Editorials
Pitch Black is Back, Y’all
Pitch Black is back, just as the prophecy foretold.
On July 7, 2011, I published what may very well be the finest 1,256 words I’ve ever written. It was a love letter review of an elusive new flavor of Dew inspired by the woefully underappreciated black grape and infused with the essence of Halloween. That Dew was Mountain Dew Pitch Black.
This is the first soda to earn my fear and my respect. I fear it because of what it did to me one crisp autumn morning back in 2012. It was a Wednesday I’ll never forget. My very own Pitch Black Wednesday.
The day before the horrific incident, an exceptional friend of mine had gifted me two twelve packs of the tasty beverage, earning a place in my heart forever and ever. I plowed through half the cans in no time at all, then, it happened. I had to pee super bad. Like, Jim Carrey in a dog-shaped van bad.
I made it to the bathroom with minimal seepage, like a professional adult, and proceeded to hastily uncoil the beast so I could begin. It didn’t take long for me to realize he was spitting out a sickly green sewage water that lacked the subtle luminescence and warm amber hues I usually see. I came frighteningly close to being traumatized for life that day had I not acted fast and sought answers on Google.
I’m better now, but I am still pretty shaken up about it.
The reason I’m telling you this is so you can better understand what this supremely satisfying soda means to me, as well as what it could mean to you, if you open the still-functioning (for now) arteries of your heart to it.
Mountain Dew Pitch Black is as much a proprietary blend of chemicals and sugar designed by a team of scientists wearing Dew branded lab coats as you and I are people-shaped skin bags filled with meat. It’s so much more than the sum of its parts, just like us. It’s what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood tastes like, only better. It’s so delicious, thousands of black grapes willingly volunteer themselves to be drained of their precious juices so they can be reborn as the greatest of mankind’s carbonated inventions.
Prince even dedicated an album to it! Surely you’re sold by now.
You can find out for yourself whether or not Pitch Black is for you by visiting a beverage retailer of your choosing and giving it a try. Go ahead, taste it. Come on, put it in your mouth, you know you want to. Everyone else is, so you should to unless you want to be weird and die alone. What have you got to lose, besides your health or whatever?
Pitch Black is only here for a limited time, unless we enlist Lady Democracy to keep it here until the end of time. As much as I like Baja Blast, it can fuck off back to Taco Bell. There can only be one, and unless that one is Keanu Reeves, it better be Mountain Dew Pitch Black.
Unfortunately, it’s an insanely tight race, with only 1% — one goddamn percent — separating the two. I’m not saying everyone who votes for Baja Blast should die in a fire, but you should vote for Pitch Black.
#VOTEPITCHBLACK
Editorials
André Øvredal’s ‘Troll Hunter’ Remains One of the Best Found Footage Movies
In this day and age, the word “troll” is often used to describe various online nuisances. Yet as abundant and irksome as the modern troll can be, they aren’t usually as fearsome as their mythological counterparts. I’m not talking about the small and gentler versions that have become more common to see in media. No, there are much bigger and scarier trolls out there—and André Øvredal’s movie Troll Hunter is one of the best places to find them.
It doesn’t take long for Troll Hunter (or Trolljegeren) to dump the Blair Witch Project-esque setup and aim for something a lot fresher. The trajectory of the story is augmented by Otto Jespersen’s character Hans, the titular Troll Hunter. The second he comes barreling out of the deep, dark woods and shouts “troll” at the camera, this movie takes a turn into what feels like uncharted territory. Not only subject-wise, but also conceptually.
For fantastical and made-up subject matter in cinema, found footage is a fast way to add a guise of believability. After all, what we accept to be the most crucial aspect of documentaries—the truth—rubs off on pseudo-documentaries, despite our understanding of the pretense involved. That is what Øvredal delivered with Troll Hunter: a movie so convincing that some viewers wondered if trolls really do exist. So, had this been straightforwardly made, it likely wouldn’t have been as effective. Conventional narratives would be more inclined to treat something like trolls as flat out unreal, and never try to convince the audience to think otherwise.

Hans petrifies the three-headed Tusseladd troll.
The viewers, like the characters trailing Hans, are quickly thrown into the deeper end of that extraordinary story. They have to process all this new information while staying on the go. So, although there is no significant amount of meandering, narratively or physically, there is still a good amount of atmosphere, not to mention tension building. It’s never anything frightful, but then again, Troll Hunter isn’t your standard offering of horror; it’s more on the low end of the dark fantasy spectrum. We aren’t ever spirited away to a faraway world—we stay in rather familiar surroundings, as well as dip into those less so. The outcome is a movie where you’re constantly more in awe than in terror.
As fantasy fiction might do, Troll Hunter prefers not to deal with incredulity. There is no time to waste on doubt, as interviewer Thomas (Glenn Erland Tosterud), soundperson Johanna (Johanna Mørck), and cameraman Kalle (Tomas Alf Larsen) all follow Hans around, recording whatever this character is willing to reveal about his bizarre job. Of course, the Troll Hunter himself is not an open book; in that respect, the diegetic documentary fails to fully capture and unpack the more interesting of its two subjects. Yes, all those giant, monstrous trolls are indeed incredible, but understandably, your mind wanders to their pursuer. What kind of person signs up for this gig and then chooses to stick with it for so long?
Reviews have called out Troll Hunter for its lack of character development. In regard to Thomas and his fellow documentarians, that criticism is valid, but bear in mind, they aren’t the focus of the story, either. Meanwhile, Hans is a well-crafted character. At least better than first realized. Before he was introduced, Hans had already grown tired of the troll grind. Fed up with that low compensation for his services, resentful of the bureaucracy, and wanting to expose his employer on a large scale, Hans’ discontent is glaring.
Then there are those finer details about the Troll Hunter, such as that indifference to both the natural splendor of his everyday surroundings and the affections of an obviously smitten colleague, that also suggest some level of despondency. So it is fair to say this movie doesn’t feature any sizable growth for its characters; however, the namesake isn’t underwritten. No doubt, putting a real-life character like Otto Jespersen in that role is partly why Hans is so fascinating—maybe even relatable.

Otto Jespersen as Hans the Troll Hunter.
There is always a small risk whenever using the term “mockumentary” to describe a found-footage movie, as the word could imply humor where there is none. In the case of Troll Hunter, the term’s usage is appropriate. Some folks have claimed the English-dubbed version has the more comedic tone, however, the Norwegian cut isn’t exactly humorless. Apart from the trolls’ absurd appearances, this is a movie where the characters nearly choke on the monsters’ farts, and Christians are like walking targets. Hans’ complete apathy towards everything is another cause of laughter. Overall, the comedy is intentionally dry and inconsistent. Unfunny, though? Absolutely not.
In a movie where endemic creatures are maltreated, as well as disavowed from living freely and peacefully, it’s hard not to notice the ecological message buried beneath the story. In addition to that is the unmistakable political satire. There is this whole business about intrusive and unsightly power lines—like trolls, they’re big blemishes on the land—that leads to what is perhaps the movie’s funniest moment. The scene in question is that one where certain electric lines, the ones secretly being used to keep the trolls at bay, go in a loop and don’t actually send power to any residents. Yet the monitors of said lines don’t find this at all weird. So it stands to reason that Øvredal was having a go at those who accept the government’s doings without question.
Looking past the fact that trolls aren’t actually real, this movie is an enlightening source of information. And not just for international audiences; Norwegians, too, get schooled about their homeland’s own mythology. It’s also evident from everything on screen that Øvredal and his crew were enthusiastic about the topic. The creature designs are the most indicative of that zeal; those imaginative yet myth-accurate manifestations are equally amusing and grotesque. One second you’re laughing at their phallic noses, the next you’re white-knuckling during a hairy sequence. Most surprisingly is how well the trolls’ visual effects hold up after fifteen years. It’s not all spotless, but on the whole, they remain impressive.
Vouching for a mockumentary about trolls isn’t easy, but those who do come around and give it a shot will more than likely be grateful for the recommendation. For Troll Hunter is a real find in that vast and varied genre we call “found footage“.

A bridge troll reaches up for food and finds Hans decked out in armor.



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