Adam Bravely Fought Off The Ninjas To Bring You This Review Of An Absinthe Lollipop

Review

If you haven’t heard of Lolliphile than you obviously aren’t a lollipop connoisseur like myself. They don’t just make lollipops, they make art. Each one is distinct and unique, and if the two flavors I’ve tasted are any indication, they’re super flavorful. I didn’t know you could cram that much flavor into such a small amount of space, but Lolliphile’s elite team of lolliscientists have done an extraordinary job of doing just that. The two flavors I decided to try this time are Maple Bacon and Absinthe, read my thoughts after the break.

Let’s kick things off with the Maple Bacon lolli (“lolli” is what the hipsters call them). I love maple, especially when it’s in its delicious syrupy form and paired with a pancake or waffle. I’ve also been known to enjoy bacon, which I’ll consume in pretty much any form. Slap it on anything and I’m game, I always say.

You would think that combining the two would make for an instant winner, right? Not really, no. It’s actually too flavorful, and this excess of flavor essentially overwhelms the taste buds causing them to go comatose while their friends and family are forced to sit and wait for the adorable taste bud doctor (he has a mini stethoscope and everything) to come out of the ER with news of their comrade’s condition.

So many words came to mind while I was trying, and failing, to enjoy this lolli. For the first 5-6 seconds — this is in no way a scientific measurement as Mr. Disgusting wouldn’t lend me the official Bloody Disgusting Flavor Squad for this review so I had to go by my own experiences — it’s actually quite good. Then, like a Michael Bay Transformer, it undergoes this hideous CG transformation sequence where you have no fucking clue what’s going on on-screen, err, in your mouth. All you know is you need it out, and you need it out right now.

The Maple half, being the attention whore that it is, totally overwhelms the Bacon. I signed up for a Maple Bacon lolli, dude. Not this Frankenstein-esque monster of a sweet that wants to drown me in the lake filled with its own flavor. Also, in case you were wondering, the bacon is kosher since it’s made with Bacon Salt. For all the vegans who enjoy the sweet thrill of taste bud genocide, feel free to dig in.

I see you sneering at your computer screen, preparing a nasty comment in your mind because I teased you with the review of an Absinthe lolli and so far I’ve only discussed my Maple Bacon flavored adventure. Calm down, baby bird. Adam’s about to fill you up with the warm, delicious fullness that only a review of an Absinthe lolli can deliver.

I enjoyed the Absinthe lolli quite a bit more than its monstrous companion. I knew I preferred it when I found I could keep it in my mouth for more than ten seconds, and having had Absinthe before I knew what to expect from its flavor. It smells and tastes like black licorice, and if you’re not a fan of that, don’t worry, because there’s a distinct possibility that your mouth will temporarily go numb about 30 seconds in. At least mine did.

This lolli suffers from a similar excess of flavor, but unlike the Maple and Subtle-Hints-of-Bacon lolli that was like hosting a Saw film in my mouth, the Absinthe lolli can be tamed. It’s a lot like me actually, in that it’s wild and fun, and maybe a little slutty. If you’re hosting a party, these can make for spectacular it’s-five-am-now-get-out-of-my-house gifts, because they’re so wonderfully strange. You can use them to stir the drinks, giving them a bit of Absinthe flavor at the same time, and if you’re anything like me you’ll take quite a bit of pleasure in telling seeing the looks on people’s faces when you tell them they’re Absinthe flavored.

Of course, they only contain 10ppm of thujone (the chemical found in Absinthe), so it’s completely safe and well within legal limits. This also means you won’t be tripping balls after downing 3-4 of these babies.

If you like lollipops and are up for a little experimentation, then I highly recommend you try one of Lolliphile’s awesome creations. They’re not all winners, and I’m a little bummed the lollies I purchased came in a plain brown package void of any stylish packaging, but they’re still pretty great. The two flavors I reviewed are just a small sample of Lolliphile’s strange arsenal of sweets. There’s Amaretto, Chai Tea, Cactus Fruit, Curry (yuck), and even Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which will sure as fuck be the next flavor I try. I don’t know how I missed it the first time I perused their store.

If you’re interested, you can find out more about Lolliphile and their cache of lollies at their official website.

Final Word: While I wouldn’t recommend you consume the Absinthe lollipop in the traditional way, stirring it in a beverage of your choice to dilute the flavor makes it a little less stressful on the ole tongue. The Maple Bacon ones… yeah, those aren’t very good.

I had a lot of fun with both, but the Absinthe lolli is easily the best. I give these a solid four and a half demonic raccoons out of five.

  • JonathanBarkan

    I wanna high five each of those four raccoons and then give a firm pat on the fifth one. I just have to figure out where so that I don’t get a sexual harassment suit against me AND so that I don’t get blood on my hand. It’s quite the dilemma.

  • Gunpowder-Cash

    Pretty accurate description of the maple bacon, except on the maple flavor. Yes it does have a maple flavor, but it’s so very subtle under the overly salty and almost chemical flavor of everything else. I felt bad dropping it in the trashcan.

    The Absinthe (the green one [TM Adam Dodd]) portion of the review is pretty spot on.

    Can’t wait to try the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Let me rephrase… I wouldn’t mind trying it. After the maple bacon, I’m not in a hurry to run out and get another one of these lollipops.

  • Ravinus

    “a lollipop connoisseur like myself…didn’t know you could cram that much flavor into such a small amount of space”. Now I understand.

  • HorrorManiac666

    You had me at Maple Bacon.

  • purplek

    I love the grading scale dude

  • ThunderDragoon

    I was cracking up when you were describing the taste bud doctor lol.

  • crow454

    So glad I keep coming to horror site to get a daily dose of horror and instead this is the BS I get and really crappy music reviews of really crappy bands that are metal, neither of which are horror. Horrifically bad maybe. This site has been downhill over the last year and I find myself here less and less and gravitate to horror sites that are actually interested in delivering horror news as opposed to this drivel or slaps on the back about how awesome or “first” they are. Utter crap.

    • Adam Dodd

      You seem like a really nice person. I’m really going to miss you when you stop reading BD. Also, we were totally the first horror site to review an absinthe lollipop.

    • JonathanBarkan

      Awww, you don’t like my reviews? But I write them just for you! I wish I could make you happy but I understand if you need to move on. You shall be missed.

  • Ravinus

    The reason this website has declined is because of Adam Dodd. He seems like a really huge douche bag. And, that’s because he is.

    • Adam Dodd

      I’m single-handedly taking down Bloody Disgusting? I didn’t realize I had so much power!

      • JonathanBarkan

        Adam, don’t you know that you are the heart and soul of this operation?

      • JonathanBarkan

        You, Adam, are a damn nuclear reactor of power!

  • crow454

    I’m thinking those comments were supposed to come off as biting and witty, but they’re just stink of trite, young, inexperienced rank amateurs with inflated senses of self and entitlement. I would have said unprofessional but obviously that would suggest you were journalists or “writers”, which despite what you think of yourselves you are not….just 2 more in a sea of hundreds of thousands of bloggers. Its cute that you respond to criticism of this site with retorts directly aimed at the audience which is the only reason the site existed before it became mired in banality and mediocrity. Good strategy, you’ll go far in life. I better let you get back to your posed glam shots of how cool you view yourselves.

  • Gunpowder-Cash

    Journalist (As described by Webster’s Dictionary)
    1a: a person engaged in journalism; especially : a writer or editor for a news medium
    1b: a writer who aims at a mass audience
    2: a person who keeps a journal

    Pretty sure anyone that posts stories for this site hit that criteria. I personally enjoy that this site doesn’t take itself overly seriously. I also understand that this site attempts to appeal to multiple people, not just me personally. There are articles on this site that I don’t care for, and therefore I just skip over them. I don’t even look at the music section (sorry guys). I personally don’t care for music criticism articles as I’m very opinionated about music, and have gotten into debates over it, so I stay away. Bloody Disgusting, while I am a fan of the site, is not my only source of media news. I suggest if you’re not a fan of the site, find a site you can be a fan of. There’s no need to attempt to be hurtful by posting the equivalent of playground bickering.

    • JonathanBarkan

      Feel free to opine over in the music section! I’d love to have you over there!

    • crow454

      A journalist would possess the acumen and professionalism to know how to respond to criticism, which was directed at the site itself and the content its now carrying, not the writers. They either don’t respond, develop the thick skin true writers available to the public have and suck it up, take note and act upon change if they feel the opinion was warranted, or they address their audience’s stance by providing valid justification or explanation countering yet respecting the opinion. They don’t lash out at the audience like petulant children, driving them and others away from the product.

      By your standards maybe they should start a dissertation on the Vagina Monologues, or a regular column about baked goods, or reviews of the latest episodes of Two & A Half Men. What you are saying that despite having been coming here for a decade of horror news, that this is just another random run of the mill, mundane, banal, free for all site with no theme or direction that no longer wishes to stand out from the thousands of other sites. And how is voicing dissatisfaction and providing criticism to a public site hurtful? I have a frame of reference from being here as long as I have and baring witness to the haphazard decline that corresponded with the addition of certain “contributors”. To blindly accept substandard quality if you are dissatisfied makes one a doormat. Like ordering the fish and getting the chicken…you don’t eat the chicken. You send it back and express your concern or critique so that attention can be brought to a potential problem and if enough do so a change can be made.
      I ordered the horror, I’ve been served lollipops and shit.

      • Adam Dodd

        If you’d like me to address your stance on my decision to step away from covering horror for a minute to review an absinthe lollipop, I can do that. I cover horror almost exclusively, but occasionally I like to go beyond that and cover other things I think might interest all of you. If absinthe lollipops don’t tickle your fancy, that’s okay — feel free to move on to the myriad other horror-related articles that get posted on this site every single day.

        If you want me to respect your criticism, I can do that too. All you need to do is present it in a respectful manner. You didn’t do that.

        I love criticism, getting a different perspective is certainly important, and I’ve made it a point to be as open and available to the BD community as possible by providing my email and Twitter to my articles so you all can talk to me about anything (Jon does this too). If you have any questions, comments, or concerns I’d love to hear them.

        I don’t think Jon or I lashed out at you or Ravinus, even though it’s obvious you no longer respect this site or its writers and Ravinus has made a considerable effort in making sure I know I’m a douche in multiple articles now. You sounded like you had had enough with this site and were preparing to move on to something that provided that horror itch you so desperately crave, so we said our goodbyes.

        Sadly, your comments since then have made it a point to put us down in as many ways as possible, so I’m just going to say that I really am sorry you’re not as fond of BD as you once were and I genuinely wish you the best. I won’t be commenting on this article any longer, so if you have any more concerns feel free to send me an email!

      • Gunpowder-Cash

        I just think it’s funny that the first sentence of your last 2 posts completely contradicted themselves. “It’s about the writers!” “It’s not about the writers!”

  • BurnTheBlueSky

    I like candy.