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[BD Review] ‘The Raven’ Is Mediocre Poppycock

I once saw a move called The Raven
Directed by McTeigue, Not Craven
I thought it would be like Sherlock
But they totally went goth rock
And about that I’m not complainin’

It’s a dark little romp with plenty of blood
Of which so many of you will fall in love
But one thing you must know going in
It’s makers clearly thought that thought was a sin
So you probably won’t be wanting to see it again

Ooshy gooshy splooshy Poe gore
Horror fans will feast galore
The DP was keen
So the image has sheen
But no sense to behold renders a bore

Let’s get a few things straight
Performances are good to great
Cusack brings panache not to mention a stache
Eve brings allure while avoiding demure
While Evans is stoic and almost heroic

But man oh man oh man
The story is a kick in the can
If it had gotten its wish to be Se7en
Thoust would have been in heaven
But they didn’t have faith in your attention span

The audience’s brain is immense
But The Raven seems to think it dense
How else to explain those autopsy scenes
With trinkets and baubles and clues that gleam
Only to have Poe point out sh*t you’ve already seen

There’s a whole bunch of filler
When they reveal the killer
The motive is utter poppycock
That speech he gives is schlocktiy schlock
And the ending scene is so bad it doesn’t even deserve a line that rhymes.*

*Seriously guys. Between two screenwriters, a director and an army of producers you thought that would have us jumping out of our seats and cheering? The last ten minutes of your movie thinks that the 90 preceding minutes were good enough to deserve that moment? Let’s forget that it makes no sense.** What’s the motivation?*** Are you really thinking franchise?****

Quoth the critic, “SPOILERS”.

**What? How did he end up in the killer’s carriage in France? Did he catch an earlier boat?

***Does he really care that much? At what point was that established?

****Looking forward to The Raven 2: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

Score: 5/10




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