Editorials
Trace’s 5 Worst Horror Movies of 2016
5. The Greasy Strangler
There is an audience out there for The Greasy Strangler. I’m just not a part of it. Granted, this is a film that is meant to be seen on the big screen in a sold out theater at midnight. I watched a screener by myself in my living room, so the atmosphere may not have been ideal. On the surface Jim Hosking’s film, about an elderly man (Michael St. Michaels) who covers himself in grease and strangles people when his relationship with his son (Sky Elobar) becomes strained after a woman (Eastbound & Down‘s Elizabeth De Razzo) enters their lives. There are plenty of disgusting moments and gross-out images present in the film, but they’re unable to hold your interest amidst the same jokes that are repeated over and over and over (and over) again. It gets boring after a while, and if a film with as much going on as The Greasy Strangler can bore you then it isn’t very good, no matter how intentional that badness is. If you enjoy The Greasy Strangler, good for you! But I’m going to hootie tootie disco cutie on out of here. I guess I’m just a bullshit artist.
4. Yoga Hosers
As someone who actually likes all of Kevin Smith’s work with the exception of Cop Out and Mallrats (yes, I even like Jersey Girl), I went in to Yoga Hosers with low expectations and somehow still walked out disappointed. The second installment in Smith’s True North Trilogy which began in 2014 with Tusk and will conclude with Moose Jaws* is a sloppy, unfunny inside “joke” that only Smith seems to be in on. This is a film where Smith plays multiple 1′ tall Nazi Bratwursts (Bratzis) that crawl up people’s butts and out their mouths to harass the titular yoga hosers (the two Colleens from Tusk) who are played by his daughter (Harley Quinn Smith) and Johnny Depp’s daughter (Lily-Rose Depp). The film’s 88 minutes are filled with obnoxious Canadian stereotypes (do you think Canadians saying “aboot” instead of “about” is funny? You’re about to hear a lot of it) and some cringe-worthy attempts at humor. The two leads are charming but must work with a script that is so pedestrian that you have to wonder if Smith was trying to sabotage his daughter. It’s telling when the best part of your movie is a music video (of the Colleens singing “O Canada”) shot during the credits.
Call me a glutton for punishment, but I’m still excited for Moose Jaws.
3. Phantasm: Ravager
I will get a lot of shit for this so I’m steeling myself for the comments, but I really did not enjoy Phantasm: Ravager. I am not a fan of the Phantasm franchise, so I’m the last person that should be reviewing the fifth and final entry, but here I am. Had I grown up watching the films my opinion may be different than it is now, but I unfortunately saw the first three films when I was 25 (I have yet to see the fourth). It’s just not my cup o’ tea. That being said, I can’t imagine anyone enjoying this film (though some people certainly have). It plays like a cheaply made student film. While it was made on an extremely low budget over the course of several years, first time feature director David Hartman simply doesn’t have the skill to make this movie. It is clear that a lot of heart is in the film and everyone had good intentions, but it’s a stretch to even call this a film. The editing is atrocious, the acting is sub-par and the script is nonsensical (though that’s sort of a Phantasm trademark). The effects are laughably bad but I won’t hold that against it since that’s the least of the film’s problems. You may think I’m being too harsh on a film whose intentions are so pure, but I just think of how I would feel if another Scream (my favorite horror franchise) film ever got made and turned out like this. As a fan I would feel insulted. This is how Phantasm fans should feel after seeing this movie. I’m genuinely happy for the fans though. They did get an ending to their beloved franchise. I just don’t get it.
2. Cell
Stephen King adaptations are notorious for being hit-or-miss. Cell definitely falls into the “miss” category. While we were gifted this year with Hulu’s amazing adaptation of 11/22/63 back in February, June finally saw the release of Cell, an adaptation that could have afforded to spend a little more time in post-production (or maybe it couldn’t?). After being announced in 2007 (Eli Roth was originally attached to direct it), Cell was stuck in development hell before finally starting production in 2014. John Cusack is doing his best Nicolas Cage impression while Samuel L. Jackson looks embarrassed to be there. The nine-year delay didn’t help things, as Cell was a product of its time, making the film adaptation feel outdated and irrelevant to today’s society. The film starts strongly with a sequence set in an airport that inspires genuine chills, but it’s all downhill from there. Cell is filled with clichés, not very scary and actually pretty silly. This is a film that was slapped together haphazardly in the editing room and dumped quietly on VOD services, showing that no one involved was proud of what they created. And they shouldn’t be.
1. Cabin Fever
The big question surrounding Travis Zariwny’s remake of Eli Roth’s 2002 gorefest is: Why? The film used the same script but switched out the cast and crew (Roth stuck around to executive produce though). It is essentially the same film but with all of Roth’s trademark humor and playfulness removed, making for a miserable viewing experience. Rather than tackle the screenplay with a different approach, Zariwny is content to sleepwalk through the filming process and play the whole thing straight. It does not improve upon the original in any way. Shockingly, the film is even less gory than Roth’s original. None of the actors look like they’re enjoying themselves. Cabin Fever 2016 is an appalling, pointless and (worst of all) boring film. It may be the worst remake ever made.
From child-eating witches to village-burning dragons, fairy tales have always had a foot in the horror genre. That’s why it makes sense that, for every The Hobbit and The Chronicles of Narnia, there are also darker and more adult-oriented stories about magical worlds inhabited by ravenous monsters and cruel villains.
Funnily enough, these sinister tales were precisely the ones that I gravitated towards back when I was a kid, and I was reminded of this while watching Netflix’s recently released I Am Frankelda, Mexico’s first ever feature-length stop-motion animation and one hell of an entertaining parable about the intersection between fiction and reality.
In honor of this special kind of horror-adjacent fairy tale, today I’d like to share this list recommending six Dark Fantasy films that horror fans might enjoy.
For the purposes of this list, we’ll be defining Dark Fantasy as fantastical stories that don’t shy away from the more macabre elements that fuel classic fairy tales. That being said, don’t forget to comment below with your own grim favorites if you think we missed a particularly thrilling one.
With that out of the way, onto the list!
6. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
I’m fascinated by bizarre attempts at blockbuster filmmaking – especially when the resulting movies are somehow still fun despite their corporate-mandated origins. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is precisely one of these strangely compelling studio projects, as this surprisingly successful action-thriller boasts a lot of heart (and tongue-in-cheek humor) for a CGI-heavy creature feature.
Directed by Dead Snow’s Tommy Wirkola, Witch Hunters re-frames the classic fairy tale as an origin story for a duo of badass monster-slayers. Of course, it’s the flick’s anachronistic aesthetic and overall visual flair that make it stand out from other action-horror endeavors from around the same time.
5. The Wolf House (2018)
Made in the tradition of faux cursed films in the same vein as Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made, the eerie backstory to 2018’s Chilean animated flick The Wolf House (La Casa Lobo in the original Spanish) already makes it a nightmarish experience before the flick even really begins.
After all, the movie is presented to us as a faux propaganda film produced by the leader of a death cult (heavily inspired by the real life Colonia Dignidad), with this hybrid animated feature using complex movie magic to simulate a single uninterrupted shot as it tells the story of a lazy young girl who runs away from an isolated colony and encounters a creepy old house in the woods.
4. The Brothers Grimm (2005)
Out of all the Monty Python alumni, Terry Gilliam has had the most interesting career outside of the original comedy group. From fascinating canceled projects (such as his scrapped adaptation of Watchmen) to dystopian parodies that feel more relevant by the minute (1985’s Brazil), even his “lesser” films are still intriguing in their own way.
2005’s The Brothers Grimm is one such project, with this peculiar movie attempting to combine the comedian-turned-filmmaker’s unique visual style with a more blockbuster-oriented plot reimagining the titular brothers as con-artists rather than mere writers. The end result isn’t exactly a masterpiece, but it’s still a legitimately fun ride with plenty of memorable monsters and wonderful performances by both the late, great Heath Ledger and Matt Damon.
3. Dante’s Inferno: An Animated Epic (2010)
2010’s Dante’s Inferno game may have a reputation as something of an unapologetic God of War clone, but I’d argue that the now-obscure game was aesthetically unique enough to deserve a bigger fanbase. However, while the title remains trapped on the seventh console generation, its highly underrated anime adaptation is a lot easier to get a hold of!
Animated by 6 different studios in order to make the 9 circles of hell feel unique from each other, this may not be a completely faithful adaptation of Dante Alighieri’s poem, but it’s still one heck of a great (not to mention gory) time that I’d highly recommend to fans of Netflix’s take on Castlevania.
2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
My personal favorite entry in the Underworld franchise, Rise of the Lycans, is a highly ambitious prequel that actually works better if you haven’t had the story spoiled to you by the previous Underworld films.
While the rest of the series features plenty of urban fantasy elements as the movies combine machine guns and modern environments with gothic storytelling, Patrick Tatopoulos’ prequel fully embraces its fantastical origins and tells a classic tale about a doomed romance between a werewolf and a vampire amid a medieval uprising.
And the best part is that we get a lot more Michael Sheen as the fan-favorite Lucian.
1. Solomon Kane (2011)
One of my personal favorite movies on this list, MJ Basset’s criminally underseen adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s other iconic warrior is thoroughly steeped in horror ambience and features plenty of memorable monsters. However, it’s also a classic origin story for a swashbuckling hero that wouldn’t feel out of place in a tabletop RPG.
While I’ve already written about how the film deftly combines both horror and fantasy elements without breaking the bank, I’ll never pass up an opportunity to recommend the bizarre movie where James Purefoy expertly plays a puritan John Wick.
It’s just too bad that we never got the other films in this intended trilogy.
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