Admit it, foodies, deep inside there’s a tiny little part of you that loves to feast on these random lists of horror classics just as much as a ravenous zombie loves to feast on the bloody intestines of a freshly butchered human being… so why dontcha just open up your hungry mouths and take a huge bite out of this totally nonobjective (but hopefully all the more entertaining) list of strange and weird substances you’d better not eat or drink under any circumstances at all… bon appetite!
Honestly guys, can you think of a lamer way to kick of such a list than starting it with an entry that hardly anything can be said about at all!? Well, at least I can’t… but I’d like to stick to it anyway, cause after all SUPERNATURAL is still one of the coolest horror/mystery shows out there and being a total fan of the Winchester boys, it just wouldn’t feel right to me to leave ‘em outta here for good. On the other hand, it would feel just as wrong to me to spoil one of the show’s major angles for all those of you who haven’t seen it yet and hence I will neither go into detail on the whole demon blood thingie nor will I give you any cool pics that would reveal too much… all I’m gonna say is this: demon blood is a very bad son-of-a-bitch and when push comes to shove you really wouldn’t wanna have that sucker running through your curcuits at all!
Here’s the million dollar question: Imagine you’re a little kid and you gotta witness firsthand how a gang of devil-worshipping hippies rape your sister, drug your grandpa and spread fear and havoc in your town just for kicks ‘n fun. What would you do to pay those bastards back? Yeah, you’re right, there’s only on way to give ‘em what they deserve and that’s what little Pete did in David E. Durston’s exploitation classic I DRINK YOUR BLOOD from 1970… he extracted the diseased blood of a rabid dog, infused it in the meat pies in his mommy’s baker shop and sold ‘em to the rowdies dirt cheap… with consequences he’d never even dreamed of!
If you’re a white guy, you don’t have to worry at all and can drink as much Anaconda Malt Liquor as you want. But if you’re black, you’d better stay as far away as possible from this devilish liquid! Unless, of course, you’re eager to see your boa constrictor turn into a slow-worm within just a couple of hours… dammit, those sly ‘n sleazy republicans really outdid themselves this time when it comes to setting up a truely fiendish conspiracy. Thanks God there’s still one highly explosive muthafucka out there who’s got the muscles, the guts and the will to put an end to their evil doings and make sure not a single bottle of Anaconda Malt Liquor will ever get sold on this planet again. Can you dig it, sucka?
Just in case you ever decide to spend your holidays in a peculiar little town called Nilbog, there’s really only one advice you gotta keep in mind. No matter how yummy they might look, never—under any circumstances—eat any of the viciously green things the locals are going to offer you for dinner… or you’ll end up as slimey, vegan-based Troll food faster than you can say “My dad will cut off your little nuts and eat them!”
If you play by the rules and don’t upsaid any witches, warlocks and ghosties, Halloween’s one helluva night of fun and excitement… however, if you’re a grumbly brat who doesn’t dress up, smashes pumpkins and steals candy, it’s gonna be slightly less enjoyable. Especially if the candybars you’ve stolen are poisoned and the fountain of vomit, that’s about to erupt from your mouth after you’ve eaten them, is the least thing you gotta worry about, cause the real nightmare is only about to start after you’ve passed out…
C’mon! If there’s anything you should have learned from the bible, it’s never ever to taste a forbidden fruit, no matter how delicious it may look! Well, at least in the bible all that Eve got for her faux-pas was getting kicked out of paradise for good, which is a rather mild punishment compared to what little Ophelia had to endure after she ate a forbidden grape in Guillermo Del Toro’s surreal fright’n’fantasy epic PAN’S LABYRINTH… cause all of a sudden the poor girl had a creepy, fairy-eating fiend with eyes in his hands hard on your heels and God knows what that creature would have done to her if he had gotten her into his spikey fingers!?
Fried chicken is awesome! But only if the restaurant that sells it hasn’t been build on an ancient Tromahawk indian graveyard. Cause in that case the restless spirits of the deceased natives might think it’s a good idea to haunt the place and curse the food in such a way that whoever eats it will turn into a blood-thristy chicken zombie faster than he can say “Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!” And if there’s one thing everybody and his mother knows about chicken zombies, it’s that they are really unpleasant fellas through and through who noone really likes around at all!
If there’s one thing you should have learned from watching TROLL 2, it’s never ever to eat anything green. Well, if only the film had been made three years ealier, then SLIME CITY’s charming protagonist Alex could have watched it and maybe he would have said no when his shady neighbour Roman sealed his fate once and for all by offering him a yummy cup of suspiciously greenish himalayan yogurt, a weird substance whose secret ingredient is the ectoplasm of a crazy cult leader who commited suicide years ago and who now takes possession of Alex’ body step by step and turns him into an unsightly slimefreak with a constant urge to kill… believe me, unless you’re a really crazy bastard, you definitely don’t want this to happen to you at all!
Yeah, I know, strictly speaking INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE is as far from being a horror movie than it can get, but who cares. Cause at the end of the day, good ol’ Indy is still one of the coolest characters to ever crack the whip at the silverscreen, so I hope you’re not gonna be too mad at me for including this legendary scene from his third cinematic adventure here in this list as well. And let’s face it, what can be more frightening then taking a sip of water from a not-so-holy fake-grail and, instead of becoming immortal, turning age-old within just a matter of seconds… guess in such a case all that can still be said is “You chose poor…”
If there’s one thing that every horror fan knows to avoid like the plague and keep out of their mouths at any cost, it’s a devilish brew called Viper. Honestly fellas, don’t let the “one buck a bottle” offer fool you cause once you’ve taken a single sip of this hellish liquid, you can kiss your ass goodbye in the most cruel and horrible ways imaginable… your belly might inflate til you explode, your whole body might melt til nothing but a puddle of molten flesh is left or your burning skin might peel right off of your skull. Noone can say exactly what would happen to you if you’d pour some Viper down your throat, the only thing that’s for sure is that it’s gonna get pretty damn messy and that you wouldn’t like the outcome one single bit! So the next time you wanna get hammered, chose whatever hootch you can lay your hands on… just make sure it ain’t some goddam Viper!