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Adam Bravely Fought Off The Ninjas To Bring You This Review Of An Absinthe Lollipop
If you haven’t heard of Lolliphile than you obviously aren’t a lollipop connoisseur like myself. They don’t just make lollipops, they make art. Each one is distinct and unique, and if the two flavors I’ve tasted are any indication, they’re super flavorful. I didn’t know you could cram that much flavor into such a small amount of space, but Lolliphile’s elite team of lolliscientists have done an extraordinary job of doing just that. The two flavors I decided to try this time are Maple Bacon and Absinthe, read my thoughts after the break.
Let’s kick things off with the Maple Bacon lolli (“lolli” is what the hipsters call them). I love maple, especially when it’s in its delicious syrupy form and paired with a pancake or waffle. I’ve also been known to enjoy bacon, which I’ll consume in pretty much any form. Slap it on anything and I’m game, I always say.
You would think that combining the two would make for an instant winner, right? Not really, no. It’s actually too flavorful, and this excess of flavor essentially overwhelms the taste buds causing them to go comatose while their friends and family are forced to sit and wait for the adorable taste bud doctor (he has a mini stethoscope and everything) to come out of the ER with news of their comrade’s condition.
So many words came to mind while I was trying, and failing, to enjoy this lolli. For the first 5-6 seconds — this is in no way a scientific measurement as Mr. Disgusting wouldn’t lend me the official Bloody Disgusting Flavor Squad for this review so I had to go by my own experiences — it’s actually quite good. Then, like a Michael Bay Transformer, it undergoes this hideous CG transformation sequence where you have no fucking clue what’s going on on-screen, err, in your mouth. All you know is you need it out, and you need it out right now.
The Maple half, being the attention whore that it is, totally overwhelms the Bacon. I signed up for a Maple Bacon lolli, dude. Not this Frankenstein-esque monster of a sweet that wants to drown me in the lake filled with its own flavor. Also, in case you were wondering, the bacon is kosher since it’s made with Bacon Salt. For all the vegans who enjoy the sweet thrill of taste bud genocide, feel free to dig in.
I see you sneering at your computer screen, preparing a nasty comment in your mind because I teased you with the review of an Absinthe lolli and so far I’ve only discussed my Maple Bacon flavored adventure. Calm down, baby bird. Adam’s about to fill you up with the warm, delicious fullness that only a review of an Absinthe lolli can deliver.
I enjoyed the Absinthe lolli quite a bit more than its monstrous companion. I knew I preferred it when I found I could keep it in my mouth for more than ten seconds, and having had Absinthe before I knew what to expect from its flavor. It smells and tastes like black licorice, and if you’re not a fan of that, don’t worry, because there’s a distinct possibility that your mouth will temporarily go numb about 30 seconds in. At least mine did.
This lolli suffers from a similar excess of flavor, but unlike the Maple and Subtle-Hints-of-Bacon lolli that was like hosting a Saw film in my mouth, the Absinthe lolli can be tamed. It’s a lot like me actually, in that it’s wild and fun, and maybe a little slutty. If you’re hosting a party, these can make for spectacular it’s-five-am-now-get-out-of-my-house gifts, because they’re so wonderfully strange. You can use them to stir the drinks, giving them a bit of Absinthe flavor at the same time, and if you’re anything like me you’ll take quite a bit of pleasure in telling seeing the looks on people’s faces when you tell them they’re Absinthe flavored.
Of course, they only contain 10ppm of thujone (the chemical found in Absinthe), so it’s completely safe and well within legal limits. This also means you won’t be tripping balls after downing 3-4 of these babies.
If you like lollipops and are up for a little experimentation, then I highly recommend you try one of Lolliphile’s awesome creations. They’re not all winners, and I’m a little bummed the lollies I purchased came in a plain brown package void of any stylish packaging, but they’re still pretty great. The two flavors I reviewed are just a small sample of Lolliphile’s strange arsenal of sweets. There’s Amaretto, Chai Tea, Cactus Fruit, Curry (yuck), and even Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which will sure as fuck be the next flavor I try. I don’t know how I missed it the first time I perused their store.
If you’re interested, you can find out more about Lolliphile and their cache of lollies at their official website.
Final Word: While I wouldn’t recommend you consume the Absinthe lollipop in the traditional way, stirring it in a beverage of your choice to dilute the flavor makes it a little less stressful on the ole tongue. The Maple Bacon ones… yeah, those aren’t very good.
I had a lot of fun with both, but the Absinthe lolli is easily the best. I give these a solid four and a half demonic raccoons out of five.
We are now one full month into Spring 2024, which kicked off on Tuesday, March 19 and comes to an end with the start of Summer on Thursday, June 20. This year’s summer movie season has a whole bunch of exciting horror highlights, including A Quiet Place: Day One, MaXXXine, and Alien: Romulus, but let’s hold that particular thought until June rolls around.
We’re here today to talk about Spring 2024 and the many horrors we still have left before the weather gets warmer and we find ourselves in the heat of one hell of a spooky summer.
Here are 12 horror movies you don’t want to miss in Spring 2024!
STING – April 12
Two words: SPIDER HORROR. Writer/Director Kiah Roache-Turner (Wyrmwood) hopes to induce eight-legged terror with his brand new horror movie Sting, only in theaters April 12.
Of particular note, Sting features practical spider effects from 5-time Academy Award Winner Weta Workshop, with the spider in this one inspired by H.R. Giger’s Xenomorph!
In Sting, “One cold, stormy night in New York City, a mysterious object falls from the sky and smashes through the window of a rundown apartment building. It is an egg, and from this egg emerges a strange little spider. The creature is discovered by Charlotte, a rebellious 12-year-old girl obsessed with comic books. Keeping it as a secret pet, she names it Sting.
“But as Charlotte’s fascination with Sting increases, so does its size. Growing at a monstrous rate, Sting’s appetite for blood becomes insatiable.”
BLACKOUT – APRIL 12
Indie darling Larry Fessenden is back with new horror movie Blackout this Spring, Fessenden’s third movie – following Habit and Depraved – to put his own spin on classic monsters.
While Habit was centered on vampires and Depraved was a fresh take on Frankenstein’s Monster, Larry Fessenden’s Blackout is the filmmaker’s contribution to werewolf cinema.
The film follows Charley, an artist whose drinking binges blur with his sneaking suspicion that he might be a werewolf. He distances himself from those he loves and sinks deeper into solitude, his flashes of memory of his nighttime grisly acts manifested through his artwork.
ARCADIAN – APRIL 12
If Nicolas Cage is covered in blood, you better believe we’re going to be watching. Cage gets his own A Quiet Place with Arcadian, a new creature feature coming to theaters April 12.
In Arcadian, which also comes to Shudder later this year, “After a catastrophic event depopulates the world, a father (Nicolas Cage) and his two sons must survive their dystopian environment while being threatened by mysterious creatures that emerge at night.”
Jaeden Martell (IT 2017) also stars in the post apocalyptic monster movie.
ABIGAIL – APRIL 19
If you’re bummed about Melissa Barrera being fired from the Scream franchise, you’ll definitely want to get out to your local theater this month to support Abigail, the new VAMPIRE BALLERINA horror movie from Scream and Scream VI directors Radio Silence.
Barrera stars alongside fellow horror favorite Kathryn Newton (Freaky) in Abigail, which is actually the latest horror movie in Universal’s relaunched Universal Monsters Universe.
In the film, “After a group of would-be criminals kidnap the 12-year-old ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, all they have to do to collect a $50 million ransom is watch the girl overnight. In an isolated mansion, the captors start to dwindle, one by one, and they discover, to their mounting horror, that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl.”
LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL – APRIL 19
One of the most talked about horror movies of Spring 2024 has been the Halloween 1977-set Late Night With the Devil, which has been playing in theaters since its premiere on March 22.
Late Night with the Devil will begin streaming at home on April 19, 2024, less than one month after arriving in theaters. Shudder will be the exclusive streaming home of the movie.
David Dastmalchian (Dune, The Suicide Squad) stars as the host of a late-night talk show that descends into a nightmare in Late Night with the Devil, set on Halloween 1977.
In the found footage-style film that captures a period aesthetic, “A live television broadcast in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms.”
INFESTED – APRIL 26
Spring 2024 is all about SPIDERS – sorry, arachnophobes! – with the previously mentioned Sting being followed by the French creature feature Infested (Vermines) later this month.
What’s particularly exciting about Infested is that its director, Sébastien Vaniček, has been hired to direct the next installment in the Evil Dead film franchise, so this will be our first taste of what Vaniček is capable of within the genre. And the buzz for this one is strong.
In his review out of Fantastic Fest last year, for starters, Bloody Disgusting’s own critic Trace Thurman raved that Infested is “one of the best spider attack movies in years.”
In the upcoming horror film, “Fascinated by exotic animals, Kaleb finds a venomous spider in a shop and brings it back to his apartment. It only takes a moment for the spider to escape and reproduce, turning the whole building into a dreadful web trap.”
HUMANE – APRIL 26
The daughter of horror master David Cronenberg, Caitlin Cronenberg is making her own mark in the genre filmmaking space with IFC Films’ Humane, coming to theaters this month.
The film is described as “a dystopian satire taking place over a single day, months after a global ecological collapse has forced world leaders to reduce the earth’s population.”
The wild premise? 20% of the world’s population must VOLUNTEER TO DIE!
“In a wealthy enclave, a recently retired newsman has invited his grown children to dinner to announce his intentions to enlist in the nation’s new euthanasia program. But when the father’s plan goes horribly awry, tensions flare and chaos erupts among his children.”
I SAW THE TV GLOW – MAY 3
Fresh off the haunting and singularly creepy indie We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, Jane Schoenbrun is back with A24‘s I Saw the TV Glow, releasing only in theaters this May.
Meagan Navarro wrote in her Sundance review for BD, “I Saw the TV Glow offers a layered and authentic portrait of identity, wrapped in ’90s nostalgia and surreal imagery that embeds itself deep into your psyche.” Meagan continues, “Schoenbrun delivers a singular vision of arthouse horror that entrances for its fevered dream style and insanely cool imagery.”
In A24’s latest, “Owen is just trying to make it through life in the suburbs when his classmate introduces him to a mysterious TV show — a vision of a supernatural world beneath their own. In the pale glow of the television, Owen’s view of reality begins to crack.”
TAROT – MAY 3
Originally titled Horrorscope, a much better title if you’re asking me, Screen Gems returns to the big screen with studio horror movie Tarot this Spring, a Tarot-card themed spookshow.
When a group of friends recklessly violates the sacred rule of Tarot readings – never use someone else’s deck – they unknowingly unleash an unspeakable evil trapped within the cursed cards in the upcoming Screen Gems horror movie Tarot. One by one, they come face to face with fate and end up in a race against death to escape the future foretold in their readings.
The hook for this one? Artist Trevor Henderson designed the film’s eight monsters!
THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 – MAY 17
Bryan Bertino’s 2008 home invasion classic The Strangers spawns a brand new reboot trilogy this year, with first film The Strangers: Chapter 1 kicking things off in theaters on May 17.
The Strangers: Chapter 2 is expected to follow in Fall 2024.
Madelaine Petsch is the lead of the new reboot trilogy, playing a character who drives cross-country with her longtime boyfriend to begin a new life in the Pacific Northwest.
When their car breaks down in Venus, Oregon, they’re forced to spend the night in a secluded Airbnb, where they are terrorized from dusk till dawn by three masked strangers.
IN A VIOLENT NATURE – MAY 31
Slasher fans who have been hungry for a new Friday the 13th movie won’t want to miss In a Violent Nature, which plays out like a Friday movie… entirely from Jason’s perspective!
IFC Films will release In a Violent Nature exclusively in theaters on May 31.
In the film, “When a locket is removed from a collapsed fire tower in the woods that entombs the rotting corpse of Johnny, a vengeful spirit spurred on by a horrific 60-year old crime, his body is resurrected and becomes hellbent on retrieving it. The undead golem hones in on the group of vacationing teens responsible for the theft and proceeds to methodically slaughter them one by one in his mission to get it back – along with anyone in his way.”
Meagan Navarro wrote in her Sundance review for Bloody Disgusting, “In a Violent Nature may offer slasher thrills and a delightfully gory rampage across the wilderness, but the approach captures the carnage through ambient realism. It results in a fascinating arthouse horror experiment that plays more like a minimalist slice-of-life feature with a grim twist.”
THE WATCHERS – JUNE 14
M. Night Shyamalan returns with the new thriller Trap this coming August, but the road to that film’s release will be paved by the feature debut of his daughter, Ishana Night Shyamalan.
Ishana Night directed The Watchers, in theaters from WB/New Line on June 14.
The film follows Mina, a 28-year-old artist, who gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers who are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.
Which Spring 2024 horror movies are YOU most looking forward to?
4 New Horror Movies Releasing This Week Including ‘Late Night with the Devil’ at Home
Spring 2024 Horror Preview: 12 Horror Movies You Don’t Want to Miss
The ‘Scary Movie’ Spoof Franchise Is Getting a Reboot at Paramount!
‘Ready or Not’: Radio Silence Filmmakers Tease the “Absolute Banger” of a Sequel That’s Taking Shape
“We Built Every Creature” – ‘Alien: Romulus’ Goes Heavy on the Old School Practical Effects!
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