculation that does nobody any good. You’d swear director Marty Weiss was at the helm of a PG-13, 7th Heaven episode gone wrong – because any time the kill presents itself (which is where the knockout blows of a horror film should lie) – we are given a gruesome implication of what happens. Nothing for our eyes to cling to.

The murders implied are violent. Being stabbed to death by a 10 inch hunting knife. Having your head caved in with several blows from a mallet. A spinal cord splitting arrow to the carotid artery. Impalement by Rambo tree traps. There are even rapes implied, and two girls are brutally taken by a towering Mickey Rourkian woodsman. This beast even smashes someone’s head into pumpkin pie with a big rock. But this is where the letdown will occur for a lot of viewers. Nothing is really shown. Remember that old trick, where someone strikes at the camera lens, and then the color of blood is painted across the entire screen? That’s what you’re going to get. That and bloody rubber sticks glued to uniforms that jiggle around when the actor moves. There’s even a point where someone gets stabbed to death with a big knife, and you can actually hear the scrunching of the prop-knife springs squeaking away, as the fake die-cast blade embeds itself repeatedly into the hilt.

If you’re wondering about Haylie Duff, she does a nice little swim scene and shows off her tight little body for those who are interested, but there’s no T&A – no gratuitous sex – nothing that’s going to excite anyone over the age of 16, in that department. And is it me, or does she yelp like a wounded hyena?

Final analysis: You can sit in front of a copy machine and get whaled in the head by sheet after sheet of seemingly the same shit, over and over, or you can plop yourself in front of a television screen and watch Backwoods to the same effect. Maybe its me, but I think we’ve seen this plot before? Or maybe drink a few bottles of non-alcohol beer in search of a buzz. Similar redundancy here. It’s a cross between The Hills Have Eyes, Hostel, Deliverance, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, decaffeinated for teens, wherein victims are hunted by back woods goons and forced to mate with Mickey Rourke (well, maybe not literally, but damn – it looks a lot like him). It has the structure of a decent slasher film, but fails to make any type of mark in the tension/terror department. (And to RipVanRyan – who recently lamented over seeing so many horror films that 90% of them fail to invoke any type of gut response now-a-days – this is not going to change things one bit.) “Backwoods” is NOT the international Gary Oldman film that came out a year or two ago – so be careful if you actually hit Amazon to make a purchase on this overpriced weakness. 2

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Editorials

Five Serial Killer Horror Movies to Watch Before ‘Longlegs’

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Pictured: 'Fallen'

Here’s what we know about Longlegs so far. It’s coming in July of 2024, it’s directed by Osgood Perkins (The Blackcoat’s Daughter), and it features Maika Monroe (It Follows) as an FBI agent who discovers a personal connection between her and a serial killer who has ties to the occult. We know that the serial killer is going to be played by none other than Nicolas Cage and that the marketing has been nothing short of cryptic excellence up to this point.

At the very least, we can assume NEON’s upcoming film is going to be a dark, horror-fueled hunt for a serial killer. With that in mind, let’s take a look at five disturbing serial killers-versus-law-enforcement stories to get us even more jacked up for Longlegs.


MEMORIES OF MURDER (2003)

This South Korean film directed by Oscar-winning director Bong Joon-ho (Parasite) is a wild ride. The film features a handful of cops who seem like total goofs investigating a serial killer who brutally murders women who are out and wearing red on rainy evenings. The cops are tired, unorganized, and border on stoner comedy levels of idiocy. The movie at first seems to have a strange level of forgiveness for these characters as they try to pin the murders on a mentally handicapped person at one point, beating him and trying to coerce him into a confession for crimes he didn’t commit. A serious cop from the big city comes down to help with the case and is able to instill order.

But still, the killer evades and provokes not only the police but an entire country as everyone becomes more unstable and paranoid with each grizzly murder and sex crime.

I’ve never seen a film with a stranger tone than Memories of Murder. A movie that deals with such serious issues but has such fallible, seemingly nonserious people at its core. As the film rolls on and more women are murdered, you realize that a lot of these faults come from men who are hopeless and desperate to catch a killer in a country that – much like in another great serial killer story, Citizen X – is doing more harm to their plight than good.

Major spoiler warning: What makes Memories of Murder somehow more haunting is that it’s loosely based on a true story. It is a story where the real-life killer hadn’t been caught at the time of the film’s release. It ends with our main character Detective Park (Song Kang-ho), now a salesman, looking hopelessly at the audience (or judgingly) as the credits roll. Over sixteen years later the killer, Lee Choon Jae, was found using DNA evidence. He was already serving a life sentence for another murder. Choon Jae even admitted to watching the film during his court case saying, “I just watched it as a movie, I had no feeling or emotion towards the movie.”

In the end, Memories of Murder is a must-see for fans of the subgenre. The film juggles an almost slapstick tone with that of a dark murder mystery and yet, in the end, works like a charm.


CURE (1997)

Longlegs serial killer Cure

If you watched 2023’s Hypnotic and thought to yourself, “A killer who hypnotizes his victims to get them to do his bidding is a pretty cool idea. I only wish it were a better movie!” Boy, do I have great news for you.

In Cure (spoilers ahead), a detective (Koji Yakusho) and forensic psychologist (Tsuyoshi Ujiki) team up to find a serial killer who’s brutally marking their victims by cutting a large “X” into their throats and chests. Not just a little “X” mind you but a big, gross, flappy one.

At each crime scene, the murderer is there and is coherent and willing to cooperate. They can remember committing the crimes but can’t remember why. Each of these murders is creepy on a cellular level because we watch the killers act out these crimes with zero emotion. They feel different than your average movie murder. Colder….meaner.

What’s going on here is that a man named Mamiya (Masato Hagiwara) is walking around and somehow manipulating people’s minds using the flame of a lighter and a strange conversational cadence to hypnotize them and convince them to murder. The detectives eventually catch him but are unable to understand the scope of what’s happening before it’s too late.

If you thought dealing with a psychopathic murderer was hard, imagine dealing with one who could convince you to go home and murder your wife. Not only is Cure amazingly filmed and edited but it has more horror elements than your average serial killer film.


MANHUNTER (1986)

Longlegs serial killer manhunter

In the first-ever Hannibal Lecter story brought in front of the cameras, Detective Will Graham (William Petersen) finds his serial killers by stepping into their headspace. This is how he caught Hannibal Lecter (played here by Brian Cox), but not without paying a price. Graham became so obsessed with his cases that he ended up having a mental breakdown.

In Manhunter, Graham not only has to deal with Lecter playing psychological games with him from behind bars but a new serial killer in Francis Dolarhyde (in a legendary performance by Tom Noonan). One who likes to wear pantyhose on his head and murder entire families so that he can feel “seen” and “accepted” in their dead eyes. At one point Lecter even finds a way to gift Graham’s home address to the new killer via personal ads in a newspaper.

Michael Mann (Heat, Thief) directed a film that was far too stylish for its time but that fans and critics both would have loved today in the same way we appreciate movies like Nightcrawler or Drive. From the soundtrack to the visuals to the in-depth psychoanalysis of an insanely disturbed protagonist and the man trying to catch him. We watch Graham completely lose his shit and unravel as he takes us through the psyche of our killer. Which is as fascinating as it is fucked.

Manhunter is a classic case of a serial killer-versus-detective story where each side of the coin is tarnished in their own way when it’s all said and done. As Detective Park put it in Memories of Murder, “What kind of detective sleeps at night?”


INSOMNIA (2002)

Insomnia Nolan

Maybe it’s because of the foggy atmosphere. Maybe it’s because it’s the only film in Christopher Nolan’s filmography he didn’t write as well as direct. But for some reason, Insomnia always feels forgotten about whenever we give Nolan his flowers for whatever his latest cinematic achievement is.

Whatever the case, I know it’s no fault of the quality of the film, because Insomnia is a certified serial killer classic that adds several unique layers to the detective/killer dynamic. One way to create an extreme sense of unease with a movie villain is to cast someone you’d never expect in the role, which is exactly what Nolan did by casting the hilarious and sweet Robin Williams as a manipulative child murderer. He capped that off by casting Al Pacino as the embattled detective hunting him down.

This dynamic was fascinating as Williams was creepy and clever in the role. He was subdued in a way that was never boring but believable. On the other side of it, Al Pacino felt as if he’d walked straight off the set of 1995’s Heat and onto this one. A broken and imperfect man trying to stop a far worse one.

Aside from the stellar acting, Insomnia stands out because of its unique setting and plot. Both working against the detective. The investigation is taking place in a part of Alaska where the sun never goes down. This creates a beautiful, nightmare atmosphere where by the end of it, Pacino’s character is like a Freddy Krueger victim in the leadup to their eventual, exhausted death as he runs around town trying to catch a serial killer while dealing with the debilitating effects of insomnia. Meanwhile, he’s under an internal affairs investigation for planting evidence to catch another child killer and accidentally shoots his partner who he just found out is about to testify against him. The kicker here is that the killer knows what happened that fateful day and is using it to blackmail Pacino’s character into letting him get away with his own crimes.

If this is the kind of “what would you do?” intrigue we get with the story from Longlegs? We’ll be in for a treat. Hoo-ah.


FALLEN (1998)

Longlegs serial killer fallen

Fallen may not be nearly as obscure as Memories of Murder or Cure. Hell, it boasts an all-star cast of Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, James Gandolfini, and Elias Koteas. But when you bring it up around anyone who has seen it, their ears perk up, and the word “underrated” usually follows. And when it comes to the occult tie-ins that Longlegs will allegedly have? Fallen may be the most appropriate film on this entire list.

In the movie, Detective Hobbs (Washington) catches vicious serial killer Edgar Reese (Koteas) who seems to place some sort of curse on him during Hobbs’ victory lap. After Reese is put to death via electric chair, dead bodies start popping up all over town with his M.O., eventually pointing towards Hobbs as the culprit. After all, Reese is dead. As Hobbs investigates he realizes that a fallen angel named Azazel is possessing human body after human body and using them to commit occult murders. It has its eyes fixated on him, his co-workers, and family members; wrecking their lives or flat-out murdering them one by one until the whole world is damned.

Mixing a demonic entity into a detective/serial killer story is fascinating because it puts our detective in the unsettling position of being the one who is hunted. How the hell do you stop a demon who can inhabit anyone they want with a mere touch?!

Fallen is a great mix of detective story and supernatural horror tale. Not only are we treated to Denzel Washington as the lead in a grim noir (complete with narration) as he uncovers this occult storyline, but we’re left with a pretty great “what would you do?” situation in a movie that isn’t afraid to take the story to some dark places. Especially when it comes to the way the film ends. It’s a great horror thriller in the same vein as Frailty but with a little more detective work mixed in.


Look for Longlegs in theaters on July 12, 2024.

Longlegs serial killer

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