[LOL] The Ultimate Definition Guide To Most Forms Of Metal

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This was sent to me by some amazing people and I absolutely HAD to share this with you. It’s a list of different metal genres (and a few non-metal ones tacked on at the end) along with a description so that people can understand the difference between them. On top of being incredibly useful for those friends and family who just don’t “get it”, it’s also incredibly funny. My two personal favorites are “Speed Metal” and “Grind Metal”. Check out the list below and get to laughing!

Now, readers, I’ve got a two requests for you: The first is to leave a comment with your favorites. The second is, if you want, to also add in any other genre/descriptions that you think should be added to this list. Then, we can put together the definitive music genre guide! We have the power!!!

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f*cks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f*cks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave…….. without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f*cks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f*cks the princess and kills her.Then he f*cks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f*cks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f*cks it for the last time.

* GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

* GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in Hell’s eternity.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the ’HEAVY METAL’ protagonist.

* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to “thank” the protagonist he replies, “Sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.”

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

* BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

* GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn’t get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won’t go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha’s due to the over consumption of white cider.

* POP-PUNK
The dragon can’t eat the protagonist because he can’t catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won’t f*ck him either, because he likes ska.

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  • Taboo

    WTF did I just read O.O

    I listen to most of those genres, but my library consists mostly of Doom/Black and Death Metal.

  • FatGod

    Didn’t have a favorite, they all cracked me up.
    Why is everyone always hatin on grind though? haha.
    It’s almost as if metalheads who don’t dig grind hear it the way people who like mainstream rock hear metal.

    Besides, it’s completely inaccurate, most grind songs are WAY shorter than 2 minutes, haha.

    I honestly can’t think of any other metal sub-genres, but since they mentioned pop-punk…..

    Oi! Punk – Protagonist with a shaved head shouting “:OI! OI! OI! OI!” drinks until he pukes on the dragon and passes out, the dragon eats him and catches a buzz, the princess rolls her eyes in disgust.

    Crust Punk – Protagonist with a mohawk who hasn’t showered in a month flips the dragon off and spits on him yelling “Fascist!!!”, the dragon eats him but later dies from all the safety pins in his digestive tract, the princess puts away the incense and thanks God that he didn’t make it into the castle

    Any other punk fans wanna contribute to this list?

  • diapers

    For Viking Metal, perchance the protagonists’ hordes would also sack and burn down the nearby village.

  • CthulhuZappa

    I liked this, but I don’t agree with the doom metal one. It should be:
    Protagonist arrives at castle, smokes a ton of hash and wanders off without ever seeing the dragon.

    • FatGod

      Haha, different types of Doom Metal.
      Stoner Rock is just a subgenre.
      The one in this list is just the depressing “I hate all humans, life sucks, but i’m too lazy to commit suicide” Doom Metal (like “Grief”)

  • Darkness69

    Still cracking up about all of these! Great article, thanks!

  • Nabe666

    Porn Grind
    The Protagonist arives.Once it is blinded by a massive spray of semen,the dragon is beaten to death with a shit encrusted dick. The princess(a parapelegic)is spun like a record round and round on the cock of the protagonist until she is bloody and gaping. Protagonist rides into the sunset with a shit eating grin.

    • FatGod

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Brilliant dude.