It’s no secret the world is ending this year. There are just too many ways for it all to come to a crashing halt, whether it’s by alien invasion, zombie infection, nuclear fallout, or any number of other possibilities — the point is, tell your loved ones how you feel because we’re all going to die. While I’m spreading some truth sauce on you, you should know there’s a pretty good chance a majority of us will die slowly and very painfully. You could be eaten alive by the hungry undead, die of radiation sickness, or you could find yourself in an alien’s sex dungeon where it probes you daily until it grows tired of you and blasts you with its Raygun.
Once January 2013 rolls around there probably won’t be many of us left. Our once glorious civilization, founded on the idea that you can call someone a douchenozzle and not get reprimanded because everything you say online is anonymous. However, there is still some hope. Sure, most of us will meet with gruesome deaths, but there are some here that will survive. How long you survive is entirely up to how intelligent, physically fit, and resourceful you are. If you’d like to increase your chances of making it in the inevitable apocalypse, here are ten games coming out this year that can help you out.
Release Date: Q2 2012
Besides being the main attraction of Xbox Live’s House Party (right alongside Alan Wake’s American Nightmare) that debuts next month, I Am Alive is a post-apocalyptic tale of surviving in a world that’s been decimated by a cataclysmic event that leaves few alive. So far, the game looks like a creepy, atmospheric take on the genre — similar to the Metro series, and even looks a little reminiscent of Silent Hill. It’s also a more realistic take on the genre, so you’re bound to learn how to the resource you need to survive, ya know, the important things like food, water, and porn.
Release Date: Q4 2012
The Last of Us made its glorious — and surprising — debut at the Spike VGAs last month, and while we might know next to nothing about it, the simple fact that it’s being developed by Uncharted developer Naughty Dog is enough of a reason to get excited. What makes it a little more exciting is it takes place in a world where human civilization has been all but wiped out by something (I’m guessing some sort of mutant form of Cordyceps) and now it’s up to an unshaven man and Ellen Page to survive in a hostile world brimming with Smokers.
If you didn’t get that, don’t worry, just know that there are some Left 4 Dead fans who are nodding approvingly at their computer monitors right now.
Release Date: Q3 2012
Lara Croft is getting another makeover, and this time it doesn’t include the addition of more polygons to her torso area. Gone is the cheeky super-chick who runs around tombs shooting stuff while uttering the occasional witty one-liner. That’s since been replaced by a younger and more innocent Lara, a Lara who soon finds herself in a situation that would make a grown man poo himself. A survival horror approach might not have worked for every series that tries to dive into the genre (I’m looking at you, Red Faction), but this looks promising.
Release Date: Q2 2012
If you haven’t had the opportunity to play Metro 2033 than you are officially a total asshole. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s an amazing game you can get for super cheap, so really, there’s no reason not to give it a go. Some of the issues that plagued the original included a frustrating AI and some poor gunplay, but both of those are likely to have been fixed now that THQ’s throwing more money and time into it. If Last Light is even half as atmospheric and unsettling as the 2033, it’ll be a memorable game.
Release Date: April 2012
I’m pretty sure TJ goes to be each night with a pillow next to him that has a screenshot of The Secret World taped to it. I picture him kissing it gently and cooing softly into its fluffy, goose down ear but three words… “Soon, my love.” Then he falls asleep while dreaming about all the things he’ll do to it when it finally comes out in just a few short months.
So yeah, this game looks great, but TJ wants it in his mouth. All I’m saying is if you see him in a GameStop on launch date and there’s only one copy left, watch yourself.
Release Date: September 1, 2012
I loved the hell out of Borderlands, and come September, there’s a pretty good chance you won’t be hearing from me for some time as I roam those gorgeous cel-shaded vistas in search of the ultimate bounty. With new characters, weapons, skills, weapons, quests, and weapons, Borderlands is shaping up to be one of the most exciting games of the year.
Release Date: February 14, 2012
Since there’s a possibility you’ll be chased a lot in the coming apocalypse, it’s good to cover all your bases. You see, for some of the less active people among us, too much running can be an issue that even the mightiest of inhalers cannot solve. Thankfully, Twisted Metal will soon be here to teach us all how to drive really angry. Not angry in the same way that every time I got in a car with my dad the entire drive would be filled with him cursing at every other person on the road — this is the type of angry where you get to ruin other drivers with your heavily armed super-vehicle. Did someone just cut you off? Shove a rocket up their ass.
Release Date: March 20, 2012
Admit it, you saw this one coming. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out, and even after seeing a ton of screenshots and gameplay, I just can’t tell. It could surprise us all and be a fantastic squad-based Resident Evil, or it could suck real hard. I’m hoping on the former while I prepare myself mentally for the latter. At the very least it lets you throw that whole established timeline thing out the window so you can kill major characters like Resident Evil 4’s Leon Kennedy. You can even do it as HUNK. That alone pretty much pays for the $60 asking price.
Release Date: TBA 2012
Every once in a while a game comes along that is just so fucking weird that you have no choice but to love it. If you know who Goichi Suda, or Suda51 is, then you probably know that roughly 90% of the weird game market is the product of that crazy bastard. No More Heroes, Killer7, Shadows of the Damned — they all came from that guy. His next project is Lollipop Chainsaw, also known as that game with the best title ever, and believe it or not, it actually looks like it’ll be more bizarre than its title suggests. You have a chainsaw-wielding cheerleader who kicks zombie ass with her cheer moves (and the chainsaw, naturally) while being aided by a disembodied head.
Oh, and there’s totally an evil geek goth who’s also the cause of all this crazy. Delicious.
Release Date: “It’s out when it’s out.” – Blizzard
I saved this one for last because I’m positive that when it does come out, it’s going to blow everyone away, set a new bar for dungeon crawling RPGs, and completely ruin my social life. The weird thing is, I haven’t really had a social life since Skyrim came out, so I can’t afford to spend even more time gaming. It just isn’t healthy. Oh well. I can always justify the inordinate amount of time I spend with this game as a way to prepare for the end of the world. If the 2012 doomsday is of the religious variety, playing Diablo III will teach me how to be a badass demon hunter.
What about you? Out of these ten tasty titles, which are you most looking forward to?