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[BEST & WORST ’11] Micah’s List of the Worst Horror Films of 2011!

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Bloody Disgusting 2011 Best and Worst Horror Movies

Horror movies can be outstanding in the right hands (Kubrick, Scott, Polanski). And can also be a lot of fun if done right (Raimi, Jackson). These picks have none of those qualities.

Instead, the flicks I’ve chosen are a wasteland of disappointment and opportunity lost. It goes to show that there are a lot of ways to screw up a film and that there are always individuals / studios out there willing to do just that. The films range from a cringe-inducing horror comedy based on a solidly hilarious comic, an angst-ridden bastardization of a famous fairy tale, to a mind-boggling suckfest that might be the worst film of the decade so far. These five films should exercise the right to remain silent (and unseen)…forever.

Worst Horror of 2011: Micah

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
Micah (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst) | Performances (Best)

5. The Human Centipede Part 2 (10/17/11; IFC Midnight)


It’s okay to not like stuff that sucks. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like others out there must not buy into this film and it’s purposefully over-the-top shock jock propaganda. And I’m not some middle America housewife who spends her free time picketing against Marilyn Manson. I love gore, blood, evil doctors, and butt-sewing as much as the next guy, but I found nothing in this film worthwhile. A stylistic turd is still a turd and controversy for controversy sake is obnoxious.

4. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (4/29/11; Freestyle Releasing)


The least funny horror comedy of the year. I remember thinking to myself wile watching, “This movie would be better with Paris Hilton in it” and at around the hour mark, “I wonder what’s on reality TV tonight?”

3. Red Riding Hood (3/11/11; Warner Bros. Pictures)


I attempted, in good faith, to watch this movie again after I fell asleep during the first viewing, because of what I assume was my body shutting itself down due to excessive teen angst. Moral of that story is this movie was even worse the second time around. I have the feeling that I probably should have watched a trailer or listened to everyone EVER that this movie was garbage.

2. The Roommate (2/4/11; Sony Screen Gems)


It’s the movie that bravely supports kitten abuse. Hilarious stuff. It’s of importance to note that the target audience for this movie is teenage girls who judge each other by what “hot guy team” they drool over. It’s not meant to be taken seriously by adults with brains. Minka Kelly and Cam Gigandet (30ish playing an underclassmen) should be taken behind a woodshed and flogged for their performances. The flogging should be televised and free sandwiches should be handed out for those who attend in person.

1. Creature (9/9/11; Bubble Factory)


To call Creature bad would not be accurate. It’s stupendously, stunningly, staggeringly bad. B.A.D. If you like horror films with pesky things like coherent plots, remotely believable characters, on screen kills or even the smallest nugget of a redeeming quality you need to look elsewhere. Creature is the Ed Hardy of horror films. I don’t know; maybe if you drink a bunch of Jaeger bombs while tanning with your Brosephs this fun tunnel of a movie would totally crush. The cast is the most unlikeable bunch of asshats this side of Altitude, who inexplicably are ALL still alive an hour plus into the movie. A remarkably moronic ending finally puts this movie down for the count. But hey, at least no one fell for this nonsense. Creature has the dubious honor of the worst EVER opening for a wide release – with less than six people attending each showing the first weekend. While audiences weren’t fooled, this movie is an embarrassment to the genre and horror fans alike. Blerg. The only question is: Is it bad enough to be become successful midnight movie?

2011 Honorees and Accolades:

Movie So Bad I Forgot About It Until After This Article Was Already Submitted: Hellraiser: Revelations. Words like terribad were invented for films like this one. Then again, should we have expected more from a movie that was made, in two weeks, solely to save the rights to the franchise by the studio? Clive Barker said it best when he declared that this movie was nor from his mind or his a**hole. Ouch.

Not Quite Top 10: Monsters, Undocumented, The Yellow Sea, Seconds Apart and Snowtown.

TV That Sucked, Then Became Awesome: American Horror Story. The first few episodes felt like corporal punishment, but then, like a Phoenix rising out the ashes, sh*t got real…good. The same can be said of True Blood’s finale episode, which nearly redeemed an entire season of suck in one fell swoop.

Biggest Flop of the Year: Remakes, Prequels and Remakequels. None of the many big-budget studio cash grabs did anything for me. Most just made me want to perform a memory lobotomy that would allow me to forget I wasted my time and money. Case in point, I’ve had Arby’s meals that were more memorable than Fright Night 3D or The Thing.

Biggest Disappointment: Piranha 3DD. Since the moment the credits rolled on Piranha 3D I’ve been excited to get back to the fishy action. C’mon, Ving Rhames asks someone to “bring me my legs” in the hilarious trailer for the sequel. That’s tough to beat. All I wanted for this holiday season was for someone to bring me a sequel to my favorite cheese ball horror flick of 2010. Studio. Release. Fail. P.S. Shark Night 3D only made my longing for 3D piranhas attacking big boobed bloody bimbos worse.

Best Disc Release:Island of the Lost Souls from The Criterion Collection. Beautiful in every possible way.

Best Use of Breaking the 4th Wall: Rubber. The movie itself was a little too discombobulated to check in as one of my faves of the year, but it was certainly one of the most inventive. Plus, who doesn’t like telekinetic head explosions?

Best Gimmick: Oscillating Camera in Paranormal Activity 3. Nothing else came close to causing as many white-knuckling, heart-stopping moments. You could literally feel the tension grow with each mechanical swoop the damn thing made.

Editorials

Six Post-Apocalyptic Thrillers to Watch While You Wait for “Fallout” Season 2

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Despite ancient humans having already overcome several potential doomsday scenarios in real life, post-apocalyptic fiction used to be relatively rare until the invention of the atomic bomb convinced us that the end of the world could be just around the proverbial corner.

Since then, we’ve seen many different stories about the collapse of civilization and the strange societies that might emerge from the rubble, but I’d argue that one of the most interesting of these apocalyptic visions is the post-nuclear America of the iconic Fallout games. A witty satire of American jingoism and cold war shenanigans, it’s honestly baffling that it so long for us to finally see a live-action adaptation of this memorable setting.

Thankfully, Graham Wagner and Geneva Robertson-Dworet’s Fallout TV show isn’t just a great adaptation – it’s also an incredibly fun standalone story that makes the most of its post-apocalyptic worldbuilding. And since fans are going to have to wait a while to see the much-anticipated second season, we’ve decided to come up with a list highlighting six post-apocalyptic thrillers to watch if you’re still craving more Fallout!

As usual, don’t forget to comment below with your own apocalyptic favorites if you think we missed a particularly fun one. And while it’s not on the list, I’d also like to give a shout-out to The Hughes Brothers’ underrated post-apocalyptic action flick The Book of Eli – which I recently covered in its own article.

With that out of the way, onto the list…


6. The Divide (2011)

Xavier Gens may be best known for his memorable contribution to the New French Extremity movement – with the eerily prescient Frontière(s) – but the filmmaker is also responsible for a handful of underrated thrillers that flew under the radar despite being legitimately solid films. One of the most interesting of these flicks is 2011’s The Divide, a single-location exercise in claustrophobic tension.

Telling the story of a group of New Yorkers who find themselves trapped in a bomb shelter after a surprise nuclear attack, this dark thriller is more interested in the ensuing social chaos than effects-heavy physical destruction. And while critics at the time were horrified by the bleak story and cynical characters, I think this mean streak is precisely what makes The Divide worth watching.


5. The Day After (1983)

One of the highest-rated TV films of all time, ABC’s The Day After is one of the scariest movies ever made despite being more of a speculative docu-drama than an actual genre flick. Following an ensemble of families, doctors and scientists as they deal with the horrific aftermath of all-out nuclear war, this radioactive cautionary tale was vital in convincing real-world politicians to review their policies about nuclear deterrence.

In fact, the film is even credited with scaring President Ronald Reagan into changing his mind about expanding the United States’ nuclear arsenal, with this new stance eventually leading to a treaty with the Soviet Union. With a story this powerful, I think it’s safe to say that The Day After is a must watch for Fallout fans interested in the more down-to-earth elements of the apocalypse.


4. The Postman (1997)

If I had a nickel for each unfairly maligned post-apocalyptic epic starring Kevin Costner that was released in the 90s, I’d have two nickels – which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. And while Waterworld has since seen a resurgence in popularity with fans defending it as a bizarrely expensive B-movie, I haven’t seen a lot of discussion surrounding 1997’s more serious vision of a fallen America, The Postman.

Following Costner (who also directed the flick) as a post-apocalyptic nomad who begins to rebuild America by pretending to be a member of the newly reformed postal service, this David Brin adaptation is consistently fascinating – especially if you view the story as a cynical fairy-tale, which was Costner’s original intention.

And while the flick suffers from some goofy dialogue and a bloated runtime, it makes up for this by having directly inspired Hideo Kojima’s Death Stranding.


3. Turbo Kid (2015)

TURBO KID | via Epic Pictures

Turbo Kid may have been billed as an indie Mad Max with bicycles instead of cars, but François Simard, Anouk Whissell and Yoann-Karl Whissell’s comedic throwback to the post-apocalyptic future of 1997 is much more than meets the eye. From quirky characters to madly creative designs, the flick rises above nostalgia bait by being a legitimately fun time even if you don’t get the copious amounts of ’80s and ’90s references.

And despite the horror-inspired ultraviolence that colors the frequent action scenes as we follow a young comic-book fan deluding himself into thinking that he’s a superhero, it’s the childlike sense of wonder that really makes this a treat for cinephiles. It’s just a shame that we’re still waiting on the sequel that was announced back in 2016…


2. Six-String Samurai (1998)

A lo-fi homage to spaghetti westerns and classic samurai films – not to mention the golden age of rock ‘n roll – Six-String Samurai is a must-watch for those who appreciate weird cinema. While I’ve already written about the madly creative vibes that make this such an entertaining flick, I think it’s worth repeating just in case some of you have yet to give this musical fever dream a try.

And appropriately enough for this list, the film was also a source of inspiration for the 3D Fallout games – especially Obsidian’s fan favorite New Vegas. The game even includes a New Vegas Samurai achievement (unlocked by killing enemies with a katana) with a vault-boy illustration modeled after the film’s rendition of Buddy Holly.


1. A Boy and His Dog (1975)

The grisly post-apocalyptic comedy that inspired the original Fallout games, L.Q. Jones’ adaptation of Harlan Ellison’s novella is just as shocking today as it was back in ’75. Telling the story of a teenage scavenger who travels the wastelands of 2024 America alongside his telepathic canine companion, A Boy and His Dog feels like a Heavy Metal comic brought to life.

While the film’s rampant misogyny and brutal violence make it tough to revisit under modern sensibilities, it’s still a landmark in post-apocalyptic cinema and one hell of a memorable ride. Not only that, but the flick also inspired the creation of Fallout’s most beloved NPC, the ever-loyal Dogmeat.

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