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[13 Days Of Horror] Day 2: The 12 Best Weapons In Horror Games, Part 2

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If you enjoyed yesterday’s batch of memorable horror game weapons then you’re going to love this. Horror games may not be known for their excess of badass weapons, but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been a few games that have brought us some excellent tools with which to beat down the undead hordes, alien intruders, demons, demon worshippers, and other abominations that are unfortunate enough to get in our way when we’re in the mood to kick some ugly monster ass. Here’s the second half of our list of the best weapons of the horror genre.

The BFG (Doom)

A list of badass tools of destruction is not complete without mentioning the iconic BFG from the Doom series. It’s unstoppable, it intimidates as well as it eviscerates, and I’m pretty sure it put the boom in boomstick. If you’re planning on taking on demons spawned from the festering pits of hell, you’re going to need one of these. Hell, why not go Gunzerker on them and dual-wield these hot pieces of military ass? I say we petition id Software to make that a feature in Doom 4. Who’s with me?

Chainsaw Bike (Dead Rising 2)

This was the most difficult series to choose a weapon from because it’s brimming with clever, deadly, and over-the-top weapons. If you want to throw an exploding football, Dead Rising has a combo card for that. A toy helicopter with machetes strapped to its blades? Check. Wheelchairs that come in two deadly flavors, including electrified and the assault rifle-mounted Blitzkreig? Check and check. I eventually decided to go with the Chainsaw Bike, because it’s as deadly as it is fun to use. The other weapons are creative, but the novelty wears off pretty quickly. But the Chainsaw Bike? Oh, I could drive that thing for hours.

The Barbed Cross (Infamous: Festival of Blood)

There have been a myriad Halloween or horror-themed expansions over the last two years, including The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned, Undead Nightmare, and of course, Festival of Blood. There’s even another coming out for the fantastic Sleeping Dogs, dubbed Nightmare in Northpoint. So far, my favorite has been Infamous 2’s Festival of Blood, and part of that is because of Cole’s awesome holy cross weapon. It doubles as an electrified bludgeoning object and an anti-vampire staking tool. Beating vampires to a pulp before jamming it pointy end first into their chest never got old.

The Pipe Bomb (Left 4 Dead)

How many times has a single pipe bomb saved your ass, or the collective asses of your team? The answer is many. The pipe bomb is an feat of engineering that fuses an infected attention-grabbing alarm with an explosive, arguably making it the best weapon in the game. There are few things that are as satisfying as tossing a pipe bomb into an area that’s heavily populated with infected, watching them all run over to it — those idiots — and watching the explosion and resulting shower of blood, body parts, and miscellaneous other giblets.

The Sexy Beam (Silent Hill 3)

I have to be honest here: I’ve never actually used the Sexy Beam. In fact, I didn’t even know it existed until I played through the Silent Hill HD Collection and a friend told me about it. I did however, know about the Heather Beam, or the less powerful version of the Sexy Beam, and that thing’s crazy fun to use. The Silent Hill games are all about making you feel weak, vulnerable, and outnumbered, but I like to think that I’m instilling those same emotions into the creatures that inhabit that foggy town when I have my Sexy Beam.

Developer’s No. 666 Craft (Dead Island)

I almost went with Jason’s chainsaw, since that’s the most fun to get seeing as you have to travel to a lone shack in the middle of a swamp that a lumbering psycho calls home, but then I realized it’s just a chainsaw. As gamers, we’ve seen plenty of those, and that one’s no different. If you happened across any skulls during your time with Dead Island, you might’ve gone online to discover their purpose. Basically, using money, gems, and the skulls, you can craft unique weapons that are, for the most part, insanely powerful. My favorite of the group is definitely the No. 666 Craft, because it turns you into a fucking Jedi. With it equipped, all you have to do is stick your palm out and watch as an arc of lightning proceeds to ruin that poor zombie’s day.

Honorable Mention: Juliet’s Chainsaw (Lollipop Chainsaw)

I may not have loved Lollipop Chainsaw, but there’s no arguing how much fun can be had when you mix a chainsaw with the easily chop-up-able undead. Of all the chainsaws I’ve seen in video games (Dead Island, Dead Space, Left 4 Dead, etc.), I’ve never seen one that was so… bedazzled?

Missed a day? Check out the rest of the 13 Days of Horror:
Day 1: The 12 Best Weapons In Horror Games, Part 1
Day 3: Our Premature Evaluation Of Black Ops II Zombies
Day 4: Why 2012 Has Been The Best (And Worst) Year For Horror
Day 5: 12 Horror Games To Look Forward To Next Year, Part 1
Day 6: 12 Horror Games To Look Forward To Next Year, Part 2
Day 7: Eight Games You Should Play This Halloween
Day 8: Dear Capcom, This Is What I Want In Resident Evil 7
Day 9: 12 Upcoming Zombie Games To Be Excited About, Part 1
Day 10: 12 Upcoming Zombie Games To Be Excited About, Part 2
Day 11: Why We Love Zombie Games
Day 11: Why We Love Zombie Games
Day 12: Comment To Win A Copy Of Resident Evil 6 And Other Awesome Swag
Day 13: Don’t Be Scared, It’s Just A Dead Pixels Halloween Podcast

Feel free to ever-so-gently toss Adam an email, or follow him on Twitter and Bloody Disgusting

Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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