Update: April Fools’, y’all! Obvs.
Donald Drumpf Trump. You might’ve heard the name. For some, Trump is an anti-politician, the confident can-man with cotton candy hair we’ll need if America is ever going to be great again. For others, the name belongs to a tangerine buffoon, an inescapably loud man-sized Philosopher’s Stone that’s been alchemically transmuting the anger, fear and desperation of millions into a golden platform for bigotry, lies and rampant narcism.
But you’re not here for politics. You’re here because you play video games, probably. Or maybe you noticed that banner and you were all like, whaaaaat? It doesn’t matter, the point is you’re here.
I’m glad you could made it, for your sake. What I have for you today isn’t merely a video game, and it’s definitely not the obviously soulless cash-grab from an out-of-touch billionaire who definitely drinks Goldschläger for the gold flakes. We’re about to enter a new golden era that future generations of gamers will remember as the day Donald Trump saved video games.
I am truly, madly, deeply honored to tell you about this revolutionary game, for I believe with all the remaining pieces of my shattered heart that IGN would’ve just mucked it up.
I don’t have a trailer for you yet, unfortunately. The game is still in cognitive production — a new pre-pre-production phase Trump invented — so it’s just not there yet. Trump did promise me it’ll be the best trailer the world has ever seen, and he’s widely known to be a man of his word.
The gilded gimps who arrived on my doorstep to explain everything I’m sharing with you now did let me in on another of Trump’s inventions: the word trailer. Unfortunately, the gilded ball gags they wore made them impossible to understand, so I tried investigating further using my journalism and the power stance I practice every morning so it was clear I meant business.
When that didn’t work, I stared at them blankly as I slowly shut my door. They’re still out there, I think. Standing in their puddles of drool, watching, waiting.
Oh, and Trump wanted me to tell you that his game will be the first to come with a preassigned Metacritic score. It won’t be a number, “Only losers and women use numbers,” Trump says. It’ll probably be a doodle, or something. Stay tuned.
Alright, you can go read something else now, this next bit’s for Trump. Here’s the gold you requested, Mr. Trump. Can I be done now?
