[BD Review] ‘The Raven’ Is Mediocre Poppycock

I once saw a move called The Raven
Directed by McTeigue, Not Craven
I thought it would be like Sherlock
But they totally went goth rock
And about that I’m not complainin’

It’s a dark little romp with plenty of blood
Of which so many of you will fall in love
But one thing you must know going in
It’s makers clearly thought that thought was a sin
So you probably won’t be wanting to see it again

Ooshy gooshy splooshy Poe gore
Horror fans will feast galore
The DP was keen
So the image has sheen
But no sense to behold renders a bore

Let’s get a few things straight
Performances are good to great
Cusack brings panache not to mention a stache
Eve brings allure while avoiding demure
While Evans is stoic and almost heroic

But man oh man oh man
The story is a kick in the can
If it had gotten its wish to be Se7en
Thoust would have been in heaven
But they didn’t have faith in your attention span

The audience’s brain is immense
But The Raven seems to think it dense
How else to explain those autopsy scenes
With trinkets and baubles and clues that gleam
Only to have Poe point out sh*t you’ve already seen

There’s a whole bunch of filler
When they reveal the killer
The motive is utter poppycock
That speech he gives is schlocktiy schlock
And the ending scene is so bad it doesn’t even deserve a line that rhymes.*

*Seriously guys. Between two screenwriters, a director and an army of producers you thought that would have us jumping out of our seats and cheering? The last ten minutes of your movie thinks that the 90 preceding minutes were good enough to deserve that moment? Let’s forget that it makes no sense.** What’s the motivation?*** Are you really thinking franchise?****

Quoth the critic, “SPOILERS”.

**What? How did he end up in the killer’s carriage in France? Did he catch an earlier boat?

***Does he really care that much? At what point was that established?

****Looking forward to The Raven 2: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

Score: 5/10

 

Official Score

  • Jonathan Barkan

    Best review ever. This should be used in high school English courses.

    • EvanDickson

      Thanks!

  • Lonmonster

    This review is better than the movie. I have to say that despite the last ten minutes and that stupid raccoon, the movie was entertaining.

    • EvanDickson

      Yeah, it’s not a terrible movie. I wasn’t itching to leave the theater or anything. My 5/10′s just mean mediocre. But boy those last 10 minutes!

  • IGETIGETBLOODY

    very clever and well fitting. im a huge Poe fan (have every single one of his writings)and was so hoping this movie wouldnt be a slap in his face, but obviously…

  • looniz1723

    I saw this this morning. It wasn’t top notch by far. It was all that bad either. I would recommend a viewing to anyone who likes John Cusack as an actor and anyone that likes Poe. The story was bland. The acting I thought was pretty decent. I felt the originality was lacking in most departments. It made you feel as if you’d seen it all before in a collage of other films (which I’m sure you all have). I was quite disappointed by the end sequence. It didn’t give me the closure I would have liked to make the time viewed have merit. With all the hype Bloody Disgusting and other sites have been generously giving this up until now, I would have thought they all knew something the rest of us didn’t. Apparently not. Reviews are a dime a dozen. So are opinions. So, watch for yourselves. This is one movie, you either love it or forget it soon after.

  • MidnightMayhem

    and this is why i visit this site, for great and entertaining reviews.

  • doctrina

    thx man great review 5line the movie are mo poeme i hope so.