|release date||January 31 2012|
|studio||Horror Biz Films|
|director||Ted A. Bohus|
|writer||Ted A. Bohus|
|starring||Brett Fallon, Terry Shane, Teresa Vicario, Kristin Woodburn, Pat Ceasar|
|tagline||At Midnight, All Hell Breaks Loose!|
Hell On Earth is an amateur/independent FX extravaganza put together by one of the producers of The Deadly Spawn, Ted A. Bohus, under Horror Biz Films, but I’ll forewarn you straight off the bat: it’s nothing to get excited about.
It centers on a family that includes a crippled kid named Bobby (Brett Fallon) and his crazy Aunt Sadie. Aunt Sadie owns an occult store and has gifted Bobby the outcast with the Apocryphal Book of Tarkuhm, otherwise known as the Book of the Dead. When he’s not being ridiculed by his crow of a mother, hillbilly of a father, or tramp of a sister, he spends his time in his room full of cool horror memorabilia talking to his imaginary friends. After Sadie dies without anyone taking notice, Bobby reads passages from the book after being coerced by a demon, releasing the Hellish undead into his home – where they tear everyone to shit in his name.
If you stop now, you can at least chalk up Hell On Earth as a good byline experience. Watch even a minute of this film, and it’s all downhill from there. There are preteens and self abusive types who may find it fun – and some that would say it’s supposed to be taken lightly – but it’s just so cheaply put together, and not funny, that its insulting. The Deadly Spawn worked. This doesn’t.
Anyone who knows me can probably attest that I’m pretty lenient with horror films in general – withdrawing major criticisms in exchange for pointing out anything that might be enjoyable to fans of the genre. I was bred from the 80′s VCR era, and if I can sit through the narcoleptic Maniac for the sole purpose of getting to some good gore scenes, I can draw value from near any aspect, as long as the blood at least flows. So, in that light, does this atrocious endurance test of a sit through called Hell On Earth pay off?
Hell On Earth seems like it has more lines in the opening credits dedicated to special effects and makeup personnel than the rest of the cast put together. It contains some of the worst acting I’ve seen in ions, is a kick in the eardrums to anyone who can hear its horrid script of 15 one-liners a minute, and the makeup/costumes from Power Rangers: Samurai are more believable. While the Book itself is probably the film’s best technical accomplishment, you’ll wait a solid 50 minutes for a gore scene with hardly a bare breast to suckle you through, and the effects look like someone bought a program from the 1990′s off EBay for 3.99 and started experimenting with superimposed fireballs and weak, weak ass zombies. Between moments reflective of The Emperor vs Darth Vader, and the ending to Evil Dead but on a five dollar budget – there are really only two graphically violent scenes where you’ll get bloody red entrails and squooshed brains. They come and go so fast, they’re nearly unmemorable, especially after the cerebellum rape and mind numbing trauma your mind goes through to get to them. I’m telling you – run for your life. Maybe I just dont get it, but I don’t want to.
The promo reel / trailer is so low-res it looked pixelated – you might find better quality on YouTube. There’s playtime at the script reading table, 15 minutes of auditions, an FX demo reel, and another random photo gallery for you to fall asleep to. What more can I say? It’s nothing to crack your piggy bank over, and there’s really nothing more to speak of here besides. From this moment on in your life, you need remember only two things. Leave the house with clean underwear, and don’t you dare add this to your DVD collection. Because if you die, and someone finds either in your presence, you’ll lose an eternity of respect there on after, never again receiving the chance to explain away the mistake.