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They’re Gonna Screw ‘Spider-Man’ Up, Again

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Will they ever get the Spider-Man franchise right again? At the current rate, not in my lifetime.

While Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man was the breakthrough franchise that gave superheroes the lift they needed into theaters, his three films are already dated as all hell (thanks to Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy).

And even though I like Sony’s 2012 reboot The Amazing Spider-Man more than most, it was problematic for a single reason that nobody is understanding – and it bleeds right into the 2014 sequel.

For me, the recipe for the perfect Spider-Man begins in 1963 with the original “The Amazing Spider-Man” (post “Amazing Fantasy” #15). And the key here is PETER PARKER.

When revising these classic comics, I discovered something interesting…I would skim the panels featuring Spider-Man and a nemesis. For me, I enjoyed the “Spider-Man” comics because of Parker’s relationships – from Gwen Stacy to the bullies at school, all the way up to Mary Jane and Cletus Kasady. But more importantly, I enjoyed reading about Parker growing up, and going through the tough years of being Spider-Man and a high school student. It was like “The Wonder Years” meets “Spider-Man”.

The movies have attempted to cherrypick this moment in time, but briefly, and fail to realize that, by the time the actor portraying Parker gets deep into a sequel, he’s already a man. In my opinion, if Sony is to reboot the franchise for a third time, and attempt to capture the youth of Parker, they need to go young – like Daniel Radcliffe 2001 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone young.

With this, I present to you the shortlist of actors the studio is looking to cast as a young Peter Parker. What you’ll notice is that, by the time filming begins, and the movie is released, these actors will be adults with a hairy chest. And by the time the sequel gets underway? Jesus. This is the very problem that’s ruined two attempts at Spider-Man, already. And they’re going to do it again. Sigh.

According to TheWrap, here’s who could play Parker:

Asa Butterfield (Hugo, Ender’s Game), Timothee Chalamet (One and Two, Interstellar), Tom Holland (Locke, The Impossible), Liam James (“Psych,” The Way, Way Back) and Nat Wolff (The Fault in Our Stars, Paper Towns).

ALL TOO OLD (Wolff, pictured below, is already 20 years old!). I want to see a young Peter Parker for THREE movies.

And think about this: the new Spider-Man will first appear in Anthony and Joe Russo’s upcoming Captain America: Civil War, which will hit theaters May 6, 2016.

THEN, and only then will this new Peter Parker swing into action solo on July 28, 2017 (Drew Goddard is rumored to direct).

Mark my words… this will be a bust, again.

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Horror movie fanatic who co-founded Bloody Disgusting in 2001. Producer on Southbound, V/H/S/2/3/94, SiREN, Under the Bed, and A Horrible Way to Die. Chicago-based. Horror, pizza and basketball connoisseur. Taco Bell daily. Franchise favs: Hellraiser, Child's Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream and Friday the 13th. Horror 365 days a year.

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[Review] Graphic Novel ‘Tender’ Is Brilliant Feminist Body Horror That Will Make You Squirm & Scream

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Tender Beth Hetland Graphic Novel

Beth Hetland’s debut graphic novel, ‘Tender,’ is a modern tale of love, validation, and self-destruction by way of brutal body horror with a feminist edge.

“I’ve wanted this more than anything.”

Men so often dominate the body horror subgenre, which makes it so rare and insightful whenever women tackle this space. This makes Beth Hetland’s Tender such a refreshing change of pace. It’s earnest, honest, and impossibly exposed. Tender takes the body horror subgenre and brilliantly and subversively mixes it together with a narrative that’s steeped in the societal expectations that women face on a daily basis, whether it comes to empowerment, family, or sexuality. It single-handedly beats other 2023 and ‘24 feminine horror texts like American Horror Story: Delicate, Sick, Lisa Frankenstein, and Immaculate at their own game.

Hetland’s Tender is American Psycho meets Rosemary’s Baby meets Swallow. It’s also absolutely not for the faint of heart.

Right from the jump, Tender grabs hold of its audience and doesn’t let go. Carolanne’s quest for romantic fulfillment, validation, and a grander purpose is easy to empathize with and an effective framework for this woeful saga. Carolanne’s wounds cut so deep simply because they’re so incredibly commonplace. Everybody wants to feel wanted.

Tender is full of beautiful, gross, expressive artwork that makes the reader squirm in their seat and itch. Hetland’s drawings are simultaneously minimalist and comprehensively layered. They’re  reminiscent of Charles Burns’ Black Hole, in the best way possible. There’s consistently inspired and striking use of spot coloring that elevates Hetland’s story whenever it’s incorporated, invading Tender’s muted world.

Hetland employs effective, economical storytelling that makes clever use of panels and scene construction so that Tender can breeze through exposition and get to the story’s gooey, aching heart. There’s an excellent page that depicts Carolanne’s menial domestic tasks where the repetitive panels grow increasingly smaller to illustrate the formulaic rut that her life has become. It’s magical. Tender is full of creative devices like this that further let the reader into Carolanne’s mind without ever getting clunky or explicit on the matter. The graphic novel is bookended with a simple moment that shifts from sweet to suffocating.

Tender gives the audience a proper sense of who Carolanne is right away. Hetland adeptly defines her protagonist so that readers are immediately on her side, praying that she gets her “happily ever after,” and makes it out of this sick story alive…And then they’re rapidly wishing for the opposite and utterly aghast over this chameleon. There’s also some creative experimentation with non-linear storytelling that gets to the root of Carolanne and continually recontextualizes who she is and what she wants out of life so that the audience is kept on guard.

Tender casually transforms from a picture-perfect rom-com, right down to the visual style, into a haunting horror story. There’s such a natural quality to how Tender presents the melancholy manner in which a relationship — and life — can decay. Once the horror elements hit, they hit hard, like a jackhammer, and don’t relent. It’s hard not to wince and grimace through Tender’s terrifying images. They’re reminiscent of the nightmarish dadaist visuals from The Ring’s cursed videotape, distilled to blunt comic panels that the reader is forced to confront and digest, rather than something that simply flickers through their mind and is gone a moment later. Tender makes its audience marinate in its mania and incubates its horror as if it’s a gestating fetus in their womb.

Tender tells a powerful, emotional, disturbing story, but its secret weapon may be its sublime pacing. Hetland paces Tender in such an exceptional manner, so that it takes its time, sneaks up on the reader, and gets under their skin until they’re dreading where the story will go next. Tender pushes the audience right up to the edge so that they’re practically begging that Carolanne won’t do the things that she does, yet the other shoe always drops in the most devastating manner. Audiences will read Tender with clenched fists that make it a struggle to turn each page, although they won’t be able to stop. Tender isn’t a short story, at more than 160 pages, but readers will want to take their time and relish each page so that this macabre story lasts for as long as possible before it cascades to its tragic conclusion. 

Tender is an accomplished and uncomfortable debut graphic novel from Hetland that reveals a strong, unflinching voice that’s the perfect fit for horror. Tender indulges in heightened flights of fancy and toes the line with the supernatural. However, Tender is so successful at what it does because it’s so grounded in reality and presents a horror story that’s all too common in society. It’s a heartbreaking meditation on loneliness and codependency that’s one of 2024’s must-read horror graphic novels.

‘Tender,’ by Beth Hetland and published by Fantagraphics, is now available.

4 out of 5 skulls

Tender graphic novel review

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