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10 Strange Things You’d Better Not Eat or Drink!

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Admit it, foodies, deep inside there’s a tiny little part of you that loves to feast on these random lists of horror classics just as much as a ravenous zombie loves to feast on the bloody intestines of a freshly butchered human being… so why dontcha just open up your hungry mouths and take a huge bite out of this totally nonobjective (but hopefully all the more entertaining) list of strange and weird substances you’d better not eat or drink under any circumstances at all… bon appetite!

10 Strange Things You’d Better Not Eat or Drink!

10. Demon Blood (from SUPERNATURAL, 2005-2010, created by Eric Kripke)


Honestly guys, can you think of a lamer way to kick of such a list than starting it with an entry that hardly anything can be said about at all!? Well, at least I can’t… but I’d like to stick to it anyway, cause after all SUPERNATURAL is still one of the coolest horror/mystery shows out there and being a total fan of the Winchester boys, it just wouldn’t feel right to me to leave ‘em outta here for good. On the other hand, it would feel just as wrong to me to spoil one of the show’s major angles for all those of you who haven’t seen it yet and hence I will neither go into detail on the whole demon blood thingie nor will I give you any cool pics that would reveal too much… all I’m gonna say is this: demon blood is a very bad son-of-a-bitch and when push comes to shove you really wouldn’t wanna have that sucker running through your curcuits at all!

9. Meat Pies with Rabies (from I DRINK YOUR BLOOD, 1970, directed by David E. Durston)


Here’s the million dollar question: Imagine you’re a little kid and you gotta witness firsthand how a gang of devil-worshipping hippies rape your sister, drug your grandpa and spread fear and havoc in your town just for kicks ‘n fun. What would you do to pay those bastards back? Yeah, you’re right, there’s only on way to give ‘em what they deserve and that’s what little Pete did in David E. Durston’s exploitation classic I DRINK YOUR BLOOD from 1970… he extracted the diseased blood of a rabid dog, infused it in the meat pies in his mommy’s baker shop and sold ‘em to the rowdies dirt cheap… with consequences he’d never even dreamed of!

8. Anaconda Malt Liquor (from BLACK DYNAMITE, 2009, directed by Scott Sanders)


If you’re a white guy, you don’t have to worry at all and can drink as much Anaconda Malt Liquor as you want. But if you’re black, you’d better stay as far away as possible from this devilish liquid! Unless, of course, you’re eager to see your boa constrictor turn into a slow-worm within just a couple of hours… dammit, those sly ‘n sleazy republicans really outdid themselves this time when it comes to setting up a truely fiendish conspiracy. Thanks God there’s still one highly explosive muthafucka out there who’s got the muscles, the guts and the will to put an end to their evil doings and make sure not a single bottle of Anaconda Malt Liquor will ever get sold on this planet again. Can you dig it, sucka?

7. Green Stuff (from TROLL 2, 1990, directed by Claudio Fragasso)


Just in case you ever decide to spend your holidays in a peculiar little town called Nilbog, there’s really only one advice you gotta keep in mind. No matter how yummy they might look, never—under any circumstances—eat any of the viciously green things the locals are going to offer you for dinner… or you’ll end up as slimey, vegan-based Troll food faster than you can say “My dad will cut off your little nuts and eat them!”

6. Poisoned Candybars (from TRICK ‘R TREAT, 2008, directed by Michael Dougherty)


If you play by the rules and don’t upsaid any witches, warlocks and ghosties, Halloween’s one helluva night of fun and excitement… however, if you’re a grumbly brat who doesn’t dress up, smashes pumpkins and steals candy, it’s gonna be slightly less enjoyable. Especially if the candybars you’ve stolen are poisoned and the fountain of vomit, that’s about to erupt from your mouth after you’ve eaten them, is the least thing you gotta worry about, cause the real nightmare is only about to start after you’ve passed out…

5. Forbidden Fruits (from PAN’S LABYRINTH, 2006, directed by Guillermo Del Toro)


C’mon! If there’s anything you should have learned from the bible, it’s never ever to taste a forbidden fruit, no matter how delicious it may look! Well, at least in the bible all that Eve got for her faux-pas was getting kicked out of paradise for good, which is a rather mild punishment compared to what little Ophelia had to endure after she ate a forbidden grape in Guillermo Del Toro’s surreal fright’n’fantasy epic PAN’S LABYRINTH… cause all of a sudden the poor girl had a creepy, fairy-eating fiend with eyes in his hands hard on your heels and God knows what that creature would have done to her if he had gotten her into his spikey fingers!?

4. Cursed Poultry (from POULTRYGEIST, 2006, directed by Lloyd Kaufman)


Fried chicken is awesome! But only if the restaurant that sells it hasn’t been build on an ancient Tromahawk indian graveyard. Cause in that case the restless spirits of the deceased natives might think it’s a good idea to haunt the place and curse the food in such a way that whoever eats it will turn into a blood-thristy chicken zombie faster than he can say “Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!” And if there’s one thing everybody and his mother knows about chicken zombies, it’s that they are really unpleasant fellas through and through who noone really likes around at all!

3. Himalayan Yogurt (from SLIME CITY, 1988, directed by Greg Lamberson)


If there’s one thing you should have learned from watching TROLL 2, it’s never ever to eat anything green. Well, if only the film had been made three years ealier, then SLIME CITY’s charming protagonist Alex could have watched it and maybe he would have said no when his shady neighbour Roman sealed his fate once and for all by offering him a yummy cup of suspiciously greenish himalayan yogurt, a weird substance whose secret ingredient is the ectoplasm of a crazy cult leader who commited suicide years ago and who now takes possession of Alex’ body step by step and turns him into an unsightly slimefreak with a constant urge to kill… believe me, unless you’re a really crazy bastard, you definitely don’t want this to happen to you at all!

2. Water from the Wrong Grail (from INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, 1989, directed by Steven Spielberg)


Yeah, I know, strictly speaking INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE is as far from being a horror movie than it can get, but who cares. Cause at the end of the day, good ol’ Indy is still one of the coolest characters to ever crack the whip at the silverscreen, so I hope you’re not gonna be too mad at me for including this legendary scene from his third cinematic adventure here in this list as well. And let’s face it, what can be more frightening then taking a sip of water from a not-so-holy fake-grail and, instead of becoming immortal, turning age-old within just a matter of seconds… guess in such a case all that can still be said is “You chose poor…”

1. Viper (from STREET TRASH, 1987, directed by Jim Muro)


If there’s one thing that every horror fan knows to avoid like the plague and keep out of their mouths at any cost, it’s a devilish brew called Viper. Honestly fellas, don’t let the “one buck a bottle” offer fool you cause once you’ve taken a single sip of this hellish liquid, you can kiss your ass goodbye in the most cruel and horrible ways imaginable… your belly might inflate til you explode, your whole body might melt til nothing but a puddle of molten flesh is left or your burning skin might peel right off of your skull. Noone can say exactly what would happen to you if you’d pour some Viper down your throat, the only thing that’s for sure is that it’s gonna get pretty damn messy and that you wouldn’t like the outcome one single bit! So the next time you wanna get hammered, chose whatever hootch you can lay your hands on… just make sure it ain’t some goddam Viper!

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Editorials

Five Serial Killer Horror Movies to Watch Before ‘Longlegs’

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Pictured: 'Fallen'

Here’s what we know about Longlegs so far. It’s coming in July of 2024, it’s directed by Osgood Perkins (The Blackcoat’s Daughter), and it features Maika Monroe (It Follows) as an FBI agent who discovers a personal connection between her and a serial killer who has ties to the occult. We know that the serial killer is going to be played by none other than Nicolas Cage and that the marketing has been nothing short of cryptic excellence up to this point.

At the very least, we can assume NEON’s upcoming film is going to be a dark, horror-fueled hunt for a serial killer. With that in mind, let’s take a look at five disturbing serial killers-versus-law-enforcement stories to get us even more jacked up for Longlegs.


MEMORIES OF MURDER (2003)

This South Korean film directed by Oscar-winning director Bong Joon-ho (Parasite) is a wild ride. The film features a handful of cops who seem like total goofs investigating a serial killer who brutally murders women who are out and wearing red on rainy evenings. The cops are tired, unorganized, and border on stoner comedy levels of idiocy. The movie at first seems to have a strange level of forgiveness for these characters as they try to pin the murders on a mentally handicapped person at one point, beating him and trying to coerce him into a confession for crimes he didn’t commit. A serious cop from the big city comes down to help with the case and is able to instill order.

But still, the killer evades and provokes not only the police but an entire country as everyone becomes more unstable and paranoid with each grizzly murder and sex crime.

I’ve never seen a film with a stranger tone than Memories of Murder. A movie that deals with such serious issues but has such fallible, seemingly nonserious people at its core. As the film rolls on and more women are murdered, you realize that a lot of these faults come from men who are hopeless and desperate to catch a killer in a country that – much like in another great serial killer story, Citizen X – is doing more harm to their plight than good.

Major spoiler warning: What makes Memories of Murder somehow more haunting is that it’s loosely based on a true story. It is a story where the real-life killer hadn’t been caught at the time of the film’s release. It ends with our main character Detective Park (Song Kang-ho), now a salesman, looking hopelessly at the audience (or judgingly) as the credits roll. Over sixteen years later the killer, Lee Choon Jae, was found using DNA evidence. He was already serving a life sentence for another murder. Choon Jae even admitted to watching the film during his court case saying, “I just watched it as a movie, I had no feeling or emotion towards the movie.”

In the end, Memories of Murder is a must-see for fans of the subgenre. The film juggles an almost slapstick tone with that of a dark murder mystery and yet, in the end, works like a charm.


CURE (1997)

Longlegs serial killer Cure

If you watched 2023’s Hypnotic and thought to yourself, “A killer who hypnotizes his victims to get them to do his bidding is a pretty cool idea. I only wish it were a better movie!” Boy, do I have great news for you.

In Cure (spoilers ahead), a detective (Koji Yakusho) and forensic psychologist (Tsuyoshi Ujiki) team up to find a serial killer who’s brutally marking their victims by cutting a large “X” into their throats and chests. Not just a little “X” mind you but a big, gross, flappy one.

At each crime scene, the murderer is there and is coherent and willing to cooperate. They can remember committing the crimes but can’t remember why. Each of these murders is creepy on a cellular level because we watch the killers act out these crimes with zero emotion. They feel different than your average movie murder. Colder….meaner.

What’s going on here is that a man named Mamiya (Masato Hagiwara) is walking around and somehow manipulating people’s minds using the flame of a lighter and a strange conversational cadence to hypnotize them and convince them to murder. The detectives eventually catch him but are unable to understand the scope of what’s happening before it’s too late.

If you thought dealing with a psychopathic murderer was hard, imagine dealing with one who could convince you to go home and murder your wife. Not only is Cure amazingly filmed and edited but it has more horror elements than your average serial killer film.


MANHUNTER (1986)

Longlegs serial killer manhunter

In the first-ever Hannibal Lecter story brought in front of the cameras, Detective Will Graham (William Petersen) finds his serial killers by stepping into their headspace. This is how he caught Hannibal Lecter (played here by Brian Cox), but not without paying a price. Graham became so obsessed with his cases that he ended up having a mental breakdown.

In Manhunter, Graham not only has to deal with Lecter playing psychological games with him from behind bars but a new serial killer in Francis Dolarhyde (in a legendary performance by Tom Noonan). One who likes to wear pantyhose on his head and murder entire families so that he can feel “seen” and “accepted” in their dead eyes. At one point Lecter even finds a way to gift Graham’s home address to the new killer via personal ads in a newspaper.

Michael Mann (Heat, Thief) directed a film that was far too stylish for its time but that fans and critics both would have loved today in the same way we appreciate movies like Nightcrawler or Drive. From the soundtrack to the visuals to the in-depth psychoanalysis of an insanely disturbed protagonist and the man trying to catch him. We watch Graham completely lose his shit and unravel as he takes us through the psyche of our killer. Which is as fascinating as it is fucked.

Manhunter is a classic case of a serial killer-versus-detective story where each side of the coin is tarnished in their own way when it’s all said and done. As Detective Park put it in Memories of Murder, “What kind of detective sleeps at night?”


INSOMNIA (2002)

Insomnia Nolan

Maybe it’s because of the foggy atmosphere. Maybe it’s because it’s the only film in Christopher Nolan’s filmography he didn’t write as well as direct. But for some reason, Insomnia always feels forgotten about whenever we give Nolan his flowers for whatever his latest cinematic achievement is.

Whatever the case, I know it’s no fault of the quality of the film, because Insomnia is a certified serial killer classic that adds several unique layers to the detective/killer dynamic. One way to create an extreme sense of unease with a movie villain is to cast someone you’d never expect in the role, which is exactly what Nolan did by casting the hilarious and sweet Robin Williams as a manipulative child murderer. He capped that off by casting Al Pacino as the embattled detective hunting him down.

This dynamic was fascinating as Williams was creepy and clever in the role. He was subdued in a way that was never boring but believable. On the other side of it, Al Pacino felt as if he’d walked straight off the set of 1995’s Heat and onto this one. A broken and imperfect man trying to stop a far worse one.

Aside from the stellar acting, Insomnia stands out because of its unique setting and plot. Both working against the detective. The investigation is taking place in a part of Alaska where the sun never goes down. This creates a beautiful, nightmare atmosphere where by the end of it, Pacino’s character is like a Freddy Krueger victim in the leadup to their eventual, exhausted death as he runs around town trying to catch a serial killer while dealing with the debilitating effects of insomnia. Meanwhile, he’s under an internal affairs investigation for planting evidence to catch another child killer and accidentally shoots his partner who he just found out is about to testify against him. The kicker here is that the killer knows what happened that fateful day and is using it to blackmail Pacino’s character into letting him get away with his own crimes.

If this is the kind of “what would you do?” intrigue we get with the story from Longlegs? We’ll be in for a treat. Hoo-ah.


FALLEN (1998)

Longlegs serial killer fallen

Fallen may not be nearly as obscure as Memories of Murder or Cure. Hell, it boasts an all-star cast of Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, James Gandolfini, and Elias Koteas. But when you bring it up around anyone who has seen it, their ears perk up, and the word “underrated” usually follows. And when it comes to the occult tie-ins that Longlegs will allegedly have? Fallen may be the most appropriate film on this entire list.

In the movie, Detective Hobbs (Washington) catches vicious serial killer Edgar Reese (Koteas) who seems to place some sort of curse on him during Hobbs’ victory lap. After Reese is put to death via electric chair, dead bodies start popping up all over town with his M.O., eventually pointing towards Hobbs as the culprit. After all, Reese is dead. As Hobbs investigates he realizes that a fallen angel named Azazel is possessing human body after human body and using them to commit occult murders. It has its eyes fixated on him, his co-workers, and family members; wrecking their lives or flat-out murdering them one by one until the whole world is damned.

Mixing a demonic entity into a detective/serial killer story is fascinating because it puts our detective in the unsettling position of being the one who is hunted. How the hell do you stop a demon who can inhabit anyone they want with a mere touch?!

Fallen is a great mix of detective story and supernatural horror tale. Not only are we treated to Denzel Washington as the lead in a grim noir (complete with narration) as he uncovers this occult storyline, but we’re left with a pretty great “what would you do?” situation in a movie that isn’t afraid to take the story to some dark places. Especially when it comes to the way the film ends. It’s a great horror thriller in the same vein as Frailty but with a little more detective work mixed in.


Look for Longlegs in theaters on July 12, 2024.

Longlegs serial killer

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