Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

The opening of Amityville Vibrator tells you everything you need to know about the tone of the film: a title card reads June 6, 1976, 6:66am. In a green-lit room, a naked woman wearing a horned mask masturbates with a dildo. Moments later she is shot to death, a spray of blood and brains coating the wall. The green filter and the mask and horns are gone and all that’s left is the stark truth of a murder.

Then the film transitions into hand drawn credits, complete with stick figures and crude animated drawings.

Writer/director Nathan Rumler is far more self-aware than most of the preceding entries in the “franchise.” This is a film that is equal parts haunted item (the titular vibrator) and pornography; it’s also a buddy comedy film about newly single Cathy (Corella Waring) and her best friend (with benefits) Roxie (Mallory Maneater), whose search for sexual pleasure takes an unexpected detour into Amityville territory.

In those simplistic terms, Amityville Vibrator – at least the first two acts – is a rousing success. It’s low budget, poorly lit and looks cheap, yes, but the performances are amusing, the sexuality is frank, and the script is surprisingly funny.

It doesn’t hurt that Rumler knows exactly what kind of film he’s making and embraces it. Even the last film we examined, Amityville Island, was questionably so-bad-it’s-good camp; Amityville Vibrator is…well…it’s called Amityville Vibrator!

Cathy opens the film looking for satisfaction because her ex-boyfriend Chad (Rumler, in an uncredited role) was prone to prematurely ejaculating the moment he saw her breasts. Sex-positive Roxie encourages her friend to remove men from the equation and take control of her pleasure with a sex toy. En route to the sex shop, however, Cathy spots a yard sale and stumbles upon a second hand “fiddle stick” (Rosie’s words) in a holy Bible box and snaps it up. (And yes, there’s even a fourth wall-breaking joke about cleaning it before using it.)

On the way home, Cathy pricks her finger on the cursed sex toy, thereby initiating an Amityville-style possession wherein the more she masturbates, the stronger the evil becomes.

Cue sexy times and deaths.

If the film sounds like a comedy mixed with a porno, that’s because it is. There are several scenes of explicit sexuality as Cathy pleasures herself (and also fucks Roxie) while Chad and his new colleague Mallory (Emily Hillborn) spy on her.

Chad and Mallory’s subplot is less successful. Chad is a total doofus who is obsessed about sex but unable to perform; he’s a sexual imbecile, despite his tendency to wear crude t-shirts (“I Eat Ass”; “Kum and Go”) and whip out his penis (yes, the nudity is equal opportunity).

Chad is ultimately more of a collection of traits than a proper character, so despite his and Mallory’s hunt for Amityville objects (the vibrator is purportedly their last), the subplot never finds its footing. As a result, most of their scenes consist of little more than sitting in a white van for long stretches of time. It simply doesn’t feel essential to the film, and that’s before a five-minute shrooms montage that feels explicitly designed to pad the runtime.

Alas the film never recovers its sense of playful fun, leading to a climax that is both predictable and abrupt. While this is on par for many Amityville films, the tonal shift from tongue-in-cheek to standard horror fare feels jarring and less satisfying.

Thankfully the first two thirds of the film is a mix of weird, funny, sexy, and self-referential. This film is proof that the Amityville films could learn a thing or two about the benefits of not taking themselves so seriously.

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

• Best Dialogue: Roxie gets all of the film’s best lines. From her goodbye on the phone (“I love you, too, whore face”) to her greeting in the car (“Let’s go get some dildos, bitch”) to fielding an emergency plea from Cathy (“Be there in two shakes of Satan’s cock”), Roxie is an absolute delight.
• Groaner Jokes: Chad is meant to be garbage, but it seems clear that Rumler also wants the audience to think he’s a lovable doofus. Still, it’s hard to imagine anyone pulling off groaners like “I’m ambi-dicks-trix” (because he can use both hands to type and masturbate) or when Chad declares losing his lighter “worse than 9-11.”
• Secret Backstory: There’s a whole storyline in the back half that Cathy is the daughter of Ronnie (Steve Nolan), the man from the yard sale and also a rapist. It’s odd and poorly conceived and another part of why the last act feels tonally off.
• Sex Comedy: Several of the exchanges between Cathy and Roxie in the first half of the film play like a teen sex comedy from the late 90s, which is why the film’s self-awareness works so well. Case in point: Roxie complains of being cold, and Cathy coyly replies: “I have an idea of how we can warm up.” Cut to the pair warming their hands as they sit in front of the heater. After a few moments, Cathy asks: “Do you wanna have sex now?” It’s an obvious joke, but the beat in the middle beefs up the punchline and makes it so much more playful. There’s at least a half dozen of these kinds of jokes in the film and they all work.
• Crucifix Dildo: At one point a possessed Cathy kills a nun (Ashley Short) with a crucifix dildo, which looks great, but also begs the question: why would the production use the very boring, plain black one for most of the film?! Don’t give me a crucifix dildo for one scene when I could have it the whole time!
• Voices, Levitation and Puppets: The film is at its wacky best right before Roxie is murdered. Not only does the vibrator levitate (on highly visible strings), it speaks to Cathy in a high-pitched voice (Sadie Tate). Then there’s the possessed sexually aggressive ventriloquist doll that Cathy nicknames Spanky (voiced by Brian Papandrea) that is a cross between Goosebumps‘ Slappy and the clown in Poltergeist. All of this stuff is *great*.

Next Time: We’re getting witchy with Amityville Witches (2020) from director Tom Jolliffe and writer Rebecca Matthews, who is only the second female screenwriter in the “franchise.”