How was I able to cut down the worst films of 2013 to this simple list of 5? Well, friends, it was extremely tough. I could have easily made this a list of 10…15…20. I want to reiterate that I personally believe that this year was extremely unkind in the horror department. Sure, we had some great movies this year as noted in my Best list. However, the abundance of bad movies was overwhelming for me, and interestingly enough, a lot of the big name films of the year ended up on my Worst list. Which ones?
Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Best Posters | Best Performances | Best Trailers
Remember that scene in Spinal Tap when they read the review of the band’s album ‘Shark Sandwich’ – which simply says “Sh*t Sandwich”? Yep. I’d do that with this title if possible.
What happens when someone looks at some great concept art and tells the artist they could make a movie about it – and they really don’t need to worry about a plot? That’s right! Frankenstein’s Army happens! It’s just ridiculous. I don’t even want to get into it…
NO! JUST NO! If you feel the need to remake a movie, do yourself a favor – just write something original. Sure, it could have a lot of influence from the original piece, but when you title something the same and end up glamorizing it and losing any essence of the original, NO! Stop it. If you want to hear more of my thoughts on Evil Dead, check out this episode of BD’s News From the Crypt podcast. Evil Dead made a lot of money and a lot of you seem to have ‘Crystal Skull Syndrome’ regarding it. I feel very, very sorry for you.
I’m obviously not a fan of remakes. While Texas Chainsaw 3D is not technically a remake, the fact that it tries to act as a sequel to the exquisite original makes me absolutely nauseous. Supposedly set 20 years after the first film, we somehow jump almost 40 and end up in the biggest steaming pile of kaka you could call a movie. (Ok, I’m taking this personally.) I don’t like retcon, I never have, and this movie does that – and so much more. It is blasphemous and all copies should be burned.
I’m going to quote my own review on this. “Everything about American Mary is intentionally sculpted for the realm of horror where the writer/directors – the Soska Sisters – reside. It is a simple realm where style rules over plot. This means everything is on purpose – from title character Mary Mason’s black surgical gloves to the length of her bangs…American Mary only ever fully delivers on the visual of a hot chick (in that horror subculture where the girls have that stylized look) running around scantily clad and occasionally splattered in blood while people with body modifications get cut up. I think people see something different with this film simply because it was made by women. I don’t think there really is much beyond that.”