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[BEST & WORST ’13] Lonmonster’s 5 Worst Horror Films of 2013

It’s no secret that there are a lot of bad horror movies, but I prefer not to shit all over beginning filmmakers or those who are still learning the tricks of the trade. So for my “worst” list, I focus on filmmakers who really should know better. These are definitely not the worst horror movies of the year, but they are some of the most disappointing.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Indie) | Evan Dickson (Best) | The Wolfman (Festival Favorites) | Patrick Cooper (Best)
Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Best Posters | Best Performances | Best Trailers

LONMONSTER’S Bottom 5 OF 2013
5. Insidious Chapter 2 (September 13; Blumhouse)

Let me start off by saying I don’t hate Insidious Chapter 2. It’s not a horrible film, and I know many of our readers loved it. The reason it finds itself on my list is because I don’t recall being so disappointed by a film in years. Insidious is one of my favorite horror movies of the past decade, and The Conjuring is number one on “Best of 2013” list. I’m a huge fan of Wan’s work and to sit through the laborious movie that is Insidious 2 was painful for me. I really wanted to like it. I tried, but when you have to convince yourself you are having a good time, that’s never a good sign. I’m hoping when I rewatch this one my opinion will change, but, until then, I remain disappointed.

4. Machete Kills (October 11; Open Road)

Robert Rodriguez is a master of the action genre, but he blew it with Machete Kills. The original film was a blast, packed with awesome cheese and ultraviolent goodness. Unfortunately, Machete Kills falls victim to its own folly. The story is a mess, Machete is the same throughout, and the constant Star Wars references are agonizing. As much as I disliked this one, I’m still curious about Machete Kills in Space.

3. R.I.P.D. (July 19; Universal)

There’s not much to say about this other than it’s a complete travesty. Don’t waste your time on it.

2. Oldboy (November 27; FilmDistrict)

2013 was not a good year for Spike Lee. First came the Kickstarter controversy (which I still cannot believe received funding), then came Oldboy, which flopped harder than Machete Kills. Why remake a film that’s only a decade old and already considered a masterpiece? I haven’t got an answer. Part of me admires Spike Lee’s audacity, another part is regaled by his antics, but mostly, I just wish he would stop being a douche bag.

1. Dracula 3D (October 4; IFC Midnight)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Argento is one of my favorite directors. I consider Suspria and Deep Red masterworks of horror, showing Argento’s panache for creating bizarre, original, and beautiful films. Unfortunately, he’s seen a gross decline. Argento’s adaptation of Dracula is an embarrassment, and one of the worst adaptations of Bram Stoker’s classic ever. I really hope he can recover from this one.




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