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[BD Review] ‘No One Lives’ Sets Horror Back Nearly 10 Years

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It felt like horror was set back 10 years When Courtney Solomon produced Captivity for After Dark Films. Now, WWE Studios is back in the production game with No One Lives, which feels very much out of the same ill-advised world where suits with tons of money and zero heart get behind genre films (because they think we’re an easy sell). While incredibly gory, No One Lives is soulless garbage whose problems begin and end with an appalling script.

Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura – of Midnight Meat Train and Versus fame – the plot follows a group of petty thieves that cross paths with Luke Evans as an ex-military agent (who has become a serial killer) and his prisoner (Adelaide Clemens).

Penned by David Cohen (presumably in 2005, right after Hostel hit theaters), the screenplay is jam-packed with cheesy dialogue and one-liners that couldn’t even be delivered by Tom Cruise. While most of the dialogue is laughable, the real issue comes with the character development. Everyone in No One Lives is a horrible piece of crap; as a viewer you’ll have to get behind either a group of crummy thieves (who murder people for no reason and talk to each other like dog shit), or a serial killer who kidnaps and tortures women (apparently). Everyone could die and it wouldn’t even matter to the viewer; and because everyone sucks, there’s no emotion behind any of their imminent deaths.

The good news is that there’s an insane amount of gore, and the gags are pretty great, but unfortunately there’s no fun behind it. No One Lives is generic “shock” cinema that was a result of Hostel, which is why it feels like it sets horror back 10 years.

It can’t be expressed enough just how terrible this film is. It’s camp without the laughs, a complete downer that’ll leave the audience feeling empty. There’s nothing more frustrating than watching films like this get made by people who understand nothing about the genre; they should stick to wrestling, at least that’s one form of entertainment they know how to produce.

Horror movie fanatic who co-founded Bloody Disgusting in 2001. Producer on Southbound, V/H/S/2/3/94, SiREN, Under the Bed, and A Horrible Way to Die. Chicago-based. Horror, pizza and basketball connoisseur. Taco Bell daily. Franchise favs: Hellraiser, Child's Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream and Friday the 13th. Horror 365 days a year.

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Five Underseen Vampire Horror Movies to Stream This Week

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Mr. Vampire - underseen vampire horror movies

One of the all-time foundational fixtures in horror is the vampire. That means over a century’s worth of bloodsuckers in film, in various styles and mythology, from across the globe.

As prominent as this movie monster is, with dozens of adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula alone, there’s an overwhelming selection of vampire fare that makes it easy for many worthwhile gems to fall through the cracks. This week’s streaming picks are dedicated to underseen vampire horror movies worth seeking out.

As always, here’s where you can stream them this week.

For more Stay Home, Watch Horror picks, click here.


Mr. Vampire – The Criterion Channel – Plex, the Roku Channel

Mr. Vampire

This supernatural genre-bender from director Ricky Lau stands far apart from standard vampire fare thanks to its comedy, martial arts, and jiangshi. Taoist priest Master Kau (Lam Ching-ying) guards the realm of the living by maintaining control over the area’s hopping vampires, and other restless spirits. When Master Kau is hired to oversee the reburial of an affluent town elder, he and his two bumbling assistants find themselves in a supernatural battle to the death when the elder’s corpse resurrects as jiangshi. Produced by martial artist and Hong Kong cinema legend Sammo Hung, Mr. Vampire was a huge box office success in Hong Kong and launched a franchise. Still, it’s a charming, lively horror comedy that could use more love among contemporary audiences.


My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To – Plex, Prime Video, SCREAMBOX

My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell it To

Writer/Director Jonathan Cuartas‘s feature debut feels like a spiritual sibling to We Are What We Are in many ways. Both offer meditative, brooding depictions of isolated families far removed from the rest of the world. Both families are willing to commit unspeakable acts on behalf of their loved ones. In this case, siblings Dwight (Patrick Fugit) and Jessie (Ingrid Sophie Schram) find themselves routinely tasked with murder so their sickly younger brother Thomas (Owen Campbell, Super Dark Times) can have the fresh blood to survive. In the vein of The Transfiguration or Martin, this brooding debut feature grounds its vampirism in reality and focuses on the constricting, devastating toll of familial obligation.


The Night of the Devils – Kanopy

The Night of the Devils underseen vampire horror

A disturbed man, Nicola, recounts the story of getting stranded in the woods, only to find refuge in a charming family’s house. The longer he’s there, the more he uncovers something is deeply amiss. Witches, vampires, and sordid family secrets ensue. Like Mario Bava’s anthology segment “The Wurdulak” in Black SabbathThe Night of the Devils is also based on The Family of the Vourdalak by Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy.  Director Giorgio Ferroni balances the gore and sleaze with haunting Gothic atmosphere and stunning cinematography. While it’s methodical in its buildup, the craftmanship and grim ending make this underseen Italian and Spanish co-production worth the watch.


Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat – Fandango at Home (formerly Vudu), Plex, the Roku Channel

Sundown the Vampire in Retreat

Director Anthony Hickox (WaxworkHellraiser III) has a blast with his high concept horror comedy that sees vampires living in the reclusive desert town Purgatory. They seek a peaceful life, with the plan to get an artificial blood factory in operation. Everything goes off without a hitch until Van Helsing’s descendant, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), arrives in town. It’s a vampire western horror comedy that lovingly pokes fun at vampire tropes. The simple setup becomes anything but thanks to town politics, new tourists, and Van Helsing’s irresistibility to a vampire (Deborah Foreman). David Carradine presides over the vampire hijinks as Count Jozek Mardulak. For those looking for something fun and lighthearted, this pick is your best bet. 


Vamp – AMC+, Plex, the Roku Channel, Shudder, Tubi

Vamp 1986

This highly entertaining horror comedy features a vampire that doesn’t get nearly enough attention; Grace Jones exudes raw power as vamp Katrina. Robert Rusler and Chris Makepeace star as two fraternity pledges that venture into the city to hire a stripper, all to impress their frat brothers. They find themselves in a shady part of town, unaware that the dive bar they’ve entered is full of vampires. Naturally, they find themselves in an all-night battle for survival. The neon haze-soaked urban setting makes for a refreshing change of pace. The bromance between the leads is as sweet as it is funny. Most of all, though, watch for Grace Jones’ riveting performance.

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