Horror movies can be outstanding in the right hands (Kubrick, Scott, Polanski). And can also be a lot of fun if done right (Raimi, Jackson). These picks have none of those qualities.
Instead, the flicks I’ve chosen are a wasteland of disappointment and opportunity lost. It goes to show that there are a lot of ways to screw up a film and that there are always individuals / studios out there willing to do just that. The films range from a cringe-inducing horror comedy based on a solidly hilarious comic, an angst-ridden bastardization of a famous fairy tale, to a mind-boggling suckfest that might be the worst film of the decade so far. These five films should exercise the right to remain silent (and unseen)…forever.
It’s okay to not like stuff that sucks. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like others out there must not buy into this film and it’s purposefully over-the-top shock jock propaganda. And I’m not some middle America housewife who spends her free time picketing against Marilyn Manson. I love gore, blood, evil doctors, and butt-sewing as much as the next guy, but I found nothing in this film worthwhile. A stylistic turd is still a turd and controversy for controversy sake is obnoxious.
The least funny horror comedy of the year. I remember thinking to myself wile watching, “This movie would be better with Paris Hilton in it” and at around the hour mark, “I wonder what’s on reality TV tonight?”
I attempted, in good faith, to watch this movie again after I fell asleep during the first viewing, because of what I assume was my body shutting itself down due to excessive teen angst. Moral of that story is this movie was even worse the second time around. I have the feeling that I probably should have watched a trailer or listened to everyone EVER that this movie was garbage.
It’s the movie that bravely supports kitten abuse. Hilarious stuff. It’s of importance to note that the target audience for this movie is teenage girls who judge each other by what “hot guy team” they drool over. It’s not meant to be taken seriously by adults with brains. Minka Kelly and Cam Gigandet (30ish playing an underclassmen) should be taken behind a woodshed and flogged for their performances. The flogging should be televised and free sandwiches should be handed out for those who attend in person.
To call Creature bad would not be accurate. It’s stupendously, stunningly, staggeringly bad. B.A.D. If you like horror films with pesky things like coherent plots, remotely believable characters, on screen kills or even the smallest nugget of a redeeming quality you need to look elsewhere. Creature is the Ed Hardy of horror films. I don’t know; maybe if you drink a bunch of Jaeger bombs while tanning with your Brosephs this fun tunnel of a movie would totally crush. The cast is the most unlikeable bunch of asshats this side of Altitude, who inexplicably are ALL still alive an hour plus into the movie. A remarkably moronic ending finally puts this movie down for the count. But hey, at least no one fell for this nonsense. Creature has the dubious honor of the worst EVER opening for a wide release – with less than six people attending each showing the first weekend. While audiences weren’t fooled, this movie is an embarrassment to the genre and horror fans alike. Blerg. The only question is: Is it bad enough to be become successful midnight movie?
2011 Honorees and Accolades:
Movie So Bad I Forgot About It Until After This Article Was Already Submitted: Hellraiser: Revelations. Words like terribad were invented for films like this one. Then again, should we have expected more from a movie that was made, in two weeks, solely to save the rights to the franchise by the studio? Clive Barker said it best when he declared that this movie was nor from his mind or his a**hole. Ouch.
Not Quite Top 10: Monsters, Undocumented, The Yellow Sea, Seconds Apart and Snowtown.
TV That Sucked, Then Became Awesome: American Horror Story. The first few episodes felt like corporal punishment, but then, like a Phoenix rising out the ashes, sh*t got real…good. The same can be said of True Blood’s finale episode, which nearly redeemed an entire season of suck in one fell swoop.
Biggest Flop of the Year: Remakes, Prequels and Remakequels. None of the many big-budget studio cash grabs did anything for me. Most just made me want to perform a memory lobotomy that would allow me to forget I wasted my time and money. Case in point, I’ve had Arby’s meals that were more memorable than Fright Night 3D or The Thing.
Biggest Disappointment: Piranha 3DD. Since the moment the credits rolled on Piranha 3D I’ve been excited to get back to the fishy action. C’mon, Ving Rhames asks someone to “bring me my legs” in the hilarious trailer for the sequel. That’s tough to beat. All I wanted for this holiday season was for someone to bring me a sequel to my favorite cheese ball horror flick of 2010. Studio. Release. Fail. P.S. Shark Night 3D only made my longing for 3D piranhas attacking big boobed bloody bimbos worse.
Best Disc Release:Island of the Lost Souls from The Criterion Collection. Beautiful in every possible way.
Best Use of Breaking the 4th Wall: Rubber. The movie itself was a little too discombobulated to check in as one of my faves of the year, but it was certainly one of the most inventive. Plus, who doesn’t like telekinetic head explosions?
Best Gimmick: Oscillating Camera in Paranormal Activity 3. Nothing else came close to causing as many white-knuckling, heart-stopping moments. You could literally feel the tension grow with each mechanical swoop the damn thing made.