Dan from Chicago, IL asks: Dear John, Aside from your childhood home movies, what are your favorite horror movies and if you could star in a horror movie how large would the body count be?
Hello Dan, It’s me John… ya know John Goblikon. First off, you’re from Chicago?!? I saw a horror movie a couple of months ago in your city, it was called THE WEATHER CHANNEL! …Get it?!? It was cold. No thank you! As a smaller goblin I got a lot of good horror movies to my planet from Earth. “Home Alone”, “Jingle All the Way” and my favorite “Christmas Vacation”. Nowadays I just watch that one horror show with all the zombies and and that kid who’s always complaining to the dad… “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. if I could start a horror movie it would star Kayden Kross, Jenna Haze, Amanda Cerny, Kat Von D… oh man the body count would hopefully be HUGE!
Kevin from Vermont asks: My girlfriend left me to go find herself and I don’t know how to get back in the game. Any suggestions?
First off Kevin, Vermont is made up, correct? Nice try! I’m sorry to hear you got dumped, I’ve been dumped a few times, they didn’t even know we were dating in the first place! Now the cops are involved because apparently goblins aren’t “allowed to break into a lovely ladies house to say hello”. Luckily Kevin, getting back in the game is easy! All you have to do is start making tons of money, get famous, wear gold and diamonds, get carried on a body guards shoulders, fly around in a helicopter with your name on the side and then the ladies will come a running. Works… every… time!
Marvin from Wolfsburg, Germany asks: I got my dick stuck in the ceiling fan again. How do i prevent this?
No idea!!! If you find out PLEEEEEEEEEASE TELL ME ASAP!!!!!!!! (asking for a friend)
Love Wolf from Wetumpka, AL asks: I am currently in Aotearoa, where the majority of women are obese and all have terrible New Zealand accents. The only plus I can see is their weight means they move slowly and are easily hunted. Should I shame myself? Or remain sexually pristine?
“Obese” makes them sound delicious AND they’re easy?!? Can you tell me exactly where you live so I can book a flight?!? My advice is… save some for me! We are going to be kings of the kangaroo women!!! That’s what the proper name for woman in New Zealand, correct?!?