Editorials
Top 10 Most Awesome Chainsaw Scenes in Horror History!!
Ever since the dawning of the genre, the characters in horror films–villains and heros alike–have never been shy when it came to using all different kinds of tools and instruments as murder weapons. Jason, for example, hacked his victims to pieces with a machete in Friday the 13th: Part 2, Lionel used a lawnmower to make zombie gulash in Braindead, Lori ended her possessed boyfriend’s miserable life with a meat cleaver in Slime City and Richard Jennings, the misogynous antagonist of Mike and Robert Findlay’s infamous Flesh trilogy, even went as far as to kill his female prey with a poisoned g-string, a blowtorch and a lobster claw! Sure, these are all pretty kick-ass ways to end some poor bastard’s miserable life, however, there’s one particular object that towers proudly above all the others as the undisputed queen of horrendous murder weapons: the chainsaw! Her thundering roar is music to every splatter fans’ ears and her razorsharp teeth have granted us dozens and dozens of helluva cool and brutal on-screen killings… so, as a longtime overdue homage to this wonderful instrument of carnage and destruction, here’s my Top 10 of most awesome chainsaw scenes in horror history!
Yeah, I know what you think… what a lame way to start a list. No blood, no guts, no dismemberment, no nothing… except, of course, for a good dose of hilariously self-deprecating Bruce Campbell humor! And at least for me that’s more than enough to grant this funny little scene–in which fanboy Jeff offers his idol Bruce Campbell a kick-ass, custom-made chainsaw to battle the Chinese demon-god Quan-Di, only to find out that the EVIL DEAD-star prefers a lighter handgun to the “too damn heavy” powertool–the opening slot in my list of best chainsaw moments ever. I mean, Bruce’s stout-hearted monologue about the importance of the chainsaw in his life would even make Jean-Claude Van Damme blush and the disappointed look on Jeff’s face, when his hero turns away empty-handed, is absolutely priceless, so yeah, I guess that should be enough to justify why MY NAME IS BRUCE has made it to this list, too, despite the flick’s obvious lack of graphic violence… and don’t worry, fellas, we’re only at the beginning of our journey and we’ll come to the reel gore soon enough… 😉
I’ve seen THE VIDEO DEAD as a teenager and one scene that for some reason kept stuck in my mind ever since is the one where the film’s protagonist Jeff and his cowboy buddy Joshua have just killed an approaching zombie and start to argue about who’s going to dismember it with a chainsaw. To be honest, the scene is pretty inaptly made, the chainsaw is far from being impressive and now that I’ve watched it again, the humor isn’t exactly laugh-your-socks-off material either, but for reasons of nostalgia I still wanna include it to my list anyway… so don’t be mad at me, guys, cause despite all its flaws, THE VIDEO DEAD is still a pretty charming and helluva corny b-movie cheese fest and at least the rats, that come out of the bisected ghoul’s torso, are a nice gimmick, too…
Brett Piper’s episodic horror film SHOCK-O-RAMA is one of the most genuine and highly entertaining homages to yesteryear’s drive-in cult flicks that I’ve ever seen. I love every second of it and hence it’s no wonder that the movie’s second episode, Zombie This!, ended up here in my list as well. It’s funny, it’s charming, it’s well made and it features a very pissed off Misty Mundae, who finally turns the tables on her zombie persecutor and goes after him with a roaring chainsaw… the frightend expression on the ghoul’s face when Misty cuts through the door behind which he’s hiding, the funny dance he performs when her chainsaw doesn’t start up at first and the pitiable way he begs for his life when she’s about to finish him for good, it’s all comic genious at it’s very best!
Well, HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS ain’t exactly one of the best movie’s ever made, but the film’s pseudo-serious private dick approach is pretty funny and the its big finale is certainly worth more than just a little mention as well… after all, we got two of the biggest b-movie icons of all time, Linnea “Trash” Quigley and Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen, lined up against each other and once the bare-breasted Linnea has cut through Gunnar’s guts with one of the gruesome tools that gave the film its hilarious title, she goes after his vicious henchwoman (played by scream queen Michelle Bauer) as well and fights her to the death in a no-holds-barred catfight… only that the two kitties give each other hell with chainsaws instead of paws!! Now that’s what I call entertainment, isn’t it!?
I’m by far not the biggest fan of the not-so-recent-anymore trend of remaking just about every cult horror film of last 30 years, but one film that really turned out mighty fine in my opinion and that made almost everything right is Zack Snyder’s remake of George A. Romero’s classic zombie massacre DAWN OF THE DEAD. One scene, that particularly struck me, is the survivors’ escape from the mall in a heavily armed and armored autobus. When the hordes of zombies outside start to crawl up to the bus and try to turn it over, all the driver needs to say is “Hit `em with the saw!” and only a second later, the chainsaw is runnin’ and the zombies’ limbs start falling apart in all directions. I know, this pariticular chainsaw moment does only last for a couple of seconds, but it’s still one of the most powerful displays of chainsaw dismemberment I’ve ever seen.
Two regular guys–one of `em carrying a hammer and the other a chainsaw–on the one side and a dozen blood-thirsty Nazi zombies on the other? Who would you bet your money on? Sure thing… the regular guys! And you’ve made the right decision, cause once the chainsaw’s running, the snow is painted red with zombie blood and the sky is filled with dismembered limbs that fly in all directions. Tommy Wirkula’s over-the-top horror comedy DEAD SNOW was one of the goriest and most entertaining flicks I’ve seen in 2009 and the scene mentioned above is one that chainsaw afficionados will definitely still be talking about in aw many, many years from now. Hence, my #5 is none other than Norway’s very own DEAD SNOW!
I know you’ve all been waitin’ for her to hit the stage… and here she is: everybody’s favorite Nazi bitch goddess Ilsa! A woman so vicious and ice-cold that her sheer presence would turn the explosive warhead of any V2 missile into an icycle within just a couple of seconds! You don’t believe me? Well, then why dontcha visit the infamous She-Wolf of the SS in Siberia, where she rules a Russian prison camp with an iron fist and tortures her poor victims by diving `em headfirst into ice water, feeding `em to her pet tiger or forcing `em to arm-wrestle over two running chainsaws until one of the contenders has not only lost the challenge… but also a hand!
Being a prostitute isn’t always an easy job. Especially, when a slick and thoroughly morbid yuppie called Patrick Bateman is your customer. At first he might appear pretty charming with his romantic talk about Whitney Houston’s kitchy lovesongs and all, but before you can say knife you suddenly see him kill your mutual playmate right infront of your eyes and when you try to flee and get out of his stylishly equipped apartment as fast as possible, he ultimately comes after you with a chainsaw, completely nude and with a mad expression on his face. Honestely girls, you definitely wanna think twice whether or not you really want to end up in this fucked-up psycho’s bedroom…
Without a doubt, Tobe Hooper’s gross `n outrageous shocker THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE from 1974 is THE archetype of all chainsaw movies… and the one scene that always pops up infront of my eyes when I think of that film is the big finale: Sally’s jump through the window to escape the grotesque family dinner, her pursuit by Leatherface and the Hitchhiker, the truck running over Leatherface’s filthy sibling as if he was a coyote, Leatherface cutting his own leg with his chainsaw and finally Sally’s escape and Leatherface’s totally fucked-up chainsaw ballet against the setting sun… say what you want, fellas, but when it comes to legendary horror film scenes that involve chainsaws, this is one scene that you definitely wanna see right on top of your list… however, there’s one groovy son-of-a-bitch whom I like even more than good ol’ Leatherface and his name is…
…Ash! Yeah, there you got it! For me, the demon-killing hero of Sam Raimi’s EVIL DEAD trilogy is by far the coolest and most badass cat in chainsaw town! The girls succumb to his charms, the guys admire his guts and every Candarian demon from here to Michigan fears the baneful roar of his chainsaw more than the purifying words of even the most skillful exorcist. So, without a doubt, if there’s one guy who really belongs right on top of this list, it’s our trusty old friend Ashley J. Williams! And, at least in my opinion, one of Ash’s best and most memorable moments is his battle for life and death down in the medival castle’s clammy pit in the trilogy’s big finale, ARMY OF DARKNESS. Man, I really wouldn’t wanna be in the shoes of the gruesome fiends who made the unpleasant acquaintance of Ash’s chainsaw on that particular day. In all honesty, I’ve never seen anyone who looked more groovy when he chopped up lots `n lots of nasty demons with his custom-made chainsaw, and since being groovy is all that counts these days, Ash is my personal #1 chainsaw hero of all freakin’ time! Amen!!
Editorials
Before ‘The Blair Witch Project’, ‘Alien Autopsy’ Showed How Real Found Footage Could Feel
The line separating artist from con man is a lot thinner than you might initially believe. While I think we can all agree that lying for the sake of profit is actively malicious behavior, isn’t it also true that the faux documentary aspect of The Blair Witch Project is half the reason why that film became such a cultural phenomenon? After all, if there’s one thing filmmakers have in common with stage magicians, it’s that misleading and misdirecting audiences is simply part of the job.
That’s why I’ve developed a habit of mostly ignoring the moral quandaries behind many of film and television’s biggest “hoaxes” in favor of appreciating the narrative elements that drive productions like Mermaids: The Body Found and even Animal Planet’s highly underrated The Cannibal in the Jungle. However, if there’s a definitive case of a highly publicized broadcast fooling the world into taking it seriously, it has to be Fox’s infamous 1995 TV special Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction.
It’s been over three decades since that eerie footage first haunted television screens right at the peak of the ’90s ufology craze, and in that time, the video has taken on a life of its own. From countless parodies and references in everything from The X-Files to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater (as well as John Dower’s recently released tell-all documentary The Alien Autopsy Scandal, which I’d highly recommend to genre fans everywhere), there’s no denying the legacy of the Alien Autopsy video. However, I rarely see the tape discussed as what it truly is: a highly convincing found footage film directed by a passionate stage magician and brought to life by masterful practical effects work.
That’s why I’d like to invite readers to join me on a deep dive into one of the most infamous broadcasts of all time in an attempt to reevaluate the footage as a fascinating narrative experience rather than a complete hoax.
The TV Special That Convinced Millions It Was Real
Ray Santilli next to Extraterrestrial replica in ‘The Alien Autopsy Scandal’
For starters, regardless of whether or not you believe that there was in fact an extraterrestrial crash in Roswell during the summer of 1947 and that some form of autopsy was performed on the victims, the producers behind the black & white recordings, Ray Santilli and Gary Shoefield, insist that their video was a “restoration.” Though I’d argue that the proper word is “remake”of genuine footage that was too damaged to air on television. That’s why the duo went on to recruit filmmaker and eccentric magician Spyros Melaris and sculptor/monster designer John Humphreys to bring their version of the autopsy to life and sell it to the highest bidder.
This is where the story of the Alien Autopsy as a narrative experience really begins. Melaris claims that his approach to the faux recording consisted of striving for extreme period accuracy in both shooting equipment and setting while also planting subtle details that would initially seem like mistakes but could later be revealed to actually fit the time period. That being said, the filmmaker was under the impression that the short would be released for free as a PR stunt, with the team later producing and selling an informative documentary chronicling exactly how the footage was faked and commenting on how easy it is to manipulate public perception with a good old-fashioned magic trick.
This obviously isn’t how things went down, and that’s likely the reason why Melaris has since distanced himself from everyone else involved with the project. Yet, no amount of behind-the-scenes drama can undermine the genuine effort that went into making the short as impressive as it is. From the sourcing of real animal organs from a local butcher to make the organic part of the creature more lifelike to the highly detailed sculpt that made use of a hollowed-out underlayer that could be filled with fake blood and assorted viscera, there’s a reason why so many Hollywood specialists are still impressed with the artistry on display here.
Of course, the believability is only half the story, as I think that the best part of the autopsy is how Melaris builds on the existing tension by obscuring certain details and often embracing the chaos of what a real examination of extraterrestrial life could feel like. The camera often goes out of focus at just the right time to make certain effects hit even harder, and we can only speculate as to what the hazmat-suited doctors are gesticulating about during the operation. There’s a real air of mystery to the whole thing that almost makes it feel like a cosmically terrifying, cursed film containing forbidden knowledge that civilians were never meant to see.
So when Fox’s Fact or Fiction brings in the specialists to comment on the film and its otherworldly subject, it’s no surprise that we end up with one of the most memorable mockumentaries of all time – albeit one where the participants are unaware that the footage they’re commenting on is basically a large-scale practical joke. A joke that the network was obviously in on, as many participants claim that the TV special cut out significant portions where guests point out that they believe the footage to be an elaborate hoax.
The Lasting Impact of the Hoax Turned Cultural Event
Regardless, I remember going to bed terrified after watching reruns of the special and thinking about the respected pathologist who claimed that the body was almost certainly inhuman, with even effects maestro Stan Winston commenting on how difficult it would be to recreate some of these visuals through practical puppetry. That’s not even mentioning Jonathan Frakes’ dramatic hyping up of the disturbing imagery as if he was talking about the tape from The Ring, with his spooky demeanor here likely being responsible for his later role as the host of Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction a few years later.
Personally, I’d argue that the Alien Autopsy phenomenon had just as much of an impact on me as a horror fan as The Blair Witch Project, a film that was almost certainly influenced by the success of this immensely popular hoax (to the point where they even produced their own TV special commenting on Heather’s found footage). Even if Fox didn’t intend to produce a narrative feature about the aftermath of the Roswell crash, the end product still holds up remarkably well as a highly entertaining mockumentary exploring the idea that we may not be alone in the universe.
While neither Santilli nor the rest of the production team has ever commented on this, I also think it’s very likely that the idea of a faux Alien Autopsy could have been influenced by Dean Alioto’s The McPherson Tape/UFO Abduction. I’ve already written about how this granddaddy of found footage was co-opted by rogue ufologists who began selling bootlegs of the tape at conventions as if it were real evidence of a close encounter, so it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine that Santilli and company could have heard about this phenomenon and been inspired to come up with their own highly profitable hoax.
At the end of the day, it’s unlikely that the Alien Autopsy film is recreating any real footage from Roswell, but I can still appreciate the short and the accompanying television event as a standalone horror story that still influences the way we see found footage to this very day.
After all, the possibility that something could be real is often much scarier than finding out for sure – and that’s why I think Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction is still worth revisiting three decades down the line.
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