Pitch Black is back, just as the prophecy foretold.
On July 7, 2011, I published what may very well be the finest 1,256 words I’ve ever written. It was a love letter review of an elusive new flavor of Dew inspired by the woefully underappreciated black grape and infused with the essence of Halloween. That Dew was Mountain Dew Pitch Black.
This is the first soda to earn my fear and my respect. I fear it because of what it did to me one crisp autumn morning back in 2012. It was a Wednesday I’ll never forget. My very own Pitch Black Wednesday.
The day before the horrific incident, an exceptional friend of mine had gifted me two twelve packs of the tasty beverage, earning a place in my heart forever and ever. I plowed through half the cans in no time at all, then, it happened. I had to pee super bad. Like, Jim Carrey in a dog-shaped van bad.
I made it to the bathroom with minimal seepage, like a professional adult, and proceeded to hastily uncoil the beast so I could begin. It didn’t take long for me to realize he was spitting out a sickly green sewage water that lacked the subtle luminescence and warm amber hues I usually see. I came frighteningly close to being traumatized for life that day had I not acted fast and sought answers on Google.
I’m better now, but I am still pretty shaken up about it.
The reason I’m telling you this is so you can better understand what this supremely satisfying soda means to me, as well as what it could mean to you, if you open the still-functioning (for now) arteries of your heart to it.
Mountain Dew Pitch Black is as much a proprietary blend of chemicals and sugar designed by a team of scientists wearing Dew branded lab coats as you and I are people-shaped skin bags filled with meat. It’s so much more than the sum of its parts, just like us. It’s what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood tastes like, only better. It’s so delicious, thousands of black grapes willingly volunteer themselves to be drained of their precious juices so they can be reborn as the greatest of mankind’s carbonated inventions.
Prince even dedicated an album to it! Surely you’re sold by now.
You can find out for yourself whether or not Pitch Black is for you by visiting a beverage retailer of your choosing and giving it a try. Go ahead, taste it. Come on, put it in your mouth, you know you want to. Everyone else is, so you should to unless you want to be weird and die alone. What have you got to lose, besides your health or whatever?
Pitch Black is only here for a limited time, unless we enlist Lady Democracy to keep it here until the end of time. As much as I like Baja Blast, it can fuck off back to Taco Bell. There can only be one, and unless that one is Keanu Reeves, it better be Mountain Dew Pitch Black.
Unfortunately, it’s an insanely tight race, with only 1% — one goddamn percent — separating the two. I’m not saying everyone who votes for Baja Blast should die in a fire, but you should vote for Pitch Black.
#VOTEPITCHBLACK
