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[BEST & WORST ’13] Lonmonster’s 5 Worst Horror Films of 2013

It’s no secret that there are a lot of bad horror movies, but I prefer not to shit all over beginning filmmakers or those who are still learning the tricks of the trade. So for my “worst” list, I focus on filmmakers who really should know better. These are definitely not the worst horror movies of the year, but they are some of the most disappointing.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Indie) | Evan Dickson (Best) | The Wolfman (Festival Favorites) | Patrick Cooper (Best)
Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Best Posters | Best Performances | Best Trailers

LONMONSTER’S Bottom 5 OF 2013
5. Insidious Chapter 2 (September 13; Blumhouse)

Let me start off by saying I don’t hate Insidious Chapter 2. It’s not a horrible film, and I know many of our readers loved it. The reason it finds itself on my list is because I don’t recall being so disappointed by a film in years. Insidious is one of my favorite horror movies of the past decade, and The Conjuring is number one on “Best of 2013” list. I’m a huge fan of Wan’s work and to sit through the laborious movie that is Insidious 2 was painful for me. I really wanted to like it. I tried, but when you have to convince yourself you are having a good time, that’s never a good sign. I’m hoping when I rewatch this one my opinion will change, but, until then, I remain disappointed.

4. Machete Kills (October 11; Open Road)

Robert Rodriguez is a master of the action genre, but he blew it with Machete Kills. The original film was a blast, packed with awesome cheese and ultraviolent goodness. Unfortunately, Machete Kills falls victim to its own folly. The story is a mess, Machete is the same throughout, and the constant Star Wars references are agonizing. As much as I disliked this one, I’m still curious about Machete Kills in Space.

3. R.I.P.D. (July 19; Universal)

There’s not much to say about this other than it’s a complete travesty. Don’t waste your time on it.

2. Oldboy (November 27; FilmDistrict)

2013 was not a good year for Spike Lee. First came the Kickstarter controversy (which I still cannot believe received funding), then came Oldboy, which flopped harder than Machete Kills. Why remake a film that’s only a decade old and already considered a masterpiece? I haven’t got an answer. Part of me admires Spike Lee’s audacity, another part is regaled by his antics, but mostly, I just wish he would stop being a douche bag.

1. Dracula 3D (October 4; IFC Midnight)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Argento is one of my favorite directors. I consider Suspria and Deep Red masterworks of horror, showing Argento’s panache for creating bizarre, original, and beautiful films. Unfortunately, he’s seen a gross decline. Argento’s adaptation of Dracula is an embarrassment, and one of the worst adaptations of Bram Stoker’s classic ever. I really hope he can recover from this one.



  • Minted Lamb

    I cannot wait to see Dracula 3D, but for all the wrong reasons.

  • Skull-And-Crossbones

    i tried sitting through Dracula 3D twice and i just couldn’t do it. i really hope argento can get back on track with his next movie. i love a lot of his movies and IMO he’s one of the greatest horror directors of all time. he may not have had the commercial success like carpenter or craven but he has made many great horror movies.

  • part6productions

    Insidious 2 is on your worst list, but the evil dead remake is on your best list? Those two, good sir, need to be reversed.

    • joeshmo447

      No he’s pretty spot on …

    • chambertlo

      You are wrong on so many levels, it’s embarrassing.

      • part6productions

        If you’re defending the Evil Dead remake, you are the one who should be embarrassed your liking that piece of crap

  • tbaio

    I can’t disagree enough with Insidious 2 being on this worst of list. However, I can’t agree more with Argento’s Dracula being listed here. So, its all even & good.

    • part6productions

      Agreed, Insidious 2 was great

  • WhereDarknessLurks

    I agree w/ tbaio – I was highly impressed with Insidious Chapter 2! I have to give huge props to any film that can make me, an extremely desensitized horror fan of over 20 years, jump out of my seat no less than 3 times in under a minute! On the other hand, the ridiculous amount of marketing for The Conjuring full of spoiler after spoiler totally ruined the film for me, and I was very let down by it. It was a good film no doubt, but it failed on every level to frighten me like Insidious Chapter 2 did. Hmmm… to each his own, I suppose. 🙂

  • Danz

    I believe horror is a very broad genre with a weak definition, and a lot of films are cause of discussion in the community if they fit the category or not, but sometimes people push and stretch the idea of horror just too damn far, to a point where it stops making sense and pretty much every thriller or dark themed film can be pointed as horror. I really don’t care much about that in a simple discussion, but I really can’t stand that being done in a website devoted to horror, with great influence, such as Bloody Disgusting. I think lists like this one have no credibility simply because they make horror look like anything the writer wanted it to be. R.I.P.D.; Oldboy; Machete Kills; A Field in England; Simon Killer; GRAVITY!?!?!

  • dr.lamb

    Dracula is a worthy, or shall I say unworthy no 1, but also a very easy target….:-)

  • undertaker78

    Now this is a good list for the worst of 2013. Good job.

  • chambertlo

    Spike Lee is another hack director that should just stick to making his racist pieces of shit that only black people can relate to. He fails in every other regard, and I can’t wait until he retires. It will be a happy day in cinema.
    I hope he takes Tyler Perri with him, as well.

  • djblack1313

    i fully expected INSIDIOUS 2 to be horrible. the ads made it seem like it was going to take what i disliked about the first movie (the otherworld or whatever it’s called and it’s silly looking pancake makeup type spirits in said “otherworld”) and multiply that times a million but even though i don’t really like this movie, i was pleasantly surprised the movie didn’t focus too much on what i thought it would have.

    not a great movie but better than i expected.

    Lon, i agree 100% regarding MACHETE KILLS being a complete and utter dud. i’m all for cheesy, campy, “bad” movies (i love movies like BLACK CHRISTMAS, ASSAULT OF THE KILLER BIMBOS, etc) but the only good thing about this movie was Demian Bichir as insane and wildly entertaining Mendez. Gibson was actually ok in this too. he seemed to be having a blast. Michelle Rodriguez (who i love!) was just barely ok.

    and yes, R.I.P.D. was mind-numbingly bad. i didn’t even enjoy it as a fun bad movie.

  • hawkward

    i really loved Insidious 2 and Machete Kills O_o its on my top 10 of this year…(according to me, i’ve found Machete kills better than Machete) And there are way more awful movies than what is on the list, the title should be ”5 worst blockbuster horror films of 2013”

  • Trioxin83

    Your Best/Worst lists are the best ones on BD. Thank you. Keep up the good work!

  • buddhaabdi

    At least a list that is close to what a worst of list should look like.

  • jaxx367

    I was completely disappointed with The Conjuring. It was awful and completely overhyped. It wasn’t terrifying in any way. Full of bad CG and jump scares. It way too long and and quite honestly very boring. I still can’t believe how much people have praised it. Huge let down for me. I would definetly pick Insidious 2 over it. It might not have been so great but there wasn’t so much hype about it. Just because James Wan can tell a good ghost story doesn’t make him a great director. His career is a little overhyped as well. He’s an ok director, at best!!!

  • Evan3

    Rodriguez hasn’t been a master of action films for over a decade. Glad to see you call out Machete 2.

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